Juked_again Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I've been married almost 10 years and my husband and I have been living in different countries, not by choice, the last few and been trying to get my visa in the UK. We both have been struggling financially and recently he couldn't afford to get me anything for Valentine's Day. I was totally cool with it BUT I found out a few days later that he went to a strip club the day after Valentine's Day when he said he was going to his mothers for dinner. It doesn't end there, I've been struggling with depression and a week prior he said he's starting to struggle with it and might take a few days off work to deal with it. I felt really bad and said he should also talk to someone about it. It's very hard having to live apart and seeing each other a few times a year... That was before I knew he had already had it planned and was taking that day off because he knew he wouldn't make it into work the next day, not to seek out help for the depression. Should I can his ass because to me there is no damn reason for a married man to be in a strip club without his wife and it not being a special occasion, aka bachelor party! Also because he can't even save a dollar for his wife for a Valentine's Day card but you sure as hell have it for a stripper?! WTF?!!!!
CarrieT Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I'd call him on it, yes. Totally inappropriate to claim poverty AND lie about his whereabouts. 5
Spectre Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I don't think it's worth "canning his ass" over though. Especially considering the distance and time spent apart. I am not saying it is okay by any means. I also just don't understand, why didn't you guys wait until you were able to actually..be living in the same country together, before you got married? Though his saying he can't afford to get you anything for Valentines Day is also an odd lie. Seriously though..technically you can get like, a single rose or two from a gas station for like 99 cents. It's not true he couldn't get you ANYTHING. 2
Author Juked_again Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 I agree that it was inappropriate! As far as waiting, it's a long story but we were trying to get him here but couldn't, again long story and nothing illegal. As far as I'm concerned when your forced to be apart you shouldn't hide stuff like that! He should be making me feel secure that his goal is on getting me there. I quit a job to go be with him and I was making good money! I thought I'd be living with him now but because of the financial requirements to sponser there he is just short of it. I furnished the whole entire house inside and out over the summer there and came back thinking he was going to help get me back there but now I feel a bit used as if he's kinda starting to enjoy having his own place! All his friends were impressed because I'm an interior decorater and basically poshed it out! Now I'm here and he's there and I'm having trouble getting a decent paying job...
Mal78 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I agree, a valentine gesture doesn't have to cost a penny. We couldn't afford Valentine's this year (aka going out) however my H managed to do special things for me for free. I appreciate and will remember it more than flowers and a card. It sounds like your H is selfish and immature and YES you should evaluate your M/relationship before you keep investing more into it. If he truly wants you there more than life itself he would get the money to do so. There would be nothing to stop him from that goal. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I've been married almost 10 years and my husband and I have been living in different countries, not by choice, the last few and been trying to get my visa in the UK. Have you spoken about the rules and guidelines for your relationship when apart for so long? After a certain point, the heart no longer grows fonder... Mr. Lucky
Author Juked_again Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 He has never cheated on me that I know of...... And no we never defined any rules about us being apart because we never thought it would take sooo long. What was said from day 1 is that any cheating will NOT be condoned! My brother always has gone to strip bars but he's single and he'd always say to him that he'd never go to a strip bar and pay for a woman! But **** happens apparently! Would be even easier for me to act a fool because I live in Vegas! But I dont, it's called respect and would never put myself in a position that would leave me vulnerable by mixing alcohol and naked hoes!
Author Juked_again Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Spectre.... We did live together the first 7 1/2 years.... I would've NEVER done this if we hadn't already been through so much. I don't wish this on anyone!
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 We did live together the first 7 1/2 years.... So you've lived apart 2+ years? Have you visited each other during that time? Is he in the UK for economic reasons? You seem to be asking an awful lot of each other given the length of your separation... Mr. Lucky 1
Author Juked_again Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 I don't see how it's asking a lot of him... It's his own fault for the situation we are in. Marriage is for better or worse, I'm not going out and doing this, he is. I'm doing everything I have to do while it seems he's a bit lapsa-daisy about getting me there. I know I was the main supporter of everything financially for all these years and would pay to go see him twice a year the past 3, because he doesn't make near what I made. I've always been to where if I have to get 3 jobs to meet all financial obligations I get 3 jobs! i agree with Mal78!! If there's a will you will find a way! It will be his loss.. I'm waaaay out of his league and he knows this, everyone always says when we've met people, 'Your with him?!' I just always said I married for love...
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I don't see how it's asking a lot of him... It's not asking a lot of him, it's asking a lot of the relationship. Marriage is a "hands on" arrangement that typically suffers during extended separation. Ask soldiers returning from deployment, the divorce rates are very high. If your marriage is a priority, you find a way to be together regardless of the cost. If finances more important, you have to be prepared to pay the cost in other ways... Mr. Lucky 1
Just a Guy Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 Hi Juked. Which country do you live in? Is it possible for your husband to come and live where you do? You will have to come up with a solution about the separation soon otherwise you might as well end your marriage. You cannot continue living like this.best wishes.
loveboid Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 I think you should let him go. Sometimes men let a marriage go down in flames and wait for the woman to file for divorce. I would take this as a blessing that you're already living apart. Do you want to live like this the rest of your life? 1
BlackHat Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 I will try to be as nice as I possibly can. First at all, let me tell you that I am a cheater. I have been for many years. I have met several other cheaters, so I believe more or less I know how cheaters think. Not an expert but I got a grip of it. I am also a man and I have been one since I was born I have a socratic question and a comment: Question: What do you expect to accomplish by calling on him? I don´t go to strip clubs alone and I don´t particularly like them, but I have been in situations where my partner finds part of what´s going on and I always wonder what do they want to accomplish. Just imagine the situation. You telling him that he has been a bad boy and that he will have his PS3 privileges removed? I mean, he is going to tell you that he is sorry, that´s for sure, but we all know that he is sorry because he got caught. Then we have the depression thing. You are depressed, he is depressed...I think you are hurting each other. That depression thing alone should be enough to make you file for a divorce, as none of you are happy. Because the big question is: Are you happy? And we know the answer. You are NOT happy. He is not happy. Nobody is happy. You are trying to fit 2 connectors that don´t fit. Counseling might work, but we know that counseling is usually the last exit before toll. Now as for my comment, let me tell you something about strip clubs: These are places where you see semi-naked women but cannot touch them. Try to think why your husband would go to such a place alone. I know why, and I am sure you too, but I cannot write it in here because some scarred members are trigger happy and would definitely ban me, so I leave it to you. Best of luck.
Ralph79 Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 let me tell you something about strip clubs: These are places where you see semi-naked women but cannot touch them. Try to think why your husband would go to such a place alone. I can think of a perfectly good reason why her Husband would lie about going to Mother's house to go to a strip club alone instead: Because he's a loser.
BlackHat Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 I can think of a perfectly good reason why her Husband would lie about going to Mother's house to go to a strip club alone instead: Because he's a loser. Really? That easy? Well, that would pose a couple of uncomfortable questions, the first that comes to mind is "who would marry a loser?". And mind you, you would not caught me dead in a strip club alone. And whenever I am there is definitely under duress. So I am with you...but that's not the answer.
Ralph79 Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 Really? That easy? Well, that would pose a couple of uncomfortable questions, the first that comes to mind is "who would marry a loser?". And mind you, you would not caught me dead in a strip club alone. And whenever I am there is definitely under duress. So I am with you...but that's not the answer. Well, I think you and I are looking at the same problem from different viewpoints. For starters, I disagree with this statement you made: That depression thing alone should be enough to make you file for a divorce, as none of you are happy. Since when did marriages started getting that disposable? Granted, for some, marriage is just a piece of paper they sign, while they try to co-exist to see if things will work out. But for some us, marriage is a vow, a commitment you swear by, where you will do whatever you can, along with your partner, to support each other, respect each other and love each other for the rest of your lives. No matter what obstacle may come. I don't think a 10 year relationship is something meant to be so easily discarded because she has been depressed for an undisclosed amount of time (I am going to assume it's due to living apart), and he has been admittedly depressed for merely a matter of weeks. Now back to the problem at hand. The guy wasn't even considerate enough to send her a valentine's memento. Didn't plan anything special. There are a lot of things he could have done. I think if your partner has left their home, their high paying job, and basically their life, behind for you... the least you can do is dedicate some time to show them some appreciation on Valentine's day. The fact that he had a plan of lying in mind to go to the strip club, for whatever answer you may think is the "right one", a day after not doing anything for her on Valentine's day, shows how much of a pathetic loser this guy is. And to answer your question in regards to "who would marry a loser?". The answer is also simple: Someone who believed their lies. If he's not going to care enough to make an effort to BE with her, then yes, it's on the OP to take matters into her own hands and see how committed her Husband is about this marriage.
BlackHat Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Since when did marriages started getting that disposable? Granted, for some, marriage is just a piece of paper they sign, while they try to co-exist to see if things will work out. But for some us, marriage is a vow, a commitment you swear by, where you will do whatever you can, along with your partner, to support each other, respect each other and love each other for the rest of your lives. No matter what obstacle may come. Maybe we are looking at different type of situations. Let me give you a classic example (seen it unfold many times). Guy loves Harleys, and she goes along with it until marriage. Then she explains that a Harley is too dangerous, and years of fights follows. They go to therapy and she says that he doesn't want to work for the marriage and compromise and my point is: How about finding a guy who rides a Corolla? This is what I meant when I wrote "who would marry a loser" Now back to the problem at hand. The guy wasn't even considerate enough to send her a valentine's memento. Didn't plan anything special. There are a lot of things he could have done. I think if your partner has left their home, their high paying job, and basically their life, behind for you... the least you can do is dedicate some time to show them some appreciation on Valentine's day. That should give you a BIG hint. Granted, I am a cheater, but I also do things for my wife every single day. I feel sad, very sad, that people have to be reminded via commercials that they need to buy flowers to their significant others. When someone expects such a present you can already tell that something is going on. My wife got nothing for V-day, but a few months back when she told me about how slow her phone was she got a brand new top of the range one. We went shopping for groceries, and on the way back I remembered so I stopped in the electronic shop and did it. And forget about money. Laughs, jokes, daily stuff you do together. That's what its all about. The fact that he had a plan of lying in mind to go to the strip club, for whatever answer you may think is the "right one", a day after not doing anything for her on Valentine's day, shows how much of a pathetic loser this guy is. Again I wonder: How does insulting someone you don't know his side of the story actually helps? I don't know the guy, but you need to see further. It is too easy to call him names without realizing that is really going on. He could be in a horrible marriage and going to see strippers on v-day is the thing that keeps in from going insane. Again, not taking sides, just broading my mind. And to answer your question in regards to "who would marry a loser?". The answer is also simple: Someone who believed their lies. If he's not going to care enough to make an effort to BE with her, then yes, it's on the OP to take matters into her own hands and see how committed her Husband is about this marriage. Not exactly. He didn't lie (maybe I am wrong?) but just didn't care. Still she has a rather poor judge of character.
Ralph79 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Let me give you a classic example (seen it unfold many times). Guy loves Harleys, and she goes along with it until marriage. Then she explains that a Harley is too dangerous, and years of fights follows. They go to therapy and she says that he doesn't want to work for the marriage and compromise and my point is: How about finding a guy who rides a Corolla? I can see you and I don't see eye to eye on what it means to be married. And that's ok. What I think it means isn't necessarily correct. Some may agree with me. Some may agree with you. Following your example I would make a counterpoint: How about sitting down with the girl and explaining how safe riding a Harley is, this day in age. How about sitting down with the guy and voicing your concerns in a reasonable manner. No relationships are perfect. NONE. Love, empathy, mutual respect, the ability to communicate and the trust in each other should allow us to overcome all differences we encounter in relationships. As long as there is Love & Respect in a relationship, I don't see a reason why any couple should throw in the towel. Specially for circumstantial reasons like depression. That should give you a BIG hint. Granted, I am a cheater, but I also do things for my wife every single day. I feel sad, very sad, that people have to be reminded via commercials that they need to buy flowers to their significant others. When someone expects such a present you can already tell that something is going on. My wife got nothing for V-day, but a few months back when she told me about how slow her phone was she got a brand new top of the range one. We went shopping for groceries, and on the way back I remembered so I stopped in the electronic shop and did it. And forget about money. Laughs, jokes, daily stuff you do together. That's what its all about. I agree that the commercialization of everything has gotten out of hand. There is no reason why it shouldn't be Valentine's day 365 days a year. Having said that, the OP stated she was OK with him not being able to afford to get her anything for that day. She's upset that instead of him taking the time to think of a nice gesture for her, at least on that day, he had a planned outing to a strip club. With 2 excuses: To seek help for his depression and to be with at his Mother's house for dinner. I'm not going to say it's a marriage-ending transgression, but it's inexcusable behavior. No matter how you try to twist it. I don't know the guy, but you need to see further. It is too easy to call him names without realizing that is really going on. He could be in a horrible marriage and going to see strippers on v-day is the thing that keeps in from going insane. Again, not taking sides, just broading my mind. Not exactly. He didn't lie (maybe I am wrong?) but just didn't care. Still she has a rather poor judge of character. It's not about calling the guy names. There are ways to handle unhappiness in a marriage, and going to strip clubs a day after Valentine's Day, a day I might add, in which he couldn't afford the time or money to get anything for his wife, is NOT the way. Those are the actions of a pathetic loser. And the person asking us for advice here is the OP. Not her Husband. If the OP is lying to us, then it's on her. But my personal guideline in these forums is to help any OP. Weather or not they are telling the truth or twisting it, is up to them. I don't think its our place to assume things not told to us directly, specially when those unfounded assumptions make people question the veracity of the OP's story. And he did lie. He cared enough to make up stories to cover his tracks about what he was going to do. The OP has posted 5 post in total. It's not as if she's posted Hundreds of threads detailing the Husbands shortcomings. She just found out he was lying. Accusing her of being a poor judge of character, is a BIG assumption on your part based on 1 relationship described to us. And I find it of no constructive help to the OP, because it's not necessarily true.
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