dontexpect Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) Hello! I just recently got dumped by my girlfriend of three years. She was my first girlfriend and my first love. I met her back in university. We were just best friends, at first. But I began to secretly liked her as more than a friend. Two years later, she confessed that she apparently had feelings for me and, well, we got together. We had our ups and downs like most couples do. But the thing is, when we fight, it was always very intense. (Now, I realize it must be because we were too dependent on each other). During the course of those three years, we broke up twice. Both times were due to her being unsure about this relationship but we eventually got back together again. This time, we broke up because she needs time and space AND she is also unsure about the relationship again. This time, I did not see this coming. I thought that, after all that we have been through, we were stronger. She even talked about the idea of moving in together (an idea that she used to find repulsive). BUT I started getting clingy and annoying again. She started having more and more crushes of other people. I thought I’d learn to be okay with it. Until, she finally told me that she wanted to break up. She said she does not want to be too dependent on me and that our relationship was unhealthy. I guess, she felt stuck being with me. Anyway, I thought that it was just going to be like last time. She’d take a few days off and then she’ll start talking to me again. But, a few days after, I still had not heard from her. I started going crazy. I have not been eating properly and I have been crying most of the time. I finally broke down and messaged one of her close friends to ask what is really going on. That was really such a stupid, dumb move. And then I could not help but stalk her facebook account since I know her password (how I wish I could forget it!). I saw in her messages (I know, I am so low right now) that she was sort of flirting with one of her crushes and that the friend told her about my message. She knows me so well that she even wrote a message for me in their thread in which she said that she trusted me that I would give her space and that includes not encroaching on her friends. In her eyes, I’m probably the lowest creature right now especially after doing that. It was such a predictable move because I tend to do that (encroaching on her friends) during our past break-ups. (See, how low I can get). Of course, I still read on their conversation like the idiot that I am. She said that she was so happy that her crush messaged her and added her on facebook and stuff like that. She also said that she feels happy to be free. And that statement, ironically, made me feel free too. Or maybe I’m just numb right now. But now I know she is never really going to come back. I am not clinging to any small piece of hope or to any kind of uncertainty anymore. In a way, I am finally able to let her go. Of course, I still feel rejected and sad. I really thought she was endgame. I thought she was finally sure about me. But she never felt the same way about me, at all. I have known her since first year college and it has been two years since we graduated. So, that's like half a decade? She is the only person I could really talk about anything and nothing in particular. That is what I really am going to miss and it will be really hard for me. I still feel like the lowest creature on earth. I still feel so stupid and dumb. But I have no more expectations and I think I have finally let go of my idea of her and really grasp the reality. Truth really sets you free, no matter how painful it might be. So, I'm just letting this out. I will miss her. And maybe I'll still wish for her to change her mind. Maybe all of you out there reading this think I'm stupid but I hope I can ask for support in case I go bat**** crazy again. p.s. i really hope i won't ever log in to her facebook again in my moments of weakness. Edited February 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
jus d'orange Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Hey there, This sounds really rough but familiar. It reminds me of a breakup I had several years ago -- we were very dependent on one another but had a turbulent relationship, and she eventually left me for somebody else. I was so torn up about it and I even did log into her facebook once (and I think she logged into mine as well). Without ever discussing it, we both changed our passwords and put an end to that, all during NC. First of all, I can't tell you how wrong it is to log into her personal accounts. You know this as well, but you did it in a moment of weakness and you'll need to forgive yourself and MAKE SURE it doesn't happen again. If you absolutely cannot guarantee you'll have enough self-control to avoid doing this, then you need to figure out some other way to block your access to the account. Try blocking access to facebook altogether on your browser, or send a password reset thing to her email account by using the "forgot password" function on facebook's login. Secondly, this sounds like it's been a damaging relationship for you. You are blaming yourself, calling yourself the lowest creature on earth. If you can't respect yourself, you absolutely cannot be in a healthy relationship, and I highly recommend you seek professional help i.e. a therapist or counsellor to help you with these issues. Cut all contact with her, block her from social media if necessary, definitely de-friend, unfollow, remove her number from your phone, and prepare for the emotional rollercoaster. If you do this right, you'll make it through a much stronger person, and eventually you'll be able to have a healthier relationship as a result. I had a similar experience, and because of the good advice I got from friends, from a counsellor, and from these boards, I got healthier too. Good luck and please do take this advice to allow yourself to heal. You're right; you are free and need to be free of this relationship now. 2
Author dontexpect Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 Thank you, jus d'orange! Your reply means so much. I have now changed numbers so that I will have no reason to expect that she will contact me. As painful as it is, I want to remove her from my life. Totally. I realize that I don't think we can ever be friends in a casual way. At least, on my part. We did have good times but we were toxic to each other at the same time. How did you get over that girl? Do you have any other tips?
jus d'orange Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I really just got over it by passing time with friends and doing the things I enjoy, trying to think constructively about my habits -- both good and bad, and allowing myself the time to heal. It was difficult; it took a month before I stopped thinking of her constantly and a few months before it stopped making me sad so much. In the end, when a year had passed, I felt completely and totally over it. I know that's a long time but everybody's time scale is different for these things. You'll just need to be patient, but pass the time in such a way that you'll grow healthily as a person.
Situasian Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 OP I know where you are coming from and can relate. My ex and I were very similar to your situation with us being together for 4 years and breaking up a few times and coming back together. I've been broken up with mine since November and what she said before we broke up stuck with me "everytime we break up we always find a way back to each other". In your case I think your doing the right thing you need not check her facebook and other social media you have her on. She is obviously looking for something that she didn't find in you. Go NC and move on because it most likely be that she won't come back as much as that sucks to hear , hopefully one day she will realise what she lost just like my ex will
Author dontexpect Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 I really just got over it by passing time with friends and doing the things I enjoy' date=' trying to think constructively about my habits -- both good and bad, and allowing myself the time to heal. It was difficult; it took a month before I stopped thinking of her constantly and a few months before it stopped making me sad so much. In the end, when a year had passed, I felt completely and totally over it. I know that's a long time but everybody's time scale is different for these things. You'll just need to be patient, but pass the time in such a way that you'll grow healthily as a person.[/quote'] Today was very tough for me. I found myself missing her so much. Like there is this big gaping hole in my life. I pretend to be okay and even happy when I'm around people. When I'm alone, I just break down and cry. I know there are a million things I should be doing like studying for my finals (postgrad studies) but I just can't seem to function. I can't imagine going through this for a month and much less for a year. But I know I can't rush things like this. That tiny sliver hope that she'd somehow contact me keeps resurfacing and I have to constantly remind myself that she won't nor do I really want to know what's going on in her life right now.
Author dontexpect Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 OP I know where you are coming from and can relate. My ex and I were very similar to your situation with us being together for 4 years and breaking up a few times and coming back together. I've been broken up with mine since November and what she said before we broke up stuck with me "everytime we break up we always find a way back to each other". In your case I think your doing the right thing you need not check her facebook and other social media you have her on. She is obviously looking for something that she didn't find in you. Go NC and move on because it most likely be that she won't come back as much as that sucks to hear , hopefully one day she will realise what she lost just like my ex will I'm really sorry to hear about that. How are you now? You are right. She is looking for something that she didn't find in me. And I guess I was also looking for something that she could not give. Maybe she realized that and that's she left. Sometimes I actually wish we never got together and just stayed best friends. But that's never gonna happen. NC is really hard but what I need right now. I wish I could focus on myself and stop thinking about what could have been. So you haven't heard from your ex in the last three months? Im just curious about your story.
Chi townD Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Dude, time to get your life back and the power she has over you. You need to start going NC on her. And that means blocking her on ALL social media. You need to start making positive changes in your life. Like getting a new hairstyle and buying a new wardrobe. Be styling and profiling 24/7. Your self esteem took a massive hit. So, having some say to you, "Damn dude! Looking sharp!" is going to help your self esteem. Get to the gym and run your ass off on the treadmill and push weight. This will help you work off the stress and frustrations you been having AND if you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you'll be working on that rock hard and ripped bod that girls are definitely going to like. Three things in this world a girls can't resist touching puppies, kittens and six pack abs. Then, get new hobbies that are going to keep you busy. With those hobbies, there's usually clubs in your area with people that have a shared interest. JOIN THEM!!! Get out there and meet new people! So, join a cycling club or a running club or co-ed sports or dive lessons. And then, travel! Go see the world! Think of a place that you've always wanted to see. Plan for it and save for it, then go!!! The best revenge you can get is to lead and DAMN good and adventurous life! 1
jus d'orange Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Today was very tough for me. I found myself missing her so much. Like there is this big gaping hole in my life. I pretend to be okay and even happy when I'm around people. When I'm alone, I just break down and cry. I know there are a million things I should be doing like studying for my finals (postgrad studies) but I just can't seem to function. I can't imagine going through this for a month and much less for a year. But I know I can't rush things like this. That tiny sliver hope that she'd somehow contact me keeps resurfacing and I have to constantly remind myself that she won't nor do I really want to know what's going on in her life right now. The short answer is that it'll take as long as it takes. The long answer is that, by being on this board, by going NC, by taking time to realise that NOW is the time to plan out your future as you want it to be and by gaining self-respect and confidence in doing so, you are doing everything you can, and that you will come out of this process better than you've been before. I know it's tough to get studying when you're feeling like this, but psych yourself into it beforehand. Reward yourself afterward. See yourself as this strong person who can handle bad stuff happening to him and yet continues to invest in his future by studying. There will be times where you really, truly can't get out there and do it, but by braving the storm a bit you'll surprise yourself and gain confidence in the process. Keep moving. It will get better. There are better days and worse days, better hours and worse hours, but the longterm trend is better and you're on your way there.
Author dontexpect Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 Dude, time to get your life back and the power she has over you. You need to start going NC on her. And that means blocking her on ALL social media. You need to start making positive changes in your life. Like getting a new hairstyle and buying a new wardrobe. Be styling and profiling 24/7. Your self esteem took a massive hit. So, having some say to you, "Damn dude! Looking sharp!" is going to help your self esteem. Get to the gym and run your ass off on the treadmill and push weight. This will help you work off the stress and frustrations you been having AND if you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you'll be working on that rock hard and ripped bod that girls are definitely going to like. Three things in this world a girls can't resist touching puppies, kittens and six pack abs. Then, get new hobbies that are going to keep you busy. With those hobbies, there's usually clubs in your area with people that have a shared interest. JOIN THEM!!! Get out there and meet new people! So, join a cycling club or a running club or co-ed sports or dive lessons. And then, travel! Go see the world! Think of a place that you've always wanted to see. Plan for it and save for it, then go!!! The best revenge you can get is to lead and DAMN good and adventurous life! You are right. My self esteem is destroyed. I have learned that I should not base my self-worth on any relationship. When she rejected me, I felt so low. I would love to take up running again and focus more on my studies and my career. In short, I have to focus on myself. I don't really want to get even with her or have my revenge on her. I just want to be happy with myself and build my confidence.
Author dontexpect Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 The short answer is that it'll take as long as it takes. The long answer is that, by being on this board, by going NC, by taking time to realise that NOW is the time to plan out your future as you want it to be and by gaining self-respect and confidence in doing so, you are doing everything you can, and that you will come out of this process better than you've been before. I know it's tough to get studying when you're feeling like this, but psych yourself into it beforehand. Reward yourself afterward. See yourself as this strong person who can handle bad stuff happening to him and yet continues to invest in his future by studying. There will be times where you really, truly can't get out there and do it, but by braving the storm a bit you'll surprise yourself and gain confidence in the process. Keep moving. It will get better. There are better days and worse days, better hours and worse hours, but the longterm trend is better and you're on your way there. Being on this board has really helped me get through some of the tough times I had in these early days post breakup. I know I'm far from getting over her and there is no short cut. Like you said, I have to brave this storm. Thank you for your support and thank you to everyone here as well. It is comforting to know that there are people who are going through a similar experience and people who have been through this and survived. I hope I can still turn to this site when it gets tough (like right now).
Jerseyguyy Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Best sentence out ya post.. " Truth really sets you free, no matter how painful it might be. " Best thing for guys like us is seeing the truth. Once she said she had crushes you shoulda already been gone with the wind. Revert to my story to see how similiar are stories are. LEAVE HER ALONE cuz it smells like she will come back, shes no good. My ex went as far as saying to get her preg an she wanted to get married a few weeks prior to her leaving me. For what was another man. I find that disgusting.. ONE RED FLAG is all u need. You gon get through this brother!
Author dontexpect Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 Best sentence out ya post.. " Truth really sets you free, no matter how painful it might be. " Best thing for guys like us is seeing the truth. Once she said she had crushes you shoulda already been gone with the wind. Revert to my story to see how similiar are stories are. LEAVE HER ALONE cuz it smells like she will come back, shes no good. My ex went as far as saying to get her preg an she wanted to get married a few weeks prior to her leaving me. For what was another man. I find that disgusting.. ONE RED FLAG is all u need. You gon get through this brother! Hi. I'm actually not a guy. I'm a girl. Um. I don't think she's coming back because I'm pretty sure she is enjoying her freedom right now. She is a very liberal-minded person. She doesn't like to be conventional. She once sort of convinced me to be in an open relationship with her. I wanted so badly to keep her and it seemed like that was the only way. So I agreed. She was sort of pursuing this other girl she met on online. (They never did meet up.) I found out that I could not handle being in that kind of relationship. As much as I want to be liberal, I'm really more of a conventional type of person when it comes to being in a relationship. And I'm a jealous type (something i need to work on). I love being with just one person. We reconciled after awhile. She told me she would always have a wandering eye. She's not going to be unfaithful but she'll stray once in awhile. I thought I was okay with it. She even told me that I got better with handling my jealousy. Anyway, in the end, she probably felt so suffocated to be with me. She wants to be free. So, I'll have to let her go. Perhaps there is someone out there who wants to truly be with me but for now I have to focus on myself because I do have a lot of issues to resolve.
Jerseyguyy Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Sorry i didnt know you we're a woman. My apologies lol. But regardless you deserve better. " im not gonna be unfaithful but i might stray once in a while" Thats only means one thing, shes UNFAITHFUL.. Shes basically playing with you because she knows she has you on a string. You ABSOLUTELY deserve better. Somebody out there will DEF want someone as traditional an down to earth as you. Thats all i wanted and thought i had then bam!! Just focus on yaself an when you least expect it they'll come..
Author dontexpect Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 Sorry i didnt know you we're a woman. My apologies lol. But regardless you deserve better. " im not gonna be unfaithful but i might stray once in a while" Thats only means one thing, shes UNFAITHFUL.. Shes basically playing with you because she knows she has you on a string. You ABSOLUTELY deserve better. Somebody out there will DEF want someone as traditional an down to earth as you. Thats all i wanted and thought i had then bam!! Just focus on yaself an when you least expect it they'll come.. Thank you! It is getting easier. But there are still moments when I feel so sad.
Author dontexpect Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 I need your perspective. I changed my number in the hopes that it will be easier for me to move on. It honestly felt like a heavy weight has lifted. But I'm sort of regretting that decision. Is it an act of cowardice or weakness to change numbers? If she ever did realize that I changed my number, would she think I never valued our friendship? I'm thinking that she had her reasons to break up with me and I hope she could understand that I had to do this. My head tells me to keep moving forward and not look back. And that if she really really want to get in touch with me then there are other ways aside from the phone (email, fb message, face to face because she does know where I live). I know she is a very proud person so if I'm not conveniently available to her anymore, them she would probably just let it go. I don't know. I'm so confused right now.
Author dontexpect Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 I have this overwhelming urge to password stalk (if that's what it's called) her facebook and other social media account. I am resisting it. I feel so sad and alone right now. I actually wish she would miss me but I know that's not the case. I have to believe that. I guess this is one of the worse days. I am going to post here because I don't have anyone I could talk to right now. I should probably get out of the house and go somewhere else but I have to sort out a paper first and I cannot concentrate. Why does this have to be so hard. I wish I have a switch so that I can just turn this off and not feel a thing. (( I feel like crying but I've cried too much in the past few days. It's like all the tears have dried up and all that's left is this aching feeling in my heart.
mightycpa Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 your only weakness is in the doubt. you might consider whether she's thinking about you at all even if she is, it is no longer your job to worry what she thinks I know it's hard, but plenty of people around here will tell you the exact same thing
Author dontexpect Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 thanks, mighty cpa! yeah, i'm pretty sure she isn't thinking of me now. but it still breaks me that my friendship with her will be affected. do you think it is possible to be friends with someone you once loved?
Ruby65 Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 I need your perspective. I changed my number in the hopes that it will be easier for me to move on. It honestly felt like a heavy weight has lifted. But I'm sort of regretting that decision. Is it an act of cowardice or weakness to change numbers? If she ever did realize that I changed my number, would she think I never valued our friendship? I'm thinking that she had her reasons to break up with me and I hope she could understand that I had to do this. My head tells me to keep moving forward and not look back. And that if she really really want to get in touch with me then there are other ways aside from the phone (email, fb message, face to face because she does know where I live). I know she is a very proud person so if I'm not conveniently available to her anymore, them she would probably just let it go. I don't know. I'm so confused right now. You're right -- someone who REALLY wants to connect will find a way no matter how many blocks you throw up. (You should also have her blocked on Facebook, by the way.) Can you be friends with someone you were in love with? Yes, absolutely -- but for most people there has to be a period without contact so you can recover from the breakup. As long as there are romantic feelings, friendship is impossible. You'll know you're ready for friendship when this happens: you imagine her gushing to you about her new boyfriend, and all you feel is HAPPY for her.
Author dontexpect Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 You're right -- someone who REALLY wants to connect will find a way no matter how many blocks you throw up. (You should also have her blocked on Facebook, by the way.) Can you be friends with someone you were in love with? Yes, absolutely -- but for most people there has to be a period without contact so you can recover from the breakup. As long as there are romantic feelings, friendship is impossible. You'll know you're ready for friendship when this happens: you imagine her gushing to you about her new boyfriend, and all you feel is HAPPY for her. Well, I don't know if I'll ever have no feelings for her. She has affected me so deeply. But I'm also open to the idea that maybe I'll learn to deal with it and maybe even get over it in the process. I kind of want to inform her that I changed my number through email. I mean, just in case of an emergency. I don't want it to seem like I'm throwing away the friendship we had just because we broke up. Or will that open floodgates? Should I just leave it be and let her contact me if she really wants to? Am I over thinking things?
Ruby65 Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Yes, you are overthinking things. A few years from now, when you've gotten past this and are happy with your new better future girlfriend, you can revisit the issue of friendship with this ex. Of course, your future new way better girlfriend might not be so thrilled about the idea.... Let this go. Walk away. You have the rest of your life to rekindle a friendship with this person if it really means that much to you.
Author dontexpect Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 Yes, you are overthinking things. A few years from now, when you've gotten past this and are happy with your new better future girlfriend, you can revisit the issue of friendship with this ex. Of course, your future new way better girlfriend might not be so thrilled about the idea.... Let this go. Walk away. You have the rest of your life to rekindle a friendship with this person if it really means that much to you. You are right. She did say that she needed time and space to grow and be healthy. And I need that, too. But it is hard to let it go and just let it be. To put everything to fate (if there is such a thing) because this is beyond my control. But it cannot be denied that I am in so much pain. I go out everyday pretending I'm fine. I hope I will be someday.
Author dontexpect Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 I'm just really sad today. Sometimes I really don't know how to get through one day. It seems like I'm constantly getting stabbed. Will I ever be okay again? I just really want to be happy. I just want to go back to the way it was before everything started and we were just friends because I do miss her company. And she probably does not miss me. I don't know what to do. I just want to crawl up in bed. I just want to go back to my parents' home. But I can't do any of that. Not now, at least. I feel so alone. I cannot concentrate and the exams are coming up. On top of all of that, I am not out to anyone in school and not out to my family. So, they only know her as my "best friend." It is really hard to pull myself together. Can I really do this?
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