Buddhist Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 She said she was raped at a party and she had a STD from another guy; Thereafter, she started to view sex in a different way. In conclusion, she is willing to find a solution. Does anyone have any view as how i may be able to help her with this process? I also know lots of you have said i should end things, but i feel like giving an extra effort and hope for a positive outcome. Well if that's the reason for it, then yes I can understand the situation you are in. First she needs to seek some kind of counselling for the assault, because just avoiding the same kind of touching is not dealing with the pain, it's buring it and causing problems in her life. So her STD is not a curable variety? Is it a managable variety where risk to yourself can be eliminated when you are sexual and can her symptoms (if there are any) be treated? And finally she needs to be willing to teach you how to touch her without it feeling like an assault all over again. She has to learn how to feel safe around men again. Lots of trust issues to overcome but if you are prepared for that then go for it. 1
Belle88 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I'm wondering if she's on any medication. When I started a new birth control pill and an antidepressant and it killed my sex drive. I mean I could've went months and months without any interest. Also in addition I was having relationship troubles and was not longer attracted to my boyfriend. I think she needs to seek some kind of professional help to overcome these issues. But I think this could be a dealbreaker in the long run.
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Thank y'all for the warm responses. I spoke to her today and she mentioned to me that her lack of sex drive started about a year before we got together. She said she was raped at a party and she had a STD from another guy; Thereafter, she started to view sex in a different way. In conclusion, she is willing to find a solution. Does anyone have any view as how i may be able to help her with this process? I also know lots of you have said i should end things, but i feel like giving an extra effort and hope for a positive outcome. Dude she needs a professional therapist, you can't do anything for her. Being raped and dealing with it is a very complicated, complex thing that can take years to recover from if ever. You are wasting your time. 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Lots of trust issues to overcome but if you are prepared for that then go for it. Yes and knowing what you do now please never never cheat on her, that would be a setback for her, if you can't see this through with her then breaking up would be the fairest thing, good luck! 1
Diezel Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Thank y'all for the warm responses. I spoke to her today and she mentioned to me that her lack of sex drive started about a year before we got together. She said she was raped at a party and she had a STD from another guy; Thereafter, she started to view sex in a different way. In conclusion, she is willing to find a solution. Does anyone have any view as how i may be able to help her with this process? I also know lots of you have said i should end things, but i feel like giving an extra effort and hope for a positive outcome. Oh my god, NO. NO. NO. NO. And not because of the rape/STD part even. Giving an extra effort and positive outcome? Yeah, it'd be MUCH easier to start over and find someone new. You want to get a glimpse into your future? Go to Reddit and look up the Dead Bedrooms sub and either post this same story or see what a positive outcome has done for others. BREAK. UP. WITH. HER. 1
stillmind Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 NOOOOO nononono. Look. You aren't in love with this girl. Don't kid yourself. If you're considering having a "side lover" you are NOT in love with this girl. The only reason you would be trying to help her would be to get more sex, not out of any love for her. Do. Not. Stick. Around. Rape is a horrible trauma, but this is not your row to hoe. It is on her to seek professional therapy and counseling. YOU only want to help her so that she will give you more sex. No!!!! She may not ever overcome her issues with sex and intimacy. You're thinking about taking a side lover and you think you're the man to heal her wounds and make her trust men again? wtf. WTF, no. Break up with her.
Moy Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 She likes sex, just not with you. Develop the same aversion to spending money on her. You deserve better. Move on from this one.
CarrieT Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 She said she was raped at a party Do you know if she has had counseling for this? That is a HUGE step that would need to be taken. In conclusion, she is willing to find a solution. She has to WANT to find a solution for her - not for you. That is going to be a huge part of the process; you can't help her until she takes the steps needed for her to want to change for herself. She may LIKE being a-sexual right now. And as a former rape victim, I can assure that those feelings of not wanting sex don't usually linger. But the process of changing is not fast. Does anyone have any view as how i may be able to help her with this process? There is going to be a slippery slope for you, my friend. Anytime you bring it up to her, it will look like you are trying to fix her so that you can have sex. Again, she is the one who is going to have to take the steps to WANT TO CHANGE and you are going to have to tread *very* lightly in how you go about "helping" without appearing to pressure her. Does that make sense?
1980alence Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 OP, I would find a girl who enjoys sex. You'll be much happier. Usually the ones that hate sex are the ones who have problems with physical affection and turn into cold heartless bitches / feminazis later. Paradoxically, feminists often have high sex drives AND a point to prove (that they're sexually liberated and enjoy sex). My current gf is a feminist, and she's the closest to ideal I've found in this department. It's n=1, sure, but I've read in some articles as well that feminists often have less hangups about enjoying sex, etc. Read a couple articles on feminism, and maybe try dating a feminist if you agree with feminist principles (most sane ppl do). Good luck!
1980alence Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Sorry to be rude and not reply to OP as well. I agree with many on this thread - whether it's her sex drive, or her sexual attraction to you specifically, you're not likely to see any significant changes and things are likely to get worse. I've had several relationships where we tried to deal with this issue, but it never worked (I've also had relationships that didn't have this problem - including my current one). Do both of you a favor and end it. There are so many women out there - join a group and meet some, and then TRY to stay single. There are plenty of women out there who want to have sex with you as often or more often than you prefer, you just have to find them by trial and error, unfortunately. I wish I had been told this when I was younger - if you find a woman you're sexually compatible with who's faithful and honest, hang on to her and work on whatever other issues come up. Of the issues that can be 'fixed' with therapy and compromise, sex is one of the hardest. Also, working on your communication skills is also a big help overall. Books like 'Feeling Good Together,' 'The Five Love Languages,' and 'Getting the Love You Want' will help give you insight into how to communicate, be supportive, and build strong, lasting relationships.
kendahke Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Thank y'all for the warm responses. I spoke to her today and she mentioned to me that her lack of sex drive started about a year before we got together. She said she was raped at a party and she had a STD from another guy; Thereafter, she started to view sex in a different way. In conclusion, she is willing to find a solution. Does anyone have any view as how i may be able to help her with this process? I also know lots of you have said i should end things, but i feel like giving an extra effort and hope for a positive outcome. She is just now mentioning the STD to you? And how many times have you had sex before she told you this? That should have been a conversation she had with you when it was looking like you two were going to become sexually active with one another, not 4 months later. I'd dump her over the fact that she didn't tell you about the STD first... and go get tested to make sure you don't have anything. She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. You are not equipped to bring about "a positive outcome". The onus for that is totally on her. Right now, your involvement in a positive outcome is to quit bugging her for sex. This needs to be dialed back to a friendship and you need to go find someone else with whom you can be sexually active in a relationship. This woman isn't emotionally ready to be in a relationship--she's got a whole lot of resolution work she needs to be doing.
kendahke Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Yeah but who really wants to have sex with someone that doesn't want to have sex as well (rapists excluded haha). someone hasn't read the thread...
wb1988 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 she mentioned to me that her lack of sex drive started about a year before we got together. She said she was raped at a party and she had a STD from another guy I think it's something she made up to get you to back off, am I the only one that thinks this it is BS? Surely she would have told you about the STD and it's not like she's not having sex, she's screwing you every week right? Whatever it is, it sounds like a lot of hard work that probably won't pay off.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Paradoxically, feminists often have high sex drives AND a point to prove (that they're sexually liberated and enjoy sex). My current gf is a feminist, and she's the closest to ideal I've found in this department. It's n=1, sure, but I've read in some articles as well that feminists often have less hangups about enjoying sex, etc. Read a couple articles on feminism, and maybe try dating a feminist if you agree with feminist principles (most sane ppl do). Good luck! I was referring to the "other" group of feminists who constantly berate men lol. "How dare my husband want to have sex with me once a month, I'm not some cheap hooker!"
WomenWubber Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I don't see why there's something inherently wrong about not liking sex, like some posters have pointed out in this thread. But I'm digressing. @op It's time to make a decision. Sex can be something very difficult to compromise on, so think about it seriously if you want to stay.
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