Zahara Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 No, I can face reality, I'm not pretending that I don't see any of this. I appreciate all the bluntness though and all the insight. In 7 months seeing how he runs his life, specifically in the way he treats his daughter, which is appaling -- that should have sent you running the other way. But instead you're still standing by and even suggesting couples therapy. There is a huge part of you that isn't focused on reality. 2
Author Bonasera Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Wait one minute. Something is being misinterpreted here. His daughter does not live with him. He treats her really great. He makes her the priority when she visits and she is the center of his life. He is a great dad and that is one thing that is very attractive about him...just don't want that to be misinterpreted. Me on the other hand, I'm not a priority--he says I am but I'm clearly not. And no amount of my bringing this to his attention or asking for compromise has changed that.
Author Bonasera Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 I am not exactly standing by I am just living right now. I'm not anticipating anything from him at this point. I am ready to move on. He wants to talk when he gets back from his trip and yes he thînks I am the only one with a probłem here. I really don't care--and reading all of your responses really has helped me. I'm perfectly fine with moving on unless he pulls something out of his sleeve that I can live with--can't see what that would be, but honestly while I don't need anything extraordinary, I'm done being second to a hobbie and with being treated like a hobbie.
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 It's more than that though--he is absent minded a lot--he doesn't remember things, plan things (unless it is planning to play Eve Online), he has to really make an effort to not back out on plans that he confirms with anyone. His place is pretty dirty and I have never seen his bathroom clean once...orange streaks in the toilet...reprimanded by work for not keeping up on continuing education stuff, his daughter hasn't been here in 2 months and her bath toys dirty underwear and clothes are still all on the floor of his dirty guest bathroom--he neglects more than just my emotions or whatever in favor of alone time. Not seeing his child for 2 months is not being a good dad. Welcoming his child in a pretty dirty place, and her toys are dirty and I am sure he does not clean them before she visits. About orange streaks on toilet? risk of dangerous bacterial infection involved here. That place does not sound like pretty dirty, it sounds more like a serious health hazard. That is not being a good and responsible dad. 2
Zahara Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Wait one minute. Something is being misinterpreted here. His daughter does not live with him. He treats her really great. He makes her the priority when she visits and she is the center of his life. He is a great dad and that is one thing that is very attractive about him...just don't want that to be misinterpreted. Me on the other hand, I'm not a priority--he says I am but I'm clearly not. And no amount of my bringing this to his attention or asking for compromise has changed that. Still. I'm not sure why her bath toys are dirty -- either they were dirty when she was playing with them or bath toys were clean but in the past two months while she was not there it somehow accummulated that much grime? If they were clean when she left, they should be clean two months later if they're kept away and not being used. And not seeing his child for 2 months? In any case, whether he makes you a priority or not, there are other areas in his life that aren't qualities you should be seeking in a partner.
kendahke Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 It's more than that though--he is absent minded a lot--he doesn't remember things, plan things (unless it is planning to play Eve Online), he has to really make an effort to not back out on plans that he confirms with anyone. His place is pretty dirty and I have never seen his bathroom clean once...orange streaks in the toilet...reprimanded by work for not keeping up on continuing education stuff, his daughter hasn't been here in 2 months and her bath toys dirty underwear and clothes are still all on the floor of his dirty guest bathroom--he neglects more than just my emotions or whatever in favor of alone time. That's just plain nasty. You will be turned into his cleaning woman if you pursue a relationship with him.
kendahke Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Wait one minute. Something is being misinterpreted here. His daughter does not live with him. He treats her really great. He makes her the priority when she visits and she is the center of his life. He is a great dad and that is one thing that is very attractive about him...just don't want that to be misinterpreted. Me on the other hand, I'm not a priority--he says I am but I'm clearly not. And no amount of my bringing this to his attention or asking for compromise has changed that. I'll bet this is one of the reasons why the child's mother and him are not together. He's slovenly. But he makes time to play EVE Online. Her dirty underwear should not still be sitting in the floor! His bathroom should not require a HAZMAT team to come in and clean! I'd hate to see what his kitchen looks like. I mean, if he doesn't want to clean, hire a maid service to come in once every two weeks to clean!!! No telling what kind of vermin are living in that house. Disgusting!
angiefly Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 It's more than that though--he is absent minded a lot--he doesn't remember things, plan things (unless it is planning to play Eve Online), he has to really make an effort to not back out on plans that he confirms with anyone. His place is pretty dirty and I have never seen his bathroom clean once...orange streaks in the toilet...reprimanded by work for not keeping up on continuing education stuff, his daughter hasn't been here in 2 months and her bath toys dirty underwear and clothes are still all on the floor of his dirty guest bathroom--he neglects more than just my emotions or whatever in favor of alone time. Well that sounds awful. I ask you, with the utmost respect, WHY would you want a future with such an uninspired (for lack of better terms) person? Why are you settling? I'm hoping you answer these questions... I'm not asking to be a jerk, I really wanna know.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Forget therapy. No reason to waste the time, energy and $$. Drop him. It's been 7 months and you have listed a bunch of reasons why this relationship is not working for you. I have yet to read anything good about you two being together. I don't believe you are needy whatsoever but I do believe your needs aren't being met. 7 months. No positives being with this man. Let it go.
Author Bonasera Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Still. I'm not sure why her bath toys are dirty -- either they were dirty when she was playing with them or bath toys were clean but in the past two months while she was not there it somehow accummulated that much grime? If they were clean when she left, they should be clean two months later if they're kept away and not being used. And not seeing his child for 2 months? In any case, whether he makes you a priority or not, there are other areas in his life that aren't qualities you should be seeking in a partner. No, this is not correct. He is a wonderful dad and would have his daughter with him all the time if he could. He cleaned the guest bathroom before she came in December and he does everything and then some for her. Cooks her healthy meals, plays with her, checks out her school place...everything and anything he can. I would never question his actions with her as a father...that is one reason why I know he could be capable with me if he wanted to, but he doesn't. He knows her love is unconditional and he just lets loose with her. I have complained about things (rightfully, but its still complaining and it tirned him off) so I guess he stopped giving me love.
Author Bonasera Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Well that sounds awful. I ask you, with the utmost respect, WHY would you want a future with such an uninspired (for lack of better terms) person? Why are you settling? I'm hoping you answer these questions... I'm not asking to be a jerk, I really wanna know. Why? Because I love him, because I believe in him, because he would always be there for me if I was in trouble, he has a great personality, he is so cute to me, he is open-minded to most things, he is okay with my personal beliefs and accepts me for me, he always treats me to dinner, he is a great cook...
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Why? Because I love him, because I believe in him, because he would always be there for me if I was in trouble, he has a great personality, he is so cute to me, he is open-minded to most things, he is okay with my personal beliefs and accepts me for me, he always treats me to dinner, he is a great cook... Love is not enough for a relationship to work. He would always be there for you? This entire thread is about him not being there for you. Also he does not accepts you for you, if he did he would set time aside to love you the way you need to be. Avoiding you is NOT accepting who you are. The personality, respecting your beliefs, treating you to dinner is regular basic things you will find in any man you will date.
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Why? Because I love him, because I believe in him, because he would always be there for me if I was in trouble Errr.... I called him once to talk just to catch up and also to tell him about what I was going through with my brother being really sick (he has MS and had a really bad episode). He just hurried me off the phone. The next day I just asked him one question by text and he didn't reply for two days. Then the next day Monday, yesterday. I didn't hear from him all day. I asked if he could call me at 5pm. He said he couldn't because he wanted to go for a run and get a haircut and how about later.... AND ... I give him the alone time that he says he needs. That is not being there for you. Wake up. 4
Zahara Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Why? Because I love him, because I believe in him, because he would always be there for me if I was in trouble, he has a great personality, he is so cute to me, he is open-minded to most things, he is okay with my personal beliefs and accepts me for me, he always treats me to dinner, he is a great cook... I won't bring up his daughter again -- we'll have to agree to disagree. If only love were enough. It's a foundation of values and qualities along with effort and commitment by TWO people that keeps a relationship going. How is he there for you when you are in trouble when he couldn't even spend a few minutes listening to your pains about your brother? He chose a run and a haircut over you. He wanted alone time to be away from you. He treats you to dinner and is a great cook, that's it? Anyone can treat you to dinner. Cooking a meal for your partner is very basic. These little things are magnified in your brain as huge gestures. You have set your standards low. Aim higher for yourself.
Author Bonasera Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 You have a good point--he is there for me if it is an emergency I guess is what I mean.
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 You have a good point--he is there for me if it is an emergency I guess is what I mean. Sweetie, I would be there for my neighbor if he were in an emergency and we're not dating or even friends. That does not make your bf special. 3
Redhead14 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I'm just looking for some outside perspective. I have been in a relationship with this man for 7 months. Now he is out of town for work. Things went well between us before he left. We had some nice texts back and forth when he arrived to where he was going. I called him once to talk just to catch up and also to tell him about what I was going through with my brother being really sick (he has MS and had a really bad episode). He just hurried me off the phone. The next day I just asked him one question by text and he didn't reply for two days. When he did reply he was all nice but gave no explanation for being two days. I just left him alone for two days and then on valentines day he left a message saying he really wanted to talk to me and wish me a happy valentines day and he had a present for me to get a massage here where I live. Before I could call he sent a message saying he needed to put his phone on airplane mode for a couple hours so he doesn't use up the battery and he would call me later that night. So about 30 min after that I texted him a funny Valentines picture and said I love him and I'll talk to him that night. He didn't call until 10pm his time. (He usually wants to go to bed and not talk at that time). So we talked he complained about how bad his day was because he slept in and missed a friends call then missed the train they wanted to take for fun. He didn't really seem to listen to anything I said because he would ask what I just told him. It was basically really unsatisfying after waiting to connect with him on some level for a week. I asked if he could stay in touch a little more. He said "of course". Then the next day Monday, yesterday. I didn't hear from him all day. I asked if he could call me at 5pm. He said he couldn't because he wanted to go for a run and get a haircut and how about later. I said I couldn't because I had to work my second job from 5:45pm to 11pm. Then I just told him never mind. So later he called while I was working saying that if it was an emergency he will make sure he is awake really late and he will be available all night if I need to talk. So I texted him that it is not an emergency but I am an emotional person and he is far away and I need him to text me/call me/tell me he loves me sometimes. He didn't respond to this but he did ask how my day was and tell me how his was. I asked him to respond to my request. He says: "okay I know I'm far but I'm thinking of you so don't worry okay:)" And I said "okay but I need something I can sense and thinking isn't that so tell me every so often because although I'm kinda intuitive I still need to hear it. So then all he says is "you bet well it's late so I'm going to bed." It's like he doesn't even hear what I'm saying and he just keeps putting me off for one reason or another. I don't understand why it is so hard to just be a little emotionally available especially when I give him the alone time that he says he needs. When a man shows signs of or tells you he needs space, you give him more space than he even asks for and let him contact Houston when he realizes there's another problem for him. If he is truly interested in you and the relationship with you, he will sense the pull back and will reach out to you. If he doesn't, he just doesn't want it. Don't reach out to him anymore at all. If he contacts you, you respond in kind. In other words, if he texts or calls and asks how you are, you tell him you are fine and very busy. Do not tell him you miss him. Don't ask what's he's been doing. He knew you were struggling with something and when you did talk to him he didn't even ask you about it. He simply doesn't want to be your emotional go to for whatever reason. Go to someone else for emotional support for the time being. Don't reach out to him. Let him reach out to you. You are sensing a pull back on his part. Let him pull back as far as he needs to. If he does reach out to you, you can say "I sense that you are becoming distant. Is there something bothering you that I can help with"? Turn the tables. He knows you are struggling with your brother and his illness and didn't offer support to you. So you are sensing something from him, show him you can be supportive. Hopefully, he'll learn how to support you. 1
katiegrl Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Why? Because I love him, because I believe in him, because he would always be there for me if I was in trouble, he has a great personality, he is so cute to me, he is open-minded to most things, he is okay with my personal beliefs and accepts me for me, he always treats me to dinner, he is a great cook... Okay but if he's doesn't feel the same for you (which judging from his actions as of late, he doesn't)....what's the point? Don't you want to be with a man who feels the same way back?? If not, why not? You should. We ALL deserve to be loved back...and if we're not...we leave. Especially after only seven months. No disrespect...but what happened to your self-esteem? Somewhere along the way you lost it. Please walk away from this...one sided relationships are never healthy and are hazardous to your emotional health!! 2
Author Bonasera Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 I do have self esteem and I know I deserve more than that--that is why I complained and why he pulled away. I'm not sitting here crying about him everyday. Like I said, I'm living life--doing things I want to do. 1
Gary S Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Women get emotional satisfaction just from venting and talking to their man. It's part of romance, and one of the things women need to stay in love. Women need romance like flowers need the rain It's too bad many men don't understand women. If he were here, I could grab him by the shoulders, shake him and say, "Wake up dude! Relationships take some work. And the love you feel from your partner is the payoff... and it's a big payoff, and really worth that little bit of effort." Unfortunately, I can't be there. You have to do it... if you have the guts. Cut off sex when he gets home (shocker!)... then, when he asks, "What's wrong!".... then he will be ready to talk and really listen to your needs, and be open to change. Then you can have makup sex, and everything will be right in the world again. It's reverse psychology.... ultimatums are unloving. For best results, it has to be their own idea to change.
Author Bonasera Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 I had left a paper on his computer keyboard for when he got home because I had been thinking--he does things that a really selfish per son would do, but I don't really necessarily think he is selfish...I think he may have some mild aspergers. I looked up the characteristics and how aspergers affect those in relationships with someone who has it and what it said fits him really well and the way it makes partners of those with it feel fit me really really well---so I printed it out and left it for him. He read it and he told me that he thinks he might have that. He also told me he really didn't get sleep and so he is not going to see me today (putting me off once again after not talking to me since a text wed morning, but if I need anything to let him know) I think he is clueless about what I would or could possibly need in anything other than if I was starving from food or in physical danger or things like that--he just doesn't understand--
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 I had left a paper on his computer keyboard for when he got home because I had been thinking--he does things that a really selfish per son would do, but I don't really necessarily think he is selfish...I think he may have some mild aspergers. I looked up the characteristics and how aspergers affect those in relationships with someone who has it and what it said fits him really well and the way it makes partners of those with it feel fit me really really well---so I printed it out and left it for him. He read it and he told me that he thinks he might have that. He also told me he really didn't get sleep and so he is not going to see me today (putting me off once again after not talking to me since a text wed morning, but if I need anything to let him know) I think he is clueless about what I would or could possibly need in anything other than if I was starving from food or in physical danger or things like that--he just doesn't understand-- I don't think this man is going to make you happy, is he?
Author Bonasera Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 -average or above-average intelligence -difficulties with high-level language skills such as verbal reasoning, problem solving, making inferences and predictions -difficulties in empathising with others -problems with understanding another person’s point of view -difficulties engaging in social routines such as conversations and ‘small talk’ -problems with controlling feelings such as anger, depression and anxiety -a preference for routines and schedules which can result in stress or anxiety if a routine is disrupted -specialized fields of interest or hobbies.
Author Bonasera Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 Some common issues for partners of people with Asperger syndrome include: -feeling overly responsible for their partner -failure to have their own needs met by the relationship -lack of emotional support from family members and friends who do not fully understand or appreciate the extra strains placed on a relationship by Asperger syndrome -a sense of isolation, because the challenges of their relationship are unique and not easily understood by others frustrations, since problems in the relationship do not seem to improve despite great efforts -doubting the integrity of the relationship, or frequently wondering about whether or not to end the relationship difficulties in accepting that their partner will not ‘recover’ from Asperger syndrome -after accepting that their partner’s Asperger syndrome cannot be ‘cured’, partners can often experience emotions such as guilt, despair and disappointment.
Author Bonasera Posted February 22, 2015 Author Posted February 22, 2015 I don't think this man is going to make you happy, is he? I don't think he knows how to. 1
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