Bonasera Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I'm just looking for some outside perspective. I have been in a relationship with this man for 7 months. Now he is out of town for work. Things went well between us before he left. We had some nice texts back and forth when he arrived to where he was going. I called him once to talk just to catch up and also to tell him about what I was going through with my brother being really sick (he has MS and had a really bad episode). He just hurried me off the phone. The next day I just asked him one question by text and he didn't reply for two days. When he did reply he was all nice but gave no explanation for being two days. I just left him alone for two days and then on valentines day he left a message saying he really wanted to talk to me and wish me a happy valentines day and he had a present for me to get a massage here where I live. Before I could call he sent a message saying he needed to put his phone on airplane mode for a couple hours so he doesn't use up the battery and he would call me later that night. So about 30 min after that I texted him a funny Valentines picture and said I love him and I'll talk to him that night. He didn't call until 10pm his time. (He usually wants to go to bed and not talk at that time). So we talked he complained about how bad his day was because he slept in and missed a friends call then missed the train they wanted to take for fun. He didn't really seem to listen to anything I said because he would ask what I just told him. It was basically really unsatisfying after waiting to connect with him on some level for a week. I asked if he could stay in touch a little more. He said "of course". Then the next day Monday, yesterday. I didn't hear from him all day. I asked if he could call me at 5pm. He said he couldn't because he wanted to go for a run and get a haircut and how about later. I said I couldn't because I had to work my second job from 5:45pm to 11pm. Then I just told him never mind. So later he called while I was working saying that if it was an emergency he will make sure he is awake really late and he will be available all night if I need to talk. So I texted him that it is not an emergency but I am an emotional person and he is far away and I need him to text me/call me/tell me he loves me sometimes. He didn't respond to this but he did ask how my day was and tell me how his was. I asked him to respond to my request. He says: "okay I know I'm far but I'm thinking of you so don't worry okay:)" And I said "okay but I need something I can sense and thinking isn't that so tell me every so often because although I'm kinda intuitive I still need to hear it. So then all he says is "you bet well it's late so I'm going to bed." It's like he doesn't even hear what I'm saying and he just keeps putting me off for one reason or another. I don't understand why it is so hard to just be a little emotionally available especially when I give him the alone time that he says he needs.
preraph Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 You're being too needy. Most guys can't handle that. It's too desperate. It is an insecurity problem and it's fine to let someone know you're that way but not to keep demanding they have to do all the work on it, because they cannot fix that in you. It's your problem. Most men will find it too high maintenance to have to constantly reassure you. You need to work on yourself so you don't make this their problem. It's not attractive. They don't find it cute or attractive, just kind of desperate and needy. On an insecure person, it's never going to be enough until they find out why they're that way and fix themselves from the inside out. You "letting" him go out of town for work is in no way equivalent. That's his work, not him going to Las Vegas and banging showgirls. He has to do that. You don't have to do this. 2
Author Bonasera Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 I don't think you understand. I have given him weeks of alone time prior to him going out of town to recharge and take care of his needs. I do need emotional intimacy just like he needs other things. I'm not sure why because I want to have an emotional connection with someone and for them to create time for quality time is "needy". When other needs aren't considered needy? I didn't "let" him go out of town. It really has nothing to do with where he is, he still puts me off and leaves me hanging for plans or by showing up and just being tired and distracted or really late when we do have plans. 3
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I suspect that what he is giving you IS emotional intimacy for him. I get it's not for you but you may want / need more than he is capable of giving. If you want / need $100 & I give you all the money I have, $63.47, does that make a bad person because I didn't give you the full $100 even though I didn't have any more? 4
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I don't think you understand. I have given him weeks of alone time prior to him going out of town to recharge and take care of his needs. What do you mean by that? What time of alone time he wanted? and weeks?
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 What kind of relationship involves weeks of "alone time"? That sounds so casual I'm not surprised he's so detached. You guys need to talk about where this is headed, becaise expecting emotional intimacy from someone who neglects you for weeks at a time is a fool's errand. 2
Zahara Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 What was the need to give him weeks of space before this trip?
Author Bonasera Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 He loves me and yes, I am starting to think that he is giving all he can--and no that doesn't make him a bad person because he can't give what I need. I've even wondered if maybe he has a little aspergers if that's possible. By giving him weeks of alone time I mean that he asked for a week of alone time and said he would be happy to give me quality time at the end of the week on that Saturday and that happened two weeks in a row. The first one he did it. The second was okay--he wants me to plan everything and he complains about any suggestion I make. I'm sorry, I'm just fed up and if I'm needy I have no problem getting help for that--but I don't rely on him for my happiness in general, I have my own interests and friends and hobbies that I do things with regularly, so I really don't know how much is really a needy thing if it is.
smackie9 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 If it doesn't feel right to you, then it's not. You have already communicated to him, and he isn't getting it or he doesn't want to fulfill your expectations for this relationship. Breakup, and find someone that is more suitable, and is on the same page as you. It's only 7 months and you shouldn't have to work this hard for a relationship nor should you settle because you love him....not worth it hun. 5
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 By giving him weeks of alone time I mean that he asked for a week of alone time and said he would be happy to give me quality time at the end of the week on that Saturday and that happened two weeks in a row. The first one he did it. The second was okay--he wants me to plan everything and he complains about any suggestion I make.. I don't understand that 'alone time' he requested. To do what? and what did he end up doing during those 2 weeks? did it mean no contact too? Who needs alone time before leaving. He's getting plenty of alone time now. 3
Zahara Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I don't understand alone time either. What did he need it for? Did something happen for him to want space? What triggered him to need to be alone? Normally, when someone asks for space it's not a good thing.
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 By giving him weeks of alone time I mean that he asked for a week of alone time and said he would be happy to give me quality time at the end of the week on that Saturday and that happened two weeks in a row. The first one he did it. The second was okay--he wants me to plan everything and he complains about any suggestion I make. I'm sorry, I'm just fed up and if I'm needy I have no problem getting help for that--but I don't rely on him for my happiness in general, I have my own interests and friends and hobbies that I do things with regularly, so I really don't know how much is really a needy thing if it is. If you are fed up & not getting your needs met, there may only be one option. DH & I both need more alone time then many couples but we have figured out how to do that under the same roof. I also learned to pick my battles. If I want conversation, I hover in the door of his man cave. If we seriously need to talk he comes to the living room. It's understood that I don't ask for living room conversations often & when I do they are serious. Of course we talk at other times. We go out to dinner on Fridays. We take vacations. I was stressed yesterday & he just held me until I fell asleep but that is rare (not that he cares, that I need that level of being taken care of)
Diezel Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Sounds like you need to be in a relationship with someone who isn't this guy. 7
Author Bonasera Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 He needed that time because I kept asking for more time with him because in the time he gave me he was distracted or kinda not there--so that was his solution to be able to really be present for me when we did get together.
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 On some level I understand. In the beginning of a relationship, after I spent say the weekend with a guy I would not want to talk to him until Tuesday & not see him until Wednesday. As we grew closer my need for space lessened but I'd still run for a few days cover after say a vacation. I do not completely understand the need for multiple weeks apart. The reason I gave him the benefit of the doubt in my 1st reply is that he did seem to be calling & at least sort of listening, which is something.
Zahara Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 He needed that time because I kept asking for more time with him because in the time he gave me he was distracted or kinda not there--so that was his solution to be able to really be present for me when we did get together. So you asked for more time to spend with him and his solution was to ask for alone time? Then soon after hops on a business trip and now he prioritizes a haircut and his run over talking to you on the phone? I'm sorry but seems like he is detaching. 2
littlesister1234 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 This sounds eerily similar to my relationship (right down to how long we have been together.) Mine just texted me saying we need to talk. I'm scared. I wish you lots of luck and really hope it works out for you.
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I think he has a foot out the door. You know, sometimes we get needy because something has shifted and it's our instinct telling us something is off. Listen to your instinct. Needing 2 weeks of alone time before leaving town is not normal. After that first week break you got your Saturday as promised but the second week you didn't, he got annoyed at you organizing time with him as promised. Now he's away and you get this ! I think he is leaving this relationship and he is too coward to tell you. All the signs are there. He's absent minded, he does not get back to you and when he does it's short, he does not pay attention to what you say, and he's pretty much getting rid of you. If I were you, I'd give some REAL time alone, permanently. 2
kendahke Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I don't understand why it is so hard to just be a little emotionally available especially when I give him the alone time that he says he needs. Because he is not compatible with you. "A little emotionally available" may turn into "a lot emotionally available" for a guy like him and he can't deal with it. He doesn't want to be emotionally available to you--that much is clear from what you've written. You need a man who tells you he loves you and gives you reassurances a lot and he ain't that one. You'd be wise to reconsider the wisdom in continuing in this. Unless he decides that it's in his best interests to flip into someone he's not shown any interest in being so far, you are going to be stuck in this same fight over and over again til one of you ends this. And I'm with the others here--what does he need weeks of alone time to do, exactly? Is his job demanding? Is he studying for something? My dear, this isn't the right man for you if you're going through all of this.
Author Bonasera Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 The main thing he does with his alone time is play Eve Online.
Author Bonasera Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Because of how this relationship is I am honestly not very attached to it. At the same time I truly do love him. I am offering one thing and if he doesn't take it I am okay with it ending. This is the message I sent: "Clearly there is a problem here and I think you think it is all me, but it's not. This is definitely both of us and it's not working. If you want to see someone together who can help us figure this out and if it can work easily or not, I will pay for half of it. If not, I can't see us figuring this out ourselves. Let me know."
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Because of how this relationship is I am honestly not very attached to it. At the same time I truly do love him. I am offering one thing and if he doesn't take it I am okay with it ending. This is the message I sent: "Clearly there is a problem here and I think you think it is all me, but it's not. This is definitely both of us and it's not working. If you want to see someone together who can help us figure this out and if it can work easily or not, I will pay for half of it. If not, I can't see us figuring this out ourselves. Let me know." Woah! wait a minute. You don't go to therapy with a boyfriend of 7 months! You break up with a boyfriend of 7 months! Dating is about finding someone compatible to us, when the person we are dating is not then we break up and we find someone better suited for us. Therapy is for married couples! or common-law couples that are living together and have children and have a lot to lose. You have nothing to lose. After 7 months dating you should still be in your honeymoon phase! You are not, you are unhappy, he's doesn't care too much about your feelings, next him! 4
todreaminblue Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I am one who ne4eds alone time....alone time to me is a time to recharge in saying that i would not ignore a bfs request for time with me......and alone time is not me spending time with others...its in my room reading or praying or doing something for me......its on a pier at night looking at the water scenario.....its not a holiday its a recharge......people can soemtimes drain me and suck the life right out of me.......... weeks is not a recharge....its forgetting.....and i feel you need someone who doesnt forget you have needs too.....its not being needy to have needs its human......i wouldnt want to be with a guy who ignored me for weeks.....to me it shows lack of commitment and also a lack of foresight..lack of reliability..would leave me wanting and waiting and thats not somewhere or something i want to feel when with a guy.......and ignorance to me isnt a very positive trait........it would make me unhappy ...my love language is time...... i dont think you are being needy asking for time.....i feel you should sit down with him and have a talk...not a confronting one but one where you clearly state what isnt working for you...if he cares at all....he will make an effort to meet you halfway...why should you invest time in a relationship that makes you unhappy if he doesnt seem to care about the time you spend together or even communicate interest himself...you need to really speak with him before you resent his presence in your life for any amount of time...........deb 3
Zahara Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 If you are seeking therapy to fix a 7 month relationship, it's a strong indicator that you should be calling it quits. This is your honeymoon stage, where you both should be enjoying each other. At this point you walk away and find someone more compatible, not try to fix it.
Author Bonasera Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Well I see your point about therapy, but I would still give it a try. There are plenty of people married for years who need it and never got it. If for nothing else, I would do it for myself to see if I do have any issues and for him for working on any he may have for himself personally and if we came out of it with an actual relationship all the better. Most likely though I expect he will not do it.
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