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Is it ok to change as a person?

HugosVoice

By HugosVoice
in General Relationship Discussion

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HugosVoice Member

HugosVoice

Posted
Posted (edited)

After much soul searching over the past few months, I have decided once and for all that I must end my relationship.

 

I am 33 this year. My partner is 50. We met when I was 21 and he was 38. I want to end it for the following reasons:

 

  • We have no sex life.
    While I have always been attracted to his personality, sex has always (and I mean always) seemed like a chore to me as I am not attracted to him physically. When we met I was a scared little girl who wanted to be loved and taken care of, and he did just that so I stayed with him.
     
  • I sacrificed my dreams for the men in my life and I don’t want to anymore.
    Before him I was in TWO previous long term (as in more than a year) relationships. I am co-dependant, a serial monogamist and have been in nonstop relationships since I was 17. The dreams I have aren’t huge– travelling alone, perhaps doing a university course – but they are dreams I feel like I can’t achieve while in a relationship. I am always such a people pleaser and so concerned about them taking time away from my relationship. When we bought our home last year I KNEW I wasn’t ready, but I went ahead with it anyway, handing over my life savings because I knew how badly HE wanted it.
     
  • My views on children have changed.
    I always thought I never wanted a family, but I am beginning to change my mind on that after seeing the joy children can bring into people’s lives. What if I come to him in 2 years when he is 52 and say I want to start a family? Would he be ok with that? Would I?
     
  • I want to be with someone I can retire WITH.
    While it seems like a lifetime away, he only has a decade more of work left before he retires. I will need to continue working for many years after him.

I recently began lashing out at him, listing his faults because I didn’t know how to deal with what I was feeling. I feel like it’s NOT OKAY to change. To want more. To want to experience the world alone. Like it’s not a good enough reason to end things after 11 years, so I found ways to blame him.

He is a great man but my heart is simply not in this anymore and I don’t know how the hell to tell him. I feel like every day I stay I am cheating us both out of the lives we want. Any advice, please. x

Edited by HugosVoice
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

It's time you went and did you, but just be aware that things don't come together just the way we want them to. You may or may not meet a man to have a family with. But you should get out on your own and just be with yourself for now and see how that goes. You will find that you will change even more than you already have. Because he has been a steady influence on you. You know, once you leave your parents, you expand, and once you leave a relationship, you expand too, but it's to become more who you are and follow your own path. I don't want to be a naysayer, but you have to be prepared because it's not easy to find the right man to settle down with. So you have to be prepared with your Plan B in case that happens. Good luck.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted (edited)

Firstly, you need to stop lashing out at him. It doesn't get you one step forward. All it does is needlessly hurt him. As far as communication goes, its 100% fail.

 

Instead be totally honest with him, just as you have been here.

 

Yes, it's ok to change, in fact its unavoidable.

 

You were 22 when your relationship began, and a person's brain isn't fully developed at that age. So yes, you've changed. You are fully adult now. You have the right to choose what you want to do with your life.

 

You do not have the right to hurt someone/anyone because you feel dissatisfied with your life. You need to really get that, because its important.

 

You are free to leave the relationship at any time.

 

You'll probably need to have several long conversations with your partner to get him to the point of completely understanding the way you feel. Calm and clear is best.

 

Some short-term individual counselling might help you get clear in yourself about exactly what you want.

 

I wish you good luck in finding a peaceful way forward.

Edited by Satu
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