Moominsimpson Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I started seeing a work colleague a year ago next Monday. My word did we fall hard. Exactly the same sense of humour, intense physical attraction, similar intelligence and interest in current affairs, very similar personalities etc. We fell hard in love, and I was as happy as I had ever been. My friends all saw it. Many of my work colleagues had only ever seen me as a surly 'bachelor', and were amazed at the difference. But as with intense relationships, there was arguing, and never over the normal sorts of things. But overall, we were happy. We booked our first holiday together, and after 6 months, due to her housemate moving out, I moved in. We even got cats! We are both 30. I basically immediately felt trapped, immediately panicked at the occasional baby murmurs, and we started arguing more. Rather than address my concerns and talk, I ended the relationship. It was stupid, because I just missed her. I went crawling back, and luckily, she was forgiving. We have since broken up 3 more times, although for different reasons, but each following an argument over something ridiculous. Whilst I have left every time, it is her house, and she has done the 'breaking up' twice, although it is me that has left, admittedly. That doesn't mean that when she says "you've left me four times", Whilst technically true, it doesn't hurt like hell. The fourth time, Friday last week, came about following her having a night out whilst I was sick at home. Aggrieved that she hadn't checked in to see how I was, I unfortunately created an argument. It ended with break up #4. She met a guy on that night out, who the next day found her, contacted her, and they arranged a date on Wednesday. He's a friend of one of her friends. This has destroyed me. We hadn't had a chance to talk, clear the air, to see if #4 really was the end. After a year of us, she was on a date with someone 4 days after a break up. After the initial anger, I broke. I cried so much last night. It was like everything had become so final. It had never felt like that before. I missed work today. I didn't want to go in and overhear her talking about it. We've been in contact, but she is quite cold, where just a couple of days ago (after the date had been arranged, but before I knew about it), she was flirtatious, caring and loving. I just don't know what to do. I want to try and win her back, but fear that the damage has been done. She claims that I am the one she loves, but that she needs to date other men, just to feel wanted. But I want her so badly. I just don't know where to go from here. ------- Apologies for rambling. Apologies for just turning up on the forum and posting about me. I promise to stay and look around, just in case I have any pearls of wisdom!
seminoles84 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Do you still live together? Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship with all the breaking up and making up in such a short period of time.
Author Moominsimpson Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Hey Seminoles, Thanks for the response. We don't live together at the mo. Previously I have moved back into my parents place or stayed with friends, then Moved back in with her when we 'renew'. I previously suggested that we live separately, as we moved in together quite quickly (after 5 months), but she felt this was a backward step. As such, I am looking for a new place for just me, which if we did manage to get back together, I hope she would see as an opportunity to miss each other, hopefully minimising future disagreements. But it's the getting back together bit that worries me. I guess I want to take the steps to improve, but a) she needs to too, and b) she needs to believe that we can.
todreaminblue Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Did you get tired of the drama? I feel that she probably did.....having disagreements in relationships can actually be healthy...because you can learn a different point of view......learn the other persons communication style and learn how to come to satisfying resolutions together....but......if you are breaking up over an argument that is petty all the time then thats...not growth......its the end of the end.....its drama and its unnecessary...to me...if you care about someone you make it work and you dont say the words "lets end it"..and then get back together......shows to me signs of immaturity......you end it and its final......you move on or up or away.....do what you need to do to heal.......if you ask for time and space....you make it hours not days......you never let the sun go down on an argument......you finish the argument and wake to a new day........ to me i am sorry to say ...she is taking steps to move on......whether or not it will work with the new guy is another question....its definitely a rebound......she is cold towards you....dont contact her...theres nothing worse than contacting someone who doesnt care for you like you care for them..... someone who ignores an outstretched hand in my book is not a person i would wish to contact i would dread reaching out to the point i would refuse to put my hand out there.....i am no whipped dog.........or would I think highly of ignorant self serving behavior exhibited by cold replies or non answers.....i feel the damage has been done...the more you contact her the more scars that will be on you....not on her.....she doesnt care ..... you must try to move on and not think about her so much...occupy yourself with good friends and things you enjoy doing.......there is no fixing this unless it comes from her....and if i were you ...i would consider carefully and thoughtfully whether it is the drama you crave...drama gets old quickly...and it isnt a way to live a life.......not if you care for someone and more importantly care for yourself....sometimes the kindest thing to do for you....is to let go.......if she comes back.....then think about what you are going to do differently and be honest in all your conversations with her.....best wishes.......deb 1
Author Moominsimpson Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Hi Deb Thanks for the detailed response. I hate confrontation. I like talking things through, but I can be stubborn. She is equally stubborn, and much less bothered by confrontation. I guess I just hope that at some point, we both find a way to relax our pride a little. Arguments happen, but without progression and positive resolution, they simply create disharmony and bitterness. I had always hoped we'd sort that part of the relationship out. And were we to try again, we would have to do something about that. As for contact, she contacts me as well, but she seems to almost ignore the issue, focusing on tv programmes or inviting me to play word games. I want that to be the olive branch, but rationally, it may just be her way of trying to minimise my upset, whilst also minimising the commitment to working on our relationship. Thanks again for the reply Deb. Some great wisdom in there. 1
BrokenShades Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I read an article today, written by a psychologist... I think it was on Yahoo News (nothing really of quality, but it made an interesting point). It claimed that the number one predictor of a relationship failing is whether you're able to argue constructively with your partner. Debating so that you can get your needs met/feelings validated is healthy in a relationship, and leads to growth. Arguing against, rather than with your partner (to a constructive end) isn't healthy. It sounds like you both have a bit of emotional maturation that needs to happen. If you want your ex back, let her know, but don't be too pushy. Call her, send a text or email and apologize for your behavior. Let her know why it was wrong and what you're going to do to correct it. Do this once. If she is receptive great. If not, let her know you're here, but that you're going to give her her space. Then give her that space. You may reconcile you may not. Before you do any of this though... as yourself, do you argue and break up so frequently because you're a bad match / have poor dynamics, or do you break often because you both need to hone your interpersonal relationship communication skills? If the former, just walk away. If the later, put in the effort. Good luck 3
mightycpa Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Sometimes, it's just too hard. Not every love affair is worth the effort it takes to keep it working. Contrary to popular opinion, you shouldn't have to work every damn day.
Author Moominsimpson Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 Mightycpa, and Brokenshades, thank you for your thoughts. It's good to get these things down on a 'page', and to hear the thoughts of others. We argue badly. Maybe I'm a little over sensitive sometimes. I'm not talking wet. Using the previous example, I was at my parents home ill, whilst she was out, and I was upset that she hadn't checked in to see how I was. She takes my concerns as a personal affront, like I'm telling her she is a bad person, when I really just want to feel like she considers me and my feelings occasionally. The fact that she met this guy on that nigh out is a side issue. To answer the question properly Brokenshades, I've always felt we were a good match, so does she, and our friends seem to think so, but it's the arguing that breaks us. We're both too proud, and neither has previously been willing to make adjustments. The whole date thing has just brought the need to change home. I'll leave the communication as you suggest. Cards on the table, then just see what happens. Thanks again. 1
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