edelweiss Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 So I want to broach a topic with my bf that I'm not sure how to go about discussing. We've been seeing each other for many months. We're close. We're open and communicative. There aren't problems. He has ex girlfriends of course, and an ex wife, who have kept in relative contact with him. I've noticed several instances, where his ex has called him in the night (upset) and he's picked up and taken the call outside, or has sent him texts in the night (miss you, etc.), or he's woken up to random texts from her just initiating conversation. Maintaining a friendly relationship -- fine. But this seems maybe a little...a little bit much on her end. He's "too nice" to not respond, and I'm not a snoop, so outside of the little clips of texts that preview on his screen when he checks his phone, or takes a call, I don't know the exact context of any of this. I don't want to be paranoid, and I don't want to assume anything in the wrong, so I'd like to ask him today what the nature of his relationship with his ex is exactly. How do I do that? How do I get the information I need that'll reassure me without sounding like I'm obsessing over something I'm not?
PegNosePete Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I've noticed several instances, where his ex has called him in the night (upset) and he's picked up and taken the call outside It's a lot easier to ask him at the time it happens, than to let it bottle up and have to broach the subject retrospectively. I would certainly ask him "what was all that about?" the next time it happens. If he doesn't give you a satisfactory answer then you may want to re-evaluate your "open and communicative" description of your relationship! has sent him texts in the night (miss you, etc.) WTF? That is a very weird text to send an ex. Totally inappropriate. I'd like to ask him today what the nature of his relationship with his ex is exactly. It's pretty impossible to ask someone that. He is not going to tell you, "yeah it's a bit inappropriate", is he? No, you have to judge that for yourself. That kind of thing has to be done on the fly, you can't ask about it retrospectively.
Toodaloo Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Agree with Peg Nose but also this women is being a bit... well she isn't looking after her sisters if she is doing that so you could always pick up the phone and say sorry he is sleeping can I take a message and pass it on at a more appropriate hour. 2
Author edelweiss Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 How long he has been broken up with that ex? It's my understanding that they've been separated for more than a year or so.
kendahke Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 It's my understanding that they've been separated for more than a year or so. And how many months is "many months" for you two?
Author edelweiss Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 It's a lot easier to ask him at the time it happens, than to let it bottle up and have to broach the subject retrospectively. I would certainly ask him "what was all that about?" the next time it happens. If he doesn't give you a satisfactory answer then you may want to re-evaluate your "open and communicative" description of your relationship! WTF? That is a very weird text to send an ex. Totally inappropriate. It's pretty impossible to ask someone that. He is not going to tell you, "yeah it's a bit inappropriate", is he? No, you have to judge that for yourself. That kind of thing has to be done on the fly, you can't ask about it retrospectively. I've never inquired as to his social media/texting behaviors in the past, and he doesn't with me either. We're the types to leave our computer browsers up and phones about, not hidey-hidey about our social lives generally. So next time I see something from her, you think it'd be alright to be like, "What's up with ____?" And then maybe pry further...?
Author edelweiss Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 And how many months is "many months" for you two? Four to five. I rescind my last answer, it was a bit over a year since we started seeing each other. So now a bit over a year + four to five months.
katiegrl Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 It's my understanding that they've been separated for more than a year or so. They're only "separated"? Are they officially divorced? If not...tread very carefully, if not walk away for good.. THEIR communicating like this indicates (to me anyway) that they still have feelings for each other that they haven't fully resolved yet.. If it were me, I'd just walk away quietly and find a man more emotionally available.
Author edelweiss Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 They're only "separated"? Are they officially divorced? If not...tread very carefully, if not walk away for good.. THEIR communicating like this indicates (to me anyway) that they still have feelings for each other that they haven't fully resolved yet.. If it were me, I'd just walk away quietly and find a man more emotionally available. Sorry, misuse of terms! Yes, they're divorced.
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Personally I would not wait till next incident I would bring the subject up in a non confrontational manner. Like honey I've noticed something a few days ago and I'd like to know what it's about. Keeping in touch with exs are ok in my book if it's done in a respectful manner for all parties. I would not feel respected if my boyfriend took a call from an ex and went out the room, or if I saw her texting him 'I miss you'. She is seeking attention and he's providing it, he is feeding her hopes each time he picks up her calls or replies to her text. Maybe she is depressed about something or about their break up, it's still not his job to play psychologist to her, she has friends for that. It's not disrespectful of him to tell her that for a time they will not contact. That he is in a relationship now and they both need to put some distance between them. Being friends with an ex does not happen boom! like that. You first need space to mourn the relationship, if that process had not been done one doesn't really let go.
Author edelweiss Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Personally I would not wait till next incident I would bring the subject up in a non confrontational manner. Like honey I've noticed something a few days ago and I'd like to know what it's about. Keeping in touch with exs are ok in my book if it's done in a respectful manner for all parties. I would not feel respected if my boyfriend took a call from an ex and went out the room, or if I saw her texting him 'I miss you'. She is seeking attention and he's providing it, he is feeding her hopes each time he picks up her calls or replies to her text. Maybe she is depressed about something or about their break up, it's still not his job to play psychologist to her, she has friends for that. It's not disrespectful of him to tell her that for a time they will not contact. That he is in a relationship now and they both need to put some distance between them. Being friends with an ex does not happen boom! like that. You first need space to mourn the relationship, if that process had not been done one doesn't really let go. This is kind of what I was thinking. Because I certainly don't want to be "on the lookout" every time his phone buzzes or lights up and internally be like IS THAT HER and then try to think of something quick to say to him about it. I'd rather just assess with him, openly, how I'm feeling based on what I've witnessed the last few times I was over. 1
katiegrl Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) Sorry, misuse of terms! Yes, they're divorced. Well that's better but the texting and "I miss you's" still indicate there are feelings there...and the fact he has NOT discouraged her from sending these texts..not to mention goes into another room to respond back...speaks volumes and indicates those feelings may be (and probably are) mutual. Pay attention to what you are witnessing. See it for what it actually IS and means instead of what you want it to be and mean. It's inappropriate, period and a huge red flag IMO. In fact for me personally, it would be a dealbreaker... But that's just me. I prefer to date and get involyvrd with men who are 100% into me and me only.... no secret texts from ex's or other girls allowed.. doesn't work for me. Edited February 17, 2015 by katiegrl
Author edelweiss Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Well that's better but the texting and "I miss you's" still indicate there are feelings there...and the fact he has NOT discouraged her from sending these texts..not to mention goes into another room to respond back...speaks volumes and indicates those feelings may be (and probably are) mutual. Pay attention to what you are witnessing. See it for what it actually IS and means instead of what you want it to be and mean. It's inappropriate, period and a huge red flag IMO. In fact for me personally, it would be a dealbreaker... But that's just me. I prefer to date and get involyvrd with men who are 100% into me and me only.... no secret texts from ex's or other girls allowed.. doesn't work for me. Hmm. This has given me something to think about. My last relationship was one of intense paranoia and suspicion on either end and I'd absolutely hate to have something like that again. Would rather take my feelings and affection elsewhere if I have to deal with that sort of thing...
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 OP You need to ask yourself if you trust your boyfriend. Then you need to ask yourself if there is any reason for you to believe it is more than just innocent texting/talking. In a healthy relationship you shouldn't have to worry about trusting your significant other, but trust is something you build over time. If you're having a hard time letting this go, I would casually bring it up with your boyfriend and see what he has to say about it.
Author edelweiss Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 OP You need to ask yourself if you trust your boyfriend. Then you need to ask yourself if there is any reason for you to believe it is more than just innocent texting/talking. In a healthy relationship you shouldn't have to worry about trusting your significant other, but trust is something you build over time. If you're having a hard time letting this go, I would casually bring it up with your boyfriend and see what he has to say about it. Yup! I trust him, and I don't believe that he is doing anything to illicit anything from her. I don't think he's responding in a way that compromises us either. I do think that he might not realize he's encouraging her by responding at all. That's a bit troublesome. However, I'd like to know whether or not she's actually contacting him with some frequency, because I'm sure if I asked him to ignore it/tell her to essentially bugger off, he would.
katiegrl Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) Yup! I trust him, and I don't believe that he is doing anything to illicit anything from her. I don't think he's responding in a way that compromises us either. I do think that he might not realize he's encouraging her by responding at all. That's a bit troublesome. However, I'd like to know whether or not she's actually contacting him with some frequency, because I'm sure if I asked him to ignore it/tell her to essentially bugger off, he would. Why do you think he needs to go into another room then...when he responds back? What is he hiding? Why isn't he telling her "Xxxx, I am in a relationship now and it's not appropriate for you to be sending me these types of texts. I am happy to remain friends but nothing more.". Or something to that effect. The fact that she continues texting and that he continues to promptly answer back, and goes into another room to do so....while with YOU...speaks volumes! Please don't ignore that. Ask him how he would feel if you did that to him. It's disrespectful to you..and hurtful! And I disagree with you that by continuing to do this, he is not compromising his relationship with you. He most definitely IS compromising his relationship wiith you, unless you choose to ignore it, justify it or whatevs, which would be a huge mistake IMO Again, pay attention to what you are actually seeing and not want you "want" to be seeing. Edited February 17, 2015 by katiegrl
Recommended Posts