Rough patch?

[Mylife]

Hey all,

 

So I had posted here a few weeks ago about having trouble with engaging conversations with the bf of 9 months now, that has improved and we have gotten better at that.

 

Background story, I am 25 he is 30. Same culture, same values, want the same out of life and both want something serious. Both genuinely love each other and have talked about how scared we both are of loosing the other, neither of us want to go down that path.

 

A few issues that have come up very recently. He for some reason feels like he doesnt get me. He claims I am a different person in front of my parents than I am with him, or diff with my friends than with him. I never feel fake or feel prententious, I feel like myself in all these situations. He asked me if I have any side of me that I am hiding from him and I dont, I told him, just dont get why he feels that way. He says, "one day you like a certain wine and the next day you try something similar and you dont like it", "one day you like a shirt I wear and the next time I wear it a few weeks later and you dont". I havent noticed these things, I be me, he says he doesnt understand my likes and dislikes, I feel like I am prettt open.

 

This is a first serious relationship for both of us and we are both thinking of this and something potentially long term, but I dont get why he is feeling like this.

 

Is it something petty that he is over thinking? Is there something I can do to help make things better in his head?

 

He says he wants to get closer to me as the days progress, but feels like he is going further and further and it scares him and upsets him. He says it a lot that he doesnt want to hurt me and will never do anything that will, so I know the love is there and he cares, a lot! Vday was awesome and we have some prettty good days, but then theres these things that seem to come up and they put a hold on the relationship. Things have been off and on like this since about the new year now. But no fights, no yelling or arguing, just the sad talks and fears of it not working. We will have a good run of 2-3 weeks and then he starts thinkinh again and something will cause both of us to feel sick to our stomach and depressed or stressed about loosing eachother.

 

What do you guys think?

[ExpatInItaly]

I think his underlying fears have zero to do with your likes and dislikes. In my opinion, he's choosing a topic to project his uncertainties on because he doesn't know how else to justify or explain what he's feeling.

 

I would wonder if this is the reason why he hasn't yet had a serious relationship at 30. He appears to be afraid of taking things to the next level. There shouldn't be so much stress and fear of losing each other. I get that to an extent, but if this is an ongoing problem I think it indicates a bigger fear of intimacy and commitment. You shouldn't be so worried that it causes that sick-to-your-stomach feeling so frequently.

 

I would take a step back and look at the patterns. When you get close, does he suddenly retreat? What seems to trigger these doubts? Do you know why other relationships haven't worked out?

 

EDIT: Just read your previous thread. So a month ago the problems were because you weren't interesting enough for him to keep up a conversation with. Now he's claiming he doesn't know your preferences in wine, shirts, etc. I'm sorry OP, but I think he is purposely throwing up roadblocks because he's unsure if this will work out. Sounds like there might be some underlying incompatibilities.

Edited February 20, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[Mylife]

I think his underlying fears have zero to do with your likes and dislikes. In my opinion, he's choosing a topic to project his uncertainties on because he doesn't know how else to justify or explain what he's feeling.

 

I would wonder if this is the reason why he hasn't yet had a serious relationship at 30. He appears to be afraid of taking things to the next level. There shouldn't be so much stress and fear of losing each other. I get that to an extent, but if this is an ongoing problem I think it indicates a bigger fear of intimacy and commitment. You shouldn't be so worried that it causes that sick-to-your-stomach feeling so frequently.

 

I would take a step back and look at the patterns. When you get close, does he suddenly retreat? What seems to trigger these doubts? Do you know why other relationships haven't worked out?

 

Thanks for the reply expatinitaly.

 

I dont know if fear of commitment is the issue, we have talked about the future and he appears to be quite comfortable with that topic. So I dont know.

 

We are physically quite compatible, he never retreats, we cuddle, have had long 5 hr conversations on the phone. I feel we are emotionally compatible as well and feel quite free with eachother. He feels comfortable sharing anything and everything he says and I do too. So no particular patterns there.

 

I havent had anything serious either despite looking, just no one came along. He says that he didnt want to be in anything and wasnt looking, he didnt see that as being important. Then he felt like he should start looking as he was getting oldet and saw people settling down around him. We met online and were both single for almost 6 yrs before this, but again prior relationships were more casual dating.

 

I dont like this feeling and I want it to pass. I dont know if this is a phase or are we just heading towards something bad...

[Mylife]

EDIT: Just read your previous thread. So a month ago the problems were because you weren't interesting enough for him to keep up a conversation with. Now he's claiming he doesn't know your preferences in wine, shirts, etc. I'm sorry OP, but I think he is purposely throwing up roadblocks because he's unsure if this will work out. Sounds like there might be some underlying incompatibilities.

 

Yes, he is unsure...and I dont know what to do about that! he says he isnt going to loose me, he is going to make this work, I want it to too. Since that post we have had days where we had 5 hr long convos on the phone and have been able to talk a lot more...so imo its been better. But maybe he is masking it so I dont get hurt? I am hoping not.

 

He has said things on our good days of how he knows this is love and how special this is.

 

I have told him about his signals are mixed and his words are contradictory. He said he knew that and got very sad knowing that he had hurt me...we talked...cried and he said sorry. We had a great vday after that.

 

I dont know if things like this can come up in all relationships and things can still work out after that? As in he will figure it out in his head and know that its not going to be perfect and accept that as a part of the relationship?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, he is unsure...and I dont know what to do about that! he says he isnt going to loose me, he is going to make this work, I want it to too. Since that post we have had days where we had 5 hr long convos on the phone and have been able to talk a lot more...so imo its been better. But maybe he is masking it so I dont get hurt? I am hoping not.

 

He has said things on our good days of how he knows this is love and how special this is.

 

I have told him about his signals are mixed and his words are contradictory. He said he knew that and got very sad knowing that he had hurt me...we talked...cried and he said sorry. We had a great vday after that.

 

I dont know if things like this can come up in all relationships and things can still work out after that? As in he will figure it out in his head and know that its not going to be perfect and accept that as a part of the relationship?

 

In my experience (and I'm a bit older than him) these problems are a red flag for future bigger problems. Don't invest any further for the moment. Unless and until he sorts this out, you're in for a bumpy ride. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I have never had luck maintaining a healthy relationship with someone who is constantly looking for the problems and fueling their own fears.

 

When I asked if he retreats after being close to you, I didn't mean physically. I meant emotionally. There apparently is a pattern developing, in that if it's not his lack of interest in your conversations, it's his apparent confusion about your likes and dislikes. I think you may find that things will be okay for a little while, but then he will find another reason to put one foot out the door and cast doubt on your future together. I would proceed with great caution here.

[Mylife]

In my experience (and I'm a bit older than him) these problems are a red flag for future bigger problems. Don't invest any further for the moment. Unless and until he sorts this out, you're in for a bumpy ride. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I have never had luck maintaining a healthy relationship with someone who is constantly looking for the problems and fueling their own fears.

 

When I asked if he retreats after being close to you, I didn't mean physically. I meant emotionally. There apparently is a pattern developing, in that if it's not his lack of interest in your conversations, it's his apparent confusion about your likes and dislikes. I think you may find that things will be okay for a little while, but then he will find another reason to put one foot out the door and cast doubt on your future together. I would proceed with great caution here.

 

Hey,

 

I guess my heart is just hoping he doesn't keep finding problems. I dont think and have never been told that I am hard to understand. Perhaps he is just thinking too much.

 

I just wish there was a simple and clear cut answer that "here you go...this is what you need to do".

 

And no, I never feel like he retreats in anything, even emotionally. He shares all with me. But yes, you are right about his one foot out the door and just something stirring things up.

 

Do you think I should just wait it out, give it more time? Is there anything I can say to him that might help things shift in a more positive direction? Should I even talk further about this to him?