LawsofAttraction Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 What's up love shack ! Just wanted some input as to how ya'll deal with anxiety during the early stages of a relationship. I just started dating this girl. I'm taking things real slow and portraying self confidence while playing it calm cool and collected and maintaining a challenge. I'm doing all the right things to increase attraction and it's working. But damn I feel like I'm becoming attached too quickly. And although I do not show it, I'm going through some awful mental warfare. I just want my mind to be in a place where I can be happy about the progress we have made thus far instead of being constantly anxious during the time between dates and leading up to the date. I don't know why it is but relationships have always caused me a great deal of constant inner turmoil... =\
Philosoraptor Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Overthinking much? Just be you and do what comes natural, and you will attract the most compatible mates. If the feelings are mutual the relationship will grow. If not, be thankful it ended sooner so you didn't waste time on something that wasn't a natural fit.
mightycpa Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I dated other girls at the same time. That really tamped down those feelings of premature attachment.
preraph Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I think doing that is a huge relationship killer. The reason is that it's way too soon for you to know you are that attached, but what happens is that so far she hasn't burst the bubble of the ideal woman image in your head. So far, you can still pretend she's it. She's not. No one is that image in your head. But that's why it's crazy. And smart people know this is why and for that reason feel you're a little delusional while most regard it only as desperate. That said, it's a very common problem. I have trouble reining myself in too. We're in love with love and get carried away. It's not really unnatural, but it does scare off many people, so I think you are full-on right to suppress the need to express this and let it all spew out. You have to only do what's appropriate and make yourself take rational steps and not just burn out like a shooting star. If you have to to keep yourself in check, write out the steps and how long before you talk about this or ask her to do that or talk to her about exclusivity and make sure your timeline and steps all make sense and make mental notes all along the way of Is she really the person to take the next step with. I know it's hard, believe me, but I've scared off so many guys letting myself torch on them too soon.
BluEyeL Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I can relate. I have huge anxiety in the beginning of a relationship, for the first 3-6 months, really. OMG, how much I hate that stage!! I am so happy that we are almost 8 months in and that is finally gone (it's been gone from about 6 months or so). I also absolutely do not show it!! So how did I deal with it? I had some mantras I was repeating when anxiety creeped in. "X loves me" was something I was repeating. "I'm awesome and X loves me". "Everything is going great for me"...things like that. Whenever an anxious thought came by, I was trying to just replace it with something good, but saying things like that to myself. I was also saying things like "let things be. let relationships be and flow, don't try to make them into what they're not". I didn't 100% get rid of the anxiety, but these things helped mitigate it and kept me much more calm. He never knew that I wasn't as cool as I acted. He will never know.
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I used a lot of positive self talk & I played some games with myself. I would intentionally limit how much I let myself contact the other person to avoid coming on too strong. If I legitimately missed a call or text, I would wait 1 hour to respond. I made sure I had plans with friend one night per weekend so that I wasn't tempted to give all my time to the new person. I tried to required a minimum # of dates before sex / being alone in a house with the new person. I didn't want to make a decision about sex based on hormones alone. I had friends who I would call when I wanted to call the other person but knew I couldn't (especially when it was only about 20 minutes after I just got off the phone with him -- lol) I made sure we talked about some of the taboo subjects (politics, abortion, religion, etc.) before we were intimate. Not immediately before but that subjects had been touched up because I wanted to be with somebody who could articulate well-reasoned support for his beliefs & who didn't shy away from hot button topics.
Rko28 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Interesting thread. Its something I've struggled with in pretty much every relationship ive had, almost to the point in that if im dating someone and dont get that feeling then I end it. Also interesting that someone has posted that it comes to an end, that is the best part of it, when it goes you know you trust them and they trust you. Its a beautiful feeling. 1
katiegrl Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) What's up love shack ! Just wanted some input as to how ya'll deal with anxiety during the early stages of a relationship. I just started dating this girl. I'm taking things real slow and portraying self confidence while playing it calm cool and collected and maintaining a challenge. I'm doing all the right things to increase attraction and it's working. But damn I feel like I'm becoming attached too quickly. And although I do not show it, I'm going through some awful mental warfare. I just want my mind to be in a place where I can be happy about the progress we have made thus far instead of being constantly anxious during the time between dates and leading up to the date. I don't know why it is but relationships have always caused me a great deal of constant inner turmoil... =\ How long have you been dating her? Are you having sex? Exclusive? Anxiety and uncertainty is normal for the first couple of months...but after that you should really start feeling more secure and "safer." If you're not...something isn't right and it may be wise to start evaluating if this is the right relationship for you. Relationships are supposed to *add to" and *enhance* our lives...make us happy and feeling safe and secure. Not overwrought with anxiety..and whatever other "mental warfare" you are having with yourself... Just saying.. it may not be you... but the girl herself that may not be right for you...assuming you've been dating her for longer than a couple of months.. Edited February 19, 2015 by katiegrl
BluEyeL Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I think putting artificial deadlines and rules such as "by two months, x must happen", "by six months, y must happen" only contributes to the anxiety. OMG, it's been Z number of months and he/she didn't do this or that... ok, must break up, must bring it up. You can create more drama than necessary. For me, part of the anxiety was related to these "deadlines". OMG, is he calling me his GF by "this time"? He didn't say I love you and it's been 5 months etc etc etc. I think building trust and truly falling in love (not lust) takes various amounts of time for different people. Of course one cannot wait forever for the security to set in, or for different relationship stages to happen, but artificial rules and deadlines are doing more bad than good. 1
katiegrl Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I think putting artificial deadlines and rules such as "by two months, x must happen", "by six months, y must happen" only contributes to the anxiety. OMG, it's been Z number of months and he/she didn't do this or that... ok, must break up, must bring it up. You can create more drama than necessary. For me, part of the anxiety was related to these "deadlines". OMG, is he calling me his GF by "this time"? He didn't say I love you and it's been 5 months etc etc etc. I think building trust and truly falling in love (not lust) takes various amounts of time for different people. Of course one cannot wait forever for the security to set in, or for different relationship stages to happen, but artificial rules and deadlines are doing more bad than good. Fair enough... but for me personally if I am still feeling uncertain and anxious after dating a guy a couple of months..something isn't" t right and I will move on... Actually in all my relationships, I have only felt that type of uncertainty the first couple of weeks! I mean, either we click or we don't ... it's not that complicated... or it shouldn't be IMHO.. But you're right everyone is different. And if one is okay feeling anxious and uncertain for an extended period of time.. so be it! Whatever works!
BluEyeL Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 That's probably because you're moving faster in relationships than some other people. I remember after about 3 months of dating and after becoming intimate, one evening i didn't get a text from him, for the first time. I dug my heels in, and I didn't text him either. Nothing. So I freaked out, I was making these scenarios on how he lost interest and I was totally batsh.it crazy, but didn't say anything. Next day we met for a date and he told me he was worried that I didn't reply to his text the night before. I showed him my phone, I never got it. He showed me his phone he sent a long text and I never replied. he said he had a hard time calming down. So we were freaking out in our respective residences for no reason. i thought that was quite cute and I learned that freaking out is often unwarranted.
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