How to let go

[palmer14]

Without writing a whole wall of text, my girlfriend dumped me over the phone a month ago and in person 3 weeks ago. She is 19, I am 18, both going to different colleges in the same town. We were together for a year and 3 months. We had a great connection when we were together, I was crazy about her, and we were best friends.

 

We had a rough patch that almost led to us breaking up, but we talked it out and she told me how much she cared about me and was so thankful to know that I would always be there for her and that she was sorry for having doubts about us. After that, I thought everything was good. For the next month or so she started being very cold or distant, and would jump to being happy and in love the next time we saw each other. Then in a span of about 2 weeks she barely said anything to me and was extremely cold towards me. I got very unhappy with this and told her it wasn't going to work like this, that was when she ended it over the phone. We didn't talk for a week until we discussed it in person, but she had made up her mind. It's been 23 days of no contact since then.

 

There are a lot more details about our relationship I can add in, but I don't want to make it too long to read, so if you would like some more information, I'd be glad to say so. Pretty much, I thought this girl would be the love of my life and her giving up on us out of the blue has devastated me. I know I am young and have a lot of life ahead of me, but I really just want to be with her. But, I know that is not possible right now, but it is so hard to give up hope. I know from mutual friends that she has moved on and seems happy. It's so frustrating knowing that she could just check out of it so fast, when she was supposedly completely in love with me and happy a few weeks before. I need to know how I can let her go and move on without her. I have been doing different things, and spending more time with my friends. She really means the world to me and I want her back more than anything but thinking like that is setting me back from really healing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! thank you for reading

[mightycpa]

How? You're asking how? The hard way.

 

You embrace the pain, don't run away from it.

You accept that you'll never really know why.

You look at your behavior and learn from it.

You look at her behavior and learn from it.

You ignore your feelings of hope.

You embrace your rationality.

You break it off entirely.

You resist temptation.

You do for yourself.

You try to forgive.

You also forget.

You accept.

You live.

 

That's all. It's a lot to ask when you think you're part of something that no longer exists. It takes some time. You'll get there.

[Philosoraptor]

Focus on you right now, as until you've got yourself on stable ground you will continue to float aimlessly. Figure out where you go from here, for yourself. If she comes back into your life, great. If she doesn't, great as well. Either way by focusing on you you'll put yourself in the best position for your future.

[palmer14]

How? You're asking how? The hard way.

 

You embrace the pain, don't run away from it.

You accept that you'll never really know why.

You look at your behavior and learn from it.

You look at her behavior and learn from it.

You ignore your feelings of hope.

You embrace your rationality.

You break it off entirely.

You resist temptation.

You do for yourself.

You try to forgive.

You also forget.

You accept.

You live.

 

That's all. It's a lot to ask when you think you're part of something that no longer exists. It takes some time. You'll get there.

That's the biggest part. I keep grasping at straws in my head when she is happily living her life without me.

[mightycpa]

That's the biggest part. I keep grasping at straws in my head when she is happily living her life without me.

 

Yes it is. Start at the top of the list, work your way to the bottom, rinse, lather, repeat.

 

You'll get there, I promise.

[palmer14]

Yes it is. Start at the top of the list, work your way to the bottom, rinse, lather, repeat.

 

You'll get there, I promise.

I know I will, eventually. I know everyone says this, but the reasons for the break up just don't make sense to me and I was just left confused. We made each other so happy, I mean we had our issues like everyone does, but we always had fun together and had a connection. It was just like she decided to check out and didn't care anymore.

[mightycpa]

I know I will, eventually. I know everyone says this, but the reasons for the break up just don't make sense to me and I was just left confused. We made each other so happy, I mean we had our issues like everyone does, but we always had fun together and had a connection. It was just like she decided to check out and didn't care anymore.

 

Reasons... reasons don't matter. In the end, it doesn't matter if she had another guy, turned into a lesbian, didn't like the fact that you don't like Baby Ruth's or whatever her reason is. In reality, her heart has decided that however much she likes you, she likes something else even more. It might be freedom, it might be another guy, it might be girls, it might be Reese's Cups. She might not even be aware of the reason.

 

It happens. Feelings change in a moment's notice, and that happens all the time and nobody ever tells you about it until you ask.

 

Don't worry about why. Worry about what. She made a decision that was hers to make. All you can do is accept it, respond positively or negatively. Choose the positive. Live your life well and fully, and you'll see, everything will turn out fine.

 

When you cling to the past, or get bitter, or refuse to accept things as they are, that's when you get in trouble.

[ThePerfectJade]

Break ups suck. I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness reading about them and applying them to my own break up.

[organizedchaos]

I know I will, eventually. I know everyone says this, but the reasons for the break up just don't make sense to me and I was just left confused. We made each other so happy, I mean we had our issues like everyone does, but we always had fun together and had a connection. It was just like she decided to check out and didn't care anymore.

 

You know how many people, myself included, have said these exact same things about the ending of their relationship on this forum? Everyone says this because it's not unique to you. I'm not trying to be mean, just telling you we've been there. It sucks. But it happens. But you will move on if you cut all contact and you will meet someone else who might even be better.

[Light Breeze]

I know I will, eventually. I know everyone says this, but the reasons for the break up just don't make sense to me and I was just left confused. We made each other so happy, I mean we had our issues like everyone does, but we always had fun together and had a connection. It was just like she decided to check out and didn't care anymore.

 

I agree with organizedchaos, you'll get over it as long as you don't wallow in pain unnecessarily.

 

Chances are she checked out of the RS long before she ended it. I completely understand your desire for answers, but the truth is, you're not probably not going to get it. Accept that and find your own closure.

[palmer14]

You know how many people, myself included, have said these exact same things about the ending of their relationship on this forum? Everyone says this because it's not unique to you. I'm not trying to be mean, just telling you we've been there. It sucks. But it happens. But you will move on if you cut all contact and you will meet someone else who might even be better.

Yeah, I definitely know that you are not trying to be mean and that my situation is not unique. I have cut all contact now for 23 days. Each day I feel a little better, but I know there is always going to be a small part of me that hopes that she will miss me and change her mind.

[palmer14]

I agree with organizedchaos, you'll get over it as long as you don't wallow in pain unnecessarily.

 

Chances are she checked out of the RS long before she ended it. I completely understand your desire for answers, but the truth is, you're not probably not going to get it. Accept that and find your own closure.

Oh yeah, she definitely checked out a while before. She would be happy and acting in love with me whenever we hung out together, but as soon as we were apart she got distant and checked out emotionally. It was like she only wanted the relationship when I was right in front of her. She knew how she was handling things was wrong and was hurting me, and I think that really forced her decision. She was prepared for it, and I thought I was because I got so resentful towards her because of how she was acting, but I wasn't.

[Light Breeze]

Oh yeah, she definitely checked out a while before. She would be happy and acting in love with me whenever we hung out together, but as soon as we were apart she got distant and checked out emotionally. It was like she only wanted the relationship when I was right in front of her. She knew how she was handling things was wrong and was hurting me, and I think that really forced her decision. She was prepared for it, and I thought I was because I got so resentful towards her because of how she was acting, but I wasn't.

 

When some people check out of the RS they tend to do that, they bide their time. I've read so many stories like yours here and it's quite sad. Nothing you can do about it now but focus on yourself and heal, go ghost on her totally and utterly. Remember, remove all contact and you're gonna heal.

 

Anyway, about that small part of you that's hoping she'll miss you and come back? That'll go away with NC, trust me. When that hope dies, then your healing will run smoothly.

[palmer14]

When some people check out of the RS they tend to do that, they bide their time. I've read so many stories like yours here and it's quite sad. Nothing you can do about it now but focus on yourself and heal, go ghost on her totally and utterly. Remember, remove all contact and you're gonna heal.

 

Anyway, about that small part of you that's hoping she'll miss you and come back? That'll go away with NC, trust me. When that hope dies, then your healing will run smoothly.

 

Yeah I have noticed a lot of similarities with my story a lot of other people's. I never did anything to hurt her, I treated her great, we were best friends. I never expected her to act this way and everyone that knows her was surprised by it, it's like she waiting for something to change without actually doing anything to change. We were so close just weeks before it happened and I thought things were looking up.

[The Poster]

My first love is what brought me here. She wasn't only my first love, but she was also my first kiss, and the girl I lost my virginity to. We were madly in love pretty early on. We had a dog together and lived together. We didn't quite make it two years. I own up to my part in it, I made some mistakes. But in the end everything went downhill pretty fast.

 

We were on a break for a bit, then she eventually pulled the plug. We kept in contact and still saw each other quite a bit over the next few months before I stepped away because it was too painful. She eventually chased me down and wanted to get back together (this was a few months after the breakup.) I was hesitant, but I did love her, and wanted to redeem myself. We didn't even last two weeks before she bailed again. This time for another guy. She got a new guy, got our dog, and I got stuck having to pay a debt we were tied into that she was supposed to pay me back for but never did. I had to keep in contact with here over the course of the 5-6 months while we worked on paying off the debt we owed. It was ****ing brutal. We talked like business partners. Like strangers. Eventually she just started ignoring me and I was forced to pay the balance myself.

 

I was devastated, and I never thought I'd get over her or everything that happened. She just got married to that same guy last week, and I when I saw, I smiled. Because I knew I was indifferent to her now, and have been for a while. It just goes to show you, that you do heal eventually.

 

In fact, three months ago I broke up with a girl I dated for TWO MONTHS, and I feel way worse about it then I ever felt with my first love. The point is, every situation is different in it's own right, and there is no easy answer to anything, but time does heal.

[palmer14]

My first love is what brought me here. She wasn't only my first love, but she was also my first kiss, and the girl I lost my virginity to. We were madly in love pretty early on. We had a dog together and lived together. We didn't quite make it two years. I own up to my part in it, I made some mistakes. But in the end everything went downhill pretty fast.

 

We were on a break for a bit, then she eventually pulled the plug. We kept in contact and still saw each other quite a bit over the next few months before I stepped away because it was too painful. She eventually chased me down and wanted to get back together (this was a few months after the breakup.) I was hesitant, but I did love her, and wanted to redeem myself. We didn't even last two weeks before she bailed again. This time for another guy. She got a new guy, got our dog, and I got stuck having to pay a debt we were tied into that she was supposed to pay me back for but never did. I had to keep in contact with here over the course of the 5-6 months while we worked on paying off the debt we owed. It was ****ing brutal. We talked like business partners. Like strangers. Eventually she just started ignoring me and I was forced to pay the balance myself.

 

I was devastated, and I never thought I'd get over her or everything that happened. She just got married to that same guy last week, and I when I saw, I smiled. Because I knew I was indifferent to her now, and have been for a while. It just goes to show you, that you do heal eventually.

 

In fact, three months ago I broke up with a girl I dated for TWO MONTHS, and I feel way worse about it then I ever felt with my first love. The point is, every situation is different in it's own right, and there is no easy answer to anything, but time does heal.

Wow, thank you for sharing that. I definitely do not just blame her entirely for this, I played my part in it too. Time is definitely the only thing I can do right now. I know that getting back together even if she did want to wouldn't be a good idea because there is not any reason why things would end up any different. I can't imagine how painful it would have been to keep talking to her after you broke up for the second time. I appreciate it though, helps put things into perspective.

[The Poster]

Wow, thank you for sharing that. I definitely do not just blame her entirely for this, I played my part in it too. Time is definitely the only thing I can do right now. I know that getting back together even if she did want to wouldn't be a good idea because there is not any reason why things would end up any different. I can't imagine how painful it would have been to keep talking to her after you broke up for the second time. I appreciate it though, helps put things into perspective.

 

Yeah, it wasn't fun, especially because she was with her new lover. Others have had it worse than me though. In the end, despite the horrible aftermath, I still cherish what I had with her. I am thankful for the experience and all I learned. I genuinely hope she's happy now and she seems like she is based on checking her FB recently.

 

Most breakups are very hard, no matter who ended it. It's insane how you go from intimate, secret-sharing lovers, to complete strangers in the blink of an eye. Just the way it goes though, unfortunately.

 

Sometimes it seems like you'll never be able to move on, but you will.

[palmer14]

Yeah, it wasn't fun, especially because she was with her new lover. Others have had it worse than me though. In the end, despite the horrible aftermath, I still cherish what I had with her. I am thankful for the experience and all I learned. I genuinely hope she's happy now and she seems like she is based on checking her FB recently.

 

Most breakups are very hard, no matter who ended it. It's insane how you go from intimate, secret-sharing lovers, to complete strangers in the blink of an eye. Just the way it goes though, unfortunately.

 

Sometimes it seems like you'll never be able to move on, but you will.

Yeah, it really blows my mind. One night we are laying down together, happy, having fun, and just enjoying one another and then a few weeks later she tells me that she does not feel the same way anymore. She wanted to stay friends with me because it was almost like we were best friends first and in a relationship second, so not having her there as a friend makes it worse. I do think there is a chance of making things work in the future if she ends up wanting to, but I can't let myself think about that.

 

Right now, it is tough to see how it was all worth it. I knew that I was always more into it than her, but I regret putting so much of myself out there when she couldn't do the same, and I am the one that ends up getting hurt. It is not her fault though.

[organizedchaos]

Yeah, it really blows my mind. One night we are laying down together, happy, having fun, and just enjoying one another and then a few weeks later she tells me that she does not feel the same way anymore. She wanted to stay friends with me because it was almost like we were best friends first and in a relationship second, so not having her there as a friend makes it worse. I do think there is a chance of making things work in the future if she ends up wanting to, but I can't let myself think about that.

 

Right now, it is tough to see how it was all worth it. I knew that I was always more into it than her, but I regret putting so much of myself out there when she couldn't do the same, and I am the one that ends up getting hurt. It is not her fault though.

 

Our stories are nearly the same. Mine took me out of town for my birthday a month before she ended it!

 

I felt like you. Thought I'd never find a relationship that felt so right again.

 

But you know what, a year later I met an amazing woman. 8 months now and I'm still with her and I've found love again. It's better and she's better than my ex in so many ways. It gets better!

[palmer14]

Our stories are nearly the same. Mine took me out of town for my birthday a month before she ended it!

 

I felt like you. Thought I'd never find a relationship that felt so right again.

 

But you know what, a year later I met an amazing woman. 8 months now and I'm still with her and I've found love again. It's better and she's better than my ex in so many ways. It gets better!

Yeah, it's just so frustrating how she can say how much she loves me and be having fun together, and then turn around and say that isn't going to work. I know it will get better, eventually.

[dontexpect]

I agree with mightycpa. Feelings do change. I am having a similar experience right now. I thought we were going okay but things turned sour really fast and, before I knew it, we broke up. But maybe I was projecting my feelings on her and refused to see the reality. Yeah, let's not get stuck trying to find reasons because I don't think we will ever know. All we can do for now is try to accept the situation. Now, it is okay not to be able to accept it, at first. As for my case, I go through cycles of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. It might have to get worse before it gets better. So, let's just hold on tight. Remember that you are not alone.

[palmer14]

I agree with mightycpa. Feelings do change. I am having a similar experience right now. I thought we were going okay but things turned sour really fast and, before I knew it, we broke up. But maybe I was projecting my feelings on her and refused to see the reality. Yeah, let's not get stuck trying to find reasons because I don't think we will ever know. All we can do for now is try to accept the situation. Now, it is okay not to be able to accept it, at first. As for my case, I go through cycles of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. It might have to get worse before it gets better. So, let's just hold on tight. Remember that you are not alone.

 

I am feeling the same things. I'll feel almost happy because I am not being constantly disappointed by someone I love, then I'll be angry at her being so willing to drop everything, then I'll just feel depressed because she is not in my life anymore, and she seems perfectly okay with that. That's when I start trying to figure out ways to just make her see how happy we could be together, but I know that's crazy.

 

It still doesn't feel real.