barcode88 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 How would you feel if you were that "boyfriend" she was cheating on? im some times amazed how people can rationalize flat out knowingly hurting others.. If I'm the OM I'm not hurting anyone. The person I'm with is the one doing all the hurting - it's their relationship or vows that they're breaking - not mine. If I wasn't there it'd be just someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 If I wasn't there it'd be just someone else. There's some truth to this. Still, most people wouldn't want to be party to it. One thing I noticed when I was young and dated some separated men and also just from observing my friends' breakups is that they were mostly people who married really young and then eventually matured and changed and grew apart when they reached maturity in their late 20s or early 30s. Because people's brains simply are not fully developed until around the mid-twenties, so there's lot of change that may not be anybody's fault. It was inevitable they'd go their separate ways. They grew apart. Maybe both grew apart, or maybe you'd have one person who had a very nearly complete life that the other wanted no part of, who was following a career or passion and the other was still just stuck in place for whatever reason. I think divorce for people who married young is understandable. And of leading up to it can be messy and not done in the right order to hurt the least because they are still not very experienced, so cheating and especially emotional affairs are almost inevitable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 There's some truth to this. Still, most people wouldn't want to be party to it. One thing I noticed when I was young and dated some separated men and also just from observing my friends' breakups is that they were mostly people who married really young and then eventually matured and changed and grew apart when they reached maturity in their late 20s or early 30s. Because people's brains simply are not fully developed until around the mid-twenties, so there's lot of change that may not be anybody's fault. It was inevitable they'd go their separate ways. They grew apart. Maybe both grew apart, or maybe you'd have one person who had a very nearly complete life that the other wanted no part of, who was following a career or passion and the other was still just stuck in place for whatever reason. I think divorce for people who married young is understandable. And of leading up to it can be messy and not done in the right order to hurt the least because they are still not very experienced, so cheating and especially emotional affairs are almost inevitable. I agree - I probably wouldn't for the most part - unless it was a spur of the moment fling or something. And only if the BF was someone I didn't know. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I agree - I probably wouldn't for the most part - unless it was a spur of the moment fling or something. And only if the BF was someone I didn't know. What if it was a husband not just a bf, and there were kids involved? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 If I'm the OM I'm not hurting anyone. The person I'm with is the one doing all the hurting - it's their relationship or vows that they're breaking - not mine. If I wasn't there it'd be just someone else. Same as the get away driver is not responsible for the holdup man shooting and murdering the bank teller. Well news flash for you the getaway driver is guilty as well. As so is one that accepts stolen property. OM is morally a thief for he knowingly accepts stolen property from the BH. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 OM is morally a thief for he knowingly accepts stolen property from the BH. I understand your analogy road but it made me wonder about the subconscious concept of spouse as property. In this day and age most people do not intellectually think of their spouse as such. However, especially with longer marriages, isn't their some sense of "ownership" of the marriage, the partnership? Could this be another ego dynamic that causes focus on the AP, the "thief?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Same as the get away driver is not responsible for the holdup man shooting and murdering the bank teller. Well news flash for you the getaway driver is guilty as well. As so is one that accepts stolen property. OM is morally a thief for he knowingly accepts stolen property from the BH. Well the getaway driver didn't do THAT crime. He did a different crime (accessory versus being the principal owner of the crime). I don't think its a sound analogy. If there is a husband and/or kids involved - well the GF/Wife should probably have considered that before she spread her legs Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 In the outsider scenario, one potential is people in the social circle 'blame' the outsider under the supposition that the outsider was cognizant of the adulterer's marital or relationship status and was still a willing participant. This brings up the matter of disclosure and where things often get fuzzy. I could see this as more of an issue in generations past where information technology didn't drill deep into a person's personal life. However, technology is a double-edged sword, allowing easier movement throughout the world and with multiple identities. What are people's motivations for blaming the affair partner 'more', if and when they do? I've only experienced this dynamic a few times in life and, generally, if I did assign more blame and less care or human concern for the affair partner it was because they were some unknown stranger of billions whom I didn't care whether they lived or died. There was more 'balance' with the known and loved person, even when acknowledging their actions as hurtful. That said, when reflecting, I tended to view things as more of balanced responsibility, irrespective of love or investment. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 OM is morally a thief for he knowingly accepts stolen property from the BH. I understand your analogy road but it made me wonder about the subconscious concept of spouse as property. In this day and age most people do not intellectually think of their spouse as such. However, especially with longer marriages, isn't their some sense of "ownership" of the marriage, the partnership? Could this be another ego dynamic that causes focus on the AP, the "thief?" I knew someone was going to make an apples to orange comparison. We do not "own" our spouse. There are laws protecting personal rights. The concept of stealing the spouse has nothing to do with legal possession, or treating a spouse as property. It has to do with taking the concept where a marriage is between two people that are joined together as one. You remember the vows that said what god has put together let no man tear asunder. A marriage is between two not three. The OM can never claim he did nothing wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Well the getaway driver didn't do THAT crime. He did a different crime (accessory versus being the principal owner of the crime). I don't think its a sound analogy. If there is a husband and/or kids involved - well the GF/Wife should probably have considered that before she spread her legs The driver can be found guilty of the murder just as the person that pulled the trigger because he participated in committing the crime, robbing the bank. This has nothing to do with the WW's responsibility. This post is about the OM can not claim he was just an innocent bystander. Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 The driver can be found guilty of the murder just as the person that pulled the trigger because he participated in committing the crime, robbing the bank. This has nothing to do with the WW's responsibility. This post is about the OM can not claim he was just an innocent bystander. Actually he is innocent. The crime was commited when the Woman decided to cheat on her BF/Husband. The OM just happened to be the guy there. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Actually he is innocent. The crime was commited when the Woman decided to cheat on her BF/Husband. The OM just happened to be the guy there. The OM participated in sex with the WW Just as the driver was participated in the bank heist as the robber with the gun. I am done with you. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 If I'm the OM I'm not hurting anyone. The person I'm with is the one doing all the hurting - it's their relationship or vows that they're breaking - not mine. If I wasn't there it'd be just someone else. Bull donkey! yes you are if you knowing do it your just as bad as the gf or even better wife! there is no excuse and you never answered me how would YOU feel if you were the bf? I bet you would be pissed as hell at the guy and her... Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 The OM participated in sex with the WW Just as the driver was participated in the bank heist as the robber with the gun. I am done with you. Agreed there is no point in argureing with some one with no morrels cealry its a losing argument. Karma has a funny away of paying back folkes like that anyways. I think there should be laws in place for married people at least that says the BS can sue their spouse AND the OW OM for the pain and suffering caused by their affairs then maybe some would start taking responsibility.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Meh I'm not advocating that kind of behavior - it's not something I'd probably feel GREAT about. But a lot of times you don't find out until afterwards that they had a Significant Other - so what can you do =/ Lol. Link to post Share on other sites
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