lifeofdavid09 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I and my gf have been together for about 4 months. Within these 4 months, i have been denial sex countless times. I like sex a lot and the thought of having a side lover has come to mind a few times. She is an amazing and gorgeous person but doesn't like sex. We have sex about once a week. I have spoken to her about the issue; i also told her 2 - 3 times a weeks is good for me. If she wants more, that would be awesome. She told me she doesn't like sex and doesn't care for it. Apparently, she mention to me that she has a low sex drive. Sometimes, I try to foreplay but she would push me aside. Honestly, everything in the relationship is great except for the Sexual life. I want to help the situation or find a solution but i don't know where to start.
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 NOOOO! Don't even think about "side lover," just move on, you have only been together 4 months, that is just getting to know you time, obviously you are not compatible in a very important way!! 2
preraph Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Well, this is her problem to work on or not work on. Chances are that if she went to a gynecologist who was a hormone specialist or to one of those bioidentical hormone places, they would find she has a low level and fix her right up. But there is always also the outside chance she simply isn't that attracted to you, in which case can you think of any reason why she would be with you, like monetary? So it very well could be fixable, but just like anything else, she has to want to fix it, and it doesn't sound like she's motivated. She'd likely take offense if you suggested that God forbid she was deficient in some way. If you're to the point of ready to break up over this, then it might be worth just gently bringing up the subject and asking if she's ever seen a specialist about it and encourage her to. You can be honest with her that this may be a deal breaker for you. But do be aware that if you did stay together for some longer amount of time, eventually, usually the sex frequency drops off anyway. So whether hers stays at once a week, which might be acceptable after a couple of years, or drops off to nothing, that is the worry. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 2-3 times a week isn't asking a lot. She should really try and compromise to make things work with you. Also if you ever get married, you can expect the once a week to turn into NEVER. Ask yourself this - can you be in a sexless relationship? 3
preraph Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I have to respectfully disagree that any woman should have sex when she doesn't feel like it. She's not a prostitute. A man can handle his own needs or switch partners. I know where you're coming from on it, because I know how men think about it is so different, but women are more complex and can't just do it when they're not excited or in the mood without feeling like they're being misused and disrespected. 5
bathtub-row Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Walk away from this now. It won't get fixed and you're guaranteed a miserable life with this person. If you marry her, I'm guessing you'll be lucky if you have sex once a month. Just because most things are nice in a relationship, doesn't mean they can trump the deal breakers. This one is s deal breaker. 4
Author lifeofdavid09 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 preraph and barcode88 ... I completely understand your points. Also i want it to be her welling to have sex and not pressured to do it because i want it. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 OP, I would find a girl who enjoys sex. You'll be much happier. Usually the ones that hate sex are the ones who have problems with physical affection and turn into cold heartless bitches / feminazis later. 3
Diezel Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Here is the solution: BREAK UP WITH HER. Find someone whose sex drive matches yours. If this is your situation at 4 months in, I see a future where you post about not having had sex for over a year. 6
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Very difficult situation!! The question is, is this a deal breaker? Perhaps bring it up with her one more time and tell her how important it is to you, and ask WHAT can be done to please her in that area as well?
Author lifeofdavid09 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 @CrystalShine2011 You made a good point. I will have another seat down talk with her. Perhaps, it may make an impact. @ diezel ... I see your view of breaking up with her. But based on your experience do you see a sight chance that she maybe willing to do whatever it take to save the relationship ?
stillmind Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I don't think this is worth talking about in a four month relationship. It's not going to get better. If your sex drives are badly mismatched at the beginning of a relationship it's only going to get worse over time. 10
Diezel Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Very difficult situation!! The question is, is this a deal breaker? Perhaps bring it up with her one more time and tell her how important it is to you, and ask WHAT can be done to please her in that area as well? Not worth it. If he's posting this thread on LS, it's because it'll eventually be a dealbreaker. Telling her how important it is to him, is only going to make her feel pressured, resentful or give her a short-term boost. You can't negotiate desire. At four months in, if she doesn't like sex NOW, she won't like sex with him EVER. 5
preraph Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 ^ I'm afraid that's right -- unless she has a hormone deficiency and is willing to look into that and fix it.
jezzika Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 If you are this sexually incompatible after only four months, imagine what it will be like later. She says she doesn't like sex...yet, sex is an extremely important part of a relationship. You mentioned the thought of a side lover. It's better to move on and find someone who matches you sexually rather than hurt this girl by cheating at some point. 2
central Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 There is no solution. This is the way she is, and for her it's natural. You are simply sexually incompatible, and it will NOT get any better. IMO, you should move on now before becoming more attached, as that will only lead down the path of misery and resentment. Find someone who is much closer in drive to you - and remember that in the first year or two of a new relationship, the amount and frequency of sex is likely to be higher than later when the initial hormonal rush fades. That's when you'll find the real baseline frequency to expect. And of course, later on things like children or job stress or other relationship issues can dramatically affect libido and frequency. 2
GemmaUK Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 If sex is part of a long healthy RS for you then this is not for you. I met two guys who were the same - it never got better. Just worse. I was with a guy for 14 years and it was always great, even after all that time. Aside from those two guys I have never had any issues in a RS. 2
smackie9 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 She's broken, and hasn't done a thing to help herself fix whatever it is. You have far better things to do than nurse this relationship. It's a no brainer, just end it and move on. 3
freetolove Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 find a new girlfriend. she is not physically attracted to you. I've been in his position before and don't know how to tell the guy. he was a great guy but the physical chemistry was not there. 3
Buddhist Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) I She told me she doesn't like sex and doesn't care for it. Apparently, she mention to me that she has a low sex drive. Sometimes, I try to foreplay but she would push me aside. Honestly, everything in the relationship is great except for the Sexual life. I want to help the situation or find a solution but i don't know where to start. This is going to hurt but I'll say it anyway. She doesn't like sex the way you've been doing it. If a guy just has no idea about my body and no interest in having me direct him a little to make it better, then I pretty much don't want it. It becomes a chore I have to suffer through rather than something I enjoy. I'll read the rest of the thread to see if there's any detail there that I can help you with, but really I think it comes down to this. I hate guys who grasp at my tender parts forcefully or who think that running stubble across my chest is a great idea. It's just painful and makes me want to punch him in the face. I don't want to be feeling intense anger during sex (no, it's not kinky). Also I did have one boyfriend who was so bland in bed I just ended up not having sex with him unless he pressured me. Nothing to hate, but also just nothing to like about it either. Stick tab in slot and move about...... If this is her problem though, the onus is on her to try and educate you about her body a bit. If she doesn't want to talk about it, then she should at least be directing your hands and providing some kind of verbal feedback about what she is and isn't enjoying. How was it the first time you had sex? All over in a rush? Did she seem into it then or was she zoning out? Before you ditch her just ask her if there's something you do which is putting her off. If her answer is no, then walk. She's either asexual or not willing to be honest with you. Nothing you can do. For single guys, unless you are getting your prior gf's off like nobody's business I actually think a trip to a skilled professional is a good idea and ask her to show you some stuff. She's a professional, she knows what she's on about and you can add a few tricks to the arsenal. Enjoyable sex is a learned skill, it takes practice, and watching porn doesn't usually result in skill sets that women enjoy overly much because they are geared towards what men enjoy. Edited February 17, 2015 by Buddhist
Lernaean_Hydra Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I had something else typed up but then I realized there was no real need for a lengthy reply. You don't casually drop the fact that you have a low sex drive on someone a few months into the relationship. If she's telling the truth this is unlikely to be a fact she's only recently discovered about herself so to not share that in advance was unfair, however at least she's done it now. If she "doesn't like sex" and you do then you're fundamentally incompatible. Nobody wants to have obligatory, "compromise sex", especially this early on. Just dump this woman. 1
Author lifeofdavid09 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Thank y'all for the warm responses. I spoke to her today and she mentioned to me that her lack of sex drive started about a year before we got together. She said she was raped at a party and she had a STD from another guy; Thereafter, she started to view sex in a different way. In conclusion, she is willing to find a solution. Does anyone have any view as how i may be able to help her with this process? I also know lots of you have said i should end things, but i feel like giving an extra effort and hope for a positive outcome.
maysj18 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I and my gf have been together for about 4 months. Within these 4 months, i have been denial sex countless times. I like sex a lot and the thought of having a side lover has come to mind a few times. She is an amazing and gorgeous person but doesn't like sex. We have sex about once a week. I have spoken to her about the issue; i also told her 2 - 3 times a weeks is good for me. If she wants more, that would be awesome. She told me she doesn't like sex and doesn't care for it. Apparently, she mention to me that she has a low sex drive. Sometimes, I try to foreplay but she would push me aside. Honestly, everything in the relationship is great except for the Sexual life. I want to help the situation or find a solution but i don't know where to start. I feel I have a pretty big sex drive in my mind, but when the time comes I'm usually not in the mood. This is for a number of reasons, but one thing I wish men would understand is that sex isn't always comfortable for girls. If there's even the littlest bit of gas or irritation, it hurts and no amount of lube will make that comfortable. A woman's cervix is also lower whenever she is not sexually aroused, so even a quicky can be painful because it's right in harms way and there's not much you can do about it. Some women are blessed and have no issues whatsoever, but there are plenty of us that don't enjoy it as often as we'd like to. There's also the sad possibility that you don't turn her on- I don't care what she says, but you might just not do it for her in that way. I've been sexually attracted to plenty of people, but the spark dulls in the bedroom for some reason or another. It doesn't change how I feel about them if I truly care for them, but it turns me off of intimacy whether I notice it or not.
maysj18 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Thank y'all for the warm responses. I spoke to her today and she mentioned to me that her lack of sex drive started about a year before we got together. She said she was raped at a party and she had a STD from another guy; Thereafter, she started to view sex in a different way. In conclusion, she is willing to find a solution. Does anyone have any view as how i may be able to help her with this process? I also know lots of you have said i should end things, but i feel like giving an extra effort and hope for a positive outcome. That's really heavy and isn't something to be taken lightly. This will likely account for a lot more baggage you will see later on. She needs professional help to overcome to the trauma. 2
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