Why is it so difficult to find someone who wants to get serious?

[fakedrs]

Mid-20s male and already I'm feeling at wits end. Got out of a 4 year relationship last year, no bad blood but it had been long distance for over a year and our paths didn't seem to be converging. Amicable but heartbreaking.

 

I took a needed few months off the romance scene but started searching again late last year. Thus far, plenty of dates with nothing to show. I'm not sure, maybe I'm old fashioned but I always feel uncomfortable with dating multiple women at a time (I admit I am though at the moment, it almost feels like you have to these days) so after a month+, depending on how close I feel we are, I usually bring up the topic of exclusivity. No bueno. Hell, the last time I did it (last week) I honestly felt like she looked at me as if I were crazy and that it was highly abnormal thing to want at our ages. That obviously ended a few days back. I'm not offering up a marriage prorposal, I'm asking that we take each other seriously and see where it might end up.

 

It wasn't just her though, it was a few others. I just don't know, honestly I already feel 'old'; old in the fact that I wondering how other men/women aren't done with their experimenting or whatever they wanna call it. Old in the fact that I know that as I grow in years, whether it's logical or not, I'll grow resentful towards women in a romantic sense wondering why I was able to 'grow' out of that phase quickly but they weren't. How would I not shake the feeling that we were just both 'settling'? Call me crazy but I'd prefer to be alone at that point.

 

Sorry, this definitely came off as more ranty than I intended. Just wondering if any guys were dealing with the same more or less.

[Drifterofwood]

Mid-20s male and already I'm feeling at wits end. Got out of a 4 year relationship last year, no bad blood but it had been long distance for over a year and our paths didn't seem to be converging. Amicable but heartbreaking.

 

I took a needed few months off the romance scene but started searching again late last year. Thus far, plenty of dates with nothing to show. I'm not sure, maybe I'm old fashioned but I always feel uncomfortable with dating multiple women at a time (I admit I am though at the moment, it almost feels like you have to these days) so after a month+, depending on how close I feel we are, I usually bring up the topic of exclusivity. No bueno. Hell, the last time I did it (last week) I honestly felt like she looked at me as if I were crazy and that it was highly abnormal thing to want at our ages. That obviously ended a few days back. I'm not offering up a marriage prorposal, I'm asking that we take each other seriously and see where it might end up.

 

It wasn't just her though, it was a few others. I just don't know, honestly I already feel 'old'; old in the fact that I wondering how other men/women aren't done with their experimenting or whatever they wanna call it. Old in the fact that I know that as I grow in years, whether it's logical or not, I'll grow resentful towards women in a romantic sense wondering why I was able to 'grow' out of that phase quickly but they weren't. How would I not shake the feeling that we were just both 'settling'? Call me crazy but I'd prefer to be alone at that point.

 

Sorry, this definitely came off as more ranty than I intended. Just wondering if any guys were dealing with the same more or less.

 

This is exactly how I feel. I'm also in my mid-20s (25) and a lot of women I've talked to and tried dating never seemed to want take it as serious as I want to.

 

I assume they just want to weigh their options. Heck, a lot of these girls still go clubbing so I don't think they are ready yet.

[rdet123]

I honestly think that's just the dating game. I've come across guys that way too, that just want to play the field. It's all a numbers game really until you find someone who is on the same path as you

[smackie9]

Sorry but not every woman age 25 is looking for a husband. If you are on OLD, look for a site that is specific to what you are looking for.

 

If all you see is party girls then you are looking in the wrong places.

 

Or you don't offer what they want.

 

Change your game.

[fakedrs]

This is exactly how I feel. I'm also in my mid-20s (25) and a lot of women I've talked to and tried dating never seemed to want take it as serious as I want to.

 

I assume they just want to weigh their options. Heck, a lot of these girls still go clubbing so I don't think they are ready yet.

 

The odd thing is I very much go out of my way to avoid the bar/club scene women. Neither has ever really appealed to me. I actually prefer the more homebody type yet here I still sit.

 

Almost in ironic fashion, I'm thinking of asking one of the previous women I dated if she would like to give us another chance. We dated for 3 months and and it was evident from the beginning she was more into me than vice versa then she told me she was a virgin (by choice) and dropping some STRONG hints and it was just too much for me. Not wanting to cause her more anguish I broke it off. I guess after 'playing the field', I've come to find there really aren't many women like her or my ex. We still chat and are on friendly terms... still I don't believe it would be for the best.

[kendahke]

Where are you looking for these women? Tindr?

 

I think you need to not use hook up sites if you're looking for serious commitment and exclusivity. You might want to use eHarmony or Match. OKC, POF, Tindr, Badoo dont' strike me as being populated by people who are looking for long term relationships. Yes there are some there who are, but they tend to be way older than what you're looking for. I met and am involved with a lovely gentleman who I met on OKC, which is the last place I thought I'd meet someone, who was serious enough to call back, get past the 3rd date, ask me if we could be a couple, etc.

 

You're never going to find palm trees in the Pacific Northwest forests. Pay attention to where you're looking.

 

Almost in ironic fashion, I'm thinking of asking one of the previous women I dated if she would like to give us another chance. We dated for 3 months and and it was evident from the beginning she was more into me than vice versa then she told me she was a virgin (by choice) and dropping some STRONG hints and it was just too much for me. Not wanting to cause her more anguish I broke it off. I guess after 'playing the field', I've come to find there really aren't many women like her or my ex. We still chat and are on friendly terms... still I don't believe it would be for the best.

 

then don't do it. If you're not 100% invested in a relationship with her, you'll only be leading her on and hurting her in the end. She deserves someone who is thrilled to be with her, not esteem her as someone who will do in a pinch.

[Drifterofwood]

The odd thing is I very much go out of my way to avoid the bar/club scene women. Neither has ever really appealed to me. I actually prefer the more homebody type yet here I still sit.

 

Almost in ironic fashion, I'm thinking of asking one of the previous women I dated if she would like to give us another chance. We dated for 3 months and and it was evident from the beginning she was more into me than vice versa then she told me she was a virgin (by choice) and dropping some STRONG hints and it was just too much for me. Not wanting to cause her more anguish I broke it off. I guess after 'playing the field', I've come to find there really aren't many women like her or my ex. We still chat and are on friendly terms... still I don't believe it would be for the best.

 

I, too, try to avoid those scenes, but some women I meet talk about how they go clubbing and such. There are also the occasional IG photos that can tell you about a person.

 

It's exactly like what one of the other replies said. It's unfortunately a numbers game. Until we run into someone that shares a similar mindset it will be hard to commit. I feel like we're at the age where we shouldn't play 'games,' and everything should be straight forward, but maybe that's just how I feel. Of course we are not looking for marriage like one of the other replies believes.

 

I don't think getting back with that girl you broke it off with is a good idea.

 

Just have to be patient with prospects I guess.

[sadsoymilk]

I am a girl and I have many of the same frustrations. Pretty much all of the guys I meet are just looking for a hookup - most of them right away, too, before we hardly even know each other. Maybe I'm not a "normal" college student, but I find that weird.

 

All I can offer by means of advice is just to keep trying.. girls who think about relationships the way you do DO exist, they're just not as common I guess. Don't lose hope!

[Eaglestar83]

I feel your pain, it really is a game of numbers. Sadly most people, boys and girls, are now days very shallow and selfish in their twenties to think about commitment. Generally speaking, people finally come round and stop being so self centred in their mid to late thirties now days so you have a long road ahead of you. If by any chance you come across someone serious, consider yourself lucky and cherish them.

[Buddhist]

Old in the fact that I know that as I grow in years, whether it's logical or not, I'll grow resentful towards women in a romantic sense wondering why I was able to 'grow' out of that phase quickly but they weren't. How would I not shake the feeling that we were just both 'settling'? Call me crazy but I'd prefer to be alone at that point.

 

Sorry, this definitely came off as more ranty than I intended. Just wondering if any guys were dealing with the same more or less.

 

I'm not a guy but I left relationships behind permanently for exactly the reasons you state and also the realisation that I'm just happier, more stable and financially better off without a partner.

 

I don't resent guys over it but my experience was that immaturity is rampant, people aren't looking for adult relationships they are seeking ego gratification and as soon as the honeymoon's over they are off looking for their next hormonal high. Nearly every guy I met was looking for a surrogate mother that he could have sex with. It's just very unappealing and ultimately exhausting too.

 

I like being solo a lot. Unfortunately in this age where people judge their self worth by the number of facebook contacts, online attention and how hot their photo's look. There just isn't a lot of internal development happening and people remain children in their intellect for a very long time.

 

The widespread proliferation of books advocating certain 'rules' in dating etc just serves to prevent people from maturing even more. Rather than having a negative experience and coming to their own conclusions about what to do, they open one of these books and get the idea.....

 

Oh! It's because I didn't follow rule #24.

 

Stupid. No, its because either you or the person you are seeing is still acting like a teenager, testing the other person in passive aggressive attempts to prove their attraction or not.

 

If I wanted a kid, I would have had one. I certainly don't want to mother a kid that never grew up. Mostly I came to the conclusion that very few people are willing to do inner work, they just want to find someone who makes up for everything they lack. I've got better things to do.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Buddhist

[PogoStick]

I'll translate: you are telling women that you want a relationship and they are rejecting you. Of course you're upset and bitter.

 

The truth: if women were truly attracted to you they would be wanting YOU to commit to them.

 

I'm in a class with 40 women, most are in their early 20's. 50% have rings already, another 40% have boyfriends. Several already have kids, and several are engaged. Point is, they ARE settling down with someone.

[fakedrs]

I'll translate: you are telling women that you want a relationship and they are rejecting you. Of course you're upset and bitter.

 

The truth: if women were truly attracted to you they would be wanting YOU to commit to them.

 

I'm in a class with 40 women, most are in their early 20's. 50% have rings already, another 40% have boyfriends. Several already have kids, and several are engaged. Point is, they ARE settling down with someone.

Don't want to sound rude, but I'd definitely bet money that Seattle's dating/romance scene is a complete about face from Iowa's. The fact that I've been actively dating as much as I have as a single male alone makes me a statstical anomoly here, nevermind a relationship given the age group. Though perhaps you have a point though in another sense though, although I was raised in Washington, maybe it's time to move on to more quiet pastures haha.

 

Buddhist, are you perhaps under the age of 30 still? Cause... maybe

[CrystalShine2011]

Usually when you don't try to find the right person, you will find them. Are you looking in the wrong places perhaps?

[Buddhist]

Buddhist, are you perhaps under the age of 30 still? Cause... maybe

 

No, definately not in that age group but I appreciate the jest.

[GG3]

I'm not a guy but I left relationships behind permanently for exactly the reasons you state and also the realisation that I'm just happier, more stable and financially better off without a partner.

 

I don't resent guys over it but my experience was that immaturity is rampant, people aren't looking for adult relationships they are seeking ego gratification and as soon as the honeymoon's over they are off looking for their next hormonal high. Nearly every guy I met was looking for a surrogate mother that he could have sex with. It's just very unappealing and ultimately exhausting too.

 

I like being solo a lot. Unfortunately in this age where people judge their self worth by the number of facebook contacts, online attention and how hot their photo's look. There just isn't a lot of internal development happening and people remain children in their intellect for a very long time.

 

The widespread proliferation of books advocating certain 'rules' in dating etc just serves to prevent people from maturing even more. Rather than having a negative experience and coming to their own conclusions about what to do, they open one of these books and get the idea.....

 

Oh! It's because I didn't follow rule #24.

 

Stupid. No, its because either you or the person you are seeing is still acting like a teenager, testing the other person in passive aggressive attempts to prove their attraction or not.

 

If I wanted a kid, I would have had one. I certainly don't want to mother a kid that never grew up. Mostly I came to the conclusion that very few people are willing to do inner work, they just want to find someone who makes up for everything they lack. I've got better things to do.

 

You just said everything I have been feeling for the past few years. I'm almost 36 and I have given up for the reasons you have stated.

[Elias33]

Mid-20s male and already I'm feeling at wits end. Got out of a 4 year relationship last year, no bad blood but it had been long distance for over a year and our paths didn't seem to be converging. Amicable but heartbreaking.

 

I took a needed few months off the romance scene but started searching again late last year. Thus far, plenty of dates with nothing to show. I'm not sure, maybe I'm old fashioned but I always feel uncomfortable with dating multiple women at a time (I admit I am though at the moment, it almost feels like you have to these days) so after a month+, depending on how close I feel we are, I usually bring up the topic of exclusivity. No bueno. Hell, the last time I did it (last week) I honestly felt like she looked at me as if I were crazy and that it was highly abnormal thing to want at our ages. That obviously ended a few days back. I'm not offering up a marriage prorposal, I'm asking that we take each other seriously and see where it might end up.

 

It wasn't just her though, it was a few others. I just don't know, honestly I already feel 'old'; old in the fact that I wondering how other men/women aren't done with their experimenting or whatever they wanna call it. Old in the fact that I know that as I grow in years, whether it's logical or not, I'll grow resentful towards women in a romantic sense wondering why I was able to 'grow' out of that phase quickly but they weren't. How would I not shake the feeling that we were just both 'settling'? Call me crazy but I'd prefer to be alone at that point.

 

Sorry, this definitely came off as more ranty than I intended. Just wondering if any guys were dealing with the same more or less.

 

It is challenging, but don't give up. I do not date multiple people as well, I want to take the time for one individual only. I don't think you are alone in this. We live now in a fast paced, quick results, disposable, society. People are quickly to turn around on you. Stay yourself, do not settle, aim for what you want, by being who you are. I definitively am going through the same thing, but am approaching 40 rapidly. Scary, but I cannot do it another way.

[neowulf]

I don't resent guys over it but my experience was that immaturity is rampant, people aren't looking for adult relationships they are seeking ego gratification and as soon as the honeymoon's over they are off looking for their next hormonal high. Nearly every guy I met was looking for a surrogate mother that he could have sex with. It's just very unappealing and ultimately exhausting too.

 

If I wanted a kid, I would have had one. I certainly don't want to mother a kid that never grew up. Mostly I came to the conclusion that very few people are willing to do inner work, they just want to find someone who makes up for everything they lack. I've got better things to do.

 

I'm curious about that immaturity issue, as it's been mentioned a few times before. What exactly does it look like?

 

Is it related to men not wanting to settle down?

Not willing to make sacrifices?

Not holding down a job? Or taking care of himself, his home?

Poor communication / negotiation skills?

Going out drinking every weekend with "the boys".

 

I hear the phrase "immature" a lot, but I'm curious with todays flexible standards of both morality and gender roles what it exactly looks like.

 

I this gut feeling a lot of men simply don't *know* what's expected of them anymore.

[Buddhist]

I'm curious about that immaturity issue, as it's been mentioned a few times before. What exactly does it look like?

 

Is it related to men not wanting to settle down?

Not willing to make sacrifices?

Not holding down a job? Or taking care of himself, his home?

Poor communication / negotiation skills?

Going out drinking every weekend with "the boys".

 

I hear the phrase "immature" a lot, but I'm curious with todays flexible standards of both morality and gender roles what it exactly looks like.

 

I this gut feeling a lot of men simply don't *know* what's expected of them anymore.

 

It's not related only to men but to people and appears in both genders. In my book immaturity presents as....

 

* An unwillingness to be real with other people. These are the people who are insecure and passive aggressively try and get the other person to admit their feelings first, seek constant validation and approval for themselves while simultaneously holding back expressions of affection. It's common game playing rather than getting to know the other person.

 

It presents as go out on two dates and seem eager. Then suddenly drop off the planet for a week in some weak attempt to inspire feelings of insecurity in the person they're dating and to illicit multiple txt msgs from them while providing no reply. They are fishing for signs of attraction and validation that this person's into them.

 

If you're keen, you're keen. Don't put some arbitrary brake on a process in motion to satisfy some stupid rule or in an attempt to get the upper hand by having the other person more into you, than you are with them. Kid stuff.

 

* Chronic indecision. People engaged in on again off again romances or thinking they might commit one day....but they just need to take a break right now and think things over etc. As far as I'm concerned if you've been with someone several months, you know enough to be able to make this decision. Taking breaks and breaking up with the idea of getting back to together again is a way to avoid being fully in the relationship with the other person. It's often also a way to get the hormone honeymoon back and stall the relationship taking the next step into greater commitment.

 

If the commitment scares you or you know that you don't actually want it. Then you sacrifice the relationship and walk away completely. You don't turn your back with your foot still in the door.

 

* I'm dating other people. I have nothing against people trying out all possible options before settling on one. We all fondle the apples before we buy them. But what commonly happens is people start taking a bite out of all the apples then putting them back. In other words stealing affection, attention and time from multiple partners while making no choice at all in order to have their cake and eat it too. It's relationship sampling which once again ensures that they will not bond with any partner to any great degree while getting their hormonal hit continually. Any request for exclusivity with these people usually ends up in refusal and their disappearance.

 

* Deceptions. How can you expect to have any kind understanding with another person when all they are giving you is lies?

 

* Refusal to communicate during times of stress. People who totally withdraw as soon as a bump in the road is met and refuse to discuss any issue acting as if you have screamed at them, when all you want to do is have a calm talk. Not a good sign. How can you resolve anything with a person who refuses to participate? Same with people who totally withdraw and come back and inform you of their decision, rather than involving you in it. If a partnership is what you are seeking, there is no partnership with individuals that won't include you.

 

* Displays of detachment. This is just a fragile ego protecting itself by attempting to hold the object of affection in contempt. So if something goes wrong they can just tell themselves...I'm not hurt, rather than deal with the normal emotional process of letting go. If you can't get emotionally invested in a relationship because you've been hurt before etc etc...then for Gods sake. Don't get into a relationship, get into a therapists office instead. That's the place to work out your neurosis.

 

* Displays of co-dependency. If you cannot live on your own, be single happily for a decent stretch of time and need a partner to complete your life, I'm running. I'm not your completion and if you use the word soulmate I will take that as co-dependant code for 'I can't be bothered doing the real work of being whole, so I'm hoping you'll just do that for me.'

 

That's all I can think of right now. But it's pretty much the core of it. I don't particularly care about someone's career status, financial status or socialising if it's pretty typical and doesn't involve stupid risk taking. It's more to do with how they handle emotional load than anything else. People with low emotional resilience typically act out, and then project and blame, rather than work on a relationship. Relationships are very hard at the best of times, you need someone emotionally resilient.

[mightycpa]

It's weird, isn't it? I mean how a person might be more interested in someone rather than something? Like they don't trust a person who wants a "relationship" rather than someone who responds to an individual they meet?

 

Ok, end of sarcasm. Count me as someone whose alarm bells went off when I met someone who was looking for their next relationship without much regard for who I might be.

 

Needy didn't even begin to cover it.

 

I'm pretty sure the question "why" was being asked.

[travelbug1996]

In order to have a successful relationship a person has to be

 

Honest with themselves about what they want

Become the kind of person they want to attract

Have the willingness to self reflect and be self aware

willing to be vulnerable

 

Unfortunately, this is a tall order for most people so they would prefer to get naked and have sex first hoping to parlay that into a relationship but after a few months maybe a year it blows up. Usually, because most people have no idea how to really function in a mature relationship.

 

Most people settle for sex because they don't know how to love and stay committed.

[PogoStick]

Don't want to sound rude, but I'd definitely bet money that Seattle's dating/romance scene is a complete about face from Iowa's.

 

I'm not sure what you're imagining Iowa to be. Did you know there are cities there? I would agree that those women are willing to get into family mode earlier than in a major metro. But to suggest that Seattle women aren't interested in a monogamous relationship is ridiculous.

 

Further, I've lived in other areas of the country. Denver for example, I'm willing to bet it's similar enough to Seattle. And crazy enough, women there have boyfriends. In fact, I haven't been to a city in the entire US where 20-something girls don't have boyfriends.

[Erised]

Everyone has the place they are at in their lives. I'm older and not too young to get serious (and have been married before) but not in a good mental place for it right now.

 

Even when I was, however, I was cautious of guys who brought it up too soon because if you've, y'know, been a female for a day... you've ran into guys who want a relationship rather than you, and you are just a convenient placeholder that any attractive enough girl could fit into. It's dehumanizing. They don't want you because of you, so much as you to play a role in their head that they need filled. These guys (and not saying that's you) are in love with the idea of love, and thus have an incredibly shallow view on what love really means.

(I'm sure there's girls like this too.)

 

That could cause some caution if you speak of specifically wanting something serious too soon.

[Elias33]

Everyone has the place they are at in their lives. I'm older and not too young to get serious (and have been married before) but not in a good mental place for it right now.

 

Even when I was, however, I was cautious of guys who brought it up too soon because if you've, y'know, been a female for a day... you've ran into guys who want a relationship rather than you, and you are just a convenient placeholder that any attractive enough girl could fit into. It's dehumanizing. They don't want you because of you, so much as you to play a role in their head that they need filled. These guys (and not saying that's you) are in love with the idea of love, and thus have an incredibly shallow view on what love really means.

(I'm sure there's girls like this too.)

 

That could cause some caution if you speak of specifically wanting something serious too soon.

 

You make a very good point. On the other tip of the scale, there are people who want serious, and aim for the prize immediately. That can be very claustrophobic.

 

What I would mean with serious though, is that people have a little regard for one another. There's people who want to have a more super-visual relationship, maybe just to have a warm place to put it, if you will. And as mentioned in this thread, some look for a stroke of the ego. And this while there are people out there that are seriously looking to connect.

 

Serious doesn't have to mean, marriage, or commitment (in the context of a serious relationship). Serious may include that you are mindful of what you want, and make sure the other person knows of it. Being serious about a person means you are mindful, even if it only lasts 3 dates. The show of some courtesy and decency.

[neowulf]

It's not related only to men but to people and appears in both genders. In my book immaturity presents as....

 

* An unwillingness to be real with other people. These are the people who are insecure and passive aggressively try and get the other person to admit their feelings first, seek constant validation and approval for themselves while simultaneously holding back expressions of affection. It's common game playing rather than getting to know the other person.

 

It presents as go out on two dates and seem eager. Then suddenly drop off the planet for a week in some weak attempt to inspire feelings of insecurity in the person they're dating and to illicit multiple txt msgs from them while providing no reply. They are fishing for signs of attraction and validation that this person's into them.

 

If you're keen, you're keen. Don't put some arbitrary brake on a process in motion to satisfy some stupid rule or in an attempt to get the upper hand by having the other person more into you, than you are with them. Kid stuff.

 

* Chronic indecision. People engaged in on again off again romances or thinking they might commit one day....but they just need to take a break right now and think things over etc. As far as I'm concerned if you've been with someone several months, you know enough to be able to make this decision. Taking breaks and breaking up with the idea of getting back to together again is a way to avoid being fully in the relationship with the other person. It's often also a way to get the hormone honeymoon back and stall the relationship taking the next step into greater commitment.

 

If the commitment scares you or you know that you don't actually want it. Then you sacrifice the relationship and walk away completely. You don't turn your back with your foot still in the door.

 

* I'm dating other people. I have nothing against people trying out all possible options before settling on one. We all fondle the apples before we buy them. But what commonly happens is people start taking a bite out of all the apples then putting them back. In other words stealing affection, attention and time from multiple partners while making no choice at all in order to have their cake and eat it too. It's relationship sampling which once again ensures that they will not bond with any partner to any great degree while getting their hormonal hit continually. Any request for exclusivity with these people usually ends up in refusal and their disappearance.

 

* Deceptions. How can you expect to have any kind understanding with another person when all they are giving you is lies?

 

* Refusal to communicate during times of stress. People who totally withdraw as soon as a bump in the road is met and refuse to discuss any issue acting as if you have screamed at them, when all you want to do is have a calm talk. Not a good sign. How can you resolve anything with a person who refuses to participate? Same with people who totally withdraw and come back and inform you of their decision, rather than involving you in it. If a partnership is what you are seeking, there is no partnership with individuals that won't include you.

 

* Displays of detachment. This is just a fragile ego protecting itself by attempting to hold the object of affection in contempt. So if something goes wrong they can just tell themselves...I'm not hurt, rather than deal with the normal emotional process of letting go. If you can't get emotionally invested in a relationship because you've been hurt before etc etc...then for Gods sake. Don't get into a relationship, get into a therapists office instead. That's the place to work out your neurosis.

 

* Displays of co-dependency. If you cannot live on your own, be single happily for a decent stretch of time and need a partner to complete your life, I'm running. I'm not your completion and if you use the word soulmate I will take that as co-dependant code for 'I can't be bothered doing the real work of being whole, so I'm hoping you'll just do that for me.'

 

Thanks for that. Very interesting thoughts.

 

Some of them I completely understand and agree with.

Others I feel a little more on the fence about.

 

e.g.

* Refusal to communicate

Some people simply can't "talk it out" in real time. They literally can't come to any conclusions in the moment. They need the time to go away and reflect and think on things. This doesn't have to automatically mean they're refusing to communicate. It's simply a different mode of communication.

 

I understand the value of having high standards, but I also think people go overboard and forget that people are.. well, human.

 

I look at a lot of behaviour in the dating scene and can't help but wonder if it's a side effect of people just grabbing at straws.

 

They don't know how to conduct themselves. Things that are taken for granted by some, simply aren't *taught* to others.

 

It's like complaining people don't have manners when they've never been taught manners a day in their lives.

 

Sometimes I think we've all been beaten up so much by dating, that any kindness the sexes might have once shared has been completely eroded.

 

Thank you for taking the time to articulate your thoughts though. It was very enlightening.

[Buddhist]

Others I feel a little more on the fence about.

 

I don't think these things are applied in as black and white manner IRL as they appear when put into bullet point form though. Generally I would be looking for a consistent pattern of behaviour in that kind of thing. In the communication aspect you highlighted for example.

 

Sure people do have different communication styles, but if there is going to be any compatibility in the longterm you have to find a way to make them mesh on some level. A bit of give and take on both sides. When I wrote that down I was referencing a relationship in which my partner would literally get up from a conversation and go sit on the balcony or hours refusing to even look or talk to me at all. And sometimes this would carry on for days. It wasn't a just needing to be in his man cave for a while to think things over. It was a full blown punishment/reward silent treatment cycle, which is different to a mismatch in communication styles.

 

It's just hard to get that across when you are mentally checking off all the things that have ruined relationships in the past. And it's also difficult to come up with examples that accurately portray what you mean without writing a life history to accompany it.