londonlady82 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Hi all, first time posting on here but read a few posts. Sorry if this is a bit long. Last year, after being single for 8 years, I started dating a guy. We met online and had already been texting each other for two weeks before we met in person. We had a lovely first date and went out on a few more dates but I was never sure if I was into him. It wasn't until the 5th date that I realised I liked him. I was never 100% sure if he liked me too though cos his behaviour was sometimes a bit mixed. About 3 wks after my realisation, and after a great day hanging out, I finally told him that his behaviour confused me. He told me it was because he wasn't ready for a relationship (turns out he was on the rebound). I should have just dropped him but we continued to see each other and carried on as before. I knew at the time that it wasn't a good idea but I still liked him (he was the first guy I'd liked in SO long) and stupidly secretly hoped he'd change his mind. This messy dating scenario (still hanging out and still sleeping together) continued for about 4/5 months before his behaviour indicated that he didn't want to see me as much. We had a chat and decided to just be friends. But I still had feelings. And to make it worse, we still occasionally slept together! Now it's a year since we first dated, I've long accepted that we'll never be bf and gf and I'm dating other guys... But I still have feelings for last year's guy! And now I just don't know why. He's not all that! Is it out of habit? The worst thing is I used to think of him and his ex gf a lot, thinking how lucky she had been to get him as a proper bf, cos that was what I wanted from him. And I still think of him and his ex now. Why?! They split 1.5 yrs ago! But they're still friends and I'm kinda jealous of that. Why is still on my mind all the time? It's driving me insane!
Toodaloo Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Its on your mind because you have blown it up into so much more than it was. It was just sex. You were just a booty call. Your confusing romance between a quick shag. Stop. Stop dating for a while, go out look after yourself, develop some hobbies, do charity work and see your friends and family. Travel about a bit and do some fun things. Get a life of your own so you don't need a man to fill it or "make you better". Then you will find a much better quality of man and will not take all this crap.
jus d'orange Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 After a relationship ends, we experience loss of two things: what the relationship actually was, and whatever superstructure of dreams, hopes, and visions we built upon that. It seems that your relationship with this person didn't really amount to much, but on that small foundation you built an awful lot of visions. You say you thought about being his girlfriend, imagined what that would be like. The reason you're struggling over the loss of this insignificant relationship is that you made it out to be a lot more than it was in real life. Don't blame yourself for this; almost everybody gets ahead in life with their thought process, and many couples enjoy talking about their imagined futures together. These thoughts become cherished and it's very painful when they disappear. I'd recommend you tackle the problem head on and spend some time thinking about what this guy really was, not about what COULD have been. Let those thoughts replace the imaginations of a relationship you've had. The visions aren't reality, and they're preventing you from moving on. Hope this helps. 3
Author londonlady82 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Toodaloo, I agree that I blew it up to be bigger than it was but I was definitely not just a booty call. We hung out and did so many activities where sex wasn't involved at all. My life is very fulfilling, I have a great job, great friends and lots of hobbies but I really wanted a relationship (I'd been single for 8 years!). It felt like he was the closest I'd had to what I'd been craving for so long Thanks for your words though. Jus d'orange , what you said rang true. I unfortunately do have a tendency to overthink which I'm trying to work on. Back then, I found it hard to accept the truth because it hurt too much. My mind would find ways to contradict what was really happening. He's still in my life as my friend now which doesn't help I guess. Thank you, I'll take your advice onboard.
jus d'orange Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I know this may seem a bit harsh, but remember that friends are in your life to enrich and strengthen it. You guys may be friends, but I don't think having him around in a friendship is doing much for either of you. This could be difficult to do, but I recommend you talk to him and say that you need some time away from him because you still get upset over the fact that nothing further developed between the two of you. Only when you get completely past this would it be possible to have a healthy friendship with him, which is frankly in both of yours best interests. It sounds like once you do that and tackle the overwrought imagined image in your head, you'll be well on your way, especially since the rest of your life sounds very fulfilling. Best of luck!
Author londonlady82 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) This could be difficult to do, but I recommend you talk to him and say that you need some time away from him because you still get upset over the fact that nothing further developed between the two of you. I considered talking to him about this but didn't want him to know that I still like him in that way and am still a bit upset. Only a few days ago, when we were hanging out, I'd made it clear to him that I'd moved on (even though clearly I haven't really!). It's clear to me that the attraction is still there on both sides which doesn't always make our friendship purely platonic. Would it be better if I just cut him off for a few weeks without talking? Edited February 19, 2015 by londonlady82 mistake
jus d'orange Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 You can do whichever of those two seems best to you. And I understand the desire to appear like you're over it, but that dishonesty is also not a good part of a healthy friendship! Especially if he still shows signs of being attracted to you without it being possible for it to go elsewhere, I don't see how this can lead to anything other than more confusion and pain. Definitely take a good long time away from him. Remember that trying to maintain this friendship isn't going to be healthy anyway, so you need to be decisive. Either tell him you need space and time away, or just do it and let him figure it out on his own. If he thinks less of you for that, then that's his problem, but your reasons for this are solid. 2
Author londonlady82 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Thank you so much. I daren't talk to my friends about this because I've given them the impression that I'm well over him as well! So you've really helped 1
Kinetica84 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Londonlady..... A London guy here born and bred Could it be a case of simply wanting what you can't have? By the sounds of it you wasn't that into him yourself, it's almost live you convinced yourself to like him. You say you were single for 8 years. That is a long time to be single, whatever your reasons for that were it's a long time. So may be you latched on to a this guy? Maybe you felt you could fix his broken heart? Your feelings could just be misguided and not actual feelings if that makes sense? 3
Ieris Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 @londonlady82 - You should have let go a long long time ago but you've been holding on despite all the red flags. You already know he can't/won't give you what you want so don't hang around waiting for him to change his mind. Don't wait for him to cut you off when he falls for someone else because that's just another level of pain. So spare yourself that heartache and let go, you've already wasted 1 year on him, don't waste anymore! x 1
Author londonlady82 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 Kinetica84- I think I did latch onto him especially after he'd told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. Wanting what I couldn't have? You're right. Typical isn't it?! Ieris- I know I should have let go a long time ago (I tried then, I really did!) and trust me, I really am trying to now. My mind is stuck is a certain way of thinking that I can't get out of (hence why I'm on this forum). I'm an emotional person so find this kind of thing very difficult. Satu:No contact? That's fine. Delete, block and ignore- I can't do that. Especially without an explanation.
Ruby65 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Satu:No contact? That's fine. Delete, block and ignore- I can't do that. Especially without an explanation. Here's your explanation: "I need some time without contact so I can move on. Wish you the best and thanks for understanding." (And I don't think going No Contact is easy for anyone. It's one of the hardest things there is! But if you can stick with it, the payoff is huge.) 1
Ieris Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 (edited) Ieris- I know I should have let go a long time ago (I tried then, I really did!) and trust me, I really am trying to now. My mind is stuck is a certain way of thinking that I can't get out of (hence why I'm on this forum). I'm an emotional person so find this kind of thing very difficult. I know it's hard but it's the best option for you, so follow your head not your heart on this one. I took a 3 year break from dating (not as long as your 8 years) and no one really caught my eye during that time. Until S came along and I thought he was truly special which landed me here on Ls. I'm over it now but as he was the first one to catch my attention in such a long time I put him on a pedestal and made him out to be something that he wasn't so I'm responsible for that. As Kinetica84 said: Could it be a case of simply wanting what you can't have? I don't know about you but I dwell on the ones that got away because I haven't had the chance to sink my teeth into them. In my case 2 of them, although one was a long time ago and one more recent, I want them but not really really want them if you know what I mean? So it's more of an ego thing than wanting to be with them forever (I only realize these things when I'm self reflecting and admit I'm a bit of a sore loser). So, have a think about why you really want him in particular. Do you really see a future with him or do you just want him because you can't have him or...? x Edited February 20, 2015 by Ieris
Author londonlady82 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 Thank you, Ruby65 x Hey Ieris, I understand... I also put this guy (D) on a pedestal and still do in a way. In case of wanting him cos I can't have him, yes there is definitely an element of that, but it was also because, as I mentioned above, he was the first guy I liked in so long and we were so close to beginning a relationship before he dropped the "I'm not ready" bomb. By then, I'd invested a lot of feelings and it hit me harder than I thought it would. I think I know deep down that it wouldn't work long term and to get him off the pedestal and make me feel better, I've tried writing down his bad points...but then my STUPID brain goes and reminds me of all the fun times we've had. Meh. Anyway, I'm going to do the no contact thing just to try and clear my head.
jus d'orange Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 The emotional part of the brain isn't so good at realising that bringing up all the good things doesn't mean that the impossible magically becomes the possible. It does sound like, because you'd been single for quite some time, that put a lot of expectation into your relationship with him, which ultimately wasn't realised. You seem in a good place though, and you'll move on with the aid of NC and continuing to get out there. You're a well balanced person who seems positive enough, and you'll definitely meet somebody who doesn't dither on the matter! 1
Author londonlady82 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 He texted me on day 7 of my NC and now I feel like I've back tracked! Of course, he wasn't to know I was deliberately initiating no contact. So, I've written an email to him saying how I can't be friends with him now as our friendship is preventing me from moving on. Just need to send it. I can't wait for when I can look back and genuinely laugh at how ridiculously I'm acting!
Author londonlady82 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 Anyone else been dangerously infatuated with someone? How did you deal with it and how long did it take to get over them?
PegNosePete Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 Define "dangerously"? Like following them through downtown Detroit after dark? Or jumping into a lion's cage to impress them? That would be pretty dangerous.
Author londonlady82 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 Haha! No nothing like that. Dangerous to the extent where he consumes my thoughts non stop and i'm finding it hard to concentrate on every day activities. The only stalking that's taken place has been on Facebook. No contact doesn't seem to be helping unfortunately...
Robert Z Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 It's been almost three years now. I'll let you know when I get over it. She's my sugar baby so that helps. 1
Robert Z Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 (edited) We might be talking about Limerence. Funny thing about that link. If you follow the additional links to the so-called healthy love, for which seven definitions are given, aside from theological love, artistic love, and a couple of others [which wouldn't dare be addressed as possible when it comes to limerence] love is reduced to nothing more than limerence with a practical element added. And therein lies the rub: Any clinical definition of love is reduced to biochemistry, as are infatuation and other so-called forms of love. There is no room in science for true love. We are all just animals responding to instincts and biochemistry. Based on what I read from "experts" on this topic, sometimes I think they are giving advice for choosing a roommate and not a lover. It makes me feel that sickening dead feeling that I felt with my wife when love was reduced to a practical arrangement. Edited February 27, 2015 by Robert Z 1
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