MissTam40 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 hi guys. I'm new to this thread, but any advice you give would be much appreciated. I met a guy about a year ago upon moving to a new city. We hit it off instantly. He had just ended a 17 year relationship with his now 18 year old son's mother. He explained that they'd been off & on for some time since their initial breakup 4 years ago; but he is ready to move on but wants to take it slow because he has some baggage, issues from the relationship that he wants to deal with. He took responsibility for himself in the problems, & basically asked me to be patient & all. We'd see each other from time to time. it was short, but sweet. When he was with me, it was like he was in 'heaven', but when he left he was very distant. It was a red flag that he was 'escaping reality' by being with me but dealing with the breakup /issues once he left. As we got closer, I was more eager than he of course because I've been single 7 years-I saw that he was more hot & cold. We talked about it & he said that he didn't want us to move too fast & didn't want me to be a rebound-he said he is still very hurt from the relationship & time loss/wasted. He talked about not wanting me in the 'middle' & wanted to deal with it on his own. I asked if his ex was 'in his ear' when he goes 'hot & cold' & he said yes, because she knows about us & he allows it to affect the way he treats me-admitted it was unfair & pretty much begged me to give him some 'time' to deal with things. He said he would talk to me about everything & be honest if he decided to try again with her. In the meantime, he told me he wants to continue to be there for me, be a friend & work on building something with me but without 'pressure', which I admit I did at times, but only because I knew 'something' was wrong (meaning that she was still in the picture). He admitted that they talk a lot-mainly about their son who's entering college this year. He also said that she's verbally abusive & makes him feel guilty for them not being a 'family'. He allows this to play on his emotion, which affects how he reacts to me. He's never mistreated me, but there have been times when I felt he was taking his frustrations with her out on me. I guess I answer my own question by stating this is probably all the more reason I should be ok if I give him space. We dont' talk as much, text as much. I see him when I take my son to get his haircut (he's my son's barber, which is how we met). He has a good relationship with him as well. He chats with him, gives me a hug before I leave, & until next time....from time to time I text & say 'hi'. He always responds but it's not much. I fear that maybe he's found someone he's more interested in or is planning to go back to her. (he denies this, saying that he's trying to keep me out of the middle of he & his exes' issues). I guess I'm used to guys being dishonest & using excuses to get out of dealing with a woman. But he's been quite honest with me so it's hard not to take his word. I'm afraid if I continue to try to be a 'friend' that's all I will ever be. Aside from getting my son's haircut 1 or 2 times a month, I think maybe it's best that I just really leave him 'be' & let him come to me if he wishes. I am afraid if I don't contact him at all he will forget about me & move on, but if I do I will not get anywhere either. What do you guys think. Any help you give me will be appreciated
salparadise Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 He allows this to play on his emotion, which affects how he reacts to me. He's never mistreated me, but there have been times when I felt he was taking his frustrations with her out on me. I guess I answer my own question... What do you guys think. Any help you give me will be appreciated I think you sound desperate. Do you not feel worthy of being more than a maybe-someday option for a man who's all twisted up with his ex? People who know their worth run like crazy at the first sign of this kind of trouble. It takes about two years after a clean break from a long-term relationship/marriage to equilibrate and be ready for another relationship. I think you should take your son to a different barber and let him get his life sorted out. I give him a lot of credit for being resistant to drawing you right into the middle of it, because you sure are doing your best to volunteer as the willing victim. Date men who are actually available. Don't wait, move on. PS: paragraphs are a good thing!
Author MissTam40 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) I can agree to a certain extent that I may be expecting more, but only due to what he has told me. I wouldn't call it desperate, as I have insisted that we stop seeing each other, etc. But he always says that's not what he wants. I tried to give you as many details as necessary without getting too long. but leaving things out causes people to assume-just as you did-that I am the one who is 'keeping things going' between us and that is not the case. Actually he told me he was ready to move on when we started dating, I'm assuming that he realized he really wasn't the closer he got to me & maybe still realized he misses her. Oh, I do get it. Trust me. But I just felt it's a little 'late' to play the 'oops' card on his end, but I guess better late than never. Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it much. Edited February 17, 2015 by MissTam40
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