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I want to get over my first love for good


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Posted

This was a young love. I was 16-20 and she was 14-18. I'm *nearly* over her. I just have relapses every now and again that bother me. The relationship vaguely ended in December 2010 and pretty much officially ended in December 2011.

 

In a summary, the relationship ended painfully, just like many first love-esque relationships. We had a small bit of distance (location wise) in our relationship, but we always overcame obstacles. After a few great years, she changed, her peers changed, I didn't know how to react to such change, her immaturity showed, I became quite needy and clingy during that time (a growing pain of sorts, I guess), she cheated and, well, the relationship ended in the time specified above, she started a relationship with somebody else, had a baby with that person, and that was then.

 

I'll be 24 soon. I've been in a couple of solid relationships that have lasted a few months since then. I took a lot of time to try and heal. The pain subsided at times but always resurfaced.

 

I met a girl in June 2012 that I intermittently contacted for a while. In January 2014, this same girl and I became close and eventually began dating in August of 2014. She knows about my first love, the entire story of how my first love broke my heart and all that. I'm open with her about it. I feel love for this girl, genuinely, and one of the reasons it took so long to begin a relationship with her was due to the lack of desire to be hurt again.

 

When I approached my first love about her cheating ways, she was never apologetic. She validated her actions -- what she did to me -- and it burned. I feel as if, no matter what, that it's always going to burn. I reckon it's true what people say about how you never truly 100% get over your first love, that no matter what there's an ache that's going to exist. My first love ultimately said (paraphrased), "Look, I know I hurt you. I know I caused pain. But please realize how old I was when I hurt you, and I think we see my cheating on you in two different ways" and that was that. We never talked again. I never looked her up after that. Completely NC.

 

Still yet, I'll dream about her every now and again and wake up feeling like crap. I don't obsess over her. I do NOT think about my first love all day long or anything. Sometimes I go a week or two feeling great, but the burn, the sting, the ache has never gone away, and that drives me crazy.

 

Yes, to me, the version of her that I knew, the version of her that I was in love with that I perceived as being the best version of herself, is virtually dead, as in she no longer exists and is now a ghost. I totally accept, understand and realize that. I also recognize that whatever version of her today, that I fictionally construct in my mind, is just that: a fabrication, and that she no longer exist in my plane of existence. None of those types of realizations that I just mentioned in this paragraph is soothing, healing or helping. :(

 

How do I minimize the pain as much as I can? Is it *really* true that you never get over your first love? Because it feels that way.

 

Do I want to forget about her forever? No. That's ridiculous. Before the change, before the cheating, before the pain, she gave me some of the greatest times (dopamine/oxytocin release..... I guess?) of my life that I will never forget. But the pain, even to this day, is awful. I just wish the ache would completely go away. I feel like there's an ache, sting and/or burn that will exist forever in some form or fashion.

Posted

It probably will. But she tried to tell you and you didn't listen.

 

You're in love with a memory. She's different now, a different person. I'm almost certain that this is the part that you don't grasp.

 

You are in love with someone who doesn't exist... as if she died on the day you split. You can still love the dead, but you actually love a memory... they'll never change, never be something different than you knew.

 

This is what you love. That's fine, but don't let it get in the way of something real.

Posted

We tend to put our first loves in a pedestal, I think that's the main reason we get hung up on them for a long time. Remember, not because she was your first doesn't mean she's the best. It takes a lot of mental strength doing this, but it can be done.

 

Just tell yourself over and over again that she cheated on you, that'll get her kicked off that pedestal in no time. Humans are strong creatures they are capable of healing wounds even mental ones, so don't go around thinking you'll never forget her or you'll never will.

Posted

My first love was at a similar age. I was also cheated on, but it was earlier in the relationship and we overcame that. She also apologised for it, but that was mixed in with blaming it on me and huge fights and all sorts of stuff. Despite how hurtful that was at the time, I have to be honest: I don't find it hurtful anymore. I don't really put her on a pedestal, but I also don't really feel an ill will toward her for what happened.

 

All of this happened to you quite a while ago. What she did and said was wrong, absolutely, but I think one of the reasons it still hurts you is that you haven't forgiven her for it. Putting somebody on a pedestal also makes it difficult to forgive them, because forgiveness involves accepting somebody's flawed nature and humanity and being willing to say "it's okay." Rather than continuing to try to tear her down by thinking of all the things she did wrong, try forgiving her for it. She was young, as were you, and you made mistakes. That doesn't mean that you should accept it as good behaviour, but try to see her as a complex and flawed character. Allow her to be a human in your mind, and I think it'll help that ache go away finally.

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