Ex keeps contacting me

[SethDamien]

GF for 3 years, she dumped me a year ago but offered to be friends--so i agreed. We worked in the same office and live next door so we maintained close friendship (without intimacy) for 10 months.

 

3 months ago, she started dating our officemate. I guess i should have seen it coming. Throughout December and the better part of January, it was all arguing, fighting, screaming at each other, then finally, the jealousy, begging and the neediness (from me).

 

Since then, the friendship has been on and off. I finally gave in and decided to go NC. Its been a week and im doing better so far. Still, she would occasionally call me and ask how im doing.

 

I still don't know how to make of this. It might be possible she only sees me as a friend but i highly doubt it because of our intimate past. If she did see me as a friend, would she have easily dismissed how hurt i was when i knew she was dating our office mate?

 

Since i started NC this week, she was always the first to contact me and i keep on answering. Is NC an excuse to be cold and rude? or should i keep talking to her? To be honest, im still hoping i could win her back. But every time i bring up the idea of us getting back together, she would get defensive and we'd fight again.

 

Any ideas from you guys would help.

[flowergirl1980]

For me when I decided to go no contact instead of excepting the friendship my ex was trying to have with me I let him know. Because I don't have the heart to ignore him and I wanted him to know where I was coming from. The next time she contacts you, you can just tell her it's too hard for you right now to be her friend that you need time to heal and get over everything and in order to do that you don't think it's a good idea to stay in touch or see each other anymore and ask her to respect that. that was after that if she contacts you, you don't have to feel bad ignoring her. It gives you no more excuses to respond because you told her upfront that you can't stay in touch.

[Toodaloo]

No contact means you do not talk to her... Use the block facility on your phone, remove from facebook and all other social media etc.

 

Just cut the cord and go it alone. You will get over her faster, feel better and after a while you will feel much better.

 

She doesn't need a reason or an excuse. Just block and get on with life.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you need to go NC. It's bad enough that you work at the same company and she's your neighbor. And it's really bad that she's dating a co-worker. It's obvious that she doesn't want to come back into a relationship with you. Therefore, you need to do NC so you can heal from this and move on.

 

 

So, why is she contacting you and always asking if you're alright? Because she knows if the roles were reversed and you were dating someone else in the office, that would frickin hurt. So, she wants to know where your head is at, to see if you hate her.

 

 

Here it is at the bare bones. She broke up with you. She pretty much told you that she wants you out of her life. She doesn't get to dictate what kind of relationship you have after that. You need to go NC to heal from this. So, you need to stop responding when she contacts you. She doesn't want you back, but she does want you to ease her guilt. She does want you to boost her ego.

 

 

Now if you feel like you're being a jerk if you don't respond to her, then you need to tell her, "Look, you don't want me anymore and as much as I didn't want that, I have to respect your wishes. But, I can't keep in contact with you anymore while I still have these romantic feelings for you. That's not fair to me or you. So, I need to bow out and heal from this." Then you go dark on her. If she contacts you and you don't respond, she knows EXACTLY why. But, you need to be steadfast and NOT RESPOND! Because, she's going to test your resolve and see if you truly meant what you said. So, don't respond to anything. Block her on social media and BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!

 

 

Time to move on dude. Time to heal.

[SethDamien]

She finally moved to a new house two weeks ago, and i have to say it was a relief. Seeing her only at the office lessened the pain. She did leave her pet dog at my place though.

 

Last week i told her through text:

 

"I don't want to be friends with you anymore, not yet. I still have feelings for you and watching you fall for somebody else will really hurt me. And I also don't want to be the one to interrupt your budding relationship with him."

 

:No reply:

 

Me: "You know i love you and would do anything if it means your happiness, but i have to do this, i'm just missing someone--a lot"

 

she replies: "yeah, i understand you. I'm sorry" (she rarely says sorry during our relationship, so this reply kinda surprised me)

 

I stopped there.

 

But a week later, she'd call me and ask me petty things like "how's my puppy? are you feeding her?" "how's work? i wasn't able to come in today because its my nephew's first birthday. I hope you're managing well in doing my work ha-ha" "did you see my nephew? i uploaded the pictures online, isn't she just adorable?" etc... just very casual conversations.

 

But i have to agree, NC really felt i had power. One time she called me and i didn't answer, i felt i was on top. but foolish me, an hour later, i texted her why she rang me up, no reply.

 

Since i decided not to text/call her anymore, she would always be the first to initiate contact. So i guess feeling some dominance helps, just as long as i don't contact her first.

[Light Breeze]

But i have to agree, NC really felt i had power. One time she called me and i didn't answer, i felt i was on top. but foolish me, an hour later, i texted her why she rang me up, no reply.

 

Since i decided not to text/call her anymore, she would always be the first to initiate contact. So i guess feeling some dominance helps, just as long as i don't contact her first.

 

Dude, you don't do NC to have power/dominance over her, you do NC to have power over yourself and your unruly emotions. It seems like you see this as a power game of "who contacts who first". It doesn't work like that, NC's rationale is removing all reminders of your pain so you can heal.

 

If you're gonna get worked out like that for every text she sends you then it's probably best to block her in EVERYTHING.

 

P.S. Those texts to you are breadcrumbs, she's yanking the chain to see if the loyal one is still waiting for her.

[Chi townD]

If she calls let it go to voicemail. If she texts, ignore it. If she emails, delete it.

 

 

Dude, she's pulling on the leash to see if the dog is still there. And the first time she notices the dog is off the leash, she goes looking for the dog!

[quattrob]

TC, I think it was good that you let her know you cant be friends with her and that you are going into NC. But your second text to her after she didnt reply to your first message was a bad move. Its so obvious to her now that you'll take her back if she ever asked and that you longed for it.

 

She has the power and "dominance" because you confessed your love to her in your second text. I know why you did it, it was your one last plead to get her back. That was a very bad move.

 

This is why she sent you those random questions, she knows you are weak and she'll keep doing that until you can prove otherwise. Smarten up TC you dont have the power and control you thought you did.

[Satu]

No contact also means no replies and no responses.

 

Do not communicate with her at all, for any reason.

 

Delete, block, ignore.

 

If she wants the dog she'll come and get it.

 

If she doesn't the dog won't care.

[SethDamien]

Yeah, i read the NC gude. TBH, i was really banking on NC to get my ex to like me again, but at the back of my head i know its not how it should be done.

 

Its really hard doing NC. its been 3 days since our last conversation. I hope i can finally keep this up without thinking about getting her back.

 

Yesterday was a big tease for me.. i attended my cousin's wedding and all i could think about was planning my wedding day w/ my ex.

 

My ex was just perfect, and where i live, the dating pool was almost exclusively just her. She wasnt mainstream (not a hipster too), she was caring, thoughtful, never cared about her looks, is nerdy. She wears glasses, sweaters and jogging pants at home, but extremely hot underneath

etc. etc. Every other guy who ever knew her was into her and i felt like the luckiest guy on the planet when we were together (i was her first)

 

What surprised me is she's falling for an immature, thoughtless, and high tempered guy. Sometimes i keep praying this will backfire on both of them. and when that time comes, i pray i have the strength to turn away from her, that she'll see im no longer her pet on a leash.

 

I really do want to erase my feelings for her. I want to move on, but when i try to look at other girls, the first instinct i have was to compare them with my ex. In this day and age, its really hard to look for ones available whose smarter and prettier than her (especially where i live). Ive grown really choosy! but if i expect the perfect woman, i know i'll be forever alone.

 

Just Venting it out... 3 days NC, Can seth keep this up? stay tuned...

[Elle1975]

You probably can't keep it up, since you allow her to contact you.

 

Why do you have her dog? Is this your dog now?

[SethDamien]

You probably can't keep it up, since you allow her to contact you.

 

Why do you have her dog? Is this your dog now?

 

I'll force myself. Its easier said than done, or maybe i just dont have enough conviction...

 

technically, the dog is ours, but we decided i'll take 'custody'. She and her sister moved in to a smaller place and afraid the dog wont get as much freedom there as staying in my house.

Edited February 22, 2015 by SethDamien

[BC1980]

This entire situation is why you don't maintain contact with an ex under the guise of a supposed friendship. You are not serious about NC and are imagining your wedding to her. You are still in the mode of trying to win her back, so you are keeping the door open.

[Light Breeze]

I'll force myself. Its easier said than done, or maybe i just dont have enough conviction...

 

technically, the dog is ours, but we decided i'll take 'custody'. She and her sister moved in to a smaller place and afraid the dog wont get as much freedom there as staying in my house.

 

You can't force yourself to keep it up when you're receiving a constant barrage of messages. Yes, I remember your other threads and I'm sorry to tell you, I don't see you withstanding her calls or messages without breaking NC

 

Tell her you'll either keep the dog or she does. C'mon dude, set up your boundaries now! It's time to let this go.

[Toodaloo]

Time for some blunt truth...

 

She ditched you, she was callous enough to ditch a dog.

 

As a pet owner I can tell you now. NOTHING would make me ditch my pets.

 

That means she treats people and other living creatures as disposable.

 

Really not nice.

 

The dog is yours now. Look after it and it will love you. Dogs also make great conversational starters. Just don't mention that you got it with your ex when a woman talks to you.

 

Cut this rubbish and sulky woe is me behaviour. The longer you wallow in self pity the longer it will last.

 

Cut this "oh she is so perfect and wonderful" behavior. She isn't and her sh** does not smell of roses. She is a manipulative woman who is attention seeking. Not nice and not perfect nor wonderful behavior. Oh and she is rubbing your nose in it... sounds lovely to me. Note that last bit was sarcasm.

 

Cut the wimpy I love you your wonderful messages. You do know every time you send one she thinks less and less of you. Pretty soon she will be telling her friends that you are a stalker and saying stuff behind your back. She is a drama queen.

 

Take your dog out for walks, concentrate on getting yourself together. Stop feeding the melodrama and get a grip. I know it hurts. We all know it hurts. But carrying on like that is just prolonging it. Stop picking at the scab and let it heal.

[Elle1975]

I'll force myself. Its easier said than done, or maybe i just dont have enough conviction...

 

technically, the dog is ours, but we decided i'll take 'custody'. She and her sister moved in to a smaller place and afraid the dog wont get as much freedom there as staying in my house.

 

So it's your dog. There is no point in keeping in contact with her.

[Satu]

When done 100%, NC really helps, but NC can only be 100%. Anything less than 100% isn't NC.

 

This is your chance to make a change to really taking care of yourself.

 

Take responsibility for yourself and do NC properly.

 

You can do it.

[SethDamien]

so this is how my day went.

 

Today was my day-off and i treated myself to a movie--and in the middle of it, my ex called.

 

Apparently, she wanted to talk about her day at the office, but i told her i couldn't talk as i was in the middle of the movie. I didn't tell her to call me later. i just said "I cant talk"

 

minutes after the movie, she called me again, and in the first four calls i didn't answer, on the fifth one, i did...

 

Before she could say any more, she asked a question first:

 

ex: "sooo, who was with you?"

 

of course, i was alone, but i didnt want her to know so i diverted the question: "you were saying something about work?"

 

ex: "Seriously, who was with you?"

 

me: "why should i tell YOU? -- just forget about it ok?, you wanted to say something about work?"

 

ex: "never mind, bye."

 

me acting aloof: "ok, bye" click....

 

I know it wasn't 100% NC, but i hope this will be the last. Surprisingly though, its been weeks i haven't felt any tightness in my chest, nor have i cried for her. For the first time, i feel i could finally be happy on my own. I lost the neediness and never had the urge to contact her those desperate needy messages (or any kind of messages for that matter).

[Chi townD]

Of course you feel good and strong at the moment. You got your Ex fix just like any drug addict getting their drug fix. Give it a few days and you may start feeling like crap again.

 

 

You'll know what I'm talking about.

[Toodaloo]

so this is how my day went.

 

Today was my day-off and i treated myself to a movie--and in the middle of it, my ex called.

 

Apparently, she wanted to talk about her day at the office, but i told her i couldn't talk as i was in the middle of the movie. I didn't tell her to call me later. i just said "I cant talk"

 

minutes after the movie, she called me again, and in the first four calls i didn't answer, on the fifth one, i did...

 

Before she could say any more, she asked a question first:

 

ex: "sooo, who was with you?"

 

of course, i was alone, but i didnt want her to know so i diverted the question: "you were saying something about work?"

 

ex: "Seriously, who was with you?"

 

me: "why should i tell YOU? -- just forget about it ok?, you wanted to say something about work?"

 

ex: "never mind, bye."

 

me acting aloof: "ok, bye" click....

 

I know it wasn't 100% NC, but i hope this will be the last. Surprisingly though, its been weeks i haven't felt any tightness in my chest, nor have i cried for her. For the first time, i feel i could finally be happy on my own. I lost the neediness and never had the urge to contact her those desperate needy messages (or any kind of messages for that matter).

 

Don't pick up any more calls from her. Her calls are balls and just an act to keep you from moving on.

 

Not only has that conversation done nothing for you its also piddled off the other people in the cinema. Turn your phone off.

[SethDamien]

This entire situation is why you don't maintain contact with an ex under the guise of a supposed friendship. You are not serious about NC and are imagining your wedding to her. You are still in the mode of trying to win her back, so you are keeping the door open.

 

Is this just a phase? will a time come when i'll be repulsed at the idea of getting her back?

 

I get it, she doesn't love me anymore so there's nothing to hold on to. Hoping is just a waste of time. She even told me that herself. She treated me like garbage and now, is treating me like a doormat.

 

I really do admit I'm still hoping (not as much as before). But I'm learning to be happy on my own doing the steps to let her go and move on.

 

But every time I look at the prospect of dating another girl, my ex always pops up, its something i cant erase. things like "oh she still looks better" "she's still the smarter one" "that's something (ex's name) would never do" etc... I admit I've become a judgmental jerk. i know years have brainwashed me to thinking she was the only girl for me so she became the benchmark.

 

I know you guys suggest an all out resistance and baby steps wont cut it--but its all i could do. BTW, i blocked her on social media (never stalked her profile EVER), gained the strength to never contact her FIRST.

 

I definitely understand that a lot of you faced harder breakups with people you loved more for plenty of years and know total separation is the fastest way to heal.

[FancyFace]

Dude, seriously, stop! Stop answering her calls, block her, change your number. This isnt NC by any means where you keep taking her calls, playing highschool games trying to make each other jealous or communicate with each other in covert and not so covert ways.

 

Have you really read through this forum? There are people who, something like 3 years after the fact (the fact being a breakup), are still in excruciating pain, all because they kept in communication with thier ex, kept tabs on them etc. It's like you keep letting in a known thief through your front door and then screaming bloody murder when your possessions eventually go missing. Stop the madness.

 

If you wanna heal, block, delete and ignore, otherwise enjoy the lingering pain of heartbreak for a long, and I do mean long, azz time to come.

[Toodaloo]

Is this just a phase? will a time come when i'll be repulsed at the idea of getting her back?

 

She treated me like garbage and now, is treating me like a doormat.

 

 

Yes there will come a time and its getting closer because you can admit she is not all that great.

 

Stop taking her calls, use the block facility on your phone.

 

No emails, no facebook, block, delete and unfriend...

[SethDamien]

So here's been my past 4 months so far

 

Found out my ex started seeing someone else, as much as i didnt want to give a flying f**K, i did.

 

I contacted the guy, told him my ex girlfriend was a hottie, smart, etc.. and that he would be a fool not to go after her. I basically told him my ex shat rainbows and sparkle dust. (joking aside, it was a sincere attempt to get them closer because i thought i could move on faster if my ex had a new boyfriend)

 

apparently, my ex didn't like me talking to him. So i heard her say every textbook dumpee's vocabulary "I never want to see your face ever" "you're a moron, idiot" "you'll be miserable your whole life"

 

Being the two faced jerk that i am, told her every textbook ex wants to hear. "give me a chance" "i'll change" "i still love you" "cant live without you" blah blah...

 

She shut me off, so i went to LS hoping to find advice on my situation.

 

Great girls and guys helped me out, took the time to nail it in my head that ITS OVER, GET OVER IT, GET YOURSELF OUT OF SIGHT.

 

Assuming i had a unique situation, and that my 3-year relationship was "special" and "beautiful" i thought i was beyond NC so i ignored their advice and stuck with my own. I definitely knew she would come back to me if only she saw how great a FRIEND i was. So i was excelling at being friendzoned so i could win her back......?

 

when i realized she really just saw me as a friend, i was certain that begging and acting needy again would work.

 

When it didnt work out, i thought i could get to her if i reminded her of all the good times we had. geee, I wonder why it still didnt work??

 

So i finally did NC. the first attempt lasted 4 days before i acted all needy again.

 

The second lasted 1 week before i broke down and went to her house bringing cake and flowers on valentines day

 

The third one lasted 2 weeks after which i texted her 20+ messages saying how much i lover her, and how better i was than that fool she was dating.

 

on a serious note:

I hate how i gave up a big chunk of my life for her. Now that im alone, she took most of it with her leaving me with nothing. Now i've learned to not give 100% to someone entirely. Come on guys, leave some for yourselves. I wish i could have said this to myself earlier. Now that its done, im just picking the pieces up and started rebuilding, i dont know how many cycles of NC i have to take, but im doing a little bit better each time. I hope this one lasts.

 

I just want to thank LS for everything, other threads inspired me alot. I may sound bitter, now, but im feeling a bit empowered. Im slowly detaching myself from my ex. I reached my threshold. Ive gone from "i need you" to "I dont need you"

 

Its difficult to maintain NC, doubly so, when your ex and the guy she's dating are both working with you at the same office.

[quattrob]

First thing first, there are a lot of posters and thread starters here that only post here knowing the fact that they are going to do something that isn't good for them, they only post here to listen to the people that only agree to what they want to do.

 

 

Reading what you did was indeed sad. Those things that you did were never the right way to win her back, instead it did the opposite, it drove her away and you hurt yourself even more.

 

 

You have a long way to heal and you need to get yourself out of the hole as hard as it maybe. Start treating yourself with dignity. No one finds begging and looking weak attractive. Start NC now, don't make excuses, just do it.