such_is_life Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Scenario: I have been exclusive with my boyfriend for roughly three months (we dated for a short while before becoming bf/gf). In recent weeks, I've noticed that he has started taking much longer to respond to texts (hours as opposed to minutes). I realize that everyone gets busy, so I wasn't too panicky, but then it started to get worse. Hours turned into days and now sometimes he doesn't respond at all. More and more frequently, we go 2-3 days without talking at all because he doesn't respond to any of my attempts at communication, and he rarely reaches out first to communicate. We discussed this issue somewhat last week. I said that I noticed he kind of disappears for days at a time without any contact and on day two or three, I start to get upset/frustrated. He said he didn't realize he wasn't doing it. He was just busy, but he would try harder in the future. However, here we are less than a week later, and I haven't heard from him for the past two days (I've sent him 2-3 texts in the past 48 hours, so not an amount I deem excessive but enough to warrant a response). I want to cut him some slack considering he is a full time student. He also has diagnoses of Asperger's and depression so that plays into the equation as well. When we're together, it's great. It's just starting to feel like he's only interested when we're together in the same room, and he could care less all the other times. If feels as though I should be available for him whenever he wants, but he'll be available when he chooses. I think the biggest issue that I'm having is that we recently discussed the fact that he is in communication with his ex-girlfriend. They dated for many, many years and were on and off. I've been concerned that she viewed their most recent break up as just another "off" period, and she was planning to get back together with him when she had gotten everything out of her system that she needed to (i.e. seeing other guys). She posts on his facebook wall sometimes, so I asked him how close they were (he had mentioned her before, so it wasn't as though my asking about her was completely out of the blue). He said they're friends who talk occasionally. The same day, my bf was showing me a video on his FB page, and he checked his messages while I was sitting right next to him. I discovered that they have been messaging each other (I have no idea what they're saying because I didn't read the messages, but I know it was recent because her message was above mine in the inbox, and I had just messaged him a few days before). Another concerning aspect is that based on the timeline, he had to have been FB messaging her during the two day time period last week when I didn't hear anything from him, and he didn't respond to my messages. I realize that I tend to over-analyze everything, and I'm trying not to be paranoid, but it just seems fishy. Not responding to a text right away is fine. Not responding to a text at all every once in a while is okay. Consistently not responding to texts, taking hours to respond, or disappearing days at a time seems odd. Especially since we discussed it as being problematic. The fact that he's talking to his ex girlfriend on top of it (especially when he's not responding to me) is an extra shot of painful. So, am I being paranoid? Or does this seem odd? I don't want to ruin a good thing by over thinking it, but I also don't want to be blindsided by something either. Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.
Buddhist Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 No-one here can really know what's going on. Often guys do thoughtless things that impact us greatly because we have ascribed a motivation to it that isn't there. In reality sometimes they really are that oblivious to how their behaviour is coming across. I know you've had that talk about the behaviour, but you probably did not explain why that behaviour is getting to you. Guys can't just intuit this because often their mode of thinking is entirely different to ours. And if they are lacking the reason why they will not see changing the behaviour as a priority, it simply becomes something you are irrationally whinging about. The thing is. If there is something happening between him and his ex, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it anyway. Wait until you are confronted with something that has happened before you get upset about it. After 3 months of constant texting it's completely normal for that level of communication to drop off. Guys have a habit of thinking....well that was something special I was doing to woo her, it's not needed now, and I'll revert to my old texting habits. Courting behaviour shouldn't be expected to continue forever. I often think the worst thing women do in relationships is panic as soon as the honeymoon is over, thinking it's a sure sign that the relationship is about to end. It's just a normal relationship phase. I really don't think there is solid evidence here of anything going awry. I would need to see a marked change in his behaviour, whereabouts and a new habit of secrecy and verbal slips before I worried too much. As someone who's been cheated on twice, I can assure you, men are the worst secret keepers in the world. They can't help but betray themselves one way or another. If they are cheating it soon comes from their very own mouths in a seemingly innocent comment that they haven't realised they've made.
bathtub-row Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 It's too soon into this relationship to have these kinds of problems. I'd recommend that you stop sending him texts and stop pursuing him in general. If I were in this situation, I'd disappear; basically dumping him without saying a word. If he ever re-appears, tell him to kiss off. There's no reason to tolerate being treated this way. 1
Diezel Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Something tells me he doesn't think you are his "girlfriend". 1
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 You are not paranoid. Basically your boyfriend is losing interest in you as he gains more interest in his ex. His autism just makes him concentrate on 1 thing and hard for him to play both of you at the same time. After so little time dating you just break it and move on. Good boyfriend material men do not chat up with their ex while they have unanswered 2 days old text from their girlfriends.
d0nnivain Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 If he had a full time job I would be less concerned about the amount of time it takes to respond. He's a full time student. Yes, that has a lot of responsibility but it also comes with a great deal of free time. Best case scenario, he's depressed & not feeling talkative. More like scenario the EX-GF is back. You have 3 choices: * deal with it & continue to be ignored (will most likely increase your frustration) * chase him down & hash it out (will most likely result in no change or a break up) * disappear / fade out on him (I'm not very confrontational so I would probably do this after only 3 months) 1
sportygirl89 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Don't let him get away just because he has Asperger's. Men know what they're doing most of the time. My ex had PTSD and always played off his emotions or him wanting to talk to his ex-wife. You will get your heart broken if you don't stop seeing him and see someone who is more emotionally stable. I've been single for the past two years since my ex hurt me emotionally with all the mind games. I've turned away numerous good guys after him because of the mind games he always played with me. Ignore him for a few days, see if he responds (if not end the relationship). All relationships need communication.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 OP I think its OK for him to talk to his ex as a friend I'm not very worried about that. But because he won't communicate with you, it tells me that something is wrong and he isn't fully interested in you. Has he made you feel special recently?
EgoJoe Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) Don't make excuses for his behavior because of conditions. Next. He's being negligent and his behavior is seemingly desperate due to his contact with an Ex who thought she could just break up with him for an off period. That shows that he doesn't respect himself. If he doesn't respect himself he can't respect you. Edited February 18, 2015 by EgoJoe
mammasita Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Absolutely NO excuse for disappearing for days at a time when you are supposedly in a relationship. A text takes SECONDS. Trust your gut. From your post, my gut is telling me he's involved with his ex again. Why are they even friends? Exes are exes for a reason!!!!! I can pretty much guarantee that if you dig deeper or even wait it out, you'll find he's up to no good. Ditch this guy ASAP.
bathtub-row Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 OP I think its OK for him to talk to his ex as a friend I'm not very worried about that. But because he won't communicate with you, it tells me that something is wrong and he isn't fully interested in you. Has he made you feel special recently? Interesting. My 24-yr old son started dating someone after the break up with his long term gf. His ex later wanted to be friends again. He told her no, that it would be disrespectful to his new gf. End of story.
Diezel Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Interesting. My 24-yr old son started dating someone after the break up with his long term gf. His ex later wanted to be friends again. He told her no, that it would be disrespectful to his new gf. End of story. This is the correct response. 1
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