18 days past breakup - the roller-coaster is driving me crazy

[Steffy1991]

Hello you guys,

 

I apologize in advance that this entry is so long (and also for my english, I'm from Austria, so if I make any mistakes - sorry )

 

Well, as the title already says, me and my boyfriend have just broken up on Saturday. To be honest, I don't even know what the relationship was..

We met when I was 16 years old, he fell for me, but I didn't want him at the time (strange as it seems now, I was a very confident girl back then who didn't want to settle, if I didn't feel the most amazing notebook-kind-of-feelings and always believed that this existed. This confident girl completely vanished after I met my first boyfriend. We had the most toxic relationship, but were also really in love, so when we broke up, I hit rock bottom. Ever since I feel like I'm not enough and have all these self doubts..)

So, as I said, even though I didn't want him back then, we started texting each other again about 2 years ago. We started to meet regularly and I knew that he was interested and falling for me again and I liked him a lot too, because I saw him as the nicest guy I'll ever meet and after my last horrible, horrible breakup, I thought that this was exactly what I needed. After a month or so we started to sleep with each other and no matter how much I knew he wanted me, I couldn't really fall in love with him. In this time, he would write (and that's a really important point) the sweetest messages and I somehow felt completely overwhelmed with all of this honesty and feelings for me. Everytime I was with him and had to go again, he would write me how much he missed me already. But again - I couldn't really really fall for him. 2 months went by and he kept asking me, what this was and I didn't really know what to say to him, but after a while we just started a relationship. It was a long-distance one and we could only see each other at the weekends and somehow I also fell in love with him.

 

It was never the "oh-my-god-I'm-so-in-love-with-him" kind of feeling, but I did love him. The weird thing was, that after we got together, he could never really show or tell me how he felt about me. The sweet text messages were still there, but in person he couldn't tell or show me anything. He never bought me flowers or lit candles or told me things like "I'm so happy you're here" or that he loved me. All of the emotional stuff always came from me and of course, after some time the initial honeymoon phase wore off and that's when things really started to bother me. Because he couldn't show or tell me what I meant to him and the text messages started to come less frequently with time (which is completely natural!!), I was pretty much left with nothing. I told him a few times, that those things really bothered me and he kept saying that he knew what I meant, his ex-girlfriend kept complaining about the same things, but that he just couldn't do it differently. Somehow we managed to make it work, because I was always the one to reach out and who would start to cuddle or hug or kiss him and he would just "go along with it". But nothing ever came from him.

 

The thing that really stood in the way was his inability to talk about problems. In our 1,5 years together, he NEVER ever told me if something bothered him or if he was upset with me or angry or anything. He kept everything to himself and when I would get mad and start a fight, he still never ever answered. He would just sit there and listen to my arguments without saying anything. I don't know if any of you has experience with these kind of man, but I've never met anyone, who was soooo so emotional unavailable. He couldn't show love nor talk about any problems. Good base for a relationship, hm? Another thing I noticed what that he actually wasn't always such a nice guy and he would for example tell me about some hot girls a friend of his was seeing or sleeping with. Another thing that really took over was sports. He did a lot of sports and was really fit and I'm not really that kind of girl but in summer, I always tried to keep up. I would hike or mountain bike with him and tried to do some of the things with him he liked. But I never felt good enough with him somehow and that i needed to do more.

 

Well a month ago we (or I) had a fight and he was acting all weird (even though a few days earlier everything was totally fine and we even booked our next vacation) and after asking him over and over again what was wrong (because he can't say of course), he told me that he was having doubts about the relationship. Of course, after that I asked him why and for how long and how serious they were and he just said NOTHING again. He just couldn't.. He just told me he had doubts and I had to deal with it. Well, he did mention something about me not skiing with him (because I can't actually), but.. I mean that can't seriously be the reason he has doubts! Can sports be such a major factor? I mean I did some sport with him, but not all of it and all there is and I couldn't do it as well as he could.

Still, after his "confession", I was trying to act as normal as I could to eliminate his doubts, but he acted weird and distant and I didn't really know what to do. I asked him once what was going on and he said nothing.

 

The whole month he would be cold and distant. He would act "normal" at times, but I always knew something was up. Plus, he never ever told or wrote me he loved me anymore. A week ago (Tuesday) I asked him again if everything was ok and he said yes. On Thursday he went home to his parents for the weekend and I went home to visit mine. He said goodbye and even called me in the evening before he was going out with some friends and talked really normal actually. But... from then on I didn't hear ANYTHING from him for 2 days. He just didn't call or text or anything. Because I kind of knew what was going on, I didn't call or text either and tried to find peace with the thought that our relationship might end. On Saturday night he finally texted me "I'm going to sleep now, but we need to talk. Call you tomorrow". I was really angry and wrote back "I know what you got to say, why talk?". The only thing he replied was "Even so, I won't do this via text. Maybe we can meet up next week?" I mean, WHAT? He's just done this via text!!! He doesn't call or text for 2 days, so that I can make up my mind about his behavior, then indirectly lets me know via text that he wants to break up with me, but that he's officially waiting until we'll see each other again? I mean who does that??

After that I only wrote back, that I wouldn't want to meet or talk to him anymore, because I couldn't believe that he would lie to me a few days earlier when I asked if everything was ok and that he would really be out of touch for 2 days only to let me know via text what was going on. I told him that he wasn't the person I thought he was and that if he really wanted to do this face-to-face he could've done it 2 days earlier, when he was still with me. I also said that a friend of mine would get all of my things and that I just didn't want to see him again.

He waited another 24 hours to reply and only wrote something like "I didn't do anything via text, I would've told you in person. What if I wasn't sure yet on Thursday? and I'm sure you think it's so easy for me. It didn't need to end like this after all this time. but ok. Just tell Lisa to text me so that I can give her your stuff"

 

And that's it. I was so mad that he obviously thought he hadn't done anything wrong and that I'm the one who did all of it via text, but seriously: Why on earth would I want to meet him again, only to hear the words "I don't want to be with you anymore" again in person? I mean I don't want to hurt myself on purpose.

 

Well.. The point in all of this for me is: Of course I'm hurting now and I cry and am sad and have all the emotions you go through when in a breakup. But.. I mean, I know deep down that he wasn't the one for me, because I really want someone I feel save with and who can tell me what he feels about me and I want to feel that I'm the only woman in his life and not feel replaceable all the time (which honestly, I did, simply due to this lack of talking about his feeling or showing me he loved me). Plus, I need someone who can tell me if something's wrong and who can "have a fight", if you know what I mean.

So, I know all of this, but I'm still so sad, because I can't also feel all of it, even though I know that he can't be the one. The feeling of being rejected is so strong and the thought that he just sits around at home, not even thinking about me and being perfectly fine with the situation kills me.. I know it probably sounds immature but I feel so "not good enough", simply because he's the one who broke up with me and who's now completely fine and happy. And I'm sure he is.. And somehow I can't push these thoughts and feelings aside even though I do know, that he's also not right for me.

So why? Why do I let this thought make it unnecessarily hard for me? Why? And why do I still feel like I won't fall in love again? Or that I wan't find the man I want.. Why do I feel like I'll stay alone..

And PLEASE don't say that I'm ridiculous, because I know I'm really really young (23), but I just can't see it. I just feel not good enough..

 

Does anyone have any advice?

 

PS: Thank you sooo much, if you've read the whole story!

[mightycpa]

You feel rejected because you were rejected. That's pretty normal. What I would suggest is that you take stock of your own behavior in your relationship, and see if there's anything that bothers you about yourself. If so, pick the worst one and work on it.

 

You know he's no good for you, so cut off the communications. Say goodbye in person. You might obsess over it if you don't. That's where you can make clear that you don't want to hear from him.

 

What else? Don't be afraid to feel bad for a while. Give yourself a few days to really wallow in it. You might find that you can get through it quickly that way because you're not that emotionally invested.

 

Don't worry so much about falling in love again. It will happen when it happens. I'm quite sure he didn't break you.

 

Calm down. You'll be fine. It won't be easy while it lasts, and the only question is how long will it last? I'm guessing not too long. You'll feel relieved soon, once you start doing things you want to do, going out with friends, meeting new men, etc. You'll see.

[Zahara]

So, I know all of this, but I'm still so sad, because I can't also feel all of it, even though I know that he can't be the one. The feeling of being rejected is so strong and the thought that he just sits around at home, not even thinking about me and being perfectly fine with the situation kills me.. I know it probably sounds immature but I feel so "not good enough", simply because he's the one who broke up with me and who's now completely fine and happy. And I'm sure he is.. And somehow I can't push these thoughts and feelings aside even though I do know, that he's also not right for me.

 

Hun, feel those feelings. They are all very normal. You are grieving the loss of a relationship, the loss of someone you had hopes and dreams with, someone you grew comfortable with, formed an attachment to -- so it's all very normal for you to feel rejected, less than, disappointed, etc. And just as your heart of hearts tells you that he was never the one for you, the loss still remains. Don't be so hard on yourself. This ending is fresh. It's going to feel raw and painful.

 

So why? Why do I let this thought make it unnecessarily hard for me? Why? And why do I still feel like I won't fall in love again? Or that I wan't find the man I want.. Why do I feel like I'll stay alone.. And PLEASE don't say that I'm ridiculous, because I know I'm really really young (23), but I just can't see it. I just feel not good enough..

 

You're not being ridicilous. You're being human. After an ending, no matter how it ended, you almost always are haunted by the thought of always being alone, never being able to trust again, if you'll ever meet another -- again all normal. When you are emotional this way, it's hard for your mind to stay focused on reality and to be reasonable because you're driven by your heart that is filled with doubt and disappointment. In your brain you know it is ridicilous, but your heart is dictating what you feel and it cannot be trusted when it is broken. But it's a temporary setback. Trust you will emerge from this and at 23, you have decades ahead of you to live and love.

 

Your ego and sense of self has just received a blow but you'll recover from this and life won't seem so bleak as you start to heal and be optimistic about life and all it can offer you.

[Steffy1991]

Thank you all so much for your advice..

And of course I also know, that I've made mistakes and that I learned a lot - especially what I don't want and not to settle, when you know he's not the one.

I don't want to meet again though, because I don't have any questions or want answers or say goodbye. Maybe in a few months or a year I can imagine meeting up and talking, but not now. I don't want to and I can't imagine this doing anything good. And I couldn't stand seeing him, standing in front of me, being totally cool with the situation, while I'm dying.

 

But when I think about him with another woman, which I can imagine happening, simply because he's just so emotionally unavailable and totally fine with the breakup, I don't know what to do. And I know that everyone goes through this and some even get cheated on and have to stand it, but I always feel like I'm so weak, because I don't know just HOW to handle this. How to handle seeing him eventually somewhere or how to see him with another woman... I don't know how to do this! I mean even though everybody says it gets better, it's just so hard to imagine. Do I have to force myself to go out and have fun? Or do this feelings come by themselves? Right now, I just can't imagine waking up and somehow feeling better or even good. And I just can't help feeling, that I'm the only one who's feeling this incredibly weak in all of this. That other people handle it so much better - like my ex for example.

[Zahara]

I don't want to meet again though, because I don't have any questions or want answers or say goodbye. Maybe in a few months or a year I can imagine meeting up and talking, but not now. I don't want to and I can't imagine this doing anything good.

 

And you're so ahead of the game because you're able to draw these boundaries. If you've been on LS long enough, most every dumpee struggle with wanting to be friends, stay in sight, be around the dumper, cling -- but you're showing strength and maturity. Be proud of yourself. You're going to get through this I believe sooner than you think.

 

But when I think about him with another woman, which I can imagine happening, simply because he's just so emotionally unavailable and totally fine with the breakup, I don't know what to do. And I know that everyone goes through this and some even get cheated on and have to stand it, but I always feel like I'm so weak, because I don't know just HOW to handle this.

 

Yes, everyone goes through it. I had the pleasure of seeing my ex in the act with another woman. I'm well and living life. And you will survive this too. When you start to have those thoughts, remind yourself of who he is and remember that she will likely go through what you went through. Pull yourself back and stay in your reality. Don't romanticize him.

 

I mean even though everybody says it gets better, it's just so hard to imagine.

 

Hun, you ended a few days ago. It does get better. It's not going to happen today or tomorrow. It's going to take a few months at least for you to start feeling relief.

 

Do I have to force myself to go out and have fun? Or do this feelings come by themselves? Right now, I just can't imagine waking up and somehow feeling better or even good. And I just can't help feeling, that I'm the only one who's feeling this incredibly weak in all of this. That other people handle it so much better - like my ex for example.

 

It's called grieving. You are allowed to sit with your tears and your pain. Give yourself a couple of weeks to be by yourself. It's like nursing an injured leg. For awhile, you have to stay off it, no pressure on it, clean the wounds, etc. Then comes the time to slowly start strengthening it again so you get it as good as new. And sometimes you have to force yourself to do the exercise, to feel the pain with rehabilitation. Just like emotions. You stay and grieve and nurse your emotions. In a few weeks, you can start venturing out again and at your own pace, slowly putting yourself out there. There is no rush.

 

Your ex isn't feeling this way because he is emotionally detached. You are and that is why it is hard for you.

Edited February 4, 2015 by Zahara

[mightycpa]

But when I think about him with another woman, which I can imagine happening, simply because he's just so emotionally unavailable and totally fine with the breakup, I don't know what to do.

 

Just imagine him with her the way he was with you. Remember the things you wrote about, now just put her in that situation.

 

They're out at dinner, he's mad about something and he sulks but won't talk. Think about that.

 

Think about her coming home and hoping to see flowers or a card or a note or a little gift and finding dirty dishes instead.

 

Think realistically, in other words. Don't fantasize that he'll suddenly change into the person that you'd like him to be. He won't.

 

That's how you control your thoughts... you analyze them, identify the fantasy and then replay it correctly.

[Steffy1991]

Just imagine him with her the way he was with you. Remember the things you wrote about, now just put her in that situation.

 

They're out at dinner, he's mad about something and he sulks but won't talk. Think about that.

 

Think about her coming home and hoping to see flowers or a card or a note or a little gift and finding dirty dishes instead.

 

Think realistically, in other words. Don't fantasize that he'll suddenly change into the person that you'd like him to be. He won't. That's how you control your thoughts... you analyze them, identify the fantasy and then replay it correctly.

 

And trust me, all of my friends keep telling me that he doesn't deserve me and that he will do the same to another woman, because that's just the way he is.. And your strategy is really good actually. But.. I mean there IS a possibility that he will fall madly in love with the next one and will change completely for her and will suddenly be able to express his feelings and deal with conflicts.. isn't there?

Maybe I was just not the one who could bring it out of him!

 

And you're so ahead of the game because you're able to draw these boundaries. If you've been on LS long enough, most every dumpee struggle with wanting to be friends, stay in sight, be around the dumper, cling -- but you're showing strength and maturity. Be proud of yourself. You're going to get through this I believe sooner than you think.

 

But I don't think of myself as strong or mature for not wanting to see him. I mean if I think about being friends or wanting to stay in touch or sight - this would kill me. So obviously people who want or can do all of those things are so much stronger than me. That's how I feel about that actually..

 

And I so want to get better and I actually went to a party yesterday to distract myself but it's just so so hard. And I can't imagine ever waking up and wanting all those things without forcing myself to do them or without thinking of him.. It's like all I want to do is to lie on the couch watching TV all day long and go to sleep again. Will this really go away?

[Zahara]

But I don't think of myself as strong or mature for not wanting to see him. I mean if I think about being friends or wanting to stay in touch or sight - this would kill me. So obviously people who want or can do all of those things are so much stronger than me. That's how I feel about that actually..

 

People who do those things are fearful of letting go. They cling and stay attached because they don't want to accept the reality and truth of their ending. In the process make horrible mistakes, stay hurt and in pain, cause themselves more confusion and end feeling much worse. What you are doing is the right thing to do.

 

And I so want to get better and I actually went to a party yesterday to distract myself but it's just so so hard. And I can't imagine ever waking up and wanting all those things without forcing myself to do them or without thinking of him.. It's like all I want to do is to lie on the couch watching TV all day long and go to sleep again. Will this really go away?

 

Yes, it will go away. This is very fresh and raw. You're going to want to mope, cry, sleep, feel depressed, stay in your PJs, be a couch potato -- it's normal. If going out makes you feel worse, then stay home. Sometimes being by yourself and nursing your emotions quietly is the best medicine.

[Steffy1991]

Hello,

 

it's been only a week since we broke up, but I'm so scared that I will feel like this forever. All I want to do is lie on the couch all day and cry and watch TV and go to sleep again..

I "function" somehow, I go to work (though I only work 10 hours a week since I'm in college) and I even went to a party on Tuesday, but I just can't tell you how incredibly exhausting and hard all of this is. The rest of the time is filled with watching TV, crying and sleeping. It takes me everything I have to get up in the morning or to get ready. And everyone says I should distract myself and go out.. but it's just so so damn hard. I just don't want to do ANYTHING. And I can't help feeling that this will last forever and that I have to get used to the fact that I have to keep forcing myself to do things forever. I just can't see this going away again and me actually wanting to do things again..

 

The weird thing is, I also know that he's not the right one for me. He couldn't show or tell me that he loved me, he couldn't talk about any kind of problems or talk about what he was thinking.. He wasn't compassionate, hurting me very often because he didn't THINK about what he was doing (that was always his excuse). I know this is not the kind of man I want to spend my life with, but still I feel like this. I mean, why??? Shouldn't the fact that I also know he's not the one make me feel better? Is it just my ego that's hurting because - despite me having all of these thoughts when we were together - in the end he's the one who broke up with me?

 

Has anyone ever experienced this and got over it? Without having to force yourself over and over again to do something? Did this feeling go away by itself? When? Do you think I will need a really long time to heal? Or will the thought that he's not the one for me eventually reach my heart and stop me from being in pain so much?

 

Thanks so much..

[Jessie1231]

Read through these forums and you'll see lots of people went through the same thing and made it ok. It's hard of course, but it helps so much to see that other people have been there and made it.

 

My last boyfriend broke up with me and I was a wreck. I spent days in bed, crying and being sure I would never be happy again. Nothing brought me any joy at all. I was sure it was permanent. Looking back I regret wasting that time on him after I had wasted all the time on our relationship, but maybe it was necessary to start feeling better.

 

Eventually you'll have a day or even an hour that's ok, and that's your sign that things are going to be ok. It takes everyone different amounts of time, but the only part that's important is for you to believe that it will get better. Because it will. Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

You are a grieving for the loss of what was or what you wanted it to be, I can't say but it's still a loss.

 

You will not feel this way forever. Give yourself some time. February can be tough but you are doing the right thing by going to work & interacting with your friends.

[BC1980]

Yes, I felt the same way a year ago. I was scared I would never be happy again, scared I would never enjoy anything again, scared I would never get over the anxiety, sleeplessness, ect. So many of us have felt what you are feeling, but it is not permanent. I promise it is not. You will not be the same after this, but you will be stronger. If it's only been a week, you're still in shock and struggling to find a new routine. Even the easiest of tasks can feel difficult. Keep your schedule as regular as you can right now. Go to school, work, spend time with friends and family, try to exercise if you can. After the shock wears off, you can set your mind to rebuilding a new life.

 

And yes, I do understand how you can mourn a person who was bad for you. You are mourning what you wished could have been. You wished he could have been a different person, and realizing that he simply can't be is a loss as well. Believe me, a lot of us around here can empathize with that, and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling that way. A loss is a loss.

[KBarletta]

Has anyone ever experienced this and got over it? Without having to force yourself over and over again to do something? Did this feeling go away by itself? When? Do you think I will need a really long time to heal? Or will the thought that he's not the one for me eventually reach my heart and stop me from being in pain so much?

 

Almost all of us have been there at one point or another (some of us two or three times), and we've all come out the other side. You will too. It's just hard to see when you're in the initial fog.

 

If you want things to get better sooner rather than later, you WILL have to force yourself to do things and force yourself to control your own thoughts more than you are used to. Hiding in bed and watching TV is OK for a few days, but it's no way to heal long-term.

 

You need to get up off the floor, get out of the house each day, walk around, exercise, talk to people. Take good care of yourself, make sure you eat well, get enough water and enough sleep. These are going to be hard, but if you don't do them, you'll surely feel worse.

 

And try to take control of your thoughts rather than letting them control you. Let the sadness come, but don't let it consume you. Feel sad, and then let it go and move on. Force your brain to think of other things. Instead of dwelling on what you've lost, force yourself to dwell on what you still have, things you can be happy about.

 

It's going to be hard for a while, but you now have two new best friends: 1. Time and 2. Yourself. Be good to yourself, give yourself time, and things will work out.

 

Hang in there!

[Steffy1991]

My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We were together for 1.5 years and I'm a complete mess.

Sometimes the sadness consumes me and I seriously don't know what to do, how to go on. I know, he's not the one and to be honest I've been having doubts throughout the entire relationship, because he could never tell or show me what I meant to him. I somehow always felt replaceable. Romance was also something he thought only existed in movies. No flowers, no candles, no I'm-so-happy-you're-with-me kind of words, no anything while we were together and I KNOW I don't want a relationship like that, so it shouldn't be this hard, should it?

 

I'm currently in college and since we have some kind of winter break for a month (I'm from Austria), I'm now staying with my family, far away from him. But we study at the same university, live in the same town (really not so big!), so when I think about going back there in 2 weeks, I feel like dying. The possibility of running into him is just too high.. Seeing him or worse seeing him with another woman maybe is killing me already. I don't know what to do, I really don't.

I'm SO scared, that depression is a part of my life now, somehow I feel so alone, even though I have really good friends. It's like nothing matters anymore and my mind somehow finds the worst possible outcomes of everything like "what if you lose all your friends as well?" or "what if noone will ever be with you again?" or "what if he's already in love with someone else?" or "what if I see them kissing?" or "I'm sure he doesn't even think about me anymore and is so happy that we broke up". I'm really really scared and don't know how to get those negative thoughts out of my head or how to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

As I said, I know he's not the one, so why is it so damn hard?? I just feel so weak, because I'm feeling like everybody else is handling it so much better. I mean other people who break up sometimes need to see each other daily and are still alive.

 

Can anyone help me? This can't be normal right? I'm just so scared..

[geronimo]

You are normal. Don't blame yourself its normal to feel this way when you get dumped, even though you saw it coming/knew they weren't the one. I was in a sort of similar situation, I really loved my ex (still do sadly) and sadly she didn't. I never gave it much thought while in the relationship but she was the same way as your ex where she didn't show much emotional lovey dovey stuff towards me as I did to her, just used the excuse that shes bad at it.

Long story short, she used an excuse to break up with me, left me heartbroken and feeling the same way as you do. And to put salt on the wound she started dating someone else within weeks of breaking up with me. I was shattered and am still picking up the pieces but honestly you can't let these thoughts get the best of you. Look up NC and follow it for yourself, and remember you are your own worst enemy in these situations. You already know you deserve better and that he didn't treat you right, its just the stupid emotions get the best of us in these situations, making us want the thing that got taken away from us (human nature) but we gotta fight it and do whats right for us. goodluck i wish you all the best.

[ZiggyZoo]

Heck yes, this is normal! I don't think that the fact that you're really, really sad two weeks after the fact is bad at all. I wouldn't worry about depression yet, I think what you're feeling is normal. Everyone thinks that they may never find someone special again, and worries about their ex being with a new love. SO I wouldn't worry there.

 

And recover at your own pace, don't worry about other people and how they seem to be doing with their breakups. Appearances can be deceiving, they may be just as miserable as you, just hiding it.

 

Keep coming on here and reading what others have written, it will really help to see that you're not alone. You will get through this, I promise.

[Steffy1991]

First of all: THANK YOU. I feel so grateful, that people take the time to help someone they don't know. Good people are out there! Thank you so much.

 

I do know now, that I'm surely not the only one who has ever had to deal with these feelings. And although it sometimes comforts me, I still can't see how this will get better, especially since I have no idea why I'm even feeling this way, considering I also didn't think he was Mr. Right. I just hope that somewhere down the road my heart knows this too and it will be easier to get over him. It just has to get easier..

 

One thing that makes it SO SO HARD for me is knowing that he's so ok with all of this. He broke things off via text actually. I didn't hear from him for 2 days and then got the message "we need to talk". A few days earlier I had asked him if everything was ok and he had said "yes" - GREAT!! (He did want to wait officially until we would see each other again but I didn't meet him after his text. Seriously - why would I talk to him in person again only to hear the words "I don't want you" again face to face?)

So he broke up with me without even talking to me first. I mean he was never one to talk about problems, in fact this was something he just couldn't do at all. In 1.5 years he could never tell me if something bothered him or when we had an argument (well, I had an argument) he would just sit there quietly, not knowing what to say - EVER. No words came out, nothing. So I never knew what was going on inside his head and everytime we talked about this, he always said he didn't know why, but that he just couldn't talk about problems and that his mind just went black whenever some kind of conflict came up. And so he just figured it all out by himself until he was sure he didn't want me anymore and now he's happy.. I'm sure he is. And these thoughts somehow make everything so much worse. It's like I also feel the pain he doesn't feel, if you know what I mean. Any advice on that?

 

Again - THANK YOU!

[guest569]

i think that regardless of the feelings you had throughout, it is still really tough to deal with. You're normal! Its good that you are staying with family, make sure you keep in regular contact with one of your family members or close friends when you go back to studies. Keep focused on studies and hobbies and try your best to avoid running into him. Aside from that time will help a great deal. If your depression starts to get out of hand and you might need to talk to a counsellor or get some medication.

 

I had the same awful thoughts about what he's doing, has he moved on etc. it made me so sick at first. But you'll get to the point where you don't care anymore and you will meet someone better, although it might hurt to even think about that at this stage.

 

Things will get much better and you will come out of it feeling so strong.

[Steffy1991]

Hello,

 

my boyfriend broke up with me 18 days ago. Sometimes I think about him with a feeling of "I'm going to get through this" and sometimes depression hits me like a lightning. In those moments, I feel like dying and like nothing makes sense anymore. In those moments, the negative thoughts in my head turn to poison and I have no idea how I'm going to go on. I don't even know if I can put those feelings into words..

 

The worst part of the day are the mornings. At night, I often go to sleep with some feeling of hope, that things will get better and that I'm going to get over it and in the morning I wake up and don't even know how to get out of bed. This roller coaster is driving me crazy and I don't know how to handle it.

 

The weird thing is, that I know in my head he's not the one. For me, communication is the most important part in a relationship and if that doesn't work, nothing can. Unfortunately, that's something he couldn't do AT ALL. He never talked about things that bothered him, he often hurt me because he wasn't thinking what he was saying and he never showed or told me how much he loved me. I never felt appreciated. I actually felt replaceable. And I'm totally not materialistic, flowers, gifts and all of those things don't mean anything to me (and he didn't do those things either). But what I do think is very important, is that somehow your partner can show or tell you what you mean to him. A simple "I'm so happy, you're mine" would've done it. But none of this ever happened. He could only write nice texts when we were apart and seriously - that's not enough.

 

The reason, why I always felt like he wasn't the one, is that my first relationship was filled with so much more emotion. I have already had this boyfriend who could tell and show me just how crazy he was about me and how he never wanted anybody else (unfortunately we were just too young and couldn't work it out). So I've already had that and know this exists. And I definitely want that. And I really think, that when a previous relationship was filled with more love and feelings than the current one, it's a sign that it's not the real thing, isn't it?

 

As for the depression part. I keep trying to tell me that I shouldn't feel so bad, because I know he's obviously not the one. Still, I feel really bad. But I think it's so much harder and more complicated than this. Because you still had a relationship, you still loved this person and you feel just sooo rejected. And now he's happy and probably not even thinking about me and that's what hurts the most.

 

I keep telling myself on a daily basis that I WANT MORE! Still, I feel sad and rejected and not good enough and all those terrible terrible feelings. I just hope, that things will get easier soon, when in my head I already know, I don't want him back (not the person he is now) and want more than he could offer. I know this, but I just can't feel it yet. Hope, I soon will..

Does anyone have some words of wisdom for me?

[WrinkledForehead]

Make lists of all those reasons he was bad for you, and then make lists of all the things you feel make a good relationship. Read them ad nauseam.

 

I've been journaling a lot. It helps. I also struggle with thinking too much and I also have the roller coaster.

 

I have one friend who is being my sounding board for all the thoughts in my head. She's non-judgemental and is pushing me towards recovery by being blunt with me. Even just her listening helps to validate my emotions and that in and of itself is helpful. Last night I asked her to please tell me the reasons why I shouldn't text him when I asked her to. When she said she didn't know the reasons, I gave them to her.

 

 

It's going to hurt. It's going to be a roller coaster. It sucks. I'm right there with you.

[nowa1234]

I feel for you tremendously..

 

I have been dumped 12 days ago, with no warning (or at least I didnt see any signals that its coming) in the worst possible way - ex said hes going out to the shop and then he rang me from outsidensaying that its over.. Then 2 days after he sent someone to collect his stuff.. Thats all..

The shock of it what happened was unbereable, for the first week was just a living hell.. No sleeping or eating, just smoking and numbing myself with wine..

Weve been dating for 1 and a half and moved in together about 4 months ago..

And it didnt work straigh ahead afet weve moved in.. It just didnt work, I found out very shortly that hes is full of unresolved emotional issues, frustrating over silly things, different life approach, different dayly routine.. Ex didnt cope well with my commitment to my children and there was many many problems..

 

I remember myself keeping thinking OHMG its not going to work, its difficult, I am not happy, and so on.. Yet we were talking about getting married and I did honestly try to work on it hard..

I remember our last dinner the night before he left, thinking that I feel like we have been together like the one of couples who are for years stuck in unsatisfying unhappy relationship having nothing in common, no chemistry and how it is possible to make this work.. And that I though I am not happy with him anymore.

Yet, when he walked away the day after I though I am going to get crazy..

It hurt me deadly, and I could not understand why, if I was not happy, why this all hurts like hell..

Its been 13 days since that happened and although I can not imagine having any contact with him (it would make me phisically sick) I do feel a bit better.. I have the emotional rollecoaster, and can feel ok and calm, but then in a next hour I have this overbearing saddness that makes me sob and sob..

I found however the way of coping with this - I strongly reccomend to get 2 books and read them.. Susan Elliot Getting past your breakup and Paul McKenna I can mend your broken heart.

The first book teaches techniques how to deal with your emotions on a daily basis, what to do to distract yourself from the obsessive thinking or a unbereable sadness..

For example It reccomends something what I have implemented since a couple of days - be good to yourself, take care for yourself, do lovely beautiful things for yourself.. Make 1 day plan for your own pleasures, eat something nice, go for a long walk somewhere nice, pamper yourself, do nails, facials or whatever you like, excersise (makes you feel better) - just be good to yourself..

The other thing is writing the diary.. Write down everything what is going on in your head.. Make the list of all the reasons you didnt like yourself in that relationship, and what you didnt like about your ex.. Write it on a daily basis, adding more and more.. It will take a time but its great.. Then read it back often.. It DOES help..

Of course - NO CONTACT whatsoever. let chemicals in your brain to come back to the harmonic level, its the chemistry that makes your emotions crazy. Now wonder that you feel like this, for some time all your system was adjusting to the dynamic of a relationship and now its over..Its like an addiction.. Its like giving up on smoking: you crave for something whats not good for you for a long time..

I am writing this and of course I am very very unwell and very hurt still but I just carry on with the hope it will get better with time..

Just be good to yourself...

[PearTree]

I agree with writing a list of all the bad thing about him.

 

Would you pick a partner with all those flaws when you could so easily find someone who's a much better match for you?

[William]

Folks, a member reported a number of threads running on a similar topic so moderation merged them for continuity. There may be a couple out of order posts due to time stamp issues. Hopefully, the gist of the discussion is retained. Please continue!