Josmatjes Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 So my A has been over quite awhile now. But I'm thinking it happened for a reason. I'm just not in love with my husband and I'm checked out. He says I'm not trying but I don't believe feelings can be forced. I want happiness and I feel I deserve it. I want to ask for a divorce and not for my AP. he is gone and their is no hope for that scenario. When is the best time to ask? Can anyone give me advice on this. I am afraid I'm making a mistake but if I'm truthful with myself I've been checked out for quite awhile now. I do miss my AP but that just reinforces my feelings that I need to start a new chapter in my life and leave both men behind......
Biere123 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Fear is natural and to be expected. You know in your heart the right thing to do. Think 5, 10, 15 years down the road, both of you deserve happiness.
Author Josmatjes Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 We separated for two weeks over the summer. He just came back and he was with his mom the whole time and eating good, getting his laundry done, golfing! It didn't help. I told him about an hour ago I wanted a divorce and he is trying to guilt me into staying.... Telling me I am ruining our family and our kids.. I keep trying to tell him that whether our kids are ok or messed up it is up to us and how we handle things....
Popsicle Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 There is no best time. You just have to grit and do it. You also should ask to have this thread moved to the marriage or divorce section. Unless of course, this really is about the AP or A.
Author Josmatjes Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 I wasn't sure where to put this thread. I guess it could be both, because my affair opened my eyes to everything that I want and everything I'm not getting...
Popsicle Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I wasn't sure where to put this thread. I guess it could be both, because my affair opened my eyes to everything that I want and everything I'm not getting... Yeah but people will make this about you wanting the AP. Plus you will get more varied advice from that section. I'd ask to have it moved. If you are truly still bringing up the A and divorce in the same breath, then it is too soon after the A to D. I'd give it more time until your thoughts of D are completely independent. 1
Author Josmatjes Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) I wanted a divorce long before AP. Edited February 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Friskyone4u Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 You being checks out prior to A is not abnormal and probably was a contributing factor. From what I have read, most women are somewhat checked out before any physical affair starts. If you are convinced you are not in love with your husband you are doing the right thing. If you stay and nothing changes you will eventually wind up in another affair. Probably should have done this before your affair but at least you have learned 1
carhill Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 So my A has been over quite awhile now. But I'm thinking it happened for a reason. What is a reason which comes to mind? I'm just not in love with my husband and I'm checked out. He says I'm not trying but I don't believe feelings can be forced. I want happiness and I feel I deserve it. I asked the prior question because love, or lack, or being 'checked out' emotionally, aren't 'reasons'. They're feelings. I want to ask for a divorce and not for my AP. he is gone and their is no hope for that scenario. Unless you live somewhere where permission is required to file a lawsuit, no need to ask. Simply file the lawsuit and proceed. When is the best time to ask? Can anyone give me advice on this. I am afraid I'm making a mistake but if I'm truthful with myself I've been checked out for quite awhile now. You can ask for mediation of the lawsuit, promoting an amicable resolution, and see what the response is, then proceed from there. As long as you're alive, nothing, not even divorce, is cast in stone. A lawsuit can be vacated, or people even get back together later, or never see nor speak to each other again. There's lots of options which respect your feelings. I do miss my AP but that just reinforces my feelings that I need to start a new chapter in my life and leave both men behind...... That's normal and healthy, to feel loss. You may find yourself feeling loss as your divorce proceeds, should you make that choice. Ending a partnership can feel a lot like death, regardless of its impetus. BTDT. The good news is that life goes on and is a valuable gift. Live it to the full.
stillafool Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 While I don't approve of cheating when married, I applaud you for making the decision to divorce since you are checked out of the marriage. Did you tell your husband about your affair? If not, please do as this will help him to let you go. If you stay you will have another affair.
toolforgrowth Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 My exWW did the same thing. She checked out, we separated, and she had an affair. Said the same exact things that you are saying. I did my best to keep the marriage together, but she flat out said that neither I or the marriage was a priority to her. That was it for me. Then I found out about her A. I flipped out, and went for her throat (metaphorically). I kicked her off my insurance. I ported my number from our family plan. I moved back into the marital home alone. I fought her tooth and nail in meditation and in court. And I met a woman. A stunning, gorgeous, sexy woman. She did things to me my ex wife never did. We are no longer together, but it was a very good experience for me. I finally learned to say "You want out? Go for it. I can do better than you." Her tune changed dramatically. Why? Because she took my love for granted. She couldn't fathom for one second that I would never love her. That I would find happiness away from her. In the end, it wasn't her leaving me, it was me leaving her. When she found out there was a woman in my life, she did not like it one bit. She was sending my ex girlfriend all sorts of crazy messages on Facebook from an alias account. The look on her face when she dropped off our daughter at my house was like a deer in headlights. To this day, I have nothing to do with her. For over a year she kept our wedding pictures in our daughter's backpack, just for me to see. I laughed...hard. What is the point of this? That my ex wife felt the exact same way as you, and came to regret it later. Big time. I walked away from our marriage knowing I did everything I could to save it and our family. I have absolutely no regrets. She, on the other hand... Be careful what you wish for...you may get it. And you may not like it after all.
Author Josmatjes Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 My exWW did the same thing. She checked out, we separated, and she had an affair. Said the same exact things that you are saying. I did my best to keep the marriage together, but she flat out said that neither I or the marriage was a priority to her. That was it for me. Then I found out about her A. I flipped out, and went for her throat (metaphorically). I kicked her off my insurance. I ported my number from our family plan. I moved back into the marital home alone. I fought her tooth and nail in meditation and in court. And I met a woman. A stunning, gorgeous, sexy woman. She did things to me my ex wife never did. We are no longer together, but it was a very good experience for me. I finally learned to say "You want out? Go for it. I can do better than you." Her tune changed dramatically. Why? Because she took my love for granted. She couldn't fathom for one second that I would never love her. That I would find happiness away from her. In the end, it wasn't her leaving me, it was me leaving her. When she found out there was a woman in my life, she did not like it one bit. She was sending my ex girlfriend all sorts of crazy messages on Facebook from an alias account. The look on her face when she dropped off our daughter at my house was like a deer in headlights. To this day, I have nothing to do with her. For over a year she kept our wedding pictures in our daughter's backpack, just for me to see. I laughed...hard. What is the point of this? That my ex wife felt the exact same way as you, and came to regret it later. Big time. I walked away from our marriage knowing I did everything I could to save it and our family. I have absolutely no regrets. She, on the other hand... Be careful what you wish for...you may get it. And you may not like it after all. My husband has put me low on his priority list for years. I was always trying. I'm tired. I deserve better, but so does he. I'm not being selfish by getting out....if I stay, I would be selfish. I still love my H and I know he loves me. I will always love him and want what's best for him. But right now we are not good for each other....
Rainbowlove Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Only you know what's best for you. What's your plan? 1
Biere123 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 My husband has put me low on his priority list for years. I was always trying. I'm tired. I deserve better, but so does he. I'm not being selfish by getting out....if I stay, I would be selfish. I still love my H and I know he loves me. I will always love him and want what's best for him. But right now we are not good for each other.... Care to expound on the selfish comment? What about the kids? How do you handle them?
Author Josmatjes Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Care to expound on the selfish comment? What about the kids? How do you handle them? Well, I feel that if we can handle this like mature adults and my kids see this, they will be okay. I don't want them to see us staying because that's what we are "supposed" to do. I want them to see that we can all find happiness. They knw I'm not happy. Their not stupid. When we separated last year, they were really supportive. As far as the selfish comment. I'm not in love with my husband and I haven't been for years. I live a lie, everyone thinks we are this great couple because I smile and laugh. It's not fair to either of us. He deserves someone who smiles cause she is truly happy to be with him. It's selfish for me to pretend when their may be a better life for him and me. 1
Author Josmatjes Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 By the way, I have friends who have had nasty divorces and it's so sad what it has done to the children. They are the true victims. I also have friends who were amicable and still put their kids first, and the kids are well adjusted and fine. Divorce is a fact of life. It's all how you handle things. I'm a good mom and I have great communication with my children. They are very open with me about their feelings and they know I do not judge or criticize.i will help them every step of the way... 1
Rainbowlove Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Trust yourself. Get yourself a good support system. Everything you say is true. You and your husband deserve love and passion and romance and laughter and dancing and whatever else makes your heart sing. You have my blessing I vacillate with the same emotions. I'm day to day fighting to save my marriage. I don't want to divorce, but I miss feeling all of the above good joys of romance and fire. Recently, I tell myself I deserve those things too, but then I see my boy and wife and dig my heels in further bc I cannot dream of leaving them again. I'm not done fighting for it, but you sound like you are. You only get this one life. If you know in your heart it's over, let it be over. Good on you for being brave enough to know when to say enough.
toolforgrowth Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 My husband has put me low on his priority list for years. I was always trying. I'm tired. I deserve better, but so does he. I'm not being selfish by getting out....if I stay, I would be selfish. I still love my H and I know he loves me. I will always love him and want what's best for him. But right now we are not good for each other.... It's funny, I'm pretty sure my ex wife would say the same thing, while conveniently forgetting the hundreds of hours of overtime I worked so she could pursue her dream of being a realtor (which she failed at), cooking a three course meal for dinner every night, buying her expensive electronics, etc. I'm not saying you fit into this pattern. I'm just trying to point out that he could also have his own perceptions. Since you had an affair, I have to question just hire much of a priority you placed him on during your M also. "But right now we are not good for each other." This implies that you maybe feel that you could be at later date. Your A makes that nearly impossible. I'm not coming down on you or ridiculing you in any way. I'm just trying to communicate the other side of the coin to you. And if he ever finds out about your A, there is every possibility he will no longer love you...at all. Just ask my ex wife. I place more value on what I find on the bottom of my shoe than I do her, and she knows it. And it really, really, really bothers her.
Author Josmatjes Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 It's funny, I'm pretty sure my ex wife would say the same thing, while conveniently forgetting the hundreds of hours of overtime I worked so she could pursue her dream of being a realtor (which she failed at), cooking a three course meal for dinner every night, buying her expensive electronics, etc. I'm not saying you fit into this pattern. I'm just trying to point out that he could also have his own perceptions. Since you had an affair, I have to question just hire much of a priority you placed him on during your M also. "But right now we are not good for each other." This implies that you maybe feel that you could be at later date. Your A makes that nearly impossible. I'm not coming down on you or ridiculing you in any way. I'm just trying to communicate the other side of the coin to you. And if he ever finds out about your A, there is every possibility he will no longer love you...at all. Just ask my ex wife. I place more value on what I find on the bottom of my shoe than I do her, and she knows it. And it really, really, really bothers her. He knows about my affair. I've been upfront and honest. As far as him working and buying me stuff and cooking or whatever else you said, ummmm I had 3 children and sold a business to be a stay at home mom to raise them! If I got payed for what I've done you better believe I'd make a ****load more moneythan him, and he knows it. Me feeling these things are not about who did more...it's not a pissing contest....we have both worked very hard....the feelings just aren't their anymore....no drama, it's pretty simple. yes the affair was awful, but it was a catalyst for other things that I cannot discuss. We've had problems for years....I'm finally saying enough is enough.... 1
toolforgrowth Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Only you know what is best for you. If you could honestly see your husband loving another woman with all heart, forsaking you for her for the rest of his life, and honestly be truly happy for him with no regrets, then I'd say D all the way. But I will throw out a caveat that thought experiments never prepare you for actually witnessing them loving another person...passionately.
Rainbowlove Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Only you know what is best for you. If you could honestly see your husband loving another woman with all heart, forsaking you for her for the rest of his life, and honestly be truly happy for him with no regrets, then I'd say D all the way. But I will throw out a caveat that thought experiments never prepare you for actually witnessing them loving another person...passionately. I think when you truly accept in your heart it's over, you want your spouse to experience love and passion again in their life, even without you. We can still love someone and not stay married to them. Sometimes letting them go to find what we cannot give them is the kindest thing to do. Sounds like she's at that place. 1
Author Josmatjes Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 I think when you truly accept in your heart it's over, you want your spouse to experience love and passion again in their life, even without you. We can still love someone and not stay married to them. Sometimes letting them go to find what we cannot give them is the kindest thing to do. Sounds like she's at that place. I can honestly say that him finding happiness with another would not hurt me. I mean yes it would effect me, I'm only human. But we both deserve happiness. Truth is, I'd be surprised because he is not very effectionate or sexual. So that being said if he finds someone who is ok with that, then more power to him. And I hope to always stay best friends with him....
Rainbowlove Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I can honestly say that him finding happiness with another would not hurt me. I mean yes it would effect me, I'm only human. But we both deserve happiness. Truth is, I'd be surprised because he is not very effectionate or sexual. So that being said if he finds someone who is ok with that, then more power to him. And I hope to always stay best friends with him.... Maybe he's not overly affectionate and sexual because he's also done with the relationship on some level. Perhaps he finds someone who turns all those buttons on again. You'd be surprised. Be prepared for ugliness initially and hope for healing and friendship again someday. 1
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