jonw Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I'm 31, she's 27, we've been together 7 years. I'm from UK and she's from NZ. We've lived in each others countries for a few years each and now live in Australia. The first few years were great and we were madly in love and then in about the 4th year the feelings started fading, I became less attracted to her, didn't think of her as much when we weren't together or look forward to seeing her as much. There would be periods of this, then good again for a while, and then back to this. 18 months ago i went home for a month and barely missed her at all, after much deliberation I decided the relationship had run its course and went back with the intention of ending it. However when I got back it was great to see her again and we talked it all over and decided to stay together and try harder to make it work. It was better for a while but then my feelings for her faded again and it went back to a sort of numbness. We never really argue much and have always got on great as friends but it's at the stage now where it feels like we're best friends who live and sleep together and sometimes have sex. This doesn't sound too bad I know but there's something missing. There's been a couple of times in the last year where she's talked about ending it and as soon as that happens I suddenly fall madly in love with her again and will be hugely attracted to her as if it was out first year together. This would last for a few weeks but then as soon as I felt like I'd won her back it would fade away to numbness. Were it not for me madly falling for her again when she suggested breaking up I would probably have agreed it was the right thing to do but that feeling was so good it made me determined to make it work. Now its back to feeling so so about it all and my heart just isn't quite in it. I feel really bad that I'm messing her around like this. I still really care for her, I just can't decide whether I truly love her. Are my real feelings those that come out when I feel the relationship is threatened or are they just some instinctive reaction and actually the true love needed for a healthy relationship is long gone? Part of me wants to break up now, let her find someone who'll make her happy the whole time and go and enjoy myself more whilst I'm still relatively young (I think I crave excitement which is part of the problem). However the other part is worried that she is the perfect girl for me and that I just need to stop taking her for granted. We're best fiends, rarely argue, have the same tastes in friends/activities/politics etc. If we did break up I might end up in exactly the same situation after a few years with my next partner and she might not be nearly as perfect for me as my current one. On the other hand, neither of us has been nearly as happy as we can be for the last 2 years and I find it really hard to get excited about our future together. This is the constant monologue running around my head which is increasing in frequency each day. Please help!
SycamoreCircle Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 (I think I crave excitement which is part of the problem). Ding ding ding. Fact: She is really good for you. Fact: You've never sowed your oats. Fact: This will keep gnawing at you until you sow your oats. Fact: Once you sow your oats, you'll miss your great girlfriend. Fact: She will have moved on. Fact: You'll feel like crap. Fact: All of this must happen. There's no avoiding it. 1
Gloria25 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I'm wondering if you're basing the value of your relationship on "feeeelings" and/or "emotions" cuz those two things come and go you know.... Not every day you're gonna feeeeel great. After a while things are gonna get mundane, routine, and down right boring. And, when this happens, some people sit around waiting for the feeeeeling to come when that's not how it works. Often our actions generate feelings. So, if you're feeling bored, try picking up a new hobby, how 'bout doing something "random" with your gf (ie surprise her with flowers and tickets to a show). Get my drift? I mean, you said you two have lots in common nothing about you two has drastically changed (ie depression, drugs, stop contributing to the RL)? Then if that's the case, this is just a lull in the RL that you need to learn how to handle.
preraph Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 It sounds like there is pleny of opportunity for taking a month or two break to see how that feels without rocking the boat too much. Also, some people have one or two relationships that are just never black and white, but they may last off and on for a lifetime and be very good friendships. Maybe at some time they were lovers but each went their separate ways but always comes back together as friends or more inbetween. There are many unconventional relationships. Just because one is not strictly conventional, culminating in marriage and children shouldn't lessen its import or make you completely abandon it. Maybe you're getting cabin fever when you are together. Maybe one of you needs a second job so you're not under each other's feet all the time. Maybe you need to live in the same town but not under the same roof for a while. Talk it out with her. See what her take on it is. Good luck.
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