thatsnotmyname Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 So, I haven't done much dating. I met my first and only really boyfriend when I was 17 and we spent 5 very miserable years together. My mom is a serial dater/homewrecker and I never wanted to be like her, so I stuck it out with my ex because I was determined to spend forever with this guy. Obviously, that's not a good reason to stay with someone, or even a healthy way of thinking. I finally ended it at the first of the year and some drunken revelations from him on New Years Eve. I haven't tried to go on any dates since my breakup. Mostly just because I have no clue how to meet guys in my daily life, and don't care for the bar scene. Also, I have zero dating experience. Let's suffice to say that I was pretty awkward in high school and my ex swept me up as soon as I started to come into my own. So, I met a guy on Valentine's Day at the Mardi Gras parade. It's Mardi Gras, and I was in the parade so I had been drinking free beer all day, and probably wasn't making rational decisions. This very handsome guy starts talking to me, and we really hit it off. I liked him. A lot. When the parade ended we decided to take ourselves to a bar close by and continue the conversation. Long story short, we slept together. The next morning, as he's taking me back to my car (is it worth a mention that I cut the morning short? I looked and felt like absolute crap and really just wanted to go home and brush my teeth.) anyway, he asks for my phone number and I give it to him. Conversation isn't lively during the car ride because I'm hung over, the sun is blinding me, and I kind of feel like a massive whore. He was very nice though, and even wanted to kiss me when he dropped me off at my car (I discouraged it, because my breath was atrocious, but gave in.) He called me immediately to make sure I could find my way back to the interstate, but I already had my gps hooked up so I ignored the call. I called him back when I made it home and let him know that (1) yes I made it home safety (2) sorry I ignored his call, but I was driving (3) and I was getting in the shower and would talk to him later. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. I ended up texting him around 7pm to ask how his day went, but he didn't text back until 9 am the next day. Claims he fell asleep early and didn't want to wake me when he finally checked his phone in the middle of the night. Then he sent me like 5 texts in a row with a very detailed account of the baseball game he attended and basically everything he did. We talked casually about his day, my day, baseball, etc. Until about 12:30 and then he just disappeared. I figured he was busy and didn't text again. My birthday was the next day, a Tuesday, and he posted to my facebook wall. This is when I started I kind of wonder, because he has my freaking phone number, but he chooses to wish me happy birthday in a very impersonal kind of way. I let it go, because it's my birthday and I'm not ruining my day by stressing over him, but the next day I decide to text him. I'm feeling a little bitter when I do, and basically say that it would have been nice if he could have skipped sharing his life story and leading me to believe he's interested in me if he was only looking for a one night stand. I mean, why let me know you have kids and tell me all about them if I'll never see you again? Maybe it was just the alcohol talking, but it seemed to me like he was going for more than just a hookup. Anyway, I sent him this very bitter message at 8am (because I like to be bitchy as I drink my coffee) and figured that was the end of it. Not so! He texted me around 1:30 and just blew my phone up. He's so sorry, he's just been busy, he doesn't have the money to take me out and didn't think is want to just hang out at his house, he's not a big fan of texting, he really likes me and is extremely interested in me. Then he said that he was still figuring himself out because he went through a divorce recently (I knew about the divorce since he aired his dirty laundry the night we met, but he made it seem like he was over it.) so I simply said not to worry about it, that I was feeling a little bitter and he obviously has a lot going on so he should focus on himself for now, but it was nice meeting him. He called me immediately. I was at work so I really couldn't talk, told him the facebook thing upset me, but I couldn't really talk and I hung up. I didn't hear from him after that. A few hours later, I was feeling bad for hanging up and being so short with him, so I texted him and let him know that if he still wanted to talk about it, he could call me tomorrow evening (which is today.) he hasn't texted back to confirm that he will, and it's too early to tell if he'll actually call. Anyway, I just want to know if I should even pursue this. He seemed to really like me when he frantically texted me and called me after my text on Wednesday, but I really don't know. I have no clue what I'm doing.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Yes it was a one night stand - an alcohol fueled one at that. I think he's just being wishy washy with you - I wouldn't hold too much in store for this guy. As far as him being personal with you - mostly the alcohol talking most likely. I would try and date other people. Do you want your first time meeting each other to be remembered as "We got drunk on Mardi Gras, banged each others' brains out, and then said goodbye the next day and we weren't sure if it was a one night stand?" Lol. If you're having trouble meeting people in real life - try online dating. I've tried POF OKCupid and Match and so far Match is working out pretty well for me.
clia Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) I think you need to stop pursuing him and give him a chance to pursue you. Something may or may not come out of this; it's too soon to tell. However, sending bitter messages isn't a great way to make a guy interested in you. My comments: The next morning, as he's taking me back to my car (is it worth a mention that I cut the morning short? I looked and felt like absolute crap and really just wanted to go home and brush my teeth.) anyway, he asks for my phone number and I give it to him. Good sign that he asked for your phone number. Conversation isn't lively during the car ride because I'm hung over, the sun is blinding me, and I kind of feel like a massive whore. He was very nice though, and even wanted to kiss me when he dropped me off at my car (I discouraged it, because my breath was atrocious, but gave in.) Good sign that he wanted to kiss you. He called me immediately to make sure I could find my way back to the interstate, but I already had my gps hooked up so I ignored the call. Good sign. He was concerned about you. But he hasn't asked when he can see you again. I called him back when I made it home and let him know that (1) yes I made it home safety (2) sorry I ignored his call, but I was driving (3) and I was getting in the shower and would talk to him later. Okay, fine. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. I ended up texting him around 7pm to ask how his day went, but he didn't text back until 9 am the next day. Claims he fell asleep early and didn't want to wake me when he finally checked his phone in the middle of the night. Then he sent me like 5 texts in a row with a very detailed account of the baseball game he attended and basically everything he did. Now the tables are starting to turn. I wouldn't have texted him that night; I would've waited to hear from him. We talked casually about his day, my day, baseball, etc. Until about 12:30 and then he just disappeared. I figured he was busy and didn't text again. Good. My birthday was the next day, a Tuesday, and he posted to my facebook wall. This is when I started I kind of wonder, because he has my freaking phone number, but he chooses to wish me happy birthday in a very impersonal kind of way. On the positive side, he did wish you happy birthday. He's only known you for three days. On the negative side, that's all you heard from him. I don't blame you for feeling a little upset that he didn't do more, but he really doesn't owe you anything at this point. I let it go, because it's my birthday and I'm not ruining my day by stressing over him, but the next day I decide to text him. I'm feeling a little bitter when I do, and basically say that it would have been nice if he could have skipped sharing his life story and leading me to believe he's interested in me if he was only looking for a one night stand. I mean, why let me know you have kids and tell me all about them if I'll never see you again? Maybe it was just the alcohol talking, but it seemed to me like he was going for more than just a hookup. Anyway, I sent him this very bitter message at 8am (because I like to be bitchy as I drink my coffee) and figured that was the end of it. Ugh. Don't do things like this. You've known this guy for four days and met him after a day of drinking. He doesn't owe you anything. Not so! He texted me around 1:30 and just blew my phone up. He's so sorry, he's just been busy, he doesn't have the money to take me out and didn't think is want to just hang out at his house, he's not a big fan of texting, he really likes me and is extremely interested in me. Then he said that he was still figuring himself out because he went through a divorce recently (I knew about the divorce since he aired his dirty laundry the night we met, but he made it seem like he was over it.) so I simply said not to worry about it, that I was feeling a little bitter and he obviously has a lot going on so he should focus on himself for now, but it was nice meeting him. He called me immediately. I was at work so I really couldn't talk, told him the facebook thing upset me, but I couldn't really talk and I hung up. This is just so much drama. Would you want to deal with all this drama with a person you met four days ago? I wouldn't. If I were a guy, I would move on and try to find a girl who is laid back and light and breezy and fun. Not sending me bitter text messages. I didn't hear from him after that. A few hours later, I was feeling bad for hanging up and being so short with him, so I texted him and let him know that if he still wanted to talk about it, he could call me tomorrow evening (which is today.) he hasn't texted back to confirm that he will, and it's too early to tell if he'll actually call. I wouldn't count on him calling. If he does, I really think you should not be complaining to him about his Facebook message. I actually think you should apologize and try to move on as quickly as possible from this. No more drama. Edited February 19, 2015 by clia 2
Zzyxx Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 So during all this texting did he try to ask you out again or try and see you in person? Also, just a tip, and please don't take this the wrong way, but if you intend to date you really need to relax about the birthday thing. You don't even know this guy, and he doesn't really owe you anything. He even wished you a happy birthday, just not in the medium you wanted. Your behavior about that would scare away most rationally healthy adults (unless there was a part of the story I didn't see). If you talk to him again and if you're actually interested in him I would apologize and see if he wants to go out again. Also I would try to learn to let these small things go when you've only met the person once or twice, but dating really is a journey and figuring out what works for you Good luck!
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Yeah I agree with the above posters... The guy seems respectable, but it WAS a one night stand and he doesn't owe you anything. You're coming on very strong and you're probably scaring him away =P
Gary S Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 So during all this texting did he try to ask you out again or try and see you in person? Also, just a tip, and please don't take this the wrong way, but if you intend to date you really need to relax about the birthday thing. You don't even know this guy, and he doesn't really owe you anything. He even wished you a happy birthday, just not in the medium you wanted. Your behavior about that would scare away most rationally healthy adults (unless there was a part of the story I didn't see). If you talk to him again and if you're actually interested in him I would apologize and see if he wants to go out again. Also I would try to learn to let these small things go when you've only met the person once or twice, but dating really is a journey and figuring out what works for you Good luck! - what he said... try to calm down, you barely know this guy. You don't want to act crazy or mean and scare him off. Stop scaring the tourists! Give him a week to call and ask you out again. Relax! Breathe! I also have to add, that if he is talking a lot about his ex, he might be on the rebound, and not ready for a new girlfriend yet. You don't even have a foundation for a relationship for at least two months. Only fools rush in.
Author thatsnotmyname Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Having it broken down that way, I do seem kind of insane. Ugh. As for the facebook/birthday thing: I just don't get why he would post to my facebook wall when he has my phone number and could have texted that to me. It's less about it being my birthday, and more about him just not communicating with me at all. Also, why would he blow up my phone and send all of those (kind of alarmingly desperate) messages about how he really likes me and he didn't mean to make me feel like he's not interested because he really is and All that crap if he isn't interested. I feel like HE came on kind of strong, which was really overwhelming after all the radio silence. When he called me at work, it was kind of stressful. I also agree that this is a lot of drama. In my defense, sent 1 bitter message, and all I said was that I felt mislead, and he shared a lot of stuff with me that people don't normally share with a one night stand. I didn't say the kids part, that's something I was thinking. Yes, my message was bitter, but I didn't harass the guy. Literally 1 message. Good point about the "how we met" story. Oh well. Lessons learned, I suppose. I guess I'm mostly feeling bitter because I slept with the guy, and I kind of feel like some kind of explanation is owed after being so intimate.
Zzyxx Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Having it broken down that way, I do seem kind of insane. Ugh. I guess I'm mostly feeling bitter because I slept with the guy, and I kind of feel like some kind of explanation is owed after being so intimate. I think it's just coming down to a lack of dating experience, which you'll acquire in time, because I'm not really sure what you think a guy you've known for four days owes you, and he's given you a lot more than most one night stands would. You were both consenting adults that slept together, and most one night stands end there, without any further expectations, which is what makes them one night stands. Other than maybe not asking you out again, which he actually explained, he's expressed a lot of interest in you by normal dating standards. If anything he is an exception, because most adults wouldn't bother going through all this for someone they met once over a four day period. Again, this isn't a criticism of you as a person or anything, I'm just saying that it's not really normal to expect so much from someone you don't know under these circumstances, but again that is something you will only realize through experience. Think of this as your first practcal lesson in dating 101
Erised Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 . I'm feeling a little bitter when I do, and basically say that it would have been nice if he could have skipped sharing his life story and leading me to believe he's interested in me if he was only looking for a one night stand.. I'm surprised he showed interest after this. Even were I interested in someone, something like this would put me waaaaaaaayyyy off. So even if it wasn't a one night stand (and his actions didn't seem consistent) - it probably became one. 1
Satu Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 If you dive into bed with a complete stranger, what do they owe you? Or you them? Nothing, really. Its Russian Roulette sex. 1
losangelena Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) I guess I'm mostly feeling bitter because I slept with the guy, and I kind of feel like some kind of explanation is owed after being so intimate. Explanation from whom? You're an adult—you didn't need to jump into bed with him. Own your actions. It's not like you sat him down after four dates and an STD test to suss out his relationship intentions. You met him, drunkenly, at a Mardi Gras parade. In all my experience dating, I no longer expect much of an explanation for anything. My FWB of three months just disappeared out of the blue last year with nary a word. Nothing surprises me anymore. But you don't take it out on the guy. Instead, you ask yourself what you can do differently next time to avoid having bitter feelings. If you know you can't handle NSA sex, then don't have it. Don't expect that just because some guy slept with you, that he's going to think he owes you anything. Edited February 19, 2015 by losangelena 4
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Having it broken down that way, I do seem kind of insane. Ugh. As for the facebook/birthday thing: I just don't get why he would post to my facebook wall when he has my phone number and could have texted that to me. It's less about it being my birthday, and more about him just not communicating with me at all. Also, why would he blow up my phone and send all of those (kind of alarmingly desperate) messages about how he really likes me and he didn't mean to make me feel like he's not interested because he really is and All that crap if he isn't interested. I feel like HE came on kind of strong, which was really overwhelming after all the radio silence. When he called me at work, it was kind of stressful. I also agree that this is a lot of drama. In my defense, sent 1 bitter message, and all I said was that I felt mislead, and he shared a lot of stuff with me that people don't normally share with a one night stand. I didn't say the kids part, that's something I was thinking. Yes, my message was bitter, but I didn't harass the guy. Literally 1 message. Good point about the "how we met" story. Oh well. Lessons learned, I suppose. I guess I'm mostly feeling bitter because I slept with the guy, and I kind of feel like some kind of explanation is owed after being so intimate. Not really, no. He doesn't owe you anything - what do you expect from a stranger? I mean that as a sincere question. What did you want to hear from him? Explanation for what? He probably didn't message you on your phone precisely because he doesn't want to give you the impression that this was more than a casual hookup. People say all kind of things when they're drunk; it unforunately doesn't indicate a particular level of intimacy. I don't think it's wrong to have one-night stands, as long as the expectations are clear and you are able to do so without attaching too much importance to the person. As another poster said, own your actions too.
Buddhist Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Anyway, I just want to know if I should even pursue this. He seemed to really like me when he frantically texted me and called me after my text on Wednesday, but I really don't know. I have no clue what I'm doing. Yeah he does really like you, guys that are going to blow you off, don't walk you to your car, kiss you goodbye or ask for your number. Hell, they don't even wake up when you leave. But you need to chill the **** out. Guy's are in general not good txters, give up the txting anyway as most of the time it just becomes an impediment to the relationship. You both start obssessing over hours, mins and secs between txts. Txting is a **** way to communicate so just don't. You want to talk, call and talk. My advice? Leave him alone for a few days, work on your own insecurities. If he calls, pick up the phone and have a conversation, be nice. Right now you are shouting out to the world that you feel insecure and eventually that will kill his attraction to you. 1
mightycpa Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I kind of feel like some kind of explanation is owed after being so intimate. I hate to break it to you, but you weren't intimate. You simply shared a sex act. This is a rather extreme and crude analogy, but animals don't get intimate, right? They just have sex. Same idea. Intimacy is about getting close to someone. You didn't do that, and frankly, it sounds like when you were given the opportunity to explore that possibility the next morning, you shied away from it. I think that girls generally end up on the losing end of these encounters, so nothing new there.
Mrin Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I'm surprised he showed interest after this. Even were I interested in someone, something like this would put me waaaaaaaayyyy off. So even if it wasn't a one night stand (and his actions didn't seem consistent) - it probably became one. Ya I know right. I was thinking the same thing - that's an ender right there
Author thatsnotmyname Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 Okay, I accept that I had very high expectations for him after the fact, and shouldn't have because he didn't owe me anything. Moving on, he actually called me last night, but I was busy and missed his call. I texted him later to let him know and said I'd call him tomorrow. He texted back and said that's fine, and he'd talk to me tomorrow. I know that I need to apologize for going postal and sending that bitter text, and keep things light and breezy from the advice you're all giving. I do appreciate the advice by the way. I guess now I just need to go with the flow and not freak out.
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