Pretending you don't care.....

[bohica]

Hello

 

Recently dated someone for a few weeks but it went bad. Some of you read my story.

 

A lot of people, including my friends say I need to learn not to care. They say in the beginning I need to just walk away from situations when they occur and not let the other person know I am bothered by there actions. Even if I am. I have never been good at this. I am very readable. I can't pretend. I am an emotional person. The older I get the more I don't want to be like this but is this really the way to get a girl to stick around? Really? People say anytime they have ever done that the girl always comes to them.

 

Can losing someone by not acting this way be reversed? In other words, If you lose someone because you cared too much too soon how do you go about trying to get them back? Wait two weeks, a month, a year to contact them? Just call and tell them?

[preraph]

No, it won't make the girl come to them if the girl has already decided against you. But what it will do is let you keep your self-respect in whatever circle you're in or she's in because you acted mature and kept a good face on it. The idea is to not let it put your life on hold. Have your emotions in private or with your closest friend or relative and get it all out, but then put your face on and get out there and be social and be seen having a good time. It may start out that you only care what she thinks about it if she sees you, but the goal is to get to the point where you've moved on and no longer care.

[Buddhist]

What you've been told is useful only dependant upon the situation.

 

If someone has broken up with you. Yes, get over it in private and let it go in public. Don't make a scene or desperately try and get that person back. They've already made a decision you can't change. Better to get on with life and don't do anything you'll be embarrassed about later.

 

If you are in a relationship and you are pretending not to care as way to manipulate your partner, that's immaturity. Sometimes this will work, if you are with a very insecure girl who is easily manipulated, she will get all worried about your lack of attention and try and win you over. If you are with someone even slightly mature they will see your actions as a manipulation and break up with you. Not because of you, but because you are trying to control the relationship.

 

Likewise, if you are with a girl who withdraws her affections as a way to manipulate you, then you can teach her not to do this by not responding to her manipulation. That is not the same as withdrawing your affection though. It's noticing that she's blowing hot and cold on you as a way to get you to pay more attention to her, and then not playing into that. Instead telling her that this kind of thing isn't acceptable to you, she can either stop it, or she can leave the relationship.

 

You really need to decide for yourself how you are going to approach relationships and act in them. 99% of young people try manipulation as a relationship technique. They do this until they've burned several relationships and lost one that was really important to them. Then they realise, it's not a good way of relating to other people.

[bohica]

I believe it does depend on the situation. My friends say once they sense a girl doesn't have interest they walk away and pretend they don't care. Each time I try to talk to them they always make me feel I don't know how to handle women. I'm in my 40's I've had dated a lot of women but it's when I get caught up with someone I seem to be wrong and it's my fault I screw it up because I won't play games.

 

My last dating experience was one in which I sensed she lost interest. I laid low for almost two weeks, kind of let it play out but at the same time because I am so bad at it she knew something was up with me too. Instead of pretending I didn't care I told her it wasn't going to work. A week went by before I said something and almost two before i broke it off.

 

And.. what if you did the breaking up instead of doing the I don't care routine then decide you want to give it another go.

 

I had a second similar situation a few years ago. I just can sense when something is wrong and it's hard to pretend I don't care. In that situation I also broke it off.

 

Can the damaged ever be reversed ? I guess it's the second part of my original past.

Edited February 20, 2015 by bohica

[todreaminblue]

i think the only way to not be manipulated is not to manipulate another

 

honesty is the best policy and i feel if you come clean and go from an honest place...honesty will be what you find and get returned....a peace pipe of truth..much better shared among truth givers........the answer you get may not be the answer you really want but at least you know its real.....

 

honesty is something that can be felt....as well as said.....as well as heard

 

when you hide your true intentions it is palpable to some people......and if that person is the type to feel honesty then its best you be honest anyway adn they will eb honest with you

 

 

my rule of thumb is honesty directness.....and compassion when hearing truth......

 

everyone wants truth......who wants to be lied too or have things hidden...it isnt fun it isnt nice and it achieves nothing other than confusion and disappointment......

 

 

be truthful if you like someone let them know.....it feels really awkward and scary.....but most of the time with most good hearted people.....you get the truth back.....it is never....and i say never....too late to be truthful......deb

[planb1973]

Funny thing, I literally just got back from having a drink with an ex that I had not seen or heard from in 9 months.

 

Our relationship went too fast too soon. I got hurt, but pretended not to care. We hadn't spoken since she ended the relationship over reasons I still don't understand. Basically things got serious between us quickly and after 4 months she got scared and ran. I got left with a broken heart, but pretended not to care.

 

It takes effort not to care, but those of us who do actually care can only try to learn how, and may never figure it out. I think caring is an important aspect of living. Letting go is more what you need to do. That can actually be learned and works better than not caring.

 

So after 9 months of letting go and moving on... Well apparently it worked because she asked me out for drinks. Unfortunately I do care and as much as I thought I could go out and have drinks simply platonic I am left with missing her like I hadn't in a long time.

[Buddhist]

I'm in my 40's I've had dated a lot of women but it's when I get caught up with someone I seem to be wrong and it's my fault I screw it up because I won't play games.

 

If you have to play games with someone over the age of 30 to keep their investment in the relationship, you're in the wrong relationship. This is the kind of behaviour I would expect from a 20yr old. I don't know the circumstances of your past relationships but game playing should not be necessary or desirable in a real relationship. Perhaps it wasn't a lack of games but something else that you aren't aware of. I don't know.

 

My last dating experience was one in which I sensed she lost interest.

 

You sensed it? Are you 100% sure that a loss of interest was really it? Or could it have been some other issue that you both might have overcome? Did you bring it up with her, or just come to this conclusion on your own and break up?

 

 

And.. what if you did the breaking up instead of doing the I don't care routine then decide you want to give it another go.

 

Depends on the situation and your partner at the time. For me, personally I do not let go of a relationship until I have exhausted all avenues for fixing the problems. But once I do let go it's because I know it's a lost cause. In that kind of situation, there is no coming back.

 

If you are breaking up as a knee jerk reaction to prevent hurt and without trying to resolve issues first then you need to know, every breakup hurts the relationship and causes your partner to lose trust in you. Things will never be as they were if you get back together and you've already set a precedent for her to doubt your commitment. It's possible, but it will be tough.

[mightycpa]

I think that the reason people instinctively shy away from that is because the love seems cheap and not genuine. The target can't reciprocate with similar devotion because, well, because they are not devoted. Unless you're actually using someone for sex or money or activities, it feels fairly uncomfortable for the relationship to be one-sided.

 

I think that unconsciously, there is a suspicion of easy come, easy go. If someone fell for me so easily, then what's to stop them from falling quickly for the guy they meet at the library or the grocery store?

 

I'll never forget Janet, who after one night together, told me she love me. I remember looking at her and reminding her that she didn't know who I was. The feeling I have remembering that is that she was silly. Maybe that's it.

 

Anyway, I think you have it all wrong. I don't think you try to get them back, that's a fool's game, trying to win what you've already lost. I think you move on to the next one if you're after success.

[bohica]

You sensed it? Are you 100% sure that a loss of interest was really it? Or could it have been some other issue that you both might have overcome? Did you bring it up with her, or just come to this conclusion on your own and break up?

 

In both cases I sensed it, tried to stay low key and give some space for a week or so then mentioned it, to which I didn't really get an answer other then them pointing to something I did or said. Basically turning it. Then I broke it off with them another week later. In both cases the women were very affectionate, and showed a lot of interest then quickly backed off in a big way.

 

Depends on the situation and your partner at the time. For me, personally I do not let go of a relationship until I have exhausted all avenues for fixing the problems. But once I do let go it's because I know it's a lost cause. In that kind of situation, there is no coming back.

 

If you are breaking up as a knee jerk reaction to prevent hurt and without trying to resolve issues first then you need to know, every breakup hurts the relationship and causes your partner to lose trust in you. Things will never be as they were if you get back together and you've already set a precedent for her to doubt your commitment. It's possible, but it will be tough

 

 

In both cases I did not try to exhaust all avenues. My friends would say that is a suckers move. Just walk away. Make them think you don't care.

 

In both cases maybe it was a knee jerk reaction. A friend says it's because at this age we are more in touch with our emotions, not afraid to share them and know what we want from a women and if we don't get it we are afraid of getting hurt.

 

Note: it should be said that in both cases I was only dating the women for six or seven weeks or so. Not sure if I am scared, lack patients, etc... I know I am a very intuitive person so I sense when something is off.

[bohica]

Anyway, I think you have it all wrong. I don't think you try to get them back, that's a fool's game, trying to win what you've already lost. I think you move on to the next one if you're after success.

 

The funny thing about this is that some people say the opposite and it depends how much was invested and how much effort was exhausted. The question becomes....

 

When is it ok to try and get someone back ?

 

I don't think you should always have that 'next' attitude every time something goes wrong. I do understand trying to keep your dignity and not making a fool out of yourself but sometimes you take risks...no?

[carhill]

The funny thing about this is that some people say the opposite and it depends how much was invested and how much effort was exhausted. The question becomes....

 

Different paths work for different people. If there's a meeting of the minds in the realm of care/care less/not care and how it's presented, then there is. Otherwise, miss.

 

When is it ok to try and get someone back ?

For any particular person, whenever they feel like it. Reading the minds of others is impossible and the time spent trying to out-guess their next move could be spent saving the world or doing something far more personally satisfying. Interact authentically for one's style and what happens, happens.

 

I don't think you should always have that 'next' attitude every time something goes wrong. I do understand trying to keep your dignity and not making a fool out of yourself but sometimes you take risks...no?

IMO, that perspective is valid and people do go back to old flames, exes, previous spouses, etc, and sometimes form lifelong bonds. Sometimes it blows up in their face. Sometimes they realize it was folly. Sometimes it works for awhile. Such is the nature of human existence and interaction.

 

I've found life to be far more peaceful when I authentically don't care, not to be confused with normal human sympathy and empathy, rather not caring more than that for any one individual. Perhaps it's simply a vacation from unhealthily caring too much, IDK. In any event, it's authentic so I go with it. Women and relationships aren't the be-all and end-all of living. A few were nice while they lasted. Life goes on. Would I go back to rekindle an old romance? At this point, no. BTDT. Perhaps it's something to live in an authentic way to process. Hope it works out.

[Gaeta]

When is it ok to try and get someone back ?

 

 

You don't try to get back someone that had a lack of respect toward you. This girl was mean and condescending to you. It's a no-going-back.

[Gaeta]

In both cases the women were very affectionate, and showed a lot of interest then quickly backed off in a big way.

 

It's the name of the game, everyone giving a try at dating go through that, tons and tons of dating stories don't make it past that 6 weeks mark, I have a long collection of them, it's normal. After a few weeks you had time to see into the person's personality and temper and know if it's a match for you. Even less dating stories make it to 3 months and very few will make it to 6 months and 25% will make it long term.

 

When it does not work you go on and try again till it works.

[mightycpa]

The funny thing about this is that some people say the opposite and it depends how much was invested and how much effort was exhausted. The question becomes....

 

When is it ok to try and get someone back ?

 

I don't think you should always have that 'next' attitude every time something goes wrong. I do understand trying to keep your dignity and not making a fool out of yourself but sometimes you take risks...no?

 

Well, it is always about risk, isn't it? Even if somebody adores you today, there is no telling about tomorrow.

 

So for me, no. It's not about risk/reward... it is about I don't want to convince anybody to like/love me. I need that desire to come from her, not because I created a nice powerpoint presentation that extolls all my wonderful virtues, but because this completely is her desire. That she's in it freely and because she wants to be there. I'm not going to try to sway how somebody feels other than by my behavior towards them. I'll give love, but only to willing recipients.

 

Now, that said, if you want to keep the lines of communication open for a while, then that's OK, as long as you can deal with whatever level of rejection you're getting. But if someone started heading for the door, I pretty much held it open for them. That's what worked for me.

[bohica]

You don't try to get back someone that had a lack of respect toward you. This girl was mean and condescending to you. It's a no-going-back.

 

 

Well yes, the most recent was a little mean and condescending. As mightycpa put it I saw her walking towards the door and I held it open.

 

In my case though I didn't just walk to the door. I questioned her intentions and I questioned her interest by expressing that to her which I think turned her off more. In any case, I think It was something good and then she looked for something bad and found it.

 

A friend did say however, that maybe there were other things going on with this girl and that it really has nothing to do with me at all AND/OR there are things going on with me that made me look for red flags as well.

 

Just trying to figure out the whole dating thing all over again. I'm trying to improve. In all honestly, I don't think I'm totally not to blame for my last two experiences and it could have been better. My friends say I just need to pretend I don't care more instead of getting worked up. I say it doesn't matter in the end. If it's going to work it will work and eventually something will stick no matter what I am like.

Edited February 20, 2015 by bohica

[Gaeta]

 

In my case though I didn't just walk to the door. I questioned her intentions and I questioned her interest by expressing that to her which I think turned her off more. In any case, I think It was something good and then she looked for something bad and found it.

 

When someone will genuinely like you nothing trivial will weaken their desire to get to know you. Maybe she had other contacts, maybe she grew more interested into someone else and that is why her interest in you shifted. Could be several reasons but bottom line is her interest faded, she was rude and condescending toward you and that type of treatment cannot be salvaged.

 

I am the type of person that is uncensored. Since I past my mid-40s if something bothers me I say it. I refuse to bottle up anything inside. I speak my mind always in a respectful manner. If I mention to a man I feel a change in him and he bails than him and I weren't meant. Simple as that. The world is full of men and I am not gonna run out of men to date. Same for you. She is not the last lady available to date.

[bohica]

I am the type of person that is uncensored. Since I past my mid-40s if something bothers me I say it. I refuse to bottle up anything inside. I speak my mind always in a respectful manner. If I mention to a man I feel a change in him and he bails than him and I weren't meant. Simple as that. The world is full of men and I am not gonna run out of men to date. Same for you. She is not the last lady available to date.

 

 

Ok. So if something bothers you, you will speak your mind. That's fine. Me too. As long as you don't bottle it up, let it fester and then lose interest. Particularly if it's something so trivial.

[so gutted]

I am trying to pretend I dont care but i do.

 

Its a hard art to master.

[bohica]

And BTW: I am guilty of being someone that once something gets into my head I allow it it effect me. I kind of freak out in my head. As You ,Gaeta, know from my past posts. I think I can get guarded quick because It's happen before after I've put myself out there and I don't want to be the fool anymore. It's a little sabotage. Next person I meet and date I need to relax a little though.

[Gaeta]

And BTW: I am guilty of being someone that once something gets into my head I allow it it effect me. I kind of freak out in my head. As You ,Gaeta, know from my past posts. I think I can get guarded quick because It's happen before after I've put myself out there and I don't want to be the fool anymore. It's a little sabotage. Next person I meet and date I need to relax a little though.

 

You need to learn the art of letting go.

 

Anxiety is the stress of worrying about the future. Something you have very little control over.

 

I suggest reading : The Buddha in your Mirror. It's a small book but a good read.

 

If you like reading and aren't afraid of going through a brick I suggest The Giant Within from Anthony Robbins. That book made me do a complete turn around on how I perceive life.

[Gary S]

This is reality, not the fantasy world of TV and movies. If you try to rekindle a relationship which crashed and burned in the past, the same thing will happen again... because from a romantic standpoint, you two are the same people and the same problems will be there to be rediscovered. You'll just break up all over again.

 

What are the chances that if it did not work the first time, it would work again? The chances are low. If you think about it, this is just common sense.

 

What you have to do is start with a new low-maintenance lady, a clean slate, and not screw it up this time.

 

No, you can't go back and rekindle a failed relationship. We call them breakups because they are broken.

[bohica]

You need to learn the art of letting go.

 

Anxiety is the stress of worrying about the future. Something you have very little control over.

 

I suggest reading : The Buddha in your Mirror. It's a small book but a good read.

 

If you like reading and aren't afraid of going through a brick I suggest The Giant Within from Anthony Robbins. That book made me do a complete turn around on how I perceive life.

 

 

Yes, I need to get better at the letting go part. Once something ends I need to get better at moving on and not letting it weigh me down or having me do things I may regret. Like chasing someone that doesn't want to be chased or has no interest, letting it go too long. I think a lot of us who have been hurt do that.

 

BUT....I think you may be misunderstanding me. I'm talking about while I'm dating someone or while I'm in a relationship. If something happens or at the very hint something is off kilter it gets in my head. I change too. It becomes sabotage.

[Gaeta]

BUT....I think you may be misunderstanding me. I'm talking about while I'm dating someone or while I'm in a relationship. If something happens or at the very hint something is off kilter it gets in my head. I change too. It becomes sabotage.

 

It's the same type of letting go. You cannot make someone be attentive to you or convince them to be more invested in you.

 

I am not talking about something big but all those little things that you get bogged down on. Let it go. The girl is distant since a couple of days? Let it go. She doesn't text as often? let it go. Let life unfold as it meant to. Let people show you who they really are. If it's a banality the girl will get back to herself, if it's a lack of interest she'll be gone in no time.

[bohica]

It's the same type of letting go. You cannot make someone be attentive to you or convince them to be more invested in you.

 

I am not talking about something big but all those little things that you get bogged down on. Let it go. The girl is distant since a couple of days? Let it go. She doesn't text as often? let it go. Let life unfold as it meant to. Let people show you who they really are. If it's a banality the girl will get back to herself, if it's a lack of interest she'll be gone in no time.

 

Oh...

I think your say don't let these little things bother me so much. Let it slide....be more chill about it...I'm taking your let it go to a different level....

 

You hit a point. Say in this case or my previous experience it was a banality? Then I screwed it up by over reacting. Then again, how long am I suppose to wait and I hate walking on egg shells wondering or guessing...both cases I felt that way, both cased I felt I had patience but in reality it was only a week and a half or so and in both cases I was accused of being impatient. I think myself and the last girl are the same in a lot of ways with this stuff...

[Gaeta]

Oh...

You hit a point. Say in this case or my previous experience it was a banality? Then I screwed it up by over reacting. Then again, how long am I suppose to wait and I hate walking on egg shells wondering or guessing...

 

I don't think you screwed anything. I think you just accelerated the inevitable. She had already checked out of dating you and was probably interested in someone else.

 

You concentrated too much on her and her every move because she was the only one you were dating. If you had spread your attention to other prospect you would not have noticed her lack of attention and within 2-3 weeks she would have faded away.

 

People can't pretend for long a couple of weeks at the most.