Guilt

[Tarot777]

I'm feeling a lot of guilt and shame today.

Thinking about the last couple months with my boyfriend.

I kept getting mad at him over everything, and while I feel I was justified in some things I think I could've chilled out a bit.

This is some of what happened.

 

He works away 2 weeks on 1 week home. So I didn't get to see him that much, I would wait and wait and it felt like christmas when he arrived.

He was thoughtless sometimes. In ex:

 

One time after he arrived from work he went to the strippers with his friend while I waited two hours for him to come after I took the say off work.

 

My best friend is very beautiful, I showed him a picture because she lives away, his friend asked if she was as beautiful as people say, my boyfriend said " I'd f*ck her.

 

We were supposed to go on holiday together for our birthdays and new years, we got in a fight and he canceled his ticket so I went alone and spent birthday and new years alone. I had a blast backpacking around alone but still.

 

These are a few of the incidents.

But you see, what would happen is I wouldn't deal with the issues properly and would drink too much and unleash hell on him. He never knew when it was coming either because he would be at work away and I'd go out and then dwell, have too much wine and text him angry hate texts.

He would also get angry at me for being angry at him. He would take it too far. He wouldn't discuss what happened, only say nasty things to me, insulting, cutting things, he doesn't apologize. EVER, no matter how low what he said was.

 

He knew I was quitting drinking ( my binge drinking was getting a bit outta control, maybe 2-3 times a week)

I told him I needed to stop and he was supportive, but we got in an argument once and he said " isn't the liquor store still open?! Go pour some wine" low right?

 

He was going to be late ( an extra day) which is not a big deal except he's always late and changing plans, I could never count on him.

Anyway, I kinda lost my grip and said " I'm tired of being let down, this happens all the time!!!"

He responded " you're a letdown"

 

Last but not least. He was going to be working away for xmas, so I asked if he wanted to have our own christmas on a different day. He loved the idea, he was adamant we cut down a tree ( I just wanted to buy one, felt guilty about cutting one down) he insisted and was really excited because it reminded him of childhood. I was going to cook the whole turkey dinner, we went out and bought gifts to exchange with each other, decorated the house

Anyway, the night before " xmas" I had to work late so he went bowling with his friends, I asked him not to get drunk because he would be hung over for our day, he said he wouldn't.

When he came over later I saw his pupils we dilated, I asked him if he was on drugs, he admitted to using cocaine and drinking 8 beers. Nice.

Of course he was too hung over the next day and didn't want to get the tree.

 

Ugh! What a nightmare.

I guess I was feeling guilty because of the horrible things I had said when drinking, and I felt bad about being so difficult a lot. Like I drove him to act like this, ( he always said that) but you can't make someone be like that can you?

 

I am at fault for a lot, but do you think I drove him to be like that to me?

 

I know its for the best that it's over, but it's all so fresh and I'm so confused.

He made me out to be a horrible psycho and acts like I destroyed the relationship.

 

Now many of you are asking " why did you stay with this guy?!

He was good too. I know he was faithful to me, we had many good times, road trips, hanging out, cooking, we were very in love.

He would send surprise spa packages in the mail for me. ( $500)

Have flowers delivered to my house.

Texts everyday while at work, leave me a loving skype messages everyday or two, write me love letters, bought me a flight to pheonix, took me to meet all his friends and family, even the ones that lived 16 hours away, people told me how much he bragged about me ( that I was so sexy, cool, smart, amazing).

 

I feel like if I could've just been difficult and let things slide, he wouldn't have turned into such an a**hole.

 

Thanks for reading xoxo

[Philosoraptor]

There are two players here, and while you may have made mistakes so did he. And him blaming you for his actions just shows a manipulative nature.

 

The person you need forgiveness from is yourself. Focus on you right now and do your best to make your own life better. Once you have stabled yourself you will be able to find a healthy relationship which can be mutually beneficial. But right now your focus needs to be on nothing but making your own life what you want it to be.

[mightycpa]

It sounds like you were at fault, he was at fault, and when it all boils down to the nub of the matter, you may have been ready for each other, but you weren't ready for a relationship with each other.

 

I'm thinking you had two competing priorities. You wanted a love relationship, but you also wanted the feeling of being young and free. It is difficult to choose one over the other and they are largely irreconcilable.

 

It's too bad you couldn't do both, but young people have never really figured that out, so don't feel bad.

 

You can feel guilty and feel some shame. Just don't put it all on yourself, take a lesson and move forward. These are valuable lessons you've learned and you've paid the price. Don't fritter away their value later in your life.

[jus d'orange]

While you could've been an influence on his behaviour with your own, I think it's totally unfair on yourself to blame yourself for any of the ways he wronged you.

 

Ultimately, we all have a responsibility in a relationship for our own actions. At the moment, you're having a hard time reconciling all of the awful things he did with the way that he could be so wonderful, and you're asking yourself if you are to blame for the way that he could be cruel. The answer to that is no: he is obviously just as complicated of a person as anyone else and has his troubles, and love and breakups tend to make understanding and comprehension of complexity very difficult. We want black and white, and it just won't happen that way. He was responsible for his actions, both good and bad, but I can say this: the bad things he did made him an unsuitable person with whom to be in a relationship. He was manipulative and wanted to take credit for his good actions while blaming his bad actions on you.

 

Ridding oneself of blame and shame is part of the breakup process, but it sounds like you have a lot to deal with here. I haven't read all of your posts, but I can't recommend highly enough going and seeking professional help with this. Self-blame and shame is destructive in all aspects of life, not just in relationships, and there is NO shame in getting help to do this. My last relationship, which just ended, was not toxic like this, but I still am blaming myself for things that were out of my control. I am aware of this fact and I still struggle with it, so I'm getting help to overcome it. I recommend you do the same, and spend a while just focussing on yourself without worrying about being in a relationship. If you want to be a good partner in your next relationship, you will need to work on this anyway.

 

I wish you the best of luck in the healing process.