Zahara Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Well I see your point about therapy, but I would still give it a try. There are plenty of people married for years who need it and never got it. If for nothing else, I would do it for myself to see if I do have any issues and for him for working on any he may have for himself personally and if we came out of it with an actual relationship all the better. Most likely though I expect he will not do it. You can't compare your relationship to marriage with years of history. In that case you both should be doing individual therapy. Not couples therapy. It seems that you are grasping at straws. In a relationship so young, you don't start off by trying to change someone. You start a relationship with little to no need to change a person or it's dynamic. If you have to start changing each other so early on, then likely it's not going to work. I believe he won't be inclined to do it as well. 5
spiderowl Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Either he's playing away and therefore the last thing he wants is to chat to you when you want to, or, and this is a real possibility, he's a guy who only likes to chat when he wants and about things he wants to. If this is the case, you are likely to be endlessly frustrated with this guy. As you say, you want emotional intimacy. From what you've said, I think I'd be very suspicious about his lack of contact and putting his phone into airline mode. You matter too, not just his work. If he was really keen, he would be making every effort to speak to you every evening, not taking two days to respond. I find myself in a similar situation: guy likes to call and chat, but I speak only briefly, he talks and asks questions he wants to ask, then needs to go and get some sleep. I am left wondering why he called! I am backing off now because this is not satisfying to me. I need more and I've had better connections with a guy on an emotional level than this one. 1
stillafool Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 You're being too needy. Most guys can't handle that. It's too desperate. It is an insecurity problem and it's fine to let someone know you're that way but not to keep demanding they have to do all the work on it, because they cannot fix that in you. It's your problem. Most men will find it too high maintenance to have to constantly reassure you. You need to work on yourself so you don't make this their problem. It's not attractive. They don't find it cute or attractive, just kind of desperate and needy. On an insecure person, it's never going to be enough until they find out why they're that way and fix themselves from the inside out. You "letting" him go out of town for work is in no way equivalent. That's his work, not him going to Las Vegas and banging showgirls. He has to do that. You don't have to do this. I completely agree with the above. I can't stand it when men have this level of neediness as well. OP, you are who you are but maybe you need someone who needs constant reassurance the way you do. I think you should find someone else. This guy seemed completely annoyed by your request.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I honestly don't think you are being needy OP. We all have needs. What is needy to one person is normal to another and vice versa. Perhaps you are just not compatible. Some people like more time together or more time apart, some require much emotional availability and others less - neither is wrong. It's about finding someone who matches your needs as much as possible. 2
stillafool Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Well I see your point about therapy, but I would still give it a try. There are plenty of people married for years who need it and never got it. If for nothing else, I would do it for myself to see if I do have any issues and for him for working on any he may have for himself personally and if we came out of it with an actual relationship all the better. Most likely though I expect he will not do it. You would be better off spending the therapy money on a new haircut and clothes to meet a new guy. Spring is just around the corner. If this is working it's time to let it go not spend money to fix it. 3
Author Bonasera Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) I am one who ne4eds alone time....alone time to me is a time to recharge in saying that i would not ignore a bfs request for time with me......and alone time is not me spending time with others...its in my room reading or praying or doing something for me......its on a pier at night looking at the water scenario.....its not a holiday its a recharge......people can soemtimes drain me and suck the life right out of me.......... weeks is not a recharge....its forgetting.....and i feel you need someone who doesnt forget you have needs too.....its not being needy to have needs its human......i wouldnt want to be with a guy who ignored me for weeks.....to me it shows lack of commitment and also a lack of foresight..lack of reliability..would leave me wanting and waiting and thats not somewhere or something i want to feel when with a guy.......and ignorance to me isnt a very positive trait........it would make me unhappy ...my love language is time...... i dont think you are being needy asking for time.....i feel you should sit down with him and have a talk...not a confronting one but one where you clearly state what isnt working for you...if he cares at all....he will make an effort to meet you halfway...why should you invest time in a relationship that makes you unhappy if he doesnt seem to care about the time you spend together or even communicate interest himself...you need to really speak with him before you resent his presence in your life for any amount of time...........deb Everything you are saying here rings true to me. I have had this conversation before and I basically have gotten the deer in the headlights response. And now I'm crying... Don't I wish he could have been okay with me and me with him. I'm 36 and pickings sure are getting slim. I thought of him as this beautiful person that somehow everyone else missed. Maybe I don't understand relationships. I thought it was to share your life with someone. To be close, while still having your own other interests. Maybe I am needy or maybe it is just the situation. Someone who is very intuitive once told me that I offer a level of intimacy that is too much for most men. I think that is something wonderful about me but it makes me sad that it's too much. Edited February 18, 2015 by Bonasera Left a word out 2
katiegrl Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) He needed that time because I kept asking for more time with him because in the time he gave me he was distracted or kinda not there--so that was his solution to be able to really be present for me when we did get together. Don't ever ask a man for more time..he will just find you annoying, whiny and needy..which is a huge turn off..sorry. If you are not happy with the time he "does" spend with you..and what he "does" give you, then you quietly leave and look for a guy who you don't have to beg to spend time with you/call you/text you. You shouldn't have to do that...and if you are, something is seriously wrong... and after only seven months, you should just leave and find a man with whom you are more emotionally compatible. He needed "space" for a week because he probably finds all your neediness and whininess utterly exhausting (emotionally)....it's like you have a bottomless pit that can never be filled.. Try and find other outlets in your life so you are not anxiously waiting to hear from him all the time. You will feel better...and if you leave him alone and stop all the whining... he might be inclined to "want" to spend time with you and call you...all on his own and NOT because you had to ask/beg him to! It may be too late for this guy but lesson learned for next time...your next relationship. I'm sorry... Edited February 18, 2015 by katiegrl 1
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 This guy is treating you like an accessory, not someone he wants to share his life with. 3
blackcat777 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) It's difficult to tell from your post whether you are smothering him, or if he's just disinterested, but it sounds like there's an imbalance of some kind. One thing I read somewhere that I found extremely insightful to apply to my own relationship, as someone who enjoys emotionally connecting with a man, is this: You can never MAKE a man call you. You can never make a man do anything. Plus, the way men and women act and interpret things is so radically different, especially in an intimate relationship, so bear this in mind. If you nag, complain, sound angry, or upset, because you want a man to call you more, or because he doesn't call when you want him to call, that's a negative emotional association, and he will associate the things you do that make him feel bad with the action you want. So he'll avoid making the call, because the phone will be associated with nagging. If, however, you sound genuinely stoked and grateful that he called--whenever he does call--whenever he finally gets around to it, in man land, on man time, which is completely different than woman time--he's going to feel good that he could make you happy, and be more inspired to call you again. It's a catch 22 of show, don't tell. Yes, you can tell him that a call would make you happy, but if you tell him and nag him about what to do... he's not going to do it. If you genuinely express your joy when he chooses to do it of his own free will, he might do it more. There are also some important caveats with this philosophy, which include knowing your boundaries (not being a doormat) and still being authentic--don't ever fake happiness, because that won't help, either. The idea is to have a paradigm shift and learn to appreciate when a man--in all his thoughts and actions that are so completely different from a woman's--makes the effort to reach out and meet you on grounds you appreciate as a woman... like making that phone call. There's also a difference between a man that continuously, actively pursues you, albeit thinking differently and needing healthy time to himself to recharge... and a man that doesn't respect you, and needs to be dropped like a hot potato. I was bummed when I didn't hear from my boyfriend the other week for a few days, but left him alone, because I know he's busy with school, has a life, whatever. When he did reconnect with me, he gushed on about how he was busy working on a paper and used a silly idea I flippantly gave him. So, really, I was on his mind the entire time while he was in work-man-focus-mode... even though my female brain was like, "ARRRGGHHHHHHH, why can't he call, doesn't he love me?!?! RAAAAHHHH!!" It's normal to have some frustrations, and I think all women naturally want to connect more, but these are also the times you need friends, family, pets, and hobbies to thoroughly immerse yourself in to stay happy and healthy. And really. Really. These thoughts, for women, are normal, but nothing positive ever comes of voicing them. I have gained so much from never giving in to that voice of insecurity in my current relationship. Frustrations between gender differences are normal, but the trick is learning how to recognize them, learning how to deal in a healthy way... and knowing how to tell when someone else is doing what's natural to them, vs. being hurtful by disregarding you. Do be prepared to walk if a man makes no effort to reconnect whatsoever. I think that's part of the important difference, paying attention to how men come back to you after having man time. Part of the art of relationships, I'm learning, is knowing when to connect, when to disconnect, and when to reconnect in a healthy way. Edited February 18, 2015 by blackcat777 5
ExpatInItaly Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Oy. I think the offer of therapy may have put the nail in the coffin. This isn't a marriage. It is a young relationship. It doesn't appear to be working for you and you won't be able to turn it around by suggesting counselling. If it fundamentally isn't what you want, walk away. 2
Buddhist Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Two thoughts. Your need for validation did seem a bit excessive to me, but then again everyone's different I suppose. But I used to be like this and after a lot of internal work find life much more enjoyable for me when I am more self contained. Could be something to look into. Guys often break up by simply contacting you less and less. They don't like confrontation or to be asked their reasons. Personally I think it's a bit pathetic but it's a common enough phenomena to be pretty reliable assessment. Last time I sensed it, I just straight up called him, asked him what he wanted, he protested that he really did want to break up but if I did he would accept it. So I told him it was over. I didn't call him to try and patch things over or fight for our relationship or blame him for all the things I thought were wrong. I just wanted to be certain that I got the closure I needed rather than allowing him to slink off silently and pretend nothing ever happened between us. All the while leaving me to wonder why. If you want to break up be honest and break up properly, like an adult. Allowing both parties to say anything that needs to be said and then go their separate ways. 4
todreaminblue Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Everything you are saying here rings true to me. I have had this conversation before and I basically have gotten the deer in the headlights response. And now I'm crying... Don't I wish he could have been okay with me and me with him. I'm 36 and pickings sure are getting slim. I thought of him as this beautiful person that somehow everyone else missed. Maybe I don't understand relationships. I thought it was to share your life with someone. To be close, while still having your own other interests. Maybe I am needy or maybe it is just the situation. Someone who is very intuitive once told me that I offer a level of intimacy that is too much for most men. I think that is something wonderful about me but it makes me sad that it's too much. i hear you......i think you need to talk to him one more time for closure reasons and explain that it isnt working fro x y and z reasons.make them exact..... ..it isnt fair you stay where you are unhappy...he might be fine with lack of communication and time but you really arent ok at all with it.....so be honest and cut the ties.....if you cant work on some compromise that suits both of you...it isnt all about what makes it comfortable for him you count and you deserve to be with someone who classes your needs as important as his own.....rather than needy and excessive..........good luck...deb 1
Els Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 "Alone time" is a few hours to yourself one evening to immerse yourself in your hobbies or go out with friends. Two WEEKS with no contact is NOT alone time in any way or form IMO. Nobody needs two weeks with zero contact from someone they love - if they do, chances are they are not suited for a relationship. For chrissakes, I talk to my platonic friends more often than that. You should bail. 11
Diezel Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Well I see your point about therapy, but I would still give it a try. There are plenty of people married for years who need it and never got it. If for nothing else, I would do it for myself to see if I do have any issues and for him for working on any he may have for himself personally and if we came out of it with an actual relationship all the better. Most likely though I expect he will not do it. Oh, I am SURE that is going to go well with him. When you tell him you want to do therapy for the problem he doesn't see himself having. Know what's going to happen? He's going to think you are the problem. It'd be so much easier to have an actual relationship with someone else than to drag this into therapy. But hey, what does all of this forum know? Right? Let's just ask a question, get answers, and then ignore all the advice and do what we want anyway. 1
katiegrl Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) Oh, I am SURE that is going to go well with him. When you tell him you want to do therapy for the problem he doesn't see himself having. Know what's going to happen? He's going to think you are the problem. It'd be so much easier to have an actual relationship with someone else than to drag this into therapy. But hey, what does all of this forum know? Right? Let's just ask a question, get answers, and then ignore all the advice and do what we want anyway. Not to sound mean... but I would venture to guess he already thinks she's the problem, which is the reason he needed space in the first place. It's a catch 22 really... the OP feels anxious and insecure cause he's busy, doesn't spend enough time with her, doesn't call enough, etc so she starts asking him for more...telling him she *needs* more...she's an emotional person....whatevet. In response he finds her overly needy and insecure...gets even MORE turned off and pulls back even more to get space...which in turn causes the OP to become even MORE demanding, anxious and insecure...which in turn annoys him even more causing him to need yet even more space from her ... for weeks at a time....etc etc etc. OP again don't ever ask/beg a man to call you more, text you more, spend more time with you, demand that he tell you he loves you....it doesn't work, it will turn him off, all of which will result in the exact opposite of what you want to happen.... Like I said, it may be too late for this relationship... (hope not though)...but lesson learned for next time. If you feel anxious and insecure, find other outlets....DON'T burden him with your neurosis... that's not fair and it WILL turn him off. Your anxiety/insecurity/emotional need for constant reassurance are YOUR issues to deal with, by yourself and/or with the help of a qualified professional. Good luck../ Edited February 18, 2015 by katiegrl 1
kendahke Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Well I see your point about therapy, but I would still give it a try. There are plenty of people married for years who need it and never got it. That's non sequitur. You are not married. You two do not have your finances intertwined. You two do not need the state to be dragged in to dissolve your relationship. So, no... you don't need therapy. You need to quit being stubborn and wanting what you cannot have. If for nothing else, I would do it for myself to see if I do have any issues and for him for working on any he may have for himself personally and if we came out of it with an actual relationship all the better. Most likely though I expect he will not do it. then go make an appointment FOR YOURSELF ALONE. He doesn't need to attend. You need help untangling this web you've weaved trying to keep hold of a man who is showing you clearly he doesn't want to be who you need for him to be. 1
kendahke Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Maybe I don't understand relationships. I thought it was to share your life with someone. To be close, while still having your own other interests. Maybe I am needy or maybe it is just the situation. Someone who is very intuitive once told me that I offer a level of intimacy that is too much for most men. I think that is something wonderful about me but it makes me sad that it's too much. I just went and looked at EVE Online... it's a MMORPG game--meaning: he is more invested in the people with whom he plays this online game than he is in people he is involved with in his daily life. Yeah, it may be an addiction for him; he might be somewhat hikikomori in the sense that he needs to be by himself for long stretches of time and fantasy games are his outlet. A man like this doesn't want what you have to offer. That is not where he gets his 'batteries recharged'. That comes from interacting with his online friends who are playing on the same team as him. Unless you're playing that game from your home, he's not going to want to engage you in the real world. With regards to your level of intimacy, depending upon the person on the receiving end, it could also be interpreted as too clingy/needy by someone who is incapable of/uninterested in dealing with that. The way to find out if it's truly you or the situation is to find another guy and do what you do with this guy. IF that guy is repelled by it, then you need to dial back your intimacy and learn better how to read their emotional map because while it can be a good thing, it can be overwhelming to someone who is not ready to be on the receiving end of it too soon in a relationship. 1
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 The OP may or not be "needy", but the responses this man is giving out are hardly the responses of someone who is invested in the relationship. He appears to be pre-occupied elsewhere, and is giving her "there, there" messages on cue, but is not actually listening to what she says. Long term that is going to be huge issue for her, many women check out of marriages due to lack of emotional support from and emotional connection with their husbands. For this to be happening 7 months into the relationship must be a huge red flag. Bonasera You have only known him for a short time, and in that time you have spent weeks alone, whilst he wants "alone" time, and when you are supposedly "together", he appears to have little time for you. You are in the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship and he barely wants to even speak to you??? Wake up, this man is not for you, he is giving you huge hints that he is not that into you, and you want to go to therapy with him??? Save your money. Have that in depth face to face talk if you want and if you are getting nowhere then he is not the man for you. Big girl's panties and walk away. 3
katiegrl Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) ^^^ I agree he doesn't seem invested..or interested....now. But that's not to say he wasn't when they first met..or wanted to be. I don't think he is a jerk per se. I am sure when they first started dating, he was very into her, hoping to develop a relationship... But after dating for awhile, it became obvious their emotional needs didn't match. OP needs a lot of emotional intimacy and togetherness...and him not as much. That doesn't make him a jerk, or wrong, or a bad person....his needs are just "different" from hers that's all. I can understand this because I myself am more like he is...and I would feel pressured and smothered if my boyfriend made the types of demands and had the same emotional needs the OP does. But he doesn't... his need for space, distance and emotional intimacy is the same as mine...so it works out really well and we've been together five years!! :) Anyway back to him. I think he wanted it to work...hence his idea that taking space might help. Problem is, it didn't work...it only caused OP to become even MORE anxious/insecure/needy which caused HIM to feel even more suffocated, pressured and turned off. If the OP had just backed off herself and allowed him his space for as long as he needed...and done her own thing...there is every possibility he may have missed her, his feelings reignited....and this whole thing would have had an entirely different outcome. So no I don't think he's a jerk at all. He is just a guy who became overwhelmed by the OP's emotional needs, turned off and pulled back hoping that would help. That's all.... JMO... Edited February 18, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author Bonasera Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) I think he is leaving this relationship and he is too coward to tell you. All the signs are there. He's absent minded, he does not get back to you and when he does it's short, he does not pay attention to what you say, and he's pretty much getting rid of you. If I were you, I'd give some REAL time alone, permanently. It's more than that though--he is absent minded a lot--he doesn't remember things, plan things (unless it is planning to play Eve Online), he has to really make an effort to not back out on plans that he confirms with anyone. His place is pretty dirty and I have never seen his bathroom clean once...orange streaks in the toilet...reprimanded by work for not keeping up on continuing education stuff, his daughter hasn't been here in 2 months and her bath toys dirty underwear and clothes are still all on the floor of his dirty guest bathroom--he neglects more than just my emotions or whatever in favor of alone time. Edited February 18, 2015 by Bonasera Used the wrong word
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 It's more than that though--he is absent minded a lot--he doesn't remember things, plan things (unless it is planning to play Eve Online), he has to really make an effort to not back out on plans that he confirms with anyone. His place is pretty dirty and I have never seen his bathroom clean once...orange streaks in the toilet...reprimanded by work for not keeping up on continuing education stuff, his daughter hasn't been here in 2 months and her bath toys dirty underwear and clothes are still all on the floor of his dirty guest bathroom--he neglects more than just my emotions or whatever in favor of alone time. And this is the man you picked for yourself and want to keep in your life..... 4
Zahara Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) It's more than that though--he is absent minded a lot--he doesn't remember things, plan things (unless it is planning to play Eve Online), he has to really make an effort to not back out on plans that he confirms with anyone. His place is pretty dirty and I have never seen his bathroom clean once...orange streaks in the toilet...reprimanded by work for not keeping up on continuing education stuff, his daughter hasn't been here in 2 months and her bath toys dirty underwear and clothes are still all on the floor of his dirty guest bathroom--he neglects more than just my emotions or whatever in favor of alone time. Now you're making excuses. If he remembers to plan/play on Eve Online, then he's not absent minded. It just means you are not a priority. The rest of what you wrote -- why are you investing in a man that has no interest in maintaining a home, a career, a daughter? If he can't even care for his own child, how can he care for you? And do you think someone like this will even want to invest time and effort in going to therapy? You're grasping. This isn't about being absent minded. It's simply that he doesn't care. Edited February 18, 2015 by Zahara 2
Diezel Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 It's more than that though--he is absent minded a lot--he doesn't remember things, plan things (unless it is planning to play Eve Online), he has to really make an effort to not back out on plans that he confirms with anyone. His place is pretty dirty and I have never seen his bathroom clean once...orange streaks in the toilet...reprimanded by work for not keeping up on continuing education stuff, his daughter hasn't been here in 2 months and her bath toys dirty underwear and clothes are still all on the floor of his dirty guest bathroom--he neglects more than just my emotions or whatever in favor of alone time. Oh he definitely sounds like a keeper. I can see why you wouldn't want to break up with him. I hope to one day aspire to be such a man myself. 1
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 It takes two to repair a relationship BUT I doubt he will ever be on board to go to therapy that he or you don't need. Your problem is that you just can't face the reality that this relationship has run it's course (which is a normal) and it's time to call it quits. I agree he is just not that into you.
Author Bonasera Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 No, I can face reality, I'm not pretending that I don't see any of this. I appreciate all the bluntness though and all the insight.
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