CantMoveOn89 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I am probably a ‘love addict’. I am struggling with obsessive rumination, worrying if my ex will be better for her new partner than she was with me, and get intensely sad imagining them together. If you have experienced something similar and have suggestions for how to move on, please read my story – I’ll keep it relatively short and to the point, but there’s a fair bit of context that’s crucial (not about x happened then y, but about my emotional and mental state). I am at my wits’ end after more than a year of suffering, and your advice or even commiseration would be sincerely appreciated. I was depressed and convinced I would never find love when I met my ex at an event. I was immediately convinced, without her saying a word, that she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, and that I wanted to be with her. We were together for 2 years. I idealised her to such an extreme that I completely looked past our many incompatibilities, although in the last few months I had a sneaking suspicion that she was not right for me and vice versa. I had previously struggled with depression and addiction to marijuana as a coping strategy. When I told her this early on, she said it’s entirely at my feet and she’s ‘not my psychologist’ – which is correct, but she never supported me while I supported her through everything without protest. She called me her ‘rock’, while most attempts to get support from her had her warning me not to use her as a crutch. I treated her like a goddess on earth during our relationship, putting in 90% of the effort and receiving only crumbs. She wasn’t cruel, she just lacked the capacity to love and be interdependent in the way I want and need. I would not have been happy with her in the long run, but I am TERRIFIED that she will become the partner I always hoped she could be – for someone else. Her attachment style is firmly in the ‘fearful-avoidant’ camp, while I am in the ‘anxious’ category. Nonetheless, we had many great times which were enough to convince me that my doubts were not founded. I love doing little gestures, being affectionate, looking to the future, and being romantic - she was 'improving' and 'learning to love' with me (her words - she had been in 2 serious relationships prior to me, one same-sex and highly dysfunctional, the other heterosexual and reparative but distant), but due to all kins of psychological issues could not be loving in the way I want or need. I started smoking again, told her, and that was it – 2 years out the window, trust broken, 4 months of limbo of ‘will we/won’t we’ before I broke it off because she was no closer to trying 4 months later than the moment after I told her. Please don’t tell me I had it coming – I am struggling massively with guilt, and it is absolutely the thing I regret most in my life so far. I have been sober since the night I confessed to her. My problem now is: a year later, she has a new guy, and has for about 7 months. I can not for the life of me let her go. Imagining them together is like a rusty dagger through my gut. I ran into them at the library in my city, even though she moved to a different city she still comes back to use it and so now I don’t feel safe in my own place any more. Valentine’s Weekend was hell beyond description because I knew they would be together, that she would be falling for him and doing all the little things with him that we shared, and being physically intimate. I also think he’s more attractive than me – he’s taller and Spanish to boot, so I’ve got the whole ‘passionate lover’ thing going through my head. She was pretty rubbish in bed, but the idea of him pleasing her like I did, or better, makes me want to die. I know we are wrong for each other; I have intellectualised the relationship to the farthest ends. But I still ‘scan’ for her everywhere I go, still can’t quite believe we couldn’t have made it work, and still feel extremely hurt and jealous knowing she as moved on and I have not. I have dated several girls since, some more seriously than others, but she is the spectre that stands behind me all the time. Oddly, I have not had a ‘big cry’ yet – when I sit down and try it doesn’t come, but then I’ll be on the bus to work and feel like an anvil has hit me. I am taking excellent care of myself – eating well, exercising lots (best shape of my life by far, and I consider myself to be above average in terms of looks), keeping very busy at work and on passion projects, etc. But I still think about her every hour of every day, with thought cycles that are incredibly hard to turn off. I am seeking counseling and support, but on a day to day basis I am little better off than a year ago. If you have any words of wisdom, advice, or similar experiences, PLEASE share them with me. I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel for this. Thank you so much for reading through this, and for anything you can offer.
NopeNah Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Counseling is good for you. I think everyone should have some! You smoked some pot? That's just the most horrible thing anyone can ever do in a relationship! Sarcasm! Big f'n deal! I just might smoke a bowl right now because I'm doing paper work and I'm bored to death! Take her off the pedestal and write down every single fault she had that bothered you. Bad in bed..big fault! 2
Ralph79 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I'll share with you some insight that might seem harsh because I'm speaking from my own experiences here so I might be projecting a little: I had previously struggled with depression and addiction to marijuana as a coping strategy. When I told her this early on, she said it’s entirely at my feet and she’s ‘not my psychologist’ – which is correct, but she never supported me while I supported her through everything without protest. You did this out of your own volition. And this should have been done without expecting anything in return. We cannot be helped on problems we must address ourselves. It seems you helped her out on her problems because they were easier to address than your own. It's as if I were to complain that I filled my ex-wife's wardrobe with countless pairs of shoes, and clothes and jewelry, and got no gratitude for it when my she left me. As her partner, who loved her, my responsibilities were to provide her with a roof over our heads and food on the table. Anything else I got her beyond these basic things, entitled me to nothing. I treated her like a goddess on earth during our relationship, putting in 90% of the effort and receiving only crumbs. In other words, you put her on a pedestal. You know why women hate being put on a pedestal? Because they inevitably fall. She wanted a partner, not a servant. Be a doormat, and crumbs is all you'll get. Learn this lesson for your next relationship. She wasn’t cruel, she just lacked the capacity to love and be interdependent in the way I want and need. Read what you typed again. Instead of appreciating her individuality and developing your own, you wanted her to be your cushion to fall back on, because that's what you turned yourself into for her. That's not a healthy way to interact with someone my friend. Appreciate what people have offer, don't expect or worse demand more than that. I would not have been happy with her in the long run, but I am TERRIFIED that she will become the partner I always hoped she could be – for someone else. YOU cannot make her be the partner you dreamed of. Nobody can. She will be with someone that makes her happy to be herself. Something she couldn't do with you. And you shouldn't be selfish enough to wish her otherwise. I know we are wrong for each other; I have intellectualised the relationship to the farthest ends. Yeah, I don't doubt that you have. But maybe it's time you started intellectualizing why you are in this mess to begin with. Believe me, it has nothing to do with your eX. You are too dependent on someone else for happiness. You have to be learn to find your inner-happiness and let it thrive. Explore the world and find your passion. 3
JollyDays Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Honestly, I don't even understand why you're even thinking about who she's with, what she's doing, or who she's doing, for that matter. IT'S OVER. O-V-E-R, and the sooner you recognize that, the better off you'll be emotionally in the long run. I used to think like you---well, the dating part---and then I realized that I was placing her on a pedestal, and demeaning myself in the process. If she can still have kids, what will you do when you find out she's pregnant? YIKES SCOOBY!!
Author CantMoveOn89 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Maybe because I'm struggling with this and mental health issues? Jeeze JollyDays, how about not saying anything if you have nothing useful to contribute? You're like the guy who says 'just feel happier' when someone is depressed. Thanks for being a dick, deleting my Loveshack account now. In the future, instead of berating someone with going through a hard time, just keep it to yourself. Oh yeah, and she doesn't want kids because 'how can you love something that takes so much out of you', so don't need to worry about that! Thanks for nothing except making me feel worse, hope it was worth your time.
Author CantMoveOn89 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Ralph79, it may be hard to hear but I know the essence of your message is right. That's why I'm doing everything I can to live well, improve myself, and become aware of the traps that I get myself into. While I believe being somewhat dependent on your partner is natural and healthy, I take it too far. This is my big challenge, and you're right to highlight it. Thanks for taking the time to reply
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