Inprofessional Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Hi! New to the forum. I've been contemplating a few things. First a bit about me: single (very much so- haven't dated in years), and haven't pursued women or had any relations in years either. Not long ago, at a group meeting we're both part of, a nice lady showed interest in me, and gave me her phone number. A couple days later I call, thinking about her and what to say quite a bit before making the call. Consider it nervous anxiety. Ten years ago I wouldn't have called at all. We chat for some minutes, it goes well. She invites me to meet her somewhere. We hung out, mostly talking. Saw her the next day at another meeting. She takes me to lunch after. Tells me about herself. I listen. She knows I'm shy because I told her. It may be hard to tell in person, as I may appear 'strong and silent.' I answer questions confidently and try to appear interesting and all that, though I hate talking about myself in such a situation. It always feels like an interrogation. This is getting wordier than I planned. I can't tell if she's pursuing me, or just being nice; establishing mutual attraction isn't my strong suit. Dating is not fun for me and it's hard to not think of her. I'd feel bad to use her, and that's been my recurring problem for the last few years. "Why would anyone want to be with me," etc. My esteem isn't that low, but I do realize my conversation can be dry and dull. It's ok, I'm a closet intellectual. Fact is, being my age, male, and alone sucks. My relationships have been good in the past, even after we broke up, which I usually initiated. Perhaps I was scared I'd end up hurting her and vice versa. I just don't like dating and all the weird games that go with it. Wow it's hard to believe it's been nearly ten years. I didn't mean to write my life story here, it just kind of came out. Being in love with the idea of love sucks. Thanks for reading. Any thoughts?
rdet123 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 hmm it's hard to tell from your description if it was a date or not. She did ask you out, but it could have been just a friends thing or maybe she just wanted to get to know you a little better. My advice to you being a girl is to just act normal and don't be afraid to say something stupid or share an opinion. If you look at dating as something that sucks then it will suck for you. But if you turn it around and look at it as a positive of getting to know different women and what you like in a woman then I think that will help you. Don't take it so seriously because it's not suppose to be. Just have fun!
Author Inprofessional Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 thanks. I'm not sure how people consider dating fun; I definitely prefer a more direct approach. Maybe my game is weak and/or I don't know how to play. I'd just like to know when someone is pursuing me without things getting awkward. A friend isn't really what I'm looking for right now, my hormones have been redlining too long for that.
preraph Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 It was a date, but you need to ask her out next time and pay for everything and go somewhere nice. A date.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) Sounds like a date to me. You sound a bit introverted - and that's fine (I am a little bit as well). Some quick tips: - Don't come across as needy - Ask her out (pay for it) - Have fun, don't overthink things - Remember that theres a good chance she might not be the one, theres plenty of other women out there. Don't fixate on her. You need to work out your trust issues about hurting/being hurt; that **** isn't healthy for a relationship. Edited February 19, 2015 by barcode88
Buddhist Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Given that your situations of meeting up seem to be happenstance this very well could be a case of....hey there's that guy I have something in common with, lets do lunch! I don't think at this stage one can really call it sexual interest or not. Obviously there is some interest, but of what type? You are yet to discover. The obvious next logical step is for you to ask her out to dinner. The two of you together, away from this situation in an obvious dating scenario.
Versacehottie Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 what was the "purpose" of getting together? For example, why did she say she wanted to meet up with you? It mostly seems like she is interested in you for dating but the answer to this could be telling.
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 It sounds like a half-date. You should take her on a real date. Somewhere nice, you plan it and ask if she is available. Just have "fun" with it. Or try at least...
Author Inprofessional Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 Thanks for the thoughts. I read them right away but decided to wait a bit. I asked her out one night, she was busy. It wasn't a big deal. Our schedules make things tough. It's hard to say when we'd both have time for a 'real date,' though I have been coming up with ideas. Came up with several ideas back in 2012 for the last gal I crushed on, and while we never went out, it almost feels like cheating to 'reuse' scenarios I haven't even tried. I know I ought to stop imagining what could be and get out of my head. We've chatted a few times on the phone and a bit in text message. She took me to lunch again where I picked up the check. She seemed immediately distanced. Our schedules are tough, and I don't want to reply to every text, so I'm just waiting in limbo for when/if we see each other again. It would be nice to be able to 'just be myself,' but as an INxJ it's probably not recommended. I wonder why there aren't any dating mediators around. A school or program for incels and love-shys is another idea I had.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 If you ask her out and she's busy and she doesn't offer an alternative date - she's not interested and is letting you down easy. Just take it as such.
Author Inprofessional Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 If you ask her out and she's busy and she doesn't offer an alternative date - she's not interested and is letting you down easy. Just take it as such. That's what I would assume, though she may not have known my intentions at the time. All she said was 'not tonight,' and she keeps making contact. Two weeks have gone by and I haven't exactly been upfront yet.
Gary S Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 You are doing fantastic! The woman is calling you and making the dates! When they are making the moves, there is no rejection... she can't take a step forward and back at the same time. Very cool! She took me to lunch again where I picked up the check. She seemed immediately distanced. - However, this could be a bad sign... women who are not romantically interested sometimes don't like when the man pays for them, they don't want to feel obligated. To be better with people, join Toastmasters, read the book How To Win Friends and Influence People... and the best tip, get a part-time sales job... you'll get to practice talking to people and get paid for it!
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