GIGS - maybe she did find greener pastures :(

[geronimo]

Hi guys, I just need to get this off my chest. My first love of 5 years broke up with me, it will be almost 3 months in a few days since we broke up. I have posted the whole story here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/515631-overthinking-kills. But long story short, she broke up with me used an excuse and started dating someone else pretty much in a week or 2. I went into NC and still am in NC. Only thing is I still have her on snapchat and I get tempted to view her story whenever she puts one up.

 

So after reading a few things I thought that maybe my ex's new bf is a rebound or GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) and it made me feel a little better thinking maybe she'll come back. I did keep that hope to a minimum because you never know if she'll come back or not, but a guy can hope. Anyways now that its almost 3 months I am alot better than before, I don't think about her all the time, no more crying or w/e, and I do think I can eventually get over her.

 

The reason why I'm writing this is because it was her birthday a couple days ago, I kept my NC and didn't wish her. But I was on FB and I have one of her friends on there, who posted a pic of my ex and her new bf, that was the first punch in the face. They looked so happy together and I want to be happy for her but seeing that really hurt. Now like I said before I think she left me because of GIGS, and maybe she did find greener pastures. The reason she used to breakup was that we have 2 different religions and that her family would never truly accept me cuz of that, now this new bf is the same religion as her. What makes it worse is, hes buying her love fully. He took her to a basket ball game couple days before her bday and today he took her to a hockey game and even got her name up on the jumbotron for her bday. Also her relationship with one of her friends has gotten better and they're "best friends" now and it seems like her life took a turn for the best after she left me. I feel so ****ty because I did take her out ever weekend for small things like dinner, movies, etc etc and once in a while we did something special, like go to a resort, or horse back riding, etc. I'm 22, and when i met her i was only 17, and I'm the kind of guy who doesn't ask his parents for money. I started working since I was 16 and have been paying for school and myself with my own money. My parents doing ok for themselves and can afford to pay for me but I guess its a pride thing that i like to pay for my own life. Anyways due to this, I couldn't spoil my ex like I wanted to. But her new bf comes from a wealthy family and he is buying her tickets to games, concerts, etc etc and I know it shouldn't bother me but it just hurts because I thought I was a great bf and that she may come back after a little while of realizing that not every guy is oging to be like me and GIGS, but it looks like she did find greener pastures and I dont think she'll be back anymore and that realization sinking in really is starting to sting and set me back.

 

What do you guys think?

[jus d'orange]

Whether she did find greener pastures or not is sort of irrelevant. The amount of money the new guy has is also irrelevant, because money doesn't equal a good relationship.

 

One of my old ex's left me saying she just wanted space to be single and to get a chance to date other people because she didn't love me anymore. It turned out in the end that she was all set to date this other guy whom I already knew about, and she just lied to me.

 

I thought about it and analysed it over and over, and it made me feel terrible. I didn't even know for a long time about the new boyfriend though, you know why? Because I didn't have ANY contact with her. Nothing. I had defriended her on facebook, etc.

 

Now you're still seeing stuff about her, checking up on her; all of that will continue holding you back, making you focus on her and her happiness instead of your own. She doesn't need you to think about her happiness from afar -- she has that covered. You need instead to focus on yourself. Start by ensuring that you won't see any more social media updates from her.

[geronimo]

Yea you're right, money doesn't determine the success of a relationship. It just hurts to know that I tried my best and I wasn't enough and this new kid doesn't even have to try and is winning her love so easily.

 

I have unfriended her on fb and all other social media, I just have her on snapchat still, I guess I'll delete her from that also. The picture I saw was on her friends fb, since i still have some of her friends on my social media. But yea i should probably delete them also, not like I have anything to say or do with them.

 

I just keep hoping she'll come back and its probably because she was my first gf/first love and we were great together. But seeing her life now, it doesn't seem like its going to happen. I know in time I will get over it but she's always going to have a special place in my heart forever.

[No Limit]

Yea you're right, money doesn't determine the success of a relationship. It just hurts to know that I tried my best and I wasn't enough and this new kid doesn't even have to try and is winning her love so easily.

 

It's not love, it's infatuation, at best.

[Holmes85]

geronimo,

 

The Grass Is Never Greener On The Other Side.

 

From far away everything looks nice, but once you get closer to it and spend some time, you start seeing the reality.

 

Here's an example:

 

Everyone wants to go to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower. Once you go in Paris and spend some time there, you realize the place isn't what it made out to be. The streets are filled with garbage, getting robbed there is quite common, many jobless people on the street, I even saw a person who just got out of a train, got in the middle of the street, pulled his pants down and took a dump there.

 

But everyone wants to go to Paris, it's once in a lifetime experience, but if you ask me if I want to make a better life there, my answer would be simply No. I am content with where I am (sadly that's not the case with people who have GIGS).

 

I think you get the point.

[NopeNah]

geronimo,

 

The Grass Is Never Greener On The Other Side.

 

From far away everything looks nice, but once you get closer to it and spend some time, you start seeing the reality.

 

Here's an example:

 

Everyone wants to go to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower. Once you go in Paris and spend some time there, you realize the place isn't what it made out to be. The streets are filled with garbage, getting robbed there is quite common, many jobless people on the street, I even saw a person who just got out of a train, got in the middle of the street, pulled his pants down and took a dump there.

 

But everyone wants to go to Paris, it's once in a lifetime experience, but if you ask me if I want to make a better life there, my answer would be simply No. I am content with where I am (sadly that's not the case with people who have GIGS).

 

I think you get the point.

 

Great analogy!

[towardthefuture]

3 months is probably still honeymoon phase.

 

But anyway you should move on and forget about it.

[mightycpa]

The Grass Is Never Greener On The Other Side.

 

Holmes85, sometimes the grass is indeed greener... not perfect, mind you, still a few weeds and bare spots, but definitely greener.

 

Imagine a guy from Mogadishu witnessing the same guy taking a dump on the platform. He's thinking

 

Wow! Only one guy taking a dump in public! This is such a great city!

 

geronimo,

 

All that date stuff you mentioned sure sounds fun, but that's not what's going to keep her with him. What is going to make or break them is the boring time they spend together.

 

You guys had an issue, religion. You also had another issue, youth, but it isn't evident to you yet. The world is way too big, way too interesting for you to begin to believe that you could meet your one and only so soon in life. You are going through a rite of passage called heartbreak. She's probably never coming back, you're going to need to begin to believe that, or else, you'll get stuck. It doesn't matter if she's happy or not; it is beyond your control, and it changes every day anyway. Maybe you need to carry that picture of them around with you to remind you of your reality and to help you process your remaining feelings about the matter.

 

It's time to stop looking backwards, stop trying to wish for the past. Go forth in good conscience, and take a look at everything else the world has to offer.

[Jessie1231]

Maybe it seems better for her now just because it's something new and different, like all relationships can when you're just out of a long one.

 

Don't worry about the money thing. It's admirable and cool what you're doing - not a ton of people can say they have paid their own way through school and a lot of women will like that. And having dated someone with lots of money who spoiled me like crazy I can say with all certainty that it doesn't make a good relationship. Yes, the fun things we could do because he had money to spare was fun, but after a few months I realized that our relationship wasn't made out of anything aside from the fun things we could do together because of his money. Once you realize that, the relationship is doomed. So they may seem happy now but it's just the beginning so you have no idea how long that will last at all.

 

Good luck.

[Holmes85]

mightycpa,

 

If you did your best during the relationship, respected your partner, loved them for who they are, provided for them, cared for them, were honest with them and there was not any kind of abuse or cheating involved than what kind of an upgrade is your partner going to? Its never an upgrade leaving your partner for someone else, for what's it worth that 'upgrade' is based on other peoples hurt & mostly the next relationship starts with lies, guilt & shame ...great foundation for a 'relationship'.

 

And as for the guy who thinks 'wow! Only one guy taking a dump in public! This is a great city' ....its only looks great ...till he steps into one.

 

Like I said the grass is never greener on the other side.

[Kinetica84]

Hi guys, I just need to get this off my chest. My first love of 5 years broke up with me, it will be almost 3 months in a few days since we broke up. I have posted the whole story here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/515631-overthinking-kills. But long story short, she broke up with me used an excuse and started dating someone else pretty much in a week or 2. I went into NC and still am in NC. Only thing is I still have her on snapchat and I get tempted to view her story whenever she puts one up.

 

So after reading a few things I thought that maybe my ex's new bf is a rebound or GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) and it made me feel a little better thinking maybe she'll come back. I did keep that hope to a minimum because you never know if she'll come back or not, but a guy can hope. Anyways now that its almost 3 months I am alot better than before, I don't think about her all the time, no more crying or w/e, and I do think I can eventually get over her.

 

The reason why I'm writing this is because it was her birthday a couple days ago, I kept my NC and didn't wish her. But I was on FB and I have one of her friends on there, who posted a pic of my ex and her new bf, that was the first punch in the face. They looked so happy together and I want to be happy for her but seeing that really hurt. Now like I said before I think she left me because of GIGS, and maybe she did find greener pastures. The reason she used to breakup was that we have 2 different religions and that her family would never truly accept me cuz of that, now this new bf is the same religion as her. What makes it worse is, hes buying her love fully. He took her to a basket ball game couple days before her bday and today he took her to a hockey game and even got her name up on the jumbotron for her bday. Also her relationship with one of her friends has gotten better and they're "best friends" now and it seems like her life took a turn for the best after she left me. I feel so ****ty because I did take her out ever weekend for small things like dinner, movies, etc etc and once in a while we did something special, like go to a resort, or horse back riding, etc. I'm 22, and when i met her i was only 17, and I'm the kind of guy who doesn't ask his parents for money. I started working since I was 16 and have been paying for school and myself with my own money. My parents doing ok for themselves and can afford to pay for me but I guess its a pride thing that i like to pay for my own life. Anyways due to this, I couldn't spoil my ex like I wanted to. But her new bf comes from a wealthy family and he is buying her tickets to games, concerts, etc etc and I know it shouldn't bother me but it just hurts because I thought I was a great bf and that she may come back after a little while of realizing that not every guy is oging to be like me and GIGS, but it looks like she did find greener pastures and I dont think she'll be back anymore and that realization sinking in really is starting to sting and set me back.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I think you need to cut ALL CONTACT with her and that may mean blocking mutual friends. Ignorance is bliss my friend and you social networking lerking around will just feed your anxiety.

 

You say you had a job since 16 and paying your way through school. Take stock of this and realise how strong and self sufficient you are. Even though your parents can pay for you you're doing it on your. I done this myself and you this provided the foundations for me to survive this kind of thing.

 

Look at the caliber of your ex. Straight into another relationship. All she has proved to you is that she can't be by herself or be self sufficient. Do you really want a girl like that?

 

Lucky escape mate.

[mightycpa]

mightycpa,

 

If you did your best during the relationship, respected your partner, loved them for who they are, provided for them, cared for them, were honest with them and there was not any kind of abuse or cheating involved than what kind of an upgrade is your partner going to?

 

First, I want to issue the following disclaimer: What I have to say applies mostly to single people. Getting married means that there is a higher standard, even though some of the same principles may apply. But for now, I'm talking about unmarried people.

 

Holmes85, you pushed my button. I've got to respond.

 

If people loved only those who did as you described, then we'd all be chasing the same very small group of people. It's far better to love an imperfect person whose faults you can put up with than it is to spend your time with somebody who checks all the boxes, but you're not excited to be with them. People fall out of love for a reason, and it isn't always because they were treated badly.

 

Sometimes, you can't fall out of love, even though you were treated badly. Sound familiar? I think it might.

 

I think dogs love people for the kinds of reasons you've listed. A dog doesn't care if you're a thief or if you're intellectual or if you have a passion in your life or how you treat children and strangers or a million of the other things that make you unique. Dogs pretty much only care that you feed and shelter them, spend time and play with them and that you don't kick them. I think people see way more than just that; they see a lot of other aspects of you too. Sometimes, while what you've listed sounds great, it isn't nearly enough. If that's what you want, you should get a dog and a prostitute for your physical needs. Dogs love unconditionally and forever. You won't risk your heart with a dog and they will always appreciate you.

 

But as far a people are concerned, as long as you're ok with however you're being treated, then I can assure you that it is an upgrade to be with someone you really love over being with someone who's only perfect on paper but doesn't touch your heart.

 

Its never an upgrade leaving your partner for someone else, for what's it worth that 'upgrade' is based on other peoples hurt

First, she is not responsible for how you feel. You are. She didn't hurt you, you felt hurt because she left. It is very important that you understand who is ultimately responsible for how you feel. Hint: It isn't other people.

 

Now, let's assume that you've been the great person you've described and your GF dumps you because somebody else intrigues her, and her heart tells her she's interested in him. Let's even stipulate that comparatively, you will treat her better than the new guy. Should she sacrifice her happiness because she doesn't think you have what it takes to get through disappointment? What do you propose that she does about it? Ignore her heart? Stay with you even though she's attracted to someone else? A RS is not a prison sentence, my friend. Also, how exactly is she supposed to control who she is attracted to? If you could do that, you'd have chosen indifference the minute you found out you were done. Nobody can do that. The heart wants what the heart wants, and it's not necessarily the person who wants your heart, or the person your heart wanted yesterday.

 

What happens when you tire of her, and you meet someone else and you develop those tender feelings for the new girl? Do you say "Sorry, I really like you but I'm in a relationship with someone I've long since stopped loving, but she treats me very well. As you know, that is far more important than taking chances on love or following my heart. I know it could never be better than I have it right now. Plus, I would never hurt her, not even for my own happiness." That is completely ridiculous, no offense. Nobody can control their attraction, nor can they control when they will meet people or when attraction will occur. Nobody. Not even you. To not act on strong attraction does a disservice to all three people involved.

 

That said, there are right ways and wrong ways to go about it. Which brings me to your next point:

 

& mostly the next relationship starts with lies, guilt & shame ...great foundation for a 'relationship'.

I think you might just be projecting your own experience onto everybody. This is quite unfair, logically fallacious, untrue and even if it were true, most people learn from their mistakes. It may very well be a great foundation for the next relationship, because after a little reflection, the girl might later say, "Gee, that was pretty bad of me. I'll never do it that way again." What is probably more true is that the last relationship has nothing to do with this one, other than the new one ended the old one. After that, it is completely independent. The start is not the foundation.

 

What do you do if you're interested in somebody who is already seeing someone else? Inquire as to how well they are being treated before you decide to pursue? Swear them off? Wait? I submit that there is no correct answer to this question. There is only what each of us might do. Whatever we do, the onus is on that somebody in the relationship. If they cheat with you, and you decide to take them on-board, you're taking a calculated risk, aren't you? But just because they cheated on the ex doesn't mean they will cheat on you. It just means they've done it before.

 

I get the sense that you might want to revisit your own experience and maybe consider that this person just got to the finish line before you did. You may not have deserved to have it end the way it did, but I can assure you that if you're not ready for it, the end never feels good, even if the ending is honorable. I think maybe they did it that way because they didn't know how to be straight with you. Maybe it was immaturity, maybe you aren't equipped to handle disappointment, or maybe they just didn't give a damn. No matter what, a little forgiveness might go a long way for you. Obviously, I'm just guessing.

 

And as for the guy who thinks 'wow! Only one guy taking a dump in public! This is a great city' ....its only looks great ...till he steps into one

Or, he might just say, "Ah, reminds me a little of home.. but at least my other foot is nice and clean! Not like in my old city!"

 

Like I said the grass is never greener on the other side.

I don't mind at all that we disagree about this, but I hope for your sake you will consider what I had to say. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. There's only one way to find out. It's never about trust... you can't trust peoples' feelings to stay the same. People are too complex. It's about risk, and if you want big reward, you've got to take big risks, and be open to new things.

 

Peace be unto you, Holmes85.

[elaine567]

Like I said the grass is never greener on the other side.

 

That is not true.

If a person, who is in a dreadful relationship or a relationship they feel unhappy about for some reason, decides to end the relationship and go look for greener grass,

and then finds a good person who then shares their life, their hopes, their dreams;

the grass looked greener and in reality it WAS greener.

 

A person can be the best they can be and for some partners, that may not be enough; everyone has to acknowledge that.

The grass may not always be greener in life, but it doesn't mean it is NEVER greener.

If no-one ever went pursuing greener grass, we would all still be living in caves.

[devilish innocent]

I know it feels like a set back, but going through grief is a normal part of the healing process. At some point, you need to come to terms with the fact that she's moved on. I do think it's a good idea to close off enough remaining contact on social media. There's no reason to put yourself in the position for this to happen again., But at least now you are one step further along the process of letting go.

 

She will move on with her life. You will too. There will be other loves. In time, you will discover a new life. One with brand new horizons that you would have missed out on had you stayed with her. For now, just focus on taking care of yourself.

[Kinetica84]

First, I want to issue the following disclaimer: What I have to say applies mostly to single people. Getting married means that there is a higher standard, even though some of the same principles may apply. But for now, I'm talking about unmarried people.

 

Holmes85, you pushed my button. I've got to respond.

 

If people loved only those who did as you described, then we'd all be chasing the same very small group of people. It's far better to love an imperfect person whose faults you can put up with than it is to spend your time with somebody who checks all the boxes, but you're not excited to be with them. People fall out of love for a reason, and it isn't always because they were treated badly.

 

Sometimes, you can't fall out of love, even though you were treated badly. Sound familiar? I think it might.

 

I think dogs love people for the kinds of reasons you've listed. A dog doesn't care if you're a thief or if you're intellectual or if you have a passion in your life or how you treat children and strangers or a million of the other things that make you unique. Dogs pretty much only care that you feed and shelter them, spend time and play with them and that you don't kick them. I think people see way more than just that; they see a lot of other aspects of you too. Sometimes, while what you've listed sounds great, it isn't nearly enough. If that's what you want, you should get a dog and a prostitute for your physical needs. Dogs love unconditionally and forever. You won't risk your heart with a dog and they will always appreciate you.

 

But as far a people are concerned, as long as you're ok with however you're being treated, then I can assure you that it is an upgrade to be with someone you really love over being with someone who's only perfect on paper but doesn't touch your heart.

 

First, she is not responsible for how you feel. You are. She didn't hurt you, you felt hurt because she left. It is very important that you understand who is ultimately responsible for how you feel. Hint: It isn't other people.

 

Now, let's assume that you've been the great person you've described and your GF dumps you because somebody else intrigues her, and her heart tells her she's interested in him. Let's even stipulate that comparatively, you will treat her better than the new guy. Should she sacrifice her happiness because she doesn't think you have what it takes to get through disappointment? What do you propose that she does about it? Ignore her heart? Stay with you even though she's attracted to someone else? A RS is not a prison sentence, my friend. Also, how exactly is she supposed to control who she is attracted to? If you could do that, you'd have chosen indifference the minute you found out you were done. Nobody can do that. The heart wants what the heart wants, and it's not necessarily the person who wants your heart, or the person your heart wanted yesterday.

 

What happens when you tire of her, and you meet someone else and you develop those tender feelings for the new girl? Do you say "Sorry, I really like you but I'm in a relationship with someone I've long since stopped loving, but she treats me very well. As you know, that is far more important than taking chances on love or following my heart. I know it could never be better than I have it right now. Plus, I would never hurt her, not even for my own happiness." That is completely ridiculous, no offense. Nobody can control their attraction, nor can they control when they will meet people or when attraction will occur. Nobody. Not even you. To not act on strong attraction does a disservice to all three people involved.

 

That said, there are right ways and wrong ways to go about it. Which brings me to your next point:

 

I think you might just be projecting your own experience onto everybody. This is quite unfair, logically fallacious, untrue and even if it were true, most people learn from their mistakes. It may very well be a great foundation for the next relationship, because after a little reflection, the girl might later say, "Gee, that was pretty bad of me. I'll never do it that way again." What is probably more true is that the last relationship has nothing to do with this one, other than the new one ended the old one. After that, it is completely independent. The start is not the foundation.

 

What do you do if you're interested in somebody who is already seeing someone else? Inquire as to how well they are being treated before you decide to pursue? Swear them off? Wait? I submit that there is no correct answer to this question. There is only what each of us might do. Whatever we do, the onus is on that somebody in the relationship. If they cheat with you, and you decide to take them on-board, you're taking a calculated risk, aren't you? But just because they cheated on the ex doesn't mean they will cheat on you. It just means they've done it before.

 

I get the sense that you might want to revisit your own experience and maybe consider that this person just got to the finish line before you did. You may not have deserved to have it end the way it did, but I can assure you that if you're not ready for it, the end never feels good, even if the ending is honorable. I think maybe they did it that way because they didn't know how to be straight with you. Maybe it was immaturity, maybe you aren't equipped to handle disappointment, or maybe they just didn't give a damn. No matter what, a little forgiveness might go a long way for you. Obviously, I'm just guessing.

 

Or, he might just say, "Ah, reminds me a little of home.. but at least my other foot is nice and clean! Not like in my old city!"

 

I don't mind at all that we disagree about this, but I hope for your sake you will consider what I had to say. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. There's only one way to find out. It's never about trust... you can't trust peoples' feelings to stay the same. People are too complex. It's about risk, and if you want big reward, you've got to take big risks, and be open to new things.

 

Peace be unto you, Holmes85.

 

Epic post.

 

This is making me challenge my outlook on relationships.

 

Still hurts when cheated on though and it is hard to forgive and move on.

[geronimo]

Thanks everyone for your input I really appreciate it and it is really helping me out.

 

Holmes - yea I agree, usually things aren't what they seem and I should stop beating myself up for whatever is happening in her life. I know I treated her exceptionally well up till the end of the relationship and never took her for granted throughout the 5 years and that counts for something.

 

Jessie - thank you so much and yea I do take pride in the fact that I was able to tough it out and pay my way through school and work at the same time. Sure I didn't take her out to crazy dates and expensive things but I never once made her pay for anything when we were out because thats the kind of guy I am, even 5 years down the road. Now I dont know if she admired the fact that I was paying for my own life, education, etc etc since she never really mentioned it and she was younger and also from a fairly well off family but I know i tried my best and I guess I can take comfort in that.

 

Kinetica - I agree man seeing that she jumped into a relationship really opened my eyes to how dependant she is on other people. I know she was really dependant on me throughout our relationship but I didnt mind it, kinda liked it actually, maybe its a guy thing cuz we want to be the "providers" but the fact that she just jumped from our relationship to another is kind of disgusting.

 

Mighty - Your posts really put things into perspective. You're right people lose feelings, and down the line can be attracted to someone else and that is probably what happened in my situation. It sucks cuz i know i can treat her better than this guy but at the same time, its not fair to her or me if she sticks around with me when her heart isn't fully into the relationship. Again it hurts like a bitch to realize that you did everything and put your 110% into the relationship and it wasn't enough for the other. But like you said, she isn't responsible for my hurt, only I'm responsible for it.

In your first post you said

You guys had an issue, religion. You also had another issue, youth, but it isn't evident to you yet.

I know we had these issues, we both knew that going into the relationship. But we had talked about it, and had figured out a way to make it work. We even spoke about it a few months before we broke up. I had joked around with her one day saying I would want her to convert and she took it to heart and used that as a way out of the relationship. I guess thats where the youth/immaturity problem came in. I'm not gonna say I'm mature, but I am more mature than most 22 year olds and I know what I want from life and meeting her, getting to know her and her family, I knew thats what I wanted, sure I was tempted by other girls too but ultimately I knew she was worth more than that and I think thats a mark of maturity. Something which I now realize she lacked.

 

You're also right, she's probably never coming back and I think thats what hurts the most is because I love her so much and I could never think of leaving her no matter what, even though she had given me so many reasons to leave but to her it was so easy.

 

I promised myself I wouldn't post this on this forum but I guess i'll post a bit about it. She has a few health problems, and she has surgeries coming up in the next year or so. To be honest, I really do not see this guy sticking around for it when **** gets real. Now I can be wrong, I would have definitely been there for her and its not like I'm something special so maybe he will too but I can't tell. I guess that gives me some hope, even though it shouldn't cuz 1. It may not happen and he may be with her and god knows they might even get married down the road and 2. its not fair to me if he dumps her and she comes back to me because she knows she doesn't have anyone else to be there for her.

 

Now logically I know I need to forget her and move on, there are thousands of other girls out there and she may never come back to me. But like you said the heart wants what it wants. Hopefully I can get over her, even though 3 months down the road with NC I have some great days and some days where I want to just kill myself, today being one of the latter. But theres nothing I can do to get her back, if its meant to be it will be. Thank you all for your input, it really meant a lot to me.

[Holmes85]

mightycpa,

 

I don't know what was about my last post that made you feel your buttons being pushed, but I wholeheartedly disagree with what you have written.

 

I think dogs love people for the kinds of reasons you've listed. A dog doesn't care if you're a thief or if you're intellectual or if you have a passion in your life or how you treat children and strangers or a million of the other things that make you unique. Dogs pretty much only care that you feed and shelter them, spend time and play with them and that you don't kick them. I think people see way more than just that; they see a lot of other aspects of you too. Sometimes, while what you've listed sounds great, it isn't nearly enough. If that's what you want, you should get a dog and a prostitute for your physical needs. Dogs love unconditionally and forever. You won't risk your heart with a dog and they will always appreciate you.

So basically if you have got your life together and someone appreciates the qualities of you and wants to settle for you, they are either a dog or a prostitute?

 

If someone loves you unconditionally it has got to be a dog or a prostitute who appreicates you?

 

If people loved only those who did as you described, then we'd all be chasing the same very small group of people. It's far better to love an imperfect person whose faults you can put up with than it is to spend your time with somebody who checks all the boxes, but you're not excited to be with them. People fall out of love for a reason, and it isn't always because they were treated badly.

Basically what you are saying is, forget the standards, go for imperfect people, find people with problems, appreicate them, fix them, who needs someone who can check all the boxes anyway?

 

First, she is not responsible for how you feel. You are. She didn't hurt you, you felt hurt because she left. It is very important that you understand who is ultimately responsible for how you feel. Hint: It isn't other people.

So basically when someone points a gun at you and shoots you, it's not his fault that you are feeling pain, you allowed yourself to feel the pain?

 

What happens when you tire of her, and you meet someone else and you develop those tender feelings for the new girl? Do you say "Sorry, I really like you but I'm in a relationship with someone I've long since stopped loving, but she treats me very well. As you know, that is far more important than taking chances on love or following my heart. I know it could never be better than I have it right now. Plus, I would never hurt her, not even for my own happiness." That is completely ridiculous, no offense. Nobody can control their attraction, nor can they control when they will meet people or when attraction will occur. Nobody. Not even you. To not act on strong attraction does a disservice to all three people involved.

If I have to sum up what you are saying here is, today I'm with you, tomorrow I'm with someone else, today my heart is with you, tomorrow it's with someone else, a heart wants what it wants, can't control it?

 

Dude....I've to ask, have you completely lost your mind?

 

I assume the advice you offer here, you also apply it to your own life, so I've to ask you this, how has it been working out for you so far?

 

What you are offering here are a bunch of half baked ideas, that seem interesting at first, but are useless in terms of getting a solution to the problem.

 

Having read your posts and your recent thread "14001 days of NC" I have to say, the grass was never greener for you.

 

And this is not some sort of a personal attack on you or something, it's merely my take on it, you can discard the whole thing and disagree with it (like I did with yours), but you have to keep things in prespective and separate imaginary thinking with reality.

 

Do you know when the grass is greener for you, when you have found someone who appreicates you for who you are, is willing to settle down with you, respects you as a person and believe what they have is all they need and aren't looking left and right and thinking "this seems more greener to me", they are commited to you and would do their best to make their grass seem better, that is when the grass is truly greener.

Edited February 19, 2015 by Holmes85
!

[Jimmyjackson]

First, I want to issue the following disclaimer: What I have to say applies mostly to single people. Getting married means that there is a higher standard, even though some of the same principles may apply. But for now, I'm talking about unmarried people.

 

Holmes85, you pushed my button. I've got to respond.

 

If people loved only those who did as you described, then we'd all be chasing the same very small group of people. It's far better to love an imperfect person whose faults you can put up with than it is to spend your time with somebody who checks all the boxes, but you're not excited to be with them. People fall out of love for a reason, and it isn't always because they were treated badly.

 

Sometimes, you can't fall out of love, even though you were treated badly. Sound familiar? I think it might.

 

I think dogs love people for the kinds of reasons you've listed. A dog doesn't care if you're a thief or if you're intellectual or if you have a passion in your life or how you treat children and strangers or a million of the other things that make you unique. Dogs pretty much only care that you feed and shelter them, spend time and play with them and that you don't kick them. I think people see way more than just that; they see a lot of other aspects of you too. Sometimes, while what you've listed sounds great, it isn't nearly enough. If that's what you want, you should get a dog and a prostitute for your physical needs. Dogs love unconditionally and forever. You won't risk your heart with a dog and they will always appreciate you.

 

But as far a people are concerned, as long as you're ok with however you're being treated, then I can assure you that it is an upgrade to be with someone you really love over being with someone who's only perfect on paper but doesn't touch your heart.

 

First, she is not responsible for how you feel. You are. She didn't hurt you, you felt hurt because she left. It is very important that you understand who is ultimately responsible for how you feel. Hint: It isn't other people.

 

Now, let's assume that you've been the great person you've described and your GF dumps you because somebody else intrigues her, and her heart tells her she's interested in him. Let's even stipulate that comparatively, you will treat her better than the new guy. Should she sacrifice her happiness because she doesn't think you have what it takes to get through disappointment? What do you propose that she does about it? Ignore her heart? Stay with you even though she's attracted to someone else? A RS is not a prison sentence, my friend. Also, how exactly is she supposed to control who she is attracted to? If you could do that, you'd have chosen indifference the minute you found out you were done. Nobody can do that. The heart wants what the heart wants, and it's not necessarily the person who wants your heart, or the person your heart wanted yesterday.

 

What happens when you tire of her, and you meet someone else and you develop those tender feelings for the new girl? Do you say "Sorry, I really like you but I'm in a relationship with someone I've long since stopped loving, but she treats me very well. As you know, that is far more important than taking chances on love or following my heart. I know it could never be better than I have it right now. Plus, I would never hurt her, not even for my own happiness." That is completely ridiculous, no offense. Nobody can control their attraction, nor can they control when they will meet people or when attraction will occur. Nobody. Not even you. To not act on strong attraction does a disservice to all three people involved.

 

That said, there are right ways and wrong ways to go about it. Which brings me to your next point:

 

I think you might just be projecting your own experience onto everybody. This is quite unfair, logically fallacious, untrue and even if it were true, most people learn from their mistakes. It may very well be a great foundation for the next relationship, because after a little reflection, the girl might later say, "Gee, that was pretty bad of me. I'll never do it that way again." What is probably more true is that the last relationship has nothing to do with this one, other than the new one ended the old one. After that, it is completely independent. The start is not the foundation.

 

What do you do if you're interested in somebody who is already seeing someone else? Inquire as to how well they are being treated before you decide to pursue? Swear them off? Wait? I submit that there is no correct answer to this question. There is only what each of us might do. Whatever we do, the onus is on that somebody in the relationship. If they cheat with you, and you decide to take them on-board, you're taking a calculated risk, aren't you? But just because they cheated on the ex doesn't mean they will cheat on you. It just means they've done it before.

 

I get the sense that you might want to revisit your own experience and maybe consider that this person just got to the finish line before you did. You may not have deserved to have it end the way it did, but I can assure you that if you're not ready for it, the end never feels good, even if the ending is honorable. I think maybe they did it that way because they didn't know how to be straight with you. Maybe it was immaturity, maybe you aren't equipped to handle disappointment, or maybe they just didn't give a damn. No matter what, a little forgiveness might go a long way for you. Obviously, I'm just guessing.

 

Or, he might just say, "Ah, reminds me a little of home.. but at least my other foot is nice and clean! Not like in my old city!"

 

I don't mind at all that we disagree about this, but I hope for your sake you will consider what I had to say. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. There's only one way to find out. It's never about trust... you can't trust peoples' feelings to stay the same. People are too complex. It's about risk, and if you want big reward, you've got to take big risks, and be open to new things.

 

Peace be unto you, Holmes85.

 

Fantastic post, especially the bit about attraction. My ex emotionally cheated on me, found someone else, and although my friends say she **** on me and stuff like that...I think that it's something you just can't control. She didn't cheat on me physically and that's the bit you can control, which is good I guess.

 

Anyway, my point is that bit really cemented what I was thinking but couldn't put into words.

[ASG]

mightycpa,

 

If you did your best during the relationship, respected your partner, loved them for who they are, provided for them, cared for them, were honest with them and there was not any kind of abuse or cheating involved than what kind of an upgrade is your partner going to? Its never an upgrade leaving your partner for someone else, for what's it worth that 'upgrade' is based on other peoples hurt & mostly the next relationship starts with lies, guilt & shame ...great foundation for a 'relationship'.

 

And as for the guy who thinks 'wow! Only one guy taking a dump in public! This is a great city' ....its only looks great ...till he steps into one.

 

Like I said the grass is never greener on the other side.

 

 

So you advocate staying with someone even if you're not happy and don't love them anymore??

 

because... yes, sometimes the grass is indeed greener. Which is why I hate that people use the "GIGS" thing to try and justify someone dumping them. Quite frankly, more often than not, the grass WAS greener and they did get an upgrade and are now happy. Or happier.

 

I know that I will NEVER settle for a relationship that doesn't make me happy, even if my partner is great on paper.

[runredlights]

Fantastic post, especially the bit about attraction. My ex emotionally cheated on me, found someone else, and although my friends say she **** on me and stuff like that...I think that it's something you just can't control. She didn't cheat on me physically and that's the bit you can control, which is good I guess.

 

Anyway, my point is that bit really cemented what I was thinking but couldn't put into words.

 

Iv got a thread I made a couple months ago called "The cheater left me" if you're interested in checking it out. The first thing that got me into loveshack was googleing grass is greener syndrome. I think gigs definitely can be true, but I also think it can be a rationalization to protect the ego. My ex left me and came back after a month with tears and tons of seemingly true sincere regret and apologized over and over again. I am still having a hard time taking her back and frankly I'm not sure if I can or want to.

 

The thing I did was work on myself as cliche as that sounds. I wasn't a bum or anything even close to it before the BU and none of her leaving me was my fault AT ALL.

 

The BU was a blessing in disguise because I realized that I can be happy without her. Got an awesome job, I'm ripped out of my mind, started seeing my friends more, got out and talked to more girls, found things I loved to do which I hadn't made time for when with her because I was too co dependent on her for happiness.

[Jimmyjackson]

Iv got a thread I made a couple months ago called "The cheater left me" if you're interested in checking it out. The first thing that got me into loveshack was googleing grass is greener syndrome. I think gigs definitely can be true, but I also think it can be a rationalization to protect the ego. My ex left me and came back after a month with tears and tons of seemingly true sincere regret and apologized over and over again. I am still having a hard time taking her back and frankly I'm not sure if I can or want to.

 

The thing I did was work on myself as cliche as that sounds. I wasn't a bum or anything even close to it before the BU and none of her leaving me was my fault AT ALL.

 

The BU was a blessing in disguise because I realized that I can be happy without her. Got an awesome job, I'm ripped out of my mind, started seeing my friends more, got out and talked to more girls, found things I loved to do which I hadn't made time for when with her because I was too co dependent on her for happiness.

 

Did she cheat on you physically? if so i can see why you'd struggle to take her back, I don't think I could do if that was the case. Yeah I've done a lot of working on myself too I just need to sort my job situation out haha

[jus d'orange]

Regarding the fairly polar argument that is happening here, I just wanted to say:

 

It's always more complex than acronyms!

 

Especially when people are younger or simply less mature, it's easy to leave behind a good thing to chase the unknown or to pursue excitement. Whether that's right or wrong is sort of irrelevant; if somebody cannot commit themselves to a relationship, then they shouldn't be in that relationship.

 

That being said, there are times when people aren't happy in a relationship or even when they fall out of love, but I've heard older happy couples talk about how they overcame experiences like that! Developing serious, enduring love bonds takes years and throwing away a relationship with some significant growth and history because it requires some serious work isn't necessarily a good answer either. I read pretty often on here that there are toxic relationships and yes people need to move on from those, but in other circumstances people seem like they have what stands generally as a healthy relationship, and yet somebody breaks it up and pursues other things instead.

 

I'm not convinced that just because somebody isn't sure or happy about something, even for an extended period of time, that it's time to move on. It can't be so clear cut. That being said, there are people who KNOW that they'll never be ready to be sure about something, and those people should frankly be kind and avoid committed relationships until they can accept that the reward of someone else's commitment requires work and commitment on their own end.

 

EDIT: sometimes people want to "see what's out there," and by that they mean that they already know what's out there and they simply want to move on to somebody else and tell a gentle lie about it. Can't say I condone that!

Edited February 20, 2015 by jus d'orange

[bubbaganoosh]

I found out that when there's a break up and the person on the receiving end asks for a reason and gets it, it's never good enough and always requires another question which the answer is still not good enough, like a dog chasing it's tail.

 

Face facts, she's gone and the only way to make things better is stop dwelling on her. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and a guy with a plan for your life. don't let this derail your future. You worked hard for what you have without outside help and you'll find the right girl and all will be good. Just detach the past with her and move on. Your not the only one this has happened to and believe me there's a ton of people on here that lived through it and are doing good.

[Light Breeze]

Is it more often that not is the grass is greener on the other side? Who knows.. Without data which covers 100% of the population, know one can tell.

 

Irrelevant anyhow, they left, we move on, the end.

[runredlights]

Regarding the fairly polar argument that is happening here, I just wanted to say:

 

It's always more complex than acronyms!

 

Especially when people are younger or simply less mature, it's easy to leave behind a good thing to chase the unknown or to pursue excitement. Whether that's right or wrong is sort of irrelevant; if somebody cannot commit themselves to a relationship, then they shouldn't be in that relationship.

 

That being said, there are times when people aren't happy in a relationship or even when they fall out of love, but I've heard older happy couples talk about how they overcame experiences like that! Developing serious, enduring love bonds takes years and throwing away a relationship with some significant growth and history because it requires some serious work isn't necessarily a good answer either. I read pretty often on here that there are toxic relationships and yes people need to move on from those, but in other circumstances people seem like they have what stands generally as a healthy relationship, and yet somebody breaks it up and pursues other things instead.

 

I'm not convinced that just because somebody isn't sure or happy about something, even for an extended period of time, that it's time to move on. It can't be so clear cut. That being said, there are people who KNOW that they'll never be ready to be sure about something, and those people should frankly be kind and avoid committed relationships until they can accept that the reward of someone else's commitment requires work and commitment on their own end.

 

EDIT: sometimes people want to "see what's out there," and by that they mean that they already know what's out there and they simply want to move on to somebody else and tell a gentle lie about it. Can't say I condone that!

 

That's comical and probably true in a lot of circumstance. I don't believe it was the case though because she didn't have any "suitors" lined up. I know this to be true and did a lot of digging and borderline password stalking (which i'm not proud of) after she tried reconciling to make sure that wasn't the case. If it were and if her new toy just didn't work out then I would have been gone so fast. None of that was the case.

 

JimmyJackson-I don't know how to quote multiple posts, but yes I was cheated on physically. She did tell me about it the next morning though if that counts for anything. Part of me contemplating getting back together was making sure this was all that happened (just making out). I had my ex call the girl whose house she was at when she cheated and listened to the conversation on speaker as she asked her friend what happened without the other girl knowing that I was listening. I also had my ex contact the guy and do the same while on speaker to affirm this was all that happened with him.

 

My ex is younger than me, but not by a significant amount. Part of Gibson/ Homebrews famous gigs thread is about people changing a lot between the ages of 18-25 so in that sense 2 or 3 years can make a world of difference as opposed to people in their mid to late 30's. I think people can come back from something like this, but not without an enormous amount of effort from the dumper. She has cheated, abandoned me, and lost 100% of my trust and it will take a long time for me to trust her again if it is at all possible.

 

The ball is completely in my court now and me choosing not to want her back is completely justifiable and righteous if I cannot get over what happened. I really wish none of it ever happened obviously. I do still love her despite it. She just has to move mountains and prove to me that she is worth a second chance.