rollercoaster11 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) I have been in this relationship off and on...more off than on. We met at work and he was just my co-worker but he moved up as a supervisor anyway as most jobs go we aren't allowed to date on the job. We tried to spend as much time together but it stopped after awhile. We loved each other I thought. I saw that things were not going anywhere so I ended it. I tried telling him how I felt but he said that I think too much and i admit i have that tendency but i was so unhappy and alone. I let go but it didn't seem to bother him. I have been depressed since that day. I wanted him to not accept it so easily but he did. I ended things so why do i feel like the dumpee instead of the dumper? Edited February 3, 2015 by rollercoaster11 title should say dumper and dumpee
EmEden Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 If you feel this way it may be because you are expecting an emotional response from him, which isn't good. You dumped him, didn't get the answer you wanted, now you're feeling double out. Why? Probably because deep down you know it won't work out, but you want to try and fix it. It's a common thing to experience... I think you should ask him where he sees this going, if you haven't already. And prepare yourself for the responses. He will either 1) want to commit and work with you, in which case you need to calm down emotionally before proceeding. You're obviously a bit hurt/confused, so don't bring that hurt into it. Give it time, and when you are ready, try again. Or he will 2) end it, remember, you're either in or you're out. No wishy washy "maybes". In this case, you'll really have to show emotional strength, be like thank you for the time, let's still be friends. And do the no contact rule until you are ready to be happy again on your own! You may have great chemistry, but if both of you are not on the same page as to where the relationship is going, go separate ways on good terms. Maybe later you'll reconnect, maybe later you'll find someone else.. the future has no ultimatums, but right now you need to figure out what he wants, and most importantly, what you want.
Light Breeze Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I wanted him to not accept it so easily but he did. I ended things so why do i feel like the dumpee instead of the dumper? My guess? It was because you were way more invested in the relationship than he was, and sorry if I'm mistaken, but I think you actually thought that he would fight for you and stop the break up.
Ieris Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I don't get it. You're the one who ended things with him, so what do you want from him exactly?
mightycpa Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 You feel like the dumpee because you were emotionally dumped long before you made it official. 1
Author rollercoaster11 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 I have been wanting to text my ex so badly. I miss him so much. Its funny because I ended things..I felt that we were drifting apart. I didn't feel like I had any other choice I got tired of being up one moment to down the next. I feel now that I expected too much from him instead of staying busy and doing things on my own..I just wanted to spend time with him because our schedules were so off. I thought that he wasn't trying and I was always initiating our time together...Im a female and I believe that men are supposed to pursue us. Anyway I guess Im starting to regret my decision to have ended things. I don't know..Im so confused. I still love him very much. I want to contact him but afraid of rejection and hating myself afterwards. Please help!!!
Diezel Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 staying busy and doing things on my own!! Take your own advice.
Author rollercoaster11 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Take your own advice. Some times we are our own worst enemies...if only it was that easy. Thanks
mammasita Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Well if you didn't voice your unhappiness and try to come to some sort of schedule that works for the both of you before you called it quits, then you did make a mistake IMO. Men aren't mindreaders nor necessarily supposed to always be chasers. 1
Ralph79 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I have been wanting to text my ex so badly. I miss him so much. Its funny because I ended things..I felt that we were drifting apart. I didn't feel like I had any other choice I got tired of being up one moment to down the next. I feel now that I expected too much from him instead of staying busy and doing things on my own..I just wanted to spend time with him because our schedules were so off. I thought that he wasn't trying and I was always initiating our time together...Im a female and I believe that men are supposed to pursue us. Anyway I guess Im starting to regret my decision to have ended things. I don't know..Im so confused. I still love him very much. I want to contact him but afraid of rejection and hating myself afterwards. Please help!!! Look at things from a logical standpoint. 1. He's your boss now. A relationship in the workplace although not necessarily futile, is never easy. And if you were unhappy to begin with, you are setting yourself up for more problems by going back to being with your boss. 2. You never felt fulfilled in that relationship. The fact that you miss him, isn't going to change that. Even if you lower your expectations. Why would you want to go back to a mediocre relationship when you finally had the courage to find a better match. 3. You don't have friends and you admit you made him the center of your life. I think you REALLY need to work on addressing some very serious inner struggles you are going through. Keep going to the gym. Meet more friends. Take this opportunity to see what other qualities exist in people. What is keeping you from meeting new people? What is keeping you from working on finding inner-happiness? This guy will simply by an aspirin on the headache that is your life. Fix the root of the problem. Don't put a band-aid on it.
BrandonWard Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I have been wanting to text my ex so badly. I miss him so much. Its funny because I ended things..I felt that we were drifting apart. I didn't feel like I had any other choice I got tired of being up one moment to down the next. I feel now that I expected too much from him instead of staying busy and doing things on my own..I just wanted to spend time with him because our schedules were so off. I thought that he wasn't trying and I was always initiating our time together...Im a female and I believe that men are supposed to pursue us. Anyway I guess Im starting to regret my decision to have ended things. I don't know..Im so confused. I still love him very much. I want to contact him but afraid of rejection and hating myself afterwards. Please help!!! Many people here will tell you to move on and find something better, But many will tell you to follow you're heart and if you do love him, to make it work. I believe that in our day and age now, It is to easy to just give up and find someone else that can fill the void, They may be better, or they may be worse as a individual. Do you really want to look back and think to yourself " What if" Looking for answers on the internet is like playing hide and seek in the dark, You can look forever and never find the answer you're looking for. Every relationship is different, and every relationship needs to be fixed different. Alot of times in life, relationships need to have a "break" or a "break up" to see what you truly want. My honest opinion is to give it another chance, Maybe he's a better person now? Maybe he want's to make it work? Dont give up on somthing you love, as it's to easy to just walk away, It's less effort, human nature. You said you left him, That means he does love you, Maybe he didn't realise what he had until you left? Or took you for granted, everyone does it in some form or another. GIVE IT A SHOT. Worst thing that can happen is if he says no.
Diezel Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Some times we are our own worst enemies...if only it was that easy. Thanks It is. Hell, I'll break it down for you: (1) Stay busy - Do hobbies, Meetup, sports, films, TV, walks, gym, etc... (2) Sometimes do those things with friends, sometimes you do those things on your own. I think if you had someone else lined up, this thread wouldn't exist. You miss the relationship and the stability more than you miss him. There's a reason you ended the relationship. Don't be remiss to remember why. I have a feeling if you go back to it, you'll eventually end up at that point again.
mightycpa Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I got tired of being up one moment to down the next...I thought that he wasn't trying and I was always initiating our time together None of this will change if you get him back. It might at first, but they you'll start to see the same tendencies in him begin to crop up again. The best relationships are when both people pursue, not just one. Your tiger has already showed you his stripes. It's not about love now, it's about happiness. You left not because you didn't feel loved; you left because you weren't happy about the way you were loved.
BrandonWard Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I read all these people's remarks, and they're all the same. "Don't give it another shot" "It'll be the same" "It's not about if you love him" These people sound like guy's/woman, who have had their heart's broken and the second chance never came for them. Life is about experiences, taking risks. People who say people cant change, or it'll be the same are just plain wrong. Yes it'll be the same "IF" the guy you want back "MAKES" it the same as it was, Or "YOU" Give into the same treatment you felt you had before. Only you both can change it if you want it to work. I know alot of people that have had second chances, and many that dont. They all end up differently. Noone can ever know for sure, Do what you feel is right. 1
Ralph79 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 While I think a lot of people based their opinions on past experiences, some also take into account the OP's past posts: I saw that things were not going anywhere so I ended it. I tried telling him how I felt but he said that I think too much and i admit i have that tendency but i was so unhappy and alone. It's better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel lonely. I let go but it didn't seem to bother him. I have been depressed since that day. Apparently the guy is unaffected by this breakup. I was in this relationship and he made me feel beautiful and loved especially after coming out of two failed marriages. When its all over you are left feeling so lost and alone and irrelevant. I have never been alone long and don't know what to do with myself but cry and lay around whenever In not working. Only positive things I've found about the OP's eX. But she has had difficulties with relationships in the past and I really think she needs to address these insecurities before attempting to get back with someone she wasn't entirely happy with at the end. Some days I have this burst of confidence and within seconds its gone. Im tired of the yoyo feelings that I have. I just want to be happy again and want to be that way without having to jump back into another relationship..... Apparently she agrees with that my last sentiment. I am a loner and I did make this person the center of my life...he made things so exciting for awhile. This is the main reason why I would suggest she hold back until she focuses on herself first. I think this is a very unbiased opinion shared by others. By not addressing your personal issues you are bound to repeat the mistakes that have led to your failed relationships in the past. You are in a vicious circle that only you can stop. But yes this is my opinion, based solely on what you have posted throughout your 17+ posts.
mightycpa Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I read all these people's remarks, and they're all the same. "Don't give it another shot" "It'll be the same" "It's not about if you love him" These people sound like guy's/woman, who have had their heart's broken and the second chance never came for them. Life is about experiences, taking risks. People who say people cant change, or it'll be the same are just plain wrong. Yes it'll be the same "IF" the guy you want back "MAKES" it the same as it was, Or "YOU" Give into the same treatment you felt you had before. Only you both can change it if you want it to work. I know alot of people that have had second chances, and many that dont. They all end up differently. Noone can ever know for sure, Do what you feel is right. <sigh> "Know" as in know the future with certainty? or "Know" as in 99 times out of a hundred we know? You are technically correct. I'm not 100% certain the sun will rise tomorrow. Even if I deposit a check in my bank, I can't know with certainty that it will get deposited in my account...it might get lost. Stranger things have happened. But I can pretty much count on the sun rising, and I can pretty much count on that check showing up too, because that's the way things work on planet earth. I can pretty much tell you that one-way street attempts at reconciliation will ultimately end in failure. He's not knocking down her door, confessing to the mistakes she's identified. There is absolutely no indication that he... how did you put it? WANTS to change. And even if he did, he's not proven himself capable of said change. And as to me? I had my heart broken, sure. But it didn't stop me from moving FORWARD with other people. I never went back because back had already failed once. It had proven itself insufficient and unworthy of a second chance. I changed for the better, and I met up with people who also changed for the better because of their experiences. I did it several times, always moving FORWARD, not backwards. You talk about risk? The big risk is venturing FORWARD into the unknown, not hanging around looking for a second chance to make the same mistakes over and over again. I respect your right to have an opinion, but this time, your opinion is more than likely wrong. Read through these forums for all the happy stories about second chances and living happily ever after. Not only are they rare, but they are like breakup stories... they have common elements running through them, like they are variations on a single, basic story. This means they are highly predictable.
Author rollercoaster11 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 All of you were right. I did tell my ex my feelings...he kind of dismissed them...by saying that I think too much but I was not happy. Its like he was giving up and putting me on the shelf. I was trying my best to hold on because we had our obstacles but I waited because we were worth it but I couldn't hold on or fight by myself so the day I ended things really broke my heart and I thought that he would tell me to not give up but he made it my choice and I just walked away. I did try and feel like one day we may find our way back to each other but until then I will work on myself inside and out. You all are great. Thanks for talking me down.
Frogwife Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 <sigh> "Know" as in know the future with certainty? or "Know" as in 99 times out of a hundred we know? You are technically correct. I'm not 100% certain the sun will rise tomorrow. Even if I deposit a check in my bank, I can't know with certainty that it will get deposited in my account...it might get lost. Stranger things have happened. ************** I respect your right to have an opinion, but this time, your opinion is more than likely wrong. Read through these forums for all the happy stories about second chances and living happily ever after. Not only are they rare, but they are like breakup stories... they have common elements running through them, like they are variations on a single, basic story. This means they are highly predictable. These happy stories are "rare" because the dating/relationship/second chances/breaking up stories on this forum are from broken, sad people - that is why there is nothing happy in that regard... by and large, happy, healthy people do not come here and start threads about how happy they are... we only hear about the painful stories. There is a great thread on ETA called "Getting Back Together Really Does Happen" and it's full of 100s of reconciliation stories - I know many in my own life... and YES, LOTS of break ups that happen where there is no reconciliation. The thing is WE JUST NEVER KNOW... there is absolutely no way to predict if a couple will reconcile. Some couples reconcile weeks, months, years later....some never do... my FIRST boyfriend STILL emails me wanting me back! 25 years after we broke up. These forums are interesting, especially when you are in the throes of a fresh pain with dating, divorce, breakups, etc... but there is no axiom for what is 100% true or not... what happens for one person may or may not happen for another. I'm 46 -I've had many short-terms relationships, several long-term relationships (five-year dating, 12-year dating, 7-year marriage and just ended a 14-month live-in relationship six months ago)... I've had a lot of experience and each one is different and each breakup is different... each person was different, each emotion was different... To say things are "rare" or "all the same" based on the very homogeneous (broken, angry, brokenhearted) sample on these forums just isn't true in real life. The thing is - we just don't know what will happen in the future! We don't know what is going on in people's heads, we don't know the motivations dumper or dumpee. I've been the dumper in all but one of my relationships and it was very painful to leave and I had a lot of love and regrets and threw out lots of what would be called "breadcrumbs" (and thereby, ignored by people here) because *I* was unsure of how my dumpee felt and wanted to test the waters. If my dumpee had been waiting for me to stand in front of his house with a boombox over my head, professing my undying love and devotion, "I missed you, I made a mistake" as my first words, well, they would have missed my overture. I was also a dumpee and who asked for, and got back, my dumper but the reconciliation only lasted a few months because *I* didn't change my bad behavior that caused him to dump me in the first place. I had the chance and I blew it - my dumper wasn't an awful person - he was someone who loved me deeply but couldn't tolerate my bad behavior towards him. If people follow these hard and fast No contact, don't accept breadcrumbs, never contact the dumper, blah blah blah - they couldn't be missing out on a second chance... but the success comes in the TWO parties being willing to work on and address the issues that caused the breakup in the first place. This last breakup for me was INCREDIBLY painful - I'd never been dumped before and I feel a lot of regret for treating someone who was so kind and loving to me so poorly and now I have to deal with the consequence. I miss him EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don't contact him, because he's not interested in contact, but I have used this time to REALLY work on myself (psychologically) and to SIT with the pain - not distract myself with activities, other men, etc. but to feel the pain. I work with a psychologist (EMDR therapy, if anyone is familiar with that) and take medication for anxiety and depression. It is been a really horrible, sad, lonely time...but time and reflection make it better every day. So I a not here to threadjack - But my point is: Some things are fixable, others are not, but we do have to take (calculated) risks in life - if you resign yourself to never, ever, ever putting yourself out there, never risk pain and heartache, you will *still* be heartbroken. There are no guarantees in life - I would rather take a risk for a second chance and be wrong and move on than not try and spend my life wondering. We can hypothesize until the cows come home... but we just don't know...
Stercrazy Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 The boom box idea only works if you're playing "In your eyes". Lol. 1
Stercrazy Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 However.....a breakup is a chance to reflect on everything. And IF someone wants to reconcile and the other person is receptive...it can't be "I miss you...you miss me.....let's get back together". There needs to be dialogue and how the couple got to where the breakup happened.....why it happened....what would have to change for each person...and whether or not those changes (through understanding of the SO) are realistic. Anything impulsive won't work. I love you doesn't work. Understanding of a persons needs through EMPATHY might work IF a person is willing to work for the relationship. In some of my relationships I have had the other person tell me how wonder I am and how great we are together when things are going well. I appreciate that but I usually follow up with some like " don't tell me how great things are when things are going well. Tell me how great things are when it's NOT going well". I believe that's the good stuff in a relationship. Communication and understanding during the turbulence. 1
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