Author smg15 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Mmm ... it sounds a bit like you're projecting your insecurity about your looks onto others' behavior, when one might not have anything to do with the other. I get it—I used to weight well over 300 pounds, and so I still, half my former self, assume that others' reaction to me have something to do with how I look. It's taken a lot for me to believe at all that it could stem from something totally unrelated. Maybe this girl was just as nervous as you at first and didn't want anything. Or simply wasn't hungry. I agree, it is awkward and does nothing to help the other person feel at-ease, but that doesn't mean it had anything to do with her finding you physically unappealing. You're drawing that conclusion all on your own. She said that she was nervous too which is why I was uncomfortable. Shyness can give off the "not interested" vibe which is why I communicate better with a girl who is outgoing. But when someone says...."I don't want anything" two things went on in my head. 1. She wasn't impressed with me 2. She wasn't impressed with place I picked and wanted to leave So the meeting got off to a awful start
central Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I have a fear of being used. Lol You have a fear of being "used" for sex?
katiegrl Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 She said that she was nervous too which is why I was uncomfortable. Shyness can give off the "not interested" vibe which is why I communicate better with a girl who is outgoing. But when someone says...."I don't want anything" two things went on in my head. 1. She wasn't impressed with me 2. She wasn't impressed with place I picked and wanted to leave So the meeting got off to a awful start Me thinks you had those feelings in your head.. BEFORE ever even sitting down talking to her....coat or no coat. You *anticipated* that she wouldn't be impressed with you, etc. right from the get go. Due to your own anxiety and insecurity... As a result, THAT is the vibe you sent out...she sensed it, it made her uncomfortable and she got turned off.. Work on your own anxiety and insecurity about yourself...otherwise you will continue to get rejected... and feeling even worse about yourself than you already do... 1
Versacehottie Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Well I called and she told me my nervousness turned her off. I was doing a lot of shaking and didn't look comfortable. That's because when I first arrived at the cafe and asked her what she wanted her response was "NOTHING" so the anxiety started because I took that as her being disappointed in me physically. So that statement by her set the NERVOUS TONE We supposed to see each other again soon Ok, wait.......so she wanted 'nothing' from a coffee shop and you are worried that there is a chance she is using you money-wise???!?!??! ......Um, ok. Seriously, check yourself before you wreck yourself. This is just tough love from me. I can sense your anxiety, etc from rest of your post so I feel bad. And I want people who have the courage to be introspective and post asking for advice to succeed. She wants to go out again so that's a miracle. You need to drop the rule about the girl contacting the first time after the date. Why, you ask? Because all of the girls you will be dating don't know that you are operating under that rule!! Therefore, you will miss some decent to truly good girls because of an arbitrary rule. It only will hurt your dating prospects. On top of that, the way that the majority of dating is, as people have posted, is that the girl will expect you to contact them to ask out again--it's just a general thing that at the beginning the majority of girls will expect that if YOU'RE interested you will pursue them. I'm not commenting on whether that's right or wrong here--it's just the way it happens. Why would you want to shut yourself out of that if you have interest yourself? You just have to take the "feeling" that caused you to come up with this rule and make it a "standard" of yours and apply it to your evaluation of the girl. Sounds like you want to be appreciated for your generosity of taking a girl out and reassured that she is interested. These are normal things to expect and want. You should find a variety of ways to measure that rather than ONE arbitrary text or phone call. She can show interest and enthusiasm overall. She can be caring and so on and so forth. She should be grateful and thank you for the date. Try to incorporate some of this instead. ps. your date sounded a little rude to say she didn't like the coffee shop. hmmmm, how hard is it to like a coffee shop? Bottom line it should be about the company you are with. It doesn't sound like the first date went so great on either end. Hopefully the second will be better. Good luck 2
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 What do you mean soon? How went that conversation? Can I get an answer please........
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 ps. your date sounded a little rude to say she didn't like the coffee shop. hmmmm, how hard is it to like a coffee shop? SHE didn't say she didn't like the coffee shop, the OP deduced in his head that she didn't like the coffee shop. 2
Author smg15 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Can I get an answer please........ We talked for 2 hours on the phone last night and will see each other next week
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 That sounds good, but make a date - time and place. 1
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 We talked for 2 hours on the phone last night and will see each other next week Geeezzzzz then what's the problem? but you did not fully answer my question. When do you meet next week? you got a specific day set up? and if you don't have a specific date, why?
Author smg15 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Ok, wait.......so she wanted 'nothing' from a coffee shop and you are worried that there is a chance she is using you money-wise???!?!??! ......Um, ok. Seriously, check yourself before you wreck yourself. This is just tough love from me. I can sense your anxiety, etc from rest of your post so I feel bad. And I want people who have the courage to be introspective and post asking for advice to succeed. She wants to go out again so that's a miracle. You need to drop the rule about the girl contacting the first time after the date. Why, you ask? Because all of the girls you will be dating don't know that you are operating under that rule!! Therefore, you will miss some decent to truly good girls because of an arbitrary rule. It only will hurt your dating prospects. On top of that, the way that the majority of dating is, as people have posted, is that the girl will expect you to contact them to ask out again--it's just a general thing that at the beginning the majority of girls will expect that if YOU'RE interested you will pursue them. I'm not commenting on whether that's right or wrong here--it's just the way it happens. Why would you want to shut yourself out of that if you have interest yourself? You just have to take the "feeling" that caused you to come up with this rule and make it a "standard" of yours and apply it to your evaluation of the girl. Sounds like you want to be appreciated for your generosity of taking a girl out and reassured that she is interested. These are normal things to expect and want. You should find a variety of ways to measure that rather than ONE arbitrary text or phone call. She can show interest and enthusiasm overall. She can be caring and so on and so forth. She should be grateful and thank you for the date. Try to incorporate some of this instead. ps. your date sounded a little rude to say she didn't like the coffee shop. hmmmm, how hard is it to like a coffee shop? Bottom line it should be about the company you are with. It doesn't sound like the first date went so great on either end. Hopefully the second will be better. Good luck I didn't say she had to contact me first after a date, I said in between dates I would like her to be the one to initiate contact sometimes instead of just me. I don't think a guy should do all the contacting and paying
katiegrl Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 We talked for 2 hours on the phone last night and will see each other next week Hmmm... really? You don't sound very excited. To the contrary, you sound sort of "meh" about it... I dunno something about this new "development" isn't jiving for me...
Versacehottie Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 SHE didn't say she didn't like the coffee shop, the OP deduced in his head that she didn't like the coffee shop. ohhhh, duh lol. jesus he is a bundle of nerves then.
Author smg15 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Geeezzzzz then what's the problem? but you did not fully answer my question. When do you meet next week? you got a specific day set up? and if you don't have a specific date, why? Probably next weekend. She works 12pm to 9pm and wasn't available this weekend so next saturday
rester Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Well I called and she told me my nervousness turned her off. I was doing a lot of shaking and didn't look comfortable. That's because when I first arrived at the cafe and asked her what she wanted her response was "NOTHING" so the anxiety started because I took that as her being disappointed in me physically. So that statement by her set the NERVOUS TONE We supposed to see each other again soon I think it's very weird she didn't want to order anything, but it would be helpful to not read into the things she says with negative thoughts about yourself. I know that's easier said than done, but you need to take what someone says at face value. If they mean something different, that's their own damn problem.
MidwestUSA Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I didn't say she had to contact me first after a date, I said in between dates I would like her to be the one to initiate contact sometimes instead of just me. I don't think a guy should do all the contacting and paying This is what you said: "That you want to see the girl make an effort to contact you first so you will know for a fact she is interested and not trying to get a free night out. Lol" Now you're saying "sometimes". Which is it? Your rules are going to severely limit you. Given that a second date should be set up before the end of the first, your whole strategy is moot anyway. 2
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Probably next weekend. She works 12pm to 9pm and wasn't available this weekend so next saturday Next time you talk to her book a day and a time for your next date even if it's 7 days ahead otherwise someone else will book her free time.
Versacehottie Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 That you want to see the girl make an effort to contact you first so you will know for a fact she is interested and not trying to get a free night out. Lol I'm on a budget and can't afford to ask someone out if they are not contacting me first after a date. I mean if she contacts me first atleast once then im.cool. But I can't do the chasing and all the contacting. I just cant listen, don't see how i'm misunderstanding your position. trust me, you'd be better off with my advice than without it, lol. No girl is trying to get a "free night out" from a tightwad. At a coffee shop. NO GIRL. Most girls have high hopes that you will be a great guy who makes her happy. You should work on trying to see girls differently--rather than starting off seeing them as people who want to TAKE from you. Antagonistic and will always lead to unhappiness--even if you manage to get a gf. 1
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I think it's very weird she didn't want to order anything Yes it is weird but I can think of a few stupid reasons like if she is nervous she knows a drink will give her stomach cramps, or she is on a low carb diet and everything there is full of sugar, I am extrapolating but sometimes people are that much weird. 1
rester Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 She said that she was nervous too which is why I was uncomfortable. Shyness can give off the "not interested" vibe which is why I communicate better with a girl who is outgoing. But when someone says...."I don't want anything" two things went on in my head. 1. She wasn't impressed with me 2. She wasn't impressed with place I picked and wanted to leave So the meeting got off to a awful start Even if that's what she was thinking, those are both her problems, and not yours. Neither situation is the end of the world. Either one of you can get up and leave at any moment without using hidden messages. How would the date have gone differently if after she had said she didn't want to order anything, that you thought, "she must be nervous because I'm so damn cute"? 3
Versacehottie Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Yes it is weird but I can think of a few stupid reasons like if she is nervous she knows a drink will give her stomach cramps, or she is on a low carb diet and everything there is full of sugar, I am extrapolating but sometimes people are that much weird. I'd bet she said nothing because she didn't want to stay long or settle in. It is weird tho
katiegrl Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Probably next weekend. She works 12pm to 9pm and wasn't available this weekend so next saturday Again you sound really "meh" about this. .. I mean *maybe* and *probably*?? ....Ugh!!! This so called "date" ain't gonna happen dude...
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 And the coat thing ! He was waiting for her to take her coat off and she didn't so he kept his coat on as well. I bet you this girl went home and told her girlfriends 'he didn't even take his coat off so I kept mine on'. 2
Author smg15 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 You have a fear of being "used" for sex? No, used for a free night out
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Yes it is weird but I can think of a few stupid reasons like if she is nervous she knows a drink will give her stomach cramps, or she is on a low carb diet and everything there is full of sugar, I am extrapolating but sometimes people are that much weird. She perhaps doesn't drink coffee, so doesn't frequent coffee shops very often. I think she eventually had a drinking chocolate
rester Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Yes it is weird but I can think of a few stupid reasons like if she is nervous she knows a drink will give her stomach cramps, or she is on a low carb diet and everything there is full of sugar, I am extrapolating but sometimes people are that much weird. I agree. If anything, her not ordering a drink would be a turn off for me and I would be more relaxed because I would not be very impressed. I can understand smg's thoughts to a point, though. He needs to not worry so much about women liking him or not, and turn it around to whether he likes them or not.
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