ZiggyZoo Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Well, at least you won't make the same mistakes twice...I did a lot of the same sort of thing when my ex-husband left me, and learned the same lessons you did. And it has helped enormously with the break-up that brought me here. I knew at least to maintain my dignity and go NC right away, so at least I wouldn't have to look back and cringe at my actions. Oh, it still hurts, but the recovery time has been much quicker. 1
Author SethDamien Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 Yeah, i cant believe i blew it. All the while i was thinking no good will come if i kept begging for her, still, i did. I was ugly and unattractive. I didnt know whats came over me. My struggle now is keeping strict NC. WITHOUT hoping to win her back. Sadly, that was the only motive for my NC before. I used NC so that she'll miss me and come crawling back. I realized i doesnt work that way if i was the first to initiate. The key word here is HOPE, which is really hard to let go. To be honest, im still banking NC as a way for her to miss me... how do i let go of these associations?? I know expectations/hoping will only lead to disappointment. But i know well that IGNORING never fails.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Stupid hope. I struggle with it too, even though I know better. I used the memory my own embarrassing behavior to maintain NC with my ex-husband. And a little bit of "oh, maybe this will bring him back" thrown in. It wasn't the healthiest thing, but I got to the glorious point where I was over him eventually so it all worked out. And with this break-up, I used the idea that I don't want to be a "crazy ex" to help. Yeah, its supposed to be about ME, not HIM, but it worked in the beginning just fine. Hell if I'm giving that asswipe any reason to justify his bad behavior at all. And I'm in a good place acceptance-wise with that one too. It sucks though, hope will creep in and mess up your whole day...
NC-Thomas Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) The reason why we hope is because we have put a big piece of ourself and your happiness in life in our partner. You give a piece of your heart to her. In the future I want to be less dependent on woman for my inner happiness, in order to achieve this I want to be learn to be happy on my own. I want my next partner to "add" to my life, not "distract" to my life when she leaves. I think missing her is natural, I think hoping is less natural. Because I think we you are self-sufficient, have self-respect, love and esteem you don't need somebody else. Having intimate relationships in your life is added value, once you depend too much on that value, you become dependent and when she leaves, a gap is left. Hope wants that gap to return to normal. Well she took it, and it's not coming back. I really think this has to do with hope. Because if you value yourself in a good way and depend on YOU for inner happiness, you actually don't need anybody else to give you that. You already have it. Hope is also caused by the fact that we value someone so much, we put them on a pedestal. They are like oxygen to us. And we feel like we would drown without them. As soon as you break-up you need to realize that oxygen is infact in abundance, just like woman. Once you see clear, hope will disappear. Also we as humans value everything want as higher than what we already have. It's like a psychological process, it's a truly basic instinct to go for what we want in life. Now when lose a partner, something very important in our past and current life, we go to extreme ways to get it, often losing our dignity. We are not so different from animals when it comes to this. Because having a partner is an essential part of a solid survival strategy. Especially for men, we are wired to keep that woman with us! When we cease to copulate with women, we lose value for our own existence. Maybe this will seem to bull**** to some, but I think hope is based of a combination of the above mentioned subjects I read in some books a while ago. When I understand the LOGIC of hope, I can accept it and learn to deal with it in a logic way, not guided by emotions. Edited March 4, 2015 by NC-Thomas
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