Eevee Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Hi guys, I think this is in the right place! I want to know what people think about hand-holding. Personally I don't have a problem with it HOWEVER recently I've come face to face with a hand-holding dilemma. Basically my boyfriend is VERY touchy-feely and loves holding my hand when we're out and about. The problem is he tends to grip my hand really tightly to the point that 1) It's actually uncomfortable and 2) I can't just let go of his hand casually to say, pick something up off a shelf it actually becomes a big deal to let go. I've told him this but I don't think he really realises he's gripping so tightly. It's beginning to get really annoying, especially because he likes to hold my hand everywhere in the street, in the cinema, inside the supermarket! Since telling him outright didn't seem to work I decided to attempt changing things up by linking his arm (my preferred method of public contact) but he just shook it off and tried to grab my hand! Any thoughts/suggestions?
Toodaloo Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Just ask him to hold lighter as its uncomfortable for him to hold on so tightly... Tell him again and again until it sinks in. show him how you want you hand held and tell him its a "turn on" when he holds it lightly...
rocketman122 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I see two problems. 1- hes holding too much 2- hes beeing rougher than u are accustomed to Regarding 1 that may be a problem. I also dated a very hot blonde chic who i dumped because she didnt like holding hands. No hand holding meqns not a touchy feely warm person to me. That person is out. U need to find a happy median. No holding is out. Too much is too much. sounds like ur bf might have insecurities or possible control issues 2- my ex wife used to hold my hand way too soft and wouldnt even close her hand. It felt like i was hand shaking her hand all the time. Like i was in a business meeting. I trained her and she got in line real quick. Again, u need to find a balance with him. I had too soft u too hard. But no hand holding? HELL NO!
Author Eevee Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 sounds like ur bf might have insecurities or possible control issues I've had this thought myself - he constantly wants to hold my hand to the extent that if we're out having dinner with friends I'll feel his hand suddenly take hold of mine under the table mid-way through drinks! I'm all for hand-holding in general so the middle ground is definitely an option I'm going to have to work on!
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 That's really weird he's holding your hand so tightly you can't easily pull it away. I don't actually buy that he 'doesn't realise' he's holding so hard, it takes effort to hold someone like that and his hand would start to go numb after a while too! What's he like in the rest of the relationship? I get the impression he knows you don't really wanna hold his hand so he's making sure he does it as hard as possible to control you... am I way out?
stillafool Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I don't see the problem here. Just ask him to loosen up his hand every time he holds yours. Keep telling him he's holding your hand too tight. He'll get the message or tell him you don't like to hold hands.
Author Eevee Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 That's really weird he's holding your hand so tightly you can't easily pull it away. I don't actually buy that he 'doesn't realise' he's holding so hard, it takes effort to hold someone like that and his hand would start to go numb after a while too! What's he like in the rest of the relationship? I get the impression he knows you don't really wanna hold his hand so he's making sure he does it as hard as possible to control you... am I way out? The rest of the relationship is...okay. It's been better I'll admit but I don't really think it's related to this. I think one of the problems is that I am a very independent person (quite happy with my own company etc) whereas he seems to be less so. He'll text me every night without fail just to ask me what I did with my day without offering any insight as to how his day was or any interesting news. The tight grip has gotten so bad that I've even tried wearing gloves on days that probably don't merit glove wearing but he still seems to get me locked into his iron grip!
PegNosePete Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 This seems pretty simple to me. Just tell him, let go of my hand you're hurting me. If he doesn't then tell him a bit louder so that nearby people can hear. If he still doesn't then call the police. Repeat this until he gets the message that gripping you so tight is unacceptable. 2
stillafool Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 The tight grip has gotten so bad that I've even tried wearing gloves on days that probably don't merit glove wearing but he still seems to get me locked into his iron grip! Why do you allow this? If he is hurting your hand tell him and if he doesn't want to loosen his grip tell him you don't want to hold hands. Don't just accept what he is doing.
katiegrl Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Of good lord...in the supermarket? How does that work? I mean, you're pushing the grocery cart, taking items off the shelves....how is holding your hand even possible? I'm sorry...that's just too much...and rather obnoxious IMO. Same with grabbing my hand under the table while dining with friends at a restaurant. Sounds like some sort of "territorial" thing...as in by holding your hand ad nauseum he's "marking his territory" so everyone (other men) will know you're "taken.' I am all for affection and being touch feely... but come on there is a time and a place! Walks on the beach...a stroll in the park after dinner...things like that....of course my boyfriend and I hold hands. But out doing chores, or having dinner with friends? No that's too much it's obnoxious and would totally turn me off! Check your respective love languages. His may be "touch" while yours may be something else. Mine is "quality time" and so is my boyfriend's .... so it works out great!
katiegrl Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 The rest of the relationship is...okay. It's been better I'll admit but I don't really think it's related to this. I think one of the problems is that I am a very independent person (quite happy with my own company etc) whereas he seems to be less so. He'll text me every night without fail just to ask me what I did with my day without offering any insight as to how his day was or any interesting news. The tight grip has gotten so bad that I've even tried wearing gloves on days that probably don't merit glove wearing but he still seems to get me locked into his iron grip! That's it and I sort of suspected it. YOU are independent, self sufficient and he feels somewhat threatened by that. The need to hold your hand HARD, text every night needing to know your whereabouts that day...are done in an attempt to control...which insecure, emotionally needy men tend to be. You need to tell him to back off. Assert yourself! Not sure why you haven't quite frankly. I mean, not to be crude but if you are allowing this man to put his p**is inside you...SURELY you should be able to express to him, assertively and honestly, that this behavior is a turn off, hurts and makes you uncomfortable. 1
PegNosePete Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Same with grabbing my hand under the table while dining with friends at a restaurant. Really? What's wrong with a bit of stealth PDA? My gf and I do this all the time, initiated by both of us. It's great to have a secret hand stroke while your friends are gabbing on about mundane stuff.
katiegrl Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Really? What's wrong with a bit of stealth PDA? My gf and I do this all the time, initiated by both of us. It's great to have a secret hand stroke while your friends are gabbing on about mundane stuff. Good for you! To each his own. My boyfriend and I are more private.... we can't stand PDA and prefer to display our affection for each other privately... or during special moments together like (as I said) a romantic stroll on the beach..a casual walk in the park.
PegNosePete Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 But under the table is private, no-one else can see
katiegrl Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 But under the table is private, no-one else can see Good point....maybe we'll give it a try. Next time we're out having dinner with friends, I will try taking his hand under the table... Knowing my boyfriend, he will no doubt conclude I am probably horny (since doing that would be so out of character for me) ... and proceed to excuse us from the table....and well, I'm sure you can figure out the rest! In all seriousness though Pete...good for you. Whatever works for your relationship... to keep it fresh and exciting... I am all for.
wb1988 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I think the OP is feeling annoyed by it. I remember dating a girl that wouldn't let go of my hand even when I needed to turn the signal when driving. Just keep telling him and joke that he's cutting off your blood supply.
katiegrl Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I think the OP is feeling annoyed by it. I remember dating a girl that wouldn't let go of my hand even when I needed to turn the signal when driving. Just keep telling him and joke that he's cutting off your blood supply. Call me crazy... but I suspect the "hard" hand holding is a symptom of a deeper issue he's stuggling with. An issue he himself may not even be aware of. Dig deeper OP... does he feel anxious and insecure about you and the relationship? Does he feel threatened or uncomfortable with your independence? I dunno I would...
stillafool Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Whatever the bfs reason is for doing this it is up to the OP to assert herself and tell him to stop.
katiegrl Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Whatever the bfs reason is for doing this it is up to the OP to assert herself and tell him to stop. Absolutely agree and even mentioned that earlier, and asked her whe she's been unable to assert herself and tell him to stop...she hasn't responded. Strange. Something else is going on here....maybe she's not so independent after all....
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 If you're telling him and he ignores you, what can you do?
katiegrl Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 If you're telling him and he ignores you, what can you do? Tell him AGAIN...and keep telling him until he gets it! And if he never does...then dump him cause he's an insensitive, controlling a-hole! We're not talking rocket science here... just respecting your partner's wishes and comfort level with certain actions...that physically hurt her, among other things. If he were hitting her...would that be any different? He is hurting her, period...and he needs to stop it...and it's up to her to tell him to stop it. Again, if he refuses....that speaks volumes as to the type of man he is (disrespectful, controlling)...and she should walk away and move on. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Tell him AGAIN...and keep telling him until he gets it! And if he never does...then dump him cause he's an insensitive, controlling a-hole! We're not talking rocket science here... just respecting your partner's wishes and comfort level with certain actions...that physically hurt her, among other things. If he were hitting her...would that be any different? He is hurting her, period...and he needs to stop it...and it's up to her to tell him to stop it. Again, if he refuses....that speaks volumes as to the type of man he is (disrespectful, controlling)...and she should walk away and move on. No - I fully agree. I just didn't feel like stating the obvious
katiegrl Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 No - I fully agree. I just didn't feel like stating the obvious Oh okay...sorry I didn't quite get where you were going with that.... But now I do... 1
Author Eevee Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 Of good lord...in the supermarket? How does that work? I mean, you're pushing the grocery cart, taking items off the shelves....how is holding your hand even possible? I'm sorry...that's just too much...and rather obnoxious IMO. Same with grabbing my hand under the table while dining with friends at a restaurant. Sounds like some sort of "territorial" thing...as in by holding your hand ad nauseum he's "marking his territory" so everyone (other men) will know you're "taken.' I am all for affection and being touch feely... but come on there is a time and a place! Walks on the beach...a stroll in the park after dinner...things like that....of course my boyfriend and I hold hands. But out doing chores, or having dinner with friends? No that's too much it's obnoxious and would totally turn me off! Check your respective love languages. His may be "touch" while yours may be something else. Mine is "quality time" and so is my boyfriend's .... so it works out great! I actually agree with you 100%! It drives me mad! I tell him there's no need to hold my hand whilst I'm trying to get stuff done (like shop!) but then he gets all sullen and quiet and of course the moment we step outside again it's back to the hand holding. It's a lot harder when out with friends because he does it secretly and I don't want to make a scene in front of my friends - but I'm sooo glad you see this the same way as me!
Author Eevee Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 Really? What's wrong with a bit of stealth PDA? My gf and I do this all the time, initiated by both of us. It's great to have a secret hand stroke while your friends are gabbing on about mundane stuff. Stealth PDA can of course be nice but if I'm engaged in a conversation with friends I don't really expect my hand to be suddenly grabbed under the table - it no longer reads as romantic then more like a 'hello pay attention to me too' kind of thing
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