Did I ultimately ruin the marriage?

[Spectre]

your remarks and responses are bordering an excessive and unnecessary tone and i'm not trying to be combative here. I get it and as i work through this, i'm understanding what I did was wrong. BUT I DID NOT CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND! we were bound together by a piece of paper. I 100% know that my timing to be with another man and how my husband found out was pitiful, but my husband step outside of this marriage three years ago. i stood by him through all the hardship of his lies and with confrontation upon confrontation from his partners, friends and colleagues AND FAMILY! I was taking care of two children for three years, he being one of those children. I was a walking zombie working nearly day and night to support my family. For the last year of our living together I never, not once, lead him to believe that I was still in the game with him and ready to work even harder than I had been. for 1.5 years I was begging him to find a job and to then move out. It was over then. So, before you go on your rant about how disgusting i was to cheat on my husband, read the whole story first. You are wrong. AND to add to your wrong-doing and accusations, let ms say that my husband and i are in contact daily sharing anecdotes about our son or photos from our time with him. We are, in ways, helping one another through this. Last night we sat in my car crying and holding hands. We are two compassionate, intelligent humans trying to cope, manage and cherish whatever is salvageable in this relationship all for the sake of our son and the pureness of our love for one another regardless of how we may have hurt one another. This could be a whole new ballgame once we dive fully into this divorce as I'm certain new emotions will arise, but right not, we are coping and keeping compassion at the forefront.

 

hey, i appreciate all of this feedback, but the feedback that will resonate with me most is one coming from a constructive, high-minded place. This feedback will resonate with me coming from those who have experienced something similar. Have you ever been truly in love or married? Have you ever felt love from the depths of your mind and heart? If you can answer yes to any of this, then perhaps I can accept your view differently, but from what I'm gathering, I beg to differ. I'm not looking for a response here in the slightest.

 

I'm sorry perhaps I misread. You were not divorced, but separated. You also clearly said in this topic you DID NOT have a talk with your husband about boundaries and if you could date others while separated.

 

You cheated if that is true. If you can't accept that fact nobody here can help you. Correct me if I'm wrong then: did you or did you not admit that you did not have any discussion regarding if you could get with other people during this separation? Maybe I misread, and if I did then I owe you a big apology. But I could of sworn you said you didn't, and you weren't divorced. Anything else you say doesn't matter. Your husband cheated? Okay, it's bad, but it doesn't give you the right to cheat.

 

But like I said if I just imagined you admitting you never had a talk about what was or was not allowed during the separation..well, that is my bad then. If I am right? Then yes you did cheat. Should of waited until you divorced before jumping into bed with someone.

 

Also one other question, if you were so busy with work and taking care of kids how did you find the time to cheat?

Edited February 22, 2015 by Spectre

[elaine567]

Seems that a spouse being a pathological liar, lying for years and causing financial ruin is fine to some, but that once separated, moving on to another partner, is somehow a cardinal sin.

 

Seems that betrayal, lying and cheating is only serious if it also involves sex, ie adultery.

 

Betrayal, lying and cheating over just about every other part of their relationship, is just fine...

 

The OP moved on, she was divorced in every way bar the paperwork.

This was not a separation leading to reconciliation; I am sure it was actually a huge relief after years of "abuse" by a lying husband.

 

Separated people have relationships all the time, any couple who separate need to realise that if they want their spouse to not sleep with other people then they should not agree to the separation, or if separation is forced upon them, then they should accept that their separated partner sleeping with others may be on the cards.

[toolforgrowth]

Betrayal, lying and cheating over just about every other part of their relationship, is just fine...

 

It's not fine. I'm not saying her husband is blameless, because he most certainly isn't...just like I wasn't in my M with my xWW. It was my responsibility to own that, just like it's her husband's responsibility to do the same.

 

But now, she is not blameless either. She has chosen to add her own betrayal and series of lies to the pile, which has complicated matters even worse. She's got to own that just as much as her husband has got to own his own issues.

[elaine567]

It's not fine. I'm not saying her husband is blameless, because he most certainly isn't...just like I wasn't in my M with my xWW. It was my responsibility to own that, just like it's her husband's responsibility to do the same.

 

But now, she is not blameless either. She has chosen to add her own betrayal and series of lies to the pile, which has complicated matters even worse. She's got to own that just as much as her husband has got to own his own issues.

 

She is separated, so who is she lying to? They are no longer living as man and wife.

Yes, she could of told him she was seeing someone else, and on hindsight that would have been prudent, but as a separated woman she is not IMO duty bound to tell him anything as regards her private life, unless of course it was affecting their children.

[stopdreaming]

But now, she is not blameless either. She has chosen to add her own betrayal and series of lies to the pile, which has complicated matters even worse. She's got to own that just as much as her husband has got to own his own issues.

@toolforgrowth …and am owning up to it. but i still have a "but" to follow this.

[toolforgrowth]

She is separated, so who is she lying to? They are no longer living as man and wife.

Yes, she could of told him she was seeing someone else, and on hindsight that would have been prudent, but as a separated woman she is not IMO duty bound to tell him anything as regards her private life, unless of course it was affecting their children.

 

I disagree, namely because I've been on the other side. She flat out knew I was going to not date anyone until we had decided on the fate of our marriage, but didn't tell me she was going to date other men. IOW, she purposefully kept me in the dark so I wouldn't date other women while she was out banging this guy. I even tried talking to her about it, but she shut me down.

 

Once I found out, I went out and started having sex with an old flame of sorts. That's when the leopard showed her true spots. lol Sending messages to my ex GF from an alias Facebook account, trying to seduce me again to keep me on the hook, etc.

 

I believe that if you're going to separate, tell your spouse that you're going to be seeing other people. That way they can make their own choice.

 

BTW, if you're married, I sure hope your husband knows this is your POV.

 

EDIT: That last sentence isn't meant to be a dig at you. I just think one's spouse should have all the information available. Otherwise, what's to stop a person from continuously separating just to engage in sex outside of the M guilt-free? To me, that's just a loophole to allow adulterous behavior.

Edited February 22, 2015 by toolforgrowth

[Chi townD]

You are excellent. This is the best guilt post I have ever read.

 

OP, what you did WAS cheating because you were still married. But if a grown man is that depressed for that many years, takes it out on you, and will not seek help, the idea that YOU alone are responsible for whatever horrible choice he might make is ridiculous.

 

 

 

Wow, some man really screwed you over to have such a misandrist attitude about anything a guy has to say.

 

 

She's leaving her husband, she made that point pretty frickin clear, but pointed out a few things I've seen in the behavior her husband TO WHICH I'VE HAD TRAINING TO RECONGIZE, and was pointing out the very benchmarks that if you did research, you would see that I'm not inflating anything. Considering that 93% of successful suicides are by men, this is a VERY REAL possibility.

 

 

So, her husband wasn't husband of the year, but he still a frickin human being! Now, you may not value a human life, but I do. I mean, Christ! Your last sentence pretty much reads "If he kills himself..Meh, Not your fault, he probably deserved it." That's pretty heartless.

 

 

And guilt post? Did I write that she needs to run back to him and work sh*t out before he does something stupid? NO!!!!! What did I write? Let me help you out with that. I told her that if I was on the mark and if this was a possible concern and he was seeing a therapist, then she should contact him or her. Did I write contact her husband? NO!!! I also stated that if he was lying about the therapist, then she should contact his family members. Does that sound like "You need to run back to him"? NO!!!!

 

 

Christ, I need a drink.

[fellini]

I'm not going to bother hunting down the posts, because those who have experience here either know this, or turn a blind eye to it.

 

When a BH throws his WW to the curb and then posts about dating again even though the divorce is not final, he is given, well ,let's say, some slack.

 

When a BW throes her WH to the curb and even suggests that she might go out for drinks, the hawks sweep in and start talking "get thee to a nunery".

 

Luckily LS is not real life and posters can read between the lines.

[Friskyone4u]

Elaine had it right. When two people separate with the intent not being to reconcile stated , it should not be assumed that there will not be any dating or sex with others. If that is the agreement it should be stated but quite frankly many make that agreement and do not honor it anyway.

OP you did not ruin the marriage . No marriage has one person who is 100% to blame. He did some really ****ty things to you .

The bottom line is you should have divorced before entering into another physical relationship but did not. Can't do much about that now. What would you have done if you saw the text? Tell your boyfriend to leave , and how would that have changed anything???

Bad surprise for your husband . Being financial deceived and devastated is no picnic either .

You can't ruin something that already ruined. Stop

Beating yourself up

[autumnnight]

Wow, some man really screwed you over to have such a misandrist attitude about anything a guy has to say.

 

 

She's leaving her husband, she made that point pretty frickin clear, but pointed out a few things I've seen in the behavior her husband TO WHICH I'VE HAD TRAINING TO RECONGIZE, and was pointing out the very benchmarks that if you did research, you would see that I'm not inflating anything. Considering that 93% of successful suicides are by men, this is a VERY REAL possibility.

 

 

So, her husband wasn't husband of the year, but he still a frickin human being! Now, you may not value a human life, but I do. I mean, Christ! Your last sentence pretty much reads "If he kills himself..Meh, Not your fault, he probably deserved it." That's pretty heartless.

 

 

And guilt post? Did I write that she needs to run back to him and work sh*t out before he does something stupid? NO!!!!! What did I write? Let me help you out with that. I told her that if I was on the mark and if this was a possible concern and he was seeing a therapist, then she should contact him or her. Did I write contact her husband? NO!!! I also stated that if he was lying about the therapist, then she should contact his family members. Does that sound like "You need to run back to him"? NO!!!!

 

 

Christ, I need a drink.

 

I'm not a misandrist in the least. Actually, I thought you were a woman.

 

This man has been a pathological liar for years. They separated. I agree that it would have been much better to wait until the divorce was final to date at all. And why in the world she had not at least changed the locks I do not understand. I think the other man was a bad choice.

 

But her husband has been a liar for most of their marriage, and I, who also know a thing or two about mental illness, do not think the problem is that he is depressed and she needs to be his suicide watch.

 

He may be depressed. Does that give him license to completely destroy his wife's trust throughout their marriage? Does that make it HER responsibility to take one for the team and be his helper?

 

I'm sorry, but I can only see one real motivation for anyone ignoring his pattern of abuse and laying on the suicide drama. It is because, as is the pattern on forums, the only kind of betrayal most people think matters is infidelity. And in the real, normal people world, that just isn't the case. There are other types of betrayal that can be just as painful, especially when they last for years and years.

 

Yeah yeah...It's the infidelity section.

 

The original question was about who was it who really ruined the marriage. I say they took turns, and he went first.

 

I am sorry for thinking you were a woman. Your name and....demeanor reminded me of someone I frequently read elsewhere.

[toolforgrowth]

@toolforgrowth …and am owning up to it. but i still have a "but" to follow this.

 

There's no need for a but here. Your husband did some heinous things in your marriage, things that I am not unsympathetic towards you about. There are even other people here who don't believe you really did anything wrong here. I'm not one of them, and I do disagree with them, but I can still see their point of view.

 

When I found out my xWW was having her A while we were separated, I told her I was going to file. She didn't like it and beat me to the punch and filed before I did. I was fine with it (saved me the $300 filing fee, after all), and what did I do?

 

I immediately began sleeping with a woman hotter than her. The distinction is that I waited until after divorce had been filed to engage in sexual activity with another woman.

 

I really want to make sure I clearly communicate that I'm not coming down on you or that I think you're a bad person, because I don't. I think you're a person who's put up with a LOT of crap in her M and who was at her wit's end. I also think you're looking for something more, something better than what you've experienced. Again, I can't fault you for that.

 

But all of that aside, you didn't file for divorce until after your sexual relationship with another man was discovered. Why didn't you file for divorce immediately after separating?

 

In your first post, you say this:

 

I still believe, after the anger has settled, that divorce is truly best for us.

But in that same post, you say this:

 

He was my love. I still love him. He did some awful things and pushed me to such limits, yet now that the dust has settled I am facing the end to this love for real.

 

Had I not had this relationship, had my husband not find out, and began to communicate to me that he was indeed on a path to recovery could we have made it through to the other side? Or, was he just one day too late?

You say you still love this man, but are realizing that as a result of your actions post-separation, his love for you may now diminish and that you could potentially miss out on reconciling with him.

 

This is why I say having relationships while separated is a bad idea. Not because you hurt your husband (because let's face it, he's hurt you plenty), but because now it's possible that you're going to miss out on having the man you say you love work on his issues and be better for your sake. And that is why you immediately didn't file, because I think a part of you was hoping he would get better and you wanted a chance to observe before making any permanent decisions. But now, due to your actions, you were forced to file divorce ahead of schedule, and for completely different reasons than why you originally separated. The waters have been quite sufficiently muddied.

 

Only you can answer if he was just one day too late. We can't answer that because we don't know how you feel. I honestly get the impression that you don't even know how you feel, and that's okay.

 

But having an extramarital sexual relationship isn't going to bring you clarity in this situation to help you make an informed decision. It's only going to complicate matters for you and make you a hell of a lot more confused, which is why you're here in the first place.

 

EDIT: Another question I have is how long after you separated did you begin engaging in sex with this other man? Did you already know him when you were still living with your husband? Was this other man a catalyst in you finally deciding to separate?

Edited February 22, 2015 by toolforgrowth

[WomenWubber]

"Had I not had this relationship, had my husband not find out, and began to communicate to me that he was indeed on a path to recovery could we have made it through to the other side? Or, was he just one day too late?"

 

The only way to know is to give it a try.

 

But that's a closed chapter for you and, most likely, your husband as well.

[stopdreaming]

But all of that aside, you didn't file for divorce until after your sexual relationship with another man was discovered. Why didn't you file for divorce immediately after separating?

 

I have been talking to a lawyer for almost 6 months. I was also discussing the "when" to file for a divorce with close friends and my therapist. So, this wasn't just a reaction to my wrong doing. To answer a further question you had, I was indeed holding on subconsciously, for sure, because truth is, i really do love him. I may not be in love with him anymore but I really, really do love him. I know this may make little sense to most of you, but I had and still have a great deal of compassion and sorrow for my husband. His life was shattered and damaged by himself. He is a beautiful and talented man that was throwing it all away. And for years I watched him do this. I grew tired of watching it and moved on in ways throughout those years. I was divorced from him in my mind. I was solely thinking of myself and my son for our future and our next steps. I would constantly ask my husband to talk to me and update me on his life and how he's trying to better it but he had nothing to say, so I stopped asking and completely detached myself from him and us. I never lead him on once we separated that this was a resting time for us and time for us to reflect and see if this could work. it was over. I said that a year ago when I begged him to leave but he didn't leave until I basically forced him a year later. we event discussed mediation as opposed to getting attorneys.

 

To really answer your question, i believe subconsciously I really did have some small percentage of hope that I never outwardly expressed. The moment my husband walked in on me, I knew it was over. His reaction to walking into that situation was the first time I saw or heard his thoughts or feelings in years. I HAD no idea his head was still in the game and had thought he had just giving up on us as well - and that made things so confusing for me in such ways you have no idea. BUT i made my bed, I wronged him too and it was over. it was too late. Even at this very moment, I still question our divorce, but then what comes back to me immediately is how can I ever, ever trust him again? And it's that that puts my feet back on the ground. he said he's seeing a therapist but I don't believe him. I know he saw a psychiatrist because they put him on medicine for depression and he's experiencing side-affects from it that i can physically see. I don't believe him when he tells me he's going to the store or if he's running late to pick up our son because he had car troubles. I don't believe the small stuff nor the big stuff and it sucks. I do believe he loves me too and I KNOW for certain he is greatly in love with our son. But that's as far as I can see.

 

 

Another question I have is how long after you separated did you begin engaging in sex with this other man? Did you already know him when you were still living with your husband? Was this other man a catalyst in you finally deciding to separate?

It was three months after our separation that I engaged sexually with another man.

[toolforgrowth]

I was indeed holding on subconsciously, for sure, because truth is, i really do love him.

 

I was divorced from him in my mind.

These two statements are not compatible. You can't hold on subconsciously to someone if you are divorced from them in your mind. That's what mental divorce is; that person no longer has any sway on you, consciously or unconsciously.

 

I really feel like there is more to this story than what you're telling. I asked when you met OM, if you knew him before you separated, and whether or not OM's presence in your life was a catalyst in your decision to separate. You didn't answer those questions. You told us you had sex with him three months after your separation, but that doesn't tell us when you met him, how long you've known him, and whether or not this man played a role in you deciding to separate.

 

In other words, you're trickle truthing us.

Edited February 22, 2015 by toolforgrowth

[stopdreaming]

These two statements are not compatible. You can't hold on subconsciously to someone if you are divorced from them in your mind. That's what mental divorce is; that person no longer has any sway on you, consciously or unconsciously.

 

I really feel like there is more to this story than what you're telling. I asked when you met OM, if you knew him before you separated, and whether or not OM's presence in your life was a catalyst in your decision to separate. You didn't answer those questions. You told us you had sex with him three months after your separation, but that doesn't tell us when you met him, how long you've known him, and whether or not this man played a role in you deciding to separate.

 

In other words, you're trickle truthing us.

 

i'm really not "trickle truthing" you. what would I have to gain by lying to you? I don't know you. I'm not looking to win you over, I came here to hear it straight, and I learned a great deal from you all including your own probing with your questions - it's giving me a great deal of perspective.

 

this man is someone I have met before but I never gave it another thought until we saw one another again, while i was separated. this man played no role in my wanting or needing to separate. as I stated before I've been wanting this separation well over a year ago. and to be completely blunt and outright, i'm not in any way shape or form looking to have a fulfilling relationship with this man. he is fully aware of my own situation and we're both drawn together due to chemistry but there is also a great deal of profound respect and for one another. he has fulfilled my intimate desires as well as being a nice companion when the need arises. whether you believe this or not is your decision but if there is one thing that I am certain of, this man had no part in my wanting to separate form my husband. this man lives very far away from me and isn't planning to move anywhere near me ever. we have a mature and open understanding as to where this relationship stands.

[toolforgrowth]

i'm really not "trickle truthing" you. what would I have to gain by lying to you? I don't know you. I'm not looking to win you over, I came here to hear it straight, and I learned a great deal from you all including your own probing with your questions - it's giving me a great deal of perspective.

 

this man is someone I have met before but I never gave it another thought until we saw one another again, while i was separated. this man played no role in my wanting or needing to separate. as I stated before I've been wanting this separation well over a year ago. and to be completely blunt and outright, i'm not in any way shape or form looking to have a fulfilling relationship with this man. he is fully aware of my own situation and we're both drawn together due to chemistry but there is also a great deal of profound respect and for one another. he has fulfilled my intimate desires as well as being a nice companion when the need arises. whether you believe this or not is your decision but if there is one thing that I am certain of, this man had no part in my wanting to separate form my husband. this man lives very far away from me and isn't planning to move anywhere near me ever. we have a mature and open understanding as to where this relationship stands.

 

Very good. I appreciate the additional information.

 

This then leads to my next question. Is your chemistry with this man worth knowing that now you may never have a chance to reconcile with your husband?

 

You're here because you want the answers to these questions:

 

Had I not had this relationship, had my husband not find out, and began to communicate to me that he was indeed on a path to recovery could we have made it through to the other side? Or, was he just one day too late?

 

We can't answer those for you. But if you really want to find out, here's what I suggest:

 

1) Put your relationship with OM on hold and deal with what's currently in front of you before involving anyone else. If you decide to go through with the divorce, then by all means continue at that time. But having him in the picture at this point isn't helping the situation, it's only making it worse.

 

2) Go to therapy. Like, yesterday. We're all armchair psychologists here. We can relate our personal experiences with you, but none of us are trained professionals who can help you put your experience into context.

 

3) Decide what you really want with your husband. If there's one thing I'm getting from your reasons for coming here, is that you're undecided. Sure, you've beaten the "I want a divorce" drum quite a bit, but you yourself have said that you were subconsciously holding out hope. That means that you're not really done with him, not yet.

 

What you decide do to is ultimately your decision. But that's the best advice I can give you. Whether or not you decide to take any of it is up to you.

[stopdreaming]

Very good. I appreciate the additional information.

 

This then leads to my next question. Is your chemistry with this man worth knowing that now you may never have a chance to reconcile with your husband?

 

You're here because you want the answers to these questions:

 

 

 

We can't answer those for you. But if you really want to find out, here's what I suggest:

 

1) Put your relationship with OM on hold and deal with what's currently in front of you before involving anyone else. If you decide to go through with the divorce, then by all means continue at that time. But having him in the picture at this point isn't helping the situation, it's only making it worse.

 

2) Go to therapy. Like, yesterday. We're all armchair psychologists here. We can relate our personal experiences with you, but none of us are trained professionals who can help you put your experience into context.

 

3) Decide what you really want with your husband. If there's one thing I'm getting from your reasons for coming here, is that you're undecided. Sure, you've beaten the "I want a divorce" drum quite a bit, but you yourself have said that you were subconsciously holding out hope. That means that you're not really done with him, not yet.

 

What you decide do to is ultimately your decision. But that's the best advice I can give you. Whether or not you decide to take any of it is up to you.

 

I have been seeing a therapist. I feel that since i have posted initially that I have unraveled a great deal, thanks to folks like you.

 

- Had I put on my BIG GIRL clothes two years ago when I first started to threaten divorce, I would be divorced already. But i didn't do that and this was prolonged further and further that ultimately left me here

 

I wanted a divorce, I believe this relationship is over and it's sad and tragic.

 

I'm sorry how I behaved with this OM and will live with this for the rest of my life. I'm not proud of how it happened and wish I had handled this full of grace, but i did not.

 

i believe that i will never be able to trust my husband again.

 

i am not in love with my husband, but i love him dearly and will be "married" to him for the rest of my life because of this amazing and beautiful son we have created out of love.

 

my husband is depressed.

 

my husband is a pathological liar.

 

my husband may very well get his life together and i am fully supportive of this for him and for my son. and should this happen I am prepared to feel sorrow for my own self that he couldn't do this when we were together.

 

i am broken.

 

i am sad.

 

i am depressed.

 

i am a strong woman.

 

i am a single mother.

 

i have absolutely NO regrets with my willingness to save this marriage prior to our separation. I DID everything I could.

 

I believe my husband is aware of what his actions did to this family and is overly consumed with his own guilt and sadness.

 

I believe, now, that this marriage was over the day he continued to lie to me where trust and respect was broken and all that bound us was diminished.

 

I chose the handle name of STOPDREAMING because I am a dreamer. I visualized my life to be surrounded by such a man who ultimately gave me so much fulfillment through companionship and family. I do the same dreaming and visualizing with my own personal life including work etc. I believe that dreaming is a way to give one hope BUT I have learned through all of this that dreaming is a sure way to disappointment and that I have chosen a new path to be in the present and to think more rational. Although this part of me that is a dreamer is quite beautiful, it's also something that has been quite unfulfilling and temporary.

 

i'm in reality and it's new and scary but I'll get used to it.

 

Thank you all!

you've been beyond helpful.

 

Love,

Stopdreaming

[toolforgrowth]

Good luck! I sure hope everything works out okay for you.

[beach]

Thank you for your reply. We didn't have ground rules. I did take accountability and expressed intense wrong-doing. I was so wrong and irrational for bringing this man into my house - this i know. My H was showing no progress prior to this incident. I had no idea he decided to see a therapist, something I have literally begged him to do for year. I had no idea that he was feeling like he was coming out on the other side, until this happened. He communicated very little with me. We have been cordial and friendly for the past few months and have spent time as a family all along when the time permitted.

 

If he had been making changes/progress you would have seen evidence of that.

 

But you dating and acting single while still married isn't right either.

 

You're both doing things that are mean to each other.

 

Your soon to be ex H behavior looks like drug using behavior - has he had issues with drugs?

[TrustedthenBusted]

I strongly disagree. Many couples choose to separate as a cooling off period during a bad time in their marriage. The intention is to use the time for counseling & reflection to determine whether to give their marriage another shot. No matter the reason for the separation the couple really needs to set the ground rules about seeing other people or not. It avoids precisely this scenario.

 

 

Point taken. I was just sharing MY opinion on Separation. I mean look on any dating website and run a search on the work "separated." Tons of candidates on there.

 

I think to most people it means they are getting divorced, and just being honest in that they haven't actually filed yet, or have filed, and not yet finalized.

 

I don't know of anyone in my network who separated, and then got back together.

[Lion Heart]

While there is no typical in the U.S. , sometimes separations are used as a last ditch effort to save the marriage. A neutral cooling off period to see if both parties can reconcile before divorce. Some states or jurisdictions actually use it as such and require marriage therapy. It rarely works.

 

I know its not Australia, but its kinda close - my WW's OM/MM was a kiwi can convinced her (when she was single) that marital cheating and having mistress was part his culture and ok (like France or Italy I guess? ).

 

Yeah totally agree dichotomy. Some people are crafty manipulators. Your WWs OM was like that and I think even in those cultures mentioned, it's still immoral to have affairs but as in my WHs family "accepted" as the norm. I'd say "common but not normal".

 

It all comes down to character. What OUR character defines as right or wrong. This OP feels she cheated on her husband even though separated. So she feels like she's done the wrong thing. She's also sad she hurt her H. That shows some moral integrity. I get the approach held that "separated" can mean you're working on your marraige but only since joining LS recently! That concept is not held at all here or maybe in cases I've not heard of. It's a great concept and I see it's merits BUT both parties would need to know those ground rules and IN THAT CASE, OP cheated. In the purely separated to precede divorce? IMO OP didn't cheat. Grey area.

 

I get it and LS forums help us define these areas ALOT better. Thanks Di and best wishes.

You're doing ok OP and possibly just need more clearly defined boundaries with H and more open communication. That wouldn't be easy given the lack of those things during the marriage.

 

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

Dear Stopdreaming,

 

Let me share a book that really helped me focus and be rational after my separation from exWH. I had left him with my 9mth old baby DD in tow, penniless but really left with no choice (and I was RIGHT). It's a Stephen Covey title "7 Habits of highly effective families". You have a beautiful family, you and your son. This book guides your decision making and sets up incredible habits to make your family very strong indeed. It also helps to build character and resilience in your son, yourself and your newly defined family. I used the book of similar title but for people to rise very rapidly in my career and became prosperous.

 

This DD I referred to earlier is now 22yo and wow, she's exceeded my wildest dreams for her incredible achievements in all aspects of her life. BETTER THAN MY WILDEST DREAMS for her.

 

I'm saying this because YES I'm a dreamer too. We all need to be to some degree. It's really how we convert these dreams into practical steps here on earth that creates the life we want. As Oprah also found, when you put in the hard yards and look after Yourself, work on yourself, you exceed your dreams.

 

This is what I hope for you. That you can re-adjust your new reality of "family", live in line with the character you have and want, build this in your son and power your family to great heights.

 

Gotta get to work! Best wishes.

Lion Heart.

[stopdreaming]

Dear Stopdreaming,

 

Let me share a book that really helped me focus and be rational after my separation from exWH. I had left him with my 9mth old baby DD in tow, penniless but really left with no choice (and I was RIGHT). It's a Stephen Covey title "7 Habits of highly effective families". You have a beautiful family, you and your son. This book guides your decision making and sets up incredible habits to make your family very strong indeed. It also helps to build character and resilience in your son, yourself and your newly defined family. I used the book of similar title but for people to rise very rapidly in my career and became prosperous.

 

This DD I referred to earlier is now 22yo and wow, she's exceeded my wildest dreams for her incredible achievements in all aspects of her life. BETTER THAN MY WILDEST DREAMS for her.

 

I'm saying this because YES I'm a dreamer too. We all need to be to some degree. It's really how we convert these dreams into practical steps here on earth that creates the life we want. As Oprah also found, when you put in the hard yards and look after Yourself, work on yourself, you exceed your dreams.

 

This is what I hope for you. That you can re-adjust your new reality of "family", live in line with the character you have and want, build this in your son and power your family to great heights.

 

Gotta get to work! Best wishes.

Lion Heart.

 

thank you, Lion Heart. Thank you very much.

[Spectre]

Seems that a spouse being a pathological liar, lying for years and causing financial ruin is fine to some, but that once separated, moving on to another partner, is somehow a cardinal sin.

 

Seems that betrayal, lying and cheating is only serious if it also involves sex, ie adultery.

 

Betrayal, lying and cheating over just about every other part of their relationship, is just fine...

 

The OP moved on, she was divorced in every way bar the paperwork.

This was not a separation leading to reconciliation; I am sure it was actually a huge relief after years of "abuse" by a lying husband.

 

Separated people have relationships all the time, any couple who separate need to realise that if they want their spouse to not sleep with other people then they should not agree to the separation, or if separation is forced upon them, then they should accept that their separated partner sleeping with others may be on the cards.

 

Nope, cheating is cheating. You wanna bang other folk? Have the divorce go through. They also had no talk about boundaries and if they'd date other people. So nope, banging others wasn't on the cards. Would of been easy for her to open her mouth and tell the guy it was on the cards, but she didn't. He had to find out via walking in just after she banged some creep. If you can f*ck some creep, you can open your damn mouth and say you are dating others.

[autumnnight]

Nope, cheating is cheating. You wanna bang other folk? Have the divorce go through. They also had no talk about boundaries and if they'd date other people. So nope, banging others wasn't on the cards. Would of been easy for her to open her mouth and tell the guy it was on the cards, but she didn't. He had to find out via walking in just after she banged some creep. If you can f*ck some creep, you can open your damn mouth and say you are dating others.

 

So how DO you feel about what HE did for years?