Long Distance Break Up and Then I Moved to The Same City As Her

[arizonaliving12]

Ok, here we go. Im writing this primarily as a way to journal what I've been going through. It has been quite the journey and writing this down will help me process the chain of events that have taken place. I am in a place of acceptance and I'm moving on with my life, but as we all know this can be quite difficult at times.

 

 

So, This all goes back to the early part of last year. I started dating this girl casually in where I was living before. We met went on one date and that was it. This was because she had just found out she had got into Graduate School across the country. So there was no point of pursuing. But, about 2 weeks later through joking texts I was able to swing a second date. Well, one things leads to another and we ended up sleeping together that night.

 

 

We both had the mindset of casual fun, so there were no expectations. We were able to be ourselves completely because we knew she was leaving in 3 months. So what do you think happens?? We fall head our heels in love with each other. Spending every waking second together until she moved. I had never felt this way about anyone before in my life. I typically never get into relationships, because I have been focused on my work and was still having fun on the casual scene.

 

 

So the day comes when she has to leave and it an emotional goodbye. It was rough. We left on the notion that if something presented itself, A JOB, I would make the move. But I wouldn't actively seek one, but I would be open to it.

Well I travel for work and two weeks after she left I had a connecting flight in the city where she lived. I was able to change my flight with no cost and stay over for the weekend with her. This is where things progressed quickly. I think the combination of the emotional goodbye and seeing each other only 2 weeks later, unexpectedly, caused our relationship to elevate to the next level.

 

 

We decide to begin the dreaded Long-Distance relationship. Something I thought I never would do. This is where I began to actively seek a job so we could be together in the same city. I had an offer from a company that would allow me to work remotely from her city, but the owner said it would take time for it to happen. FALSE HOPE set in.

 

 

We kept on with our relationship with a light at the end of the tunnel, but the light never came. Months went by and we traveled back and forth to see each other. About three months into the long distance relationship the tides began to shift. With her grad school, my work, and this possible job never coming to fruition we began to have tension in our relationship. Then the job was completely removed and the owner said it would never happen. So, we were back to square one. What then happened was me trying to manipulate and scheme my way out there. I was trying to force and not let the universe take its true course. We soon became distant in our relationship and we decided to cut ties because staying together was just as bad as breaking up. So we broke up and decided to cut contact and if anything happened then we will see where we are down the road.

 

 

I was devastated, heart broken, and a mess. I tried to force a job out there the next day and I got job offers everywhere but the city where she lives. After loosing my sanity I snapped out of it and gave up. I focused on work and I excelled at it. I was moving on, dating casually, and was doing better.

 

 

Well of course about a month later I receive a message about a job. As soon as I had given up the universe presents itself. Next thing you know I'm talking to the VP of the company, and not only does he have a job for me in that city, but it is my dream job. The next step up in my career.

While this is going on she was back in town visiting, but we did not see each other. I had to let her know what was going on, because I didn't think it would be fair if I just showed up for her or me. I sent her an email stating the facts and what was happening. I even said if this makes you feel uncomfortable and you're trying to completely move on I would formally decline to position. She said she could not be factor in my decision but at the end said I am moving on though.

 

 

So, I had to make a decision. Sitting here today I can be honest about my motives. Yes, the job was amazing but the thought of her was the real reason I left. I took the offer and a month later I made the move. I knew no one in this town besides her. Luckily I am in recovery so I was able to go to meetings to make new friends. But the thing is, she is also in recovery. So I knew we would run into each other.

 

 

I sent her a text saying I would give her space by going to morning meetings. Well of course a week goes by and we have our first run-in. It was quite awkward. My heart dropped into my stomach and I could barely breathe. We briefly said hello and that was pretty much it. Another week goes by and we run into each other again, and again, and again. We start to become more friendly to each other but there is still awkward tension. Then one day we sit down for coffee and talk. I tell her how grateful I was for our break-up and how much I have been able to grow because of it. Which is completely honest. I thoroughly focused on myself spiritually and physically. Her eyes began to water, but she then told me we broke up on her terms and I don't know if we can be friends. So she pretty much said that it friends or nothing. No room for relationship. Which felt good and bad at the same time. Good that I know where we stand and bad I know we won't get back together.

 

 

Well a week goes by and we do the friend thing when we see each other, but still a little weird. Then one night I get a message from a new friend I have met who is a mutual friend of the ex. He tells me that he ran into my ex at the coffee shop and she was with her new boyfriend. Not only that but she is bringing him to the meeting I go to the next day and he is bringing the topic. At first I was like Ok I get it now.. Thats why she acted the way in the coffee shop. But, then I asked who he was. He then told me it was a guy from the town we both used to live in. So she had gotten into another long distance relationship.

 

 

I didn't know what to think then. Part of the reason we broke up was due to long distance and then she gets into another one?!?! I was pissed. So, I decided take off early that weekend for work to avoid the situation. I felt great actually after a couple days. Her dating this guy helped me move on. Of course I still had reservations but I was doing a lot better.

The weird thing is she sends me a text the same time she is with her new boyfriend a couple days later. I respond politely to the picture she sent, and she asked where I was and told her I was out of town for work. That was it. So, i found that quite odd. Who does that when they are with their new boyfriend?

 

 

Well I get back later on the next week and I run into her again at a meeting. This time I felt cool as can be and told her where I was and how much I am enjoying my new job. That was it. Then two days later she sends a text saying how she has felt uncomfortable ever since we broke up and since I moved here. That she wants to be honest how she is feeling since I have been open and honest about everything. I told her I'm not sure what you're trying to convey but Im always open to an honest discussion If you need to tell me something. Of course she does not respond. So I pick up the phone and call her after an hour.

 

 

We begin to talk and I tell her how she is sending mix signals. And that by doing so it causes me to go down an emotional roller coaster. That I'm doing my best to move on but the more I talk to her the harder it gets. She tells me she broke up with me because she runs away from intimacy and when I got closer to moving here she decided to run. Again this does not help me move on. We talk for an hour and catch up. We laugh and joke like old times. She talks about her current boyfriend and I told her I do not judge her for it. That I understood, that I almost did the same thing when I moved to this city. I get it , but I knew that it is not what I wanted. I had experienced that with her and I know I don't want to do that again. That I need to fully move over here and not have part of me back in the old city. She also told me she was upset I asked out one of her friends. Who I had no idea they were close friends and she even said that they were not.

 

 

We then ended the conversation and I felt better. Then a couple hours later the downward spiral sets it in. Every time I get a taste of what we had I over analyze the situation and look for hope. The next day I go to another meeting and of course she is there. We do not talk and I felt uncomfortable. After the meeting I text her and tell I her would like to talk more in person. I knew I had to get everything off my chest and that might mean setting boundaries for no contact.

She comes over to my place and we talk. I tell her how how i felt when we broke up and how it doesn't help me when you say the reason why we broke up was because you run away from intimacy. Implying that you still love me but you are just scared. I tell her part of the reason I moved here was in hope of getting back together and I would be dishonest if it was just the job. Luckily I love my job and the city so I will be OK. She tells me she feels uncomfortable around me because she misses me so much. I then ask her point blank if she wants me back and she says, "well... no I have a boyfriend". I then tell her my meeting schedule and that it would be best for me to have my space so I can move on. At the end I told her

I still love her, I still want her back, and I would be willing to work on our issues. You have my phone number so you know where to find me and that was it. She gave me a long hug goodbye and she left.

 

 

I feel really good about laying it all out there and being completely honest. The last thing I wanted to do was play the "I don't care card" and act like it's not a big deal when I see her. I don't want to get her back that way. If she does come back it is because I am transparent and honest about what I want. But she has to come half way. I will not play games because it is not healthy for me. I can now move on with my life and if she comes back she comes back but I will not wait around. I will focus on me and what I need to do to make myself happy and for now she can't be a friend in my life.

 

Please let me know you're recommendations on my journey.

[DannyCA]

 

I feel really good about laying it all out there and being completely honest. The last thing I wanted to do was play the "I don't care card" and act like it's not a big deal when I see her. I don't want to get her back that way. If she does come back it is because I am transparent and honest about what I want. But she has to come half way. I will not play games because it is not healthy for me. I can now move on with my life and if she comes back she comes back but I will not wait around. I will focus on me and what I need to do to make myself happy and for now she can't be a friend in my life.

 

Good job on laying out your cards. Even though you still want her back, I can tell you're making progress. I don't know your whole story but, I can tell you really liked this girl. But I think the most important question is if you need this girl in your life if she's going to be acting this way.

 

I get it like all the posters on here have said before "go NC 100% no excuses!" I think the circumstances should dictate whether or not NC is the best thing. I don't think it's the worst thing for you to have been speaking to her.

 

But now you put the ball in her court, let it be, you don't have any more control over this situation. I don't know how old you are, but I'm going to assume you're still in your 20's since you were dating someone in grad school.

 

You have your dream job I think you said, you're in a new city, you have a chance to reinvent yourself. Enjoy yourself and your new friends.

[Ruby65]

Wow, that's some story!

 

I can only give you my first impression on reading through it, which is that the problem (as I see it anyway) is your ex (like most people) wasn't honest with you about why she ended the relationship. Most people will try and sugar-coat to avoid hurting your feelings.... they think they're being nice, but the end result is that it leaves so much confusion and mixed messages.

 

Anyhow she told you she was ending it because of the distance... or some bull about fear of intimacy or whatever... but the truth is likely she was losing feelings for you and probably already starting to be attracted to this other guy.

 

I don't think she was honest, and she was probably mortified to have you move to her city so you can catch her in the lie about not wanting a long distance relationship anymore when her new boyfriend is long distance!

 

I'm sure she feels guilty for being emotionally unfaithful. I'm sure she's very very conflicted when faced with your genuine emotions for her when she's been dishonest. I'm sure all of this conflict and unease is reading to you as "she's torn because she still has feelings for me".... but the way I read it, anyway, is she feels guilty because she was probably starting to be emotionally unfaithful to you toward the end of your relationship.

 

Anyhow, that's just my take on it. I could sure be wrong -- wouldn't be the first time.

 

Best of luck to you, and congratulations on your continued recovery!