Igb Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Hey, I need some advice, Me and my girlfriend (M/22&F/20) are seeing each other for half a year now and then it all happened, during the storm her cat got lost (she lived half her life with that cat), her dog which has been with her for many years started dying and they had to put it out of it's misery, and a while back she had a fight with her parents which let to them not liking me( because she stayed over instead of coming back home), and now she's having the exams period (lot of important exams and project). Last Thursday we had the talk and she had told it to me like she's breaking up with me, and then (after some crying from both sides) she said she didn't phrase it right and all she wants is a break because I'm not helping in this whole situation but making it more hard on her. After a few emotional breakdowns when I was acting like a baby because I was talking from emotions and not from my brain, She said she wants us to end it for a while because she can't like that and she can't leave me in the air, after that I had my mind twisted and said that I'm sorry for me acting like that and promised her I would write her every morning (because I'm actually afraid that she will forget about me), since then I wrote her every day (I couldn't hold myself from not writing a good morning), but yesterday I decided to make another mistake unthinking and talked to her good friend and asked her if she thinks I still have a chance with her, she said I should move on. In the evening we had a phone talk (she called) and she told me during that conversation that she was with her friend when we talked. What should I do? Does she want to break up? or she only wants a break to have her exams and thoughts clear? It's really hard for me not talking to her and I know I should wait but it hurts, and I'm getting a little obsessive, I check my phone all the time to she if she sent a message or if she's online, and I want to know what she's doing or who she's talking to, i'm really in a mass and I don't know what to do, any advice?
marcelo.santos Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 If her friend told you "move on" - is a clear sign of that she told her friend that you both have no chance anymore. So, move on understand: What is happening between you and she has nothing to do with her cat, dog or exam. I'm getting a little obsessive, I check my phone all the time to she if she sent a message or if she's online, and I want to know what she's doing or who she's talking to, i'm really in a mass and I don't know what to do, any advice? You are killing yourself with this obsessive - I know how it is.. it happen all the time and you will be better in a few weeks. To help your heal, Go full NC: If you block her in calls, sms, whatsapp - you will not be obsessive anymore and this will makes you better faster. Sorry Bro.. its part of the game.. move on! 2
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Breaks are test drives of break ups. If you are going to fix what's wrong you have to communicate & work together. Being apart is just ripping the band-aid off slowly.
jus d'orange Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 This relationship is getting hurtful and confusing for both of you. You need space in order to get some peace and clarity, and as will probably be necessary, to move on. Tell her you need this space, that you don't want to talk unless it's a calm discussion about reconciliation, and then disappear from her life. Focus on yourself, read around the forums here to get some good advice on how to implement this, and keep going. Ultimately disappearing is the only way to give her the space she would need to reevaluate how she feels about you, and it's what she's asking for, so be respectful and give her the space. At the same time, this will help you to heal and strengthen yourself, and to treat yourself with respect. Don't expect that she will call next week and suddenly be committed to the relationship, because that's not usually how this works, but do know that messaging her every day and keeping in obsessive contact is not only harming any possibility of the relationship continuing in any healthy manner, it's also hurting you. Take care and good luck. 1
Author Igb Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Breaks are test drives of break ups. If you are going to fix what's wrong you have to communicate & work together. Being apart is just ripping the band-aid off slowly. So are you saying I need to talk to her more instead of leaning back and not talking?
jus d'orange Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 You're sending her messages all of the time. She hasn't forgotten about you, but that screams of desperation and is effective in driving people away and in teaching them that you're dependable but not somebody they need to show commitment too. It doesn't seem like she is ready to have a real conversation about solving problems, otherwise she would do it on her own volition. You should tell her that unless there's calm talk about reconciliation, it's time to give each other a lot of space, and that means you can't keep popping into her life on a daily or even weekly or monthly basis. Even if it is your goal to get back together with her, this kind of behaviour is not helping you or the relationship. If she turns down the opportunity to have a relaxed discussion about solving the problems in the relationship, then it's over and you need to move on anyway.
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 So are you saying I need to talk to her more instead of leaning back and not talking? I think you need to be supportive. If she is in the middle of exams, let her concentrate on school but then meet up with her & talk to her. Ask about her dog. Let her cry. Ask about her parents. Work with her to repair your relationship with them. It's not your fault she chose to not come home but don't let them make you the enemy. If she can't handle the depression from the dog's dying, her school work, the growing pains in her relationship with her parents & dating you, sadly you are the part most disposable. If you leave her alone she will conclude that you don't care.
jus d'orange Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 On second thought, d0nnivain brings up a good point -- you seem to be mostly focussed on yourself here, reminding her that you exist, rather than remember that she isn't going to forget about you so easily, and see if you can be supportive. If she doesn't want you there for that kind of support though, I do recommend you give each other some space. Remember that you can't have this kind of relationship with someone who doesn't want it.
xUnknown Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 So are you saying I need to talk to her more instead of leaning back and not talking? He's saying there is no such things as breaks. That couples don't take "breaks" from a relationship. Its a way to test the waters of a breakup, and 99% of the time, it leads to a breakup. I never believe in breaks. I decided to give the girl what she wanted and did a 2 week break. It lead to exactly what I perceived it as from day 1 - a breakup. If she wants a break, shes considering or already made the decision to break up...she just doesn't have the guts to break up with you yet...so she prolongs it as a "break". Go No Contact. A storm is coming...better to be prepared now than later. When that time comes, be strong. Don't beg. Just agree. Go with the flow. She'll leave wondering wtf...why wasn't he sad...
lauri Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Break = it's over and I'm testing something out. You are now my backup and I will keep you around as a safety net. Want to know what I would do? I'd call her up and be like "You know what? You can have all the time in the world. We're over." hang up and go NC. She has made her decision to end things with you a lonnng time ago...she just doesn't know how to do it. Don't talk to her friends about her and don't talk about her. You need to disappear from her life. What she is doing to you is very selfish...you need to think about yourself first and foremost now. Few things as well if you go forward with this: 1) She will be shocked. She thinks you do not have the ability to live without her and you will die if she leaves you. This will prove her wrong. All she will think is "Why is he doing this? Why isn't he sad? (my poor hurt ego hurt ego)" and "How DARE he move on?". 2) If she doesn't try to contact you again (highly unlikely if you do what I said because it will bruise her ego), at least you saved yourself some major time and pain. Trust me on this one, once you find out she has a new man it's going to hurt a lot more knowing you sat around waiting in the wings for her rather then being proactive and protecting yourself. If you don't believe me, stick around and wait. You'll see how far that gets you. 3) She could start to miss you and miss what you used to have. If she wants you back, she will show it in her actions by trying to do everything to get you back into her life. Still, even if she does, I highly suggest to avoid going back into a toxic relationship where she does something like this to you in the first place...she's lost interest and the chances of her coming back AND staying is slim. 4) This will at least let you leave with a bit of self respect and you can look back knowing you did what was best for you. Remember man, you're the price. You deserve the best - so act like it. 1
No Limit Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Break = it's over and I'm testing something out. You are now my backup and I will keep you around as a safety net. I'm afraid I agree with that. You'd be surprised how many people, men and women alike, find third parties to 'support them' through a rough time. 1
Itspointless Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Break = it's over and I'm testing something out. You are now my backup and I will keep you around as a safety net. Lived that once - a long time ago - never again. If I am honest, she sounds like a lot of drama, I also have been there. Do not let that drag you down if you have any control over it. d0nnivain said something very important 'you are the part most disposable.' Be better than her waste.
Author Igb Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 I know that my actions are kinda selfish but I do want to get back to her, I feel that she's perfect for me and I just don't want to let go, is there a way to make her feel better and change her mind understanding that we're good together? I want her to be happy, but the same time I want her to to be happy with me, what can I do?
Itspointless Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 I know that my actions are kinda selfish but I do want to get back to her, I feel that she's perfect for me and I just don't want to let go, is there a way to make her feel better and change her mind understanding that we're good together? I want her to be happy, but the same time I want her to to be happy with me, what can I do? You are not selfish, you have to stop saying that and stop blaming yourself for your needs and wants. Also acting on emotions is not bad, it is how you feel about all of this. You are not your brain! But, the problem is you cannot change someone's mind, they have to do that on their own. By hanging around that probably is not going to happen. So that means you have to take some distance and stop trying to influence her. It is hard to do, I know.
Author Igb Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 You are not selfish, you have to stop saying that and stop blaming yourself for your needs and wants. Also acting on emotions is not bad, it is how you feel about all of this. You are not your brain! But, the problem is you cannot change someone's mind, they have to do that on their own. By hanging around that probably is not going to happen. So that means you have to take some distance and stop trying to influence her. It is hard to do, I know. By taking a distance does it include stopping to write her or try to talk to her? because it's really hard for me, especially today when we were supposed to have a half year anniversary.
Itspointless Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 By taking a distance does it include stopping to write her or try to talk to her? because it's really hard for me, especially today when we were supposed to have a half year anniversary. For a while yes, you made clear how you feel. Now she must have the chance to miss you.
Chi townD Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Wait, so when you were talking to her friend, she texted you the next day to tell you that she was with that friend when you called? And she didn't bother to tell you at the time? That's kinds shady! Probably had a good laugh about that. Dude, she made it apparent that she doesn't want to be with you. So, you need to give her exactly what she asked for. You being gone. Not what you wanted hear but it is what it is. Taking a break= breaking up. Time to move on dude. Time to heal from this and go No Contact on her. You begged and pleaded with her and she still isn't with you. So, time to start worrying about number one. Start making some positive changes to your life.
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