nowa1234 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I have been dumped just over a week ago, in a worst possible way - he walked out. Just like that. I am implementing NC, threw all memorables, and it felt so good, but we have a lease for the apartment that was taken on both of us. I cant afford to pay it all myself, and cant leave the place until May.. The day after he walked out he was trying to contact me to discuss the things, but at that point I wasnt ready to face him so i said that I will contact him whenever I am free, and we left if like this.. I am still not ready to face him, but finances have to be sorted.. What now? How to approach this? Any advice very very welcome..
littlesister1234 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Is it possible to get a good friend or family member to help you out and act as a moderator between you two? Like have someone you trust talk to him in sorting this out?
NopeNah Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Don't allow someone else to deal with this for you! Handle your stuff ASAP,in a mature,no talking about personal issue thing, way. Responsible for one's self when it comes to finances is the way to be! Trust no one with that,seriously!
Author nowa1234 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 I actually dont have anyone I can ask for this.. I dont want to contact him for a couple of reasons: I am not sure how I handle any contact with him; also it will hurt me like hell, no matter how cooperative he will be (and I expect he wont); also I am so frail that I am unable to any sensible conversation at the moment.. I can not even bring myself to email him, any thought of getting in touch with him gives me awful unbereable phisical reactions ( I am probably in stage f shock still).. Dont really know what to do..
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 You can't do NC until you fix the money. Understand he's going to stick you with the lease. I would start looking for a roommate or a sublet immediately.
jus d'orange Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 This is a really difficult situation. While it IS extremely important that you do what's necessary for your mental/emotional wellbeing, i.e. maintaining NC, you do have to take care of your responsibilities. For instance, I don't want to go to work for the next little while after my breakup, but then I won't have money to buy food and pay for rent. Fortunately, my ex isn't at work, but you get the idea. You HAVE to figure out a solution to this. I would recommend dealing with it directly, but you say that you don't think you could handle that at all right now. You might just have to go through emails and deal with the emotional fallout. It may slow down your recovery a bit, but financial troubles will do that even more. How about getting a sublet for the remaining part of your lease and then moving out elsewhere on your own?
Author nowa1234 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 So true.. I have to deal with this, and unfortunately he`s involved, so I cant find any other way of how to sort it out.. I have to deal with this and I will ull myslef together and I will I am giving myself one more week, and from Monday (this is my target) I start working on it.. I am seriously thinking of going to my doctor to ask for a short term anti-anxiety medicines, this might help just to stop my all system reacting in an uncontrolled way The subletting is not possible due to the lease conditions..
Kinetica84 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I have been dumped just over a week ago, in a worst possible way - he walked out. Just like that. I am implementing NC, threw all memorables, and it felt so good, but we have a lease for the apartment that was taken on both of us. I cant afford to pay it all myself, and cant leave the place until May.. The day after he walked out he was trying to contact me to discuss the things, but at that point I wasnt ready to face him so i said that I will contact him whenever I am free, and we left if like this.. I am still not ready to face him, but finances have to be sorted.. What now? How to approach this? Any advice very very welcome.. I was in a similar situation a few months ago. Simple answer is just do it. Text him, keep it to the point and don't ask any personal questions. Just keep it all business.
mightycpa Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I'm curious what you expect of him. To pay? Shouldn't he get to live in the place if he does? Do you really want that? Maybe this thread would be better devoted to how you think that conversation might go to get you to a spot that is reasonable for both of you. As to the conversation itself, you could always hire an attorney for a couple hundred bucks to have that conversation for you.
Author nowa1234 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Thank you for all replies.. I must admit that the first week was just a living hell for me, I was in shock at first, the denial, meanwhile of course insanely waiting for him to call and apologise and explaing himself and all sort of that.. Then reality hit me - how he can be such an ******* and leave me like this in the financial ****.. All the rollecoster.. I couldnt sleep, eat nothing, I was smoking (I dont normally smoke) and numbing myself with wine.. My friends and family were so supportive in this all, but for now they all are probably fed up with me.. I really cant talk about anything else but him.. I did not make any attempt to contact him, although I have been checking a couple of times his social networking site.. But not now.. I said NO to myself.. I guess I am approaching the phase of acceptance of what had happen, and mentally separating myself from the identity as a couple.. It hurts like hell, and I have an occasionall sudden sobbing over this all.. It helps that the way he has done this was so humiliating and disrespectful, and I feel so offended, which helps, because I am angry. Very angry. And this helps too.. I dont want to have somebody in my life who treated me like a piece of ****.. I know that time is a best healler.. Ill be fine.. But at this moment I am so weak frail miserable human being ...
Author nowa1234 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 According to the lease conditions we cant leave the apartment till May. He left, decided to move out which is fine (not fine of course but this is his rights to do so) but I expect him to contribute to the expenses untill the contract ends, event though he decided to move out.. We have taken the apartment with intention to stay there both of us, considering joined finances..
NopeNah Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 According to the lease conditions we cant leave the apartment till May. He left, decided to move out which is fine (not fine of course but this is his rights to do so) but I expect him to contribute to the expenses untill the contract ends, event though he decided to move out.. We have taken the apartment with intention to stay there both of us, considering joined finances.. 1st step:inform management of him leaving. Ask about your options and play the "pity card"...seriously.
Author nowa1234 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Thank you for all you replies.. It is such a great find this forum and all the amazing people here...
jus d'orange Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 As far as I understand, if both of your names are on the lease, then both of you share financial responsibility for that lease getting paid in full. That means he has an interest in making sure his end is held up as well, because although it'll hurt you if it isn't paid in full, it'll hurt him as well. Maybe it is a good idea to talk to the management and see if they present some options.
NopeNah Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 As far as I understand, if both of your names are on the lease, then both of you share financial responsibility for that lease getting paid in full. That means he has an interest in making sure his end is held up as well, because although it'll hurt you if it isn't paid in full, it'll hurt him as well. Maybe it is a good idea to talk to the management and see if they present some options. Technically both are,but he could just not pay and it will mess her credit up. +1 is all that matters for her right now.
mightycpa Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 If it were me, I wouldn't pay if I couldn't live there, OP's financial condition notwithstanding. That said, I probably would have addressed that as part of the departure. My advice is this: get a roommate and let him off the hook. Keep his portion of the security deposit as damages and be done with him. and again, if you can't talk to him, pay the cash for an attorney to do it. I remember how you feel, and for me, it would be worth every penny not to have to face my ex when I was so raw.
NopeNah Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 If it were me, I wouldn't pay if I couldn't live there, OP's financial condition notwithstanding. That said, I probably would have addressed that as part of the departure. My advice is this: get a roommate and let him off the hook. Keep his portion of the security deposit as damages and be done with him. and again, if you can't talk to him, pay the cash for an attorney to do it. I remember how you feel, and for me, it would be worth every penny not to have to face my ex when I was so raw. And...just a guess,but by this name I would listen.
stillafool Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 My friends and family were so supportive in this all, but for now they all are probably fed up with me.. I really cant talk about anything else but him.. tI know that time is a best healler.. Ill be fine.. But at this moment I am so weak frail miserable human being ... So you do have friends and family supporting you. They are not fed up with you and you should get a family member to contact your ex about the financial obligations. You may have to move in with one of them if you can't afford your place alone.
NopeNah Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 So you do have friends and family supporting you. They are not fed up with you and you should get a family member to contact your ex about the financial obligations. You may have to move in with one of them if you can't afford your place alone. I'm against doing this. Why should anyone have to deal with your financial stuff? that's personal to me. "hey...can you go get my sex toys" personal..*disclaimer*: I, myself, do not have sex toy's!
Author nowa1234 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 This is what I am worried about, that he wont pay and I will be left in trouble. And I am so frail at this moment that fighting for this to be sorted is overbearing.. It would involed getting in touch with him at this moment seems immposibble for me.. Just cant bear this emaotionally.. I understand that I have no oprtion and I have to sort it out, but I am giving myself a couple of more days, when I hopefully feel a bit better..
d0nnivain Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Yes, I know ending a relationship is painful but you need to address the real & pressing issues 1st no matter how emotionally fragile you feel. It's part of being an adult. If you can't afford to stay in the apartment without him, make arrangements to get his half of the rent covered. He will not cover it. The best you are going to get is a judgment against him after an expensive time consuming legal battle. The landlord doesn't care about your relationship status. The landlord cares about getting paid. Even if the lease says no sublet if the choice is allowing a sublet (which they have the option to do if you ask) or not getting paid, the landlord is not going to stand on principle. If you come to them with a proposal (a new tenant) that they don't have to find who assures there will be no disruption in their revenue stream, they will let you out of your lease because they don't care who pays the rent as long as somebody does. If you progress on your present course of sticking your head in the sand & doing nothing, you will get behind in your rent. Even though you & the EX are on the lease, the landlord is not going to take the time to find your EX. You are there. They will take only you to court because they can find you easily & you are both equally responsible. You will be evicted. They will get a judgment against you for 4 months rent, plus attorney's fees (could be as much as $300 per hour or more depending on where you live) and court costs. You will then be in a bigger financial hole then you are now & your only recourse will be to chase your EX for the money which you will never see anyway. If your EX cares so little about you that he would break up with you, the only smart prediction is that he doesn't give a fig if he ruins your credit. When you meet him, do not believe him when he says that he will send a rent check every month. Work on finding a way out of your lease or getting a roommate. Doing anything else is financial suicide. 2
Author nowa1234 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Thank you all the lovely people here. It means everything to me your support.. Reading all what you are saying here helps me to put things in to perspective. I have my first counselling meeting tomorrow and after it I will make an attempt to sort things out.. Not sure yet how am I going to approach the problem but i will be focusing on my wellbeing which means sort out my finances..
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