Mallie Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 My boyfriend of almost 8 years left me they day after he met another girl. he told me he wasn't leaving me for her but I knew he wasn't being totally honest. Our relationship was not the greatest but I never felt he was going to leave and than suddenly after he met this girl he breaks up with me. Today I checked his emails(I know bad) and there was an email that looks like he will be spending the weekend with another girl(I assume her). I hate the fact that he is probably with this girl and I was wondering if these relationship usually last from your experiences. Also how do I stop myself from checking his emails???? I know that all it is going to do is hurt me but it isn't like I can ask him to change his password. If you guys have any answers/advice for either question, Please let me know...Thanks:)
Omalley92 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 You have to force yourself, challenge your mind to be stronger than checking his Mails or Profiles or whatever. It's all part of NC. You're just going to hurt yourself. I struggle with it as well, I tend to have the urge to check my Ex' Profile oder Whatsapp Picture or whatever quite regularly just to find out how she is and whether or not there is someone new in the picture already. But any time I saw something new it shook my world, I felt upside down. I figured maybe it'll help me get over her when I see that she is clearly over me. That's not the case. I didn't give me any more closure, all it did was to hurt me more. It's in your hand. The urge is there and the opportunity. But don't let it get ahold of you no matter how difficult it is. You're going to feel better one day if you truly stick to NC.
Zahara Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 My boyfriend of almost 8 years left me they day after he met another girl. he told me he wasn't leaving me for her but I knew he wasn't being totally honest. Our relationship was not the greatest but I never felt he was going to leave and than suddenly after he met this girl he breaks up with me. Today I checked his emails(I know bad) and there was an email that looks like he will be spending the weekend with another girl(I assume her). I hate the fact that he is probably with this girl and I was wondering if these relationship usually last from your experiences. Also how do I stop myself from checking his emails???? I know that all it is going to do is hurt me but it isn't like I can ask him to change his password. If you guys have any answers/advice for either question, Please let me know...Thanks:) It's hard to believe that he left the day after he met this girl. It was probably going on for awhile without you knowing. What you can do with the email is change/forgot password. He will try and log in and when he can't he'll change the password again.
central Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 He may have already known her, but it's also possible that upon meeting her he realized that you were not right for him - whether or not she is/was. Either way, he was already having doubts about you or he would not have left.
Ieris Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 @Mallie ~ You can change his password and when he can't sign in, it should prompt him to reset his password. He'll put in a new password then you wont be able to access his emails anymore. (I always forget my passwords so I know). > Do they usually stay with the person that they left you for? Often they are on the rebound so it doesn't last but there times that they do stay together so don't stick around praying they would break up. Put yourself first and keep moving forward, if he wants you back he will chase after you so no need to sit around waiting. If it's meant to be let them catch up to you in their own time x
Diezel Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 You are asking the wrong question. But if this is really the question you want an answer to, here's the answer: It shouldn't matter whether they are going to last or not. Make your own life without him. 2
PegNosePete Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Look, you need to forget about this. What does it matter to your life, whether your ex is still with her or not? It means absolutely nothing to you whatsoever. It is a symptom of your obsession and continual attachment to him. You need to go NC to get over him. Obsessing about whether they are still together or not will not help. Also how do I stop myself from checking his emails???? Go to https://www.random.org/passwords generate a 20 digit password, double click one of the passwords to highlight it, select "copy". Go to his email, choose change password, select "paste". Close the browser. 1
marimari Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, there is no rule. In my case, if it that can help you, the girl who he left me for, dumped him for his friend. Karma is always there near. I know it is hard, and your mind is in a mess, but you should try not to think about them, just move forward and make your own life. 2
mightycpa Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Usually not. The younger you are, the less likely you are to stay with someone forever. After a LD relationship, people might try to jump right back into another, but what are the chances that you'll find a compatible match after dating only a handful of people? Even if someone gets married, if they do it too early, they have problems over time. A spouse will cheat, or want a divorce. The same problems crop up, only it is more difficult because you're legally bound. So forget about your fear that he left you, and the next thing that will happen is that he found Ms. Right. It probably didn't happen. Even if it does, then you have to consider that she was Ms. Right, and you weren't. Even if you love someone, why would you want to be with them for the rest of your life if they are fundamentally incompatible? Why would you not wish the person you love every happiness in the world, including being with Ms. Right? Why are you apart if at least one of you thinks that you're fundamentally incompatible? One of the hardest things to do coming out of a relationship is to stop lying to yourself. It is more difficult than you'd think, but making up and clinging to fantasy is a common reaction. Your mind bends reality to match what your heart blindly wants to believe. If you're aware of this, it is easier to stop and to heal. You have to be able to recognize these unrealistic thoughts and banish them, and replace them with rational thoughts that are grounded in reality. It won't be easy, but you have to do it. You have to start thinking like an individual again, not like some discarded part of the perfect relationship. 1
minimariah Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Go to https://www.random.org/passwords generate a 20 digit password, double click one of the passwords to highlight it, select "copy". Go to his email, choose change password, select "paste". Close the browser. this is such a great advice.
geronimo Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I can't tell you if they come back or not because I'm going through the same thing (5 year relationship) she left me, used an excuse and is dating a guy she recently got closer with. Everyone on here is right, highly doubt they just met, it could be same as my situation where they recently got closer and therefore your ex left you for her. Also, I became the psycho ex bf where I would go on her email/fb, I ended up confessing to fb early on in our breakup and she changed the password but her email password I still know to this day. Worst part is, when she made this email account she linked it to mine as a security thing and I get email notifications anytime she tries to change security settings or w/e on her email account. The advice on here to change the password is great, you should do it, but ultimately it has to come down to the fact that you have to accept its over and anything you find on there is just going to hurt you more. Thats the reason why I haven't touched her email for over a month now and will never do it again because I don't want to know whats going on, its just going to hurt me more and its not going to accomplish anything or make my life better, even if i see on there that she broke up with her new bf because ultimately it comes down to the fact that your ex has to be willing and have the right reasons to come back to you, you shouldn't have to pursue them after a long term relationship. They know who you are inside and out and the way i look at it is, i was a great bf to her and even after all that she is willing to give up our good long term relationship up and go onto someone else, that is completely her loss, and most likely it won't work with this other guy but it doesnt matter because it no longer affects me. Time will heal, I'm almost 3 months into the breakup and it has gotten alot better than before. I'm not going to lie and say everything is perfect and im the happiest man alive and i dont want her back, because those are all lies. I still have little hope that she comes back one day but I'm trying not to think about that and focus on myself instead. You should do the same.
ZiggyZoo Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) Every relationship is different, of course, but here's what happened in my very similar situation... My ex-husband of seven years (and three kids together) left me for another woman. This was August 2012, and they were living together by December of that year. I filed for divorce, it was final September of the next year, and they got married that following December. Fast forward to this last January, and I find out from him that they're divorcing. So it lasted what, two years? AND, he's already got another girl staying the night over there, and who met our daughters the same day he and his recent ex told them that they had gotten divorced. Classy, right? The best part of this is that by now I couldn't care less. I actually even felt bad for the other woman/recent ex because I'm sure he cheated on her too, and I know how much that hurts. Karma though, right? And you'll get to this point too, where you will look at him and wonder what you ever saw in him. And it won't matter who he's with, you'll just be glad it isn't you anymore. But trust me, I fought it so hard in the beginning. I look back now and just cringe at some of the stuff I pulled. Begging, crying, threatening...terrible. I finally got a good therapist who advocated LC, and that's what did the trick. I think somehow the fact that he WAS with someone else helped. I wasn't in the denial stage for very long, that's for sure. So, hang in there. And absolutely change his dang password! Just shut him out of your life, and assume he's gone for good. You'll get over this, and maybe even decide to give it another try. But like everyone says, your heart needs to be healed from this breakup, so you can think objectively and really decide what's best for you moving forward. ETA: The reason I went LC instead of NC was because we have children together, of course. NC is the best for you. Edited February 17, 2015 by ZiggyZoo clarification
Author Mallie Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Thank you guys for the responses. I am 99% sure he just met her the night before because he was ALWAYS with me outside of work. I think it was just that our relationship wasn't doing well but he wasn't going to leave until he met her. it was like he saw something we were lacking with her. I don't know if I even want him back, I just don't want him with her because that whole thing really hurt me. I am obviously not over him but most the time I do ok. I was actually feeling good this morning and I don't know why I went and checked his email. It is a good idea to change his password but I am also worried if I do that he will figure it out. I am going to try and not look anymore and if I can't do it, I will changed his password. I want to do total NC but I am doing LC because he still has to get his thing from my apartment and we still have to figure out who gets what.
Kevin_D Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I don't think it really matters that the relationship wasn't going so well. After 8 years, you should be able to discuss the situation, try couples therapy and so on. However, your situation is not unique. I experienced it and so did many other people on this forum. Some call it GIGS, other call it "The 7-year itch". I think the problem is that some people tend to build up unrealistic expectations in the beginning of a new relationship. They are convinced that they have found their soul mate and that they will always feel this way. The years passes and things eventually become boring and stale. The tell themselves that they could do better, but they have no good reason to leave, so they sabotage the relationship by picking fights (some people are really good at this and will actually make you believe that YOU are responsible for the drama). I thought a lot about this and how they can move on so fast. I believe that they manage to replace you, not only physically but mentally as well*. It's like they try to keep the old relationship going with a new exciting person. And naturally, it seldom ends very well. I think most of these dumpers are to stubborn to ever admit that they made a mistake. Instead, they will keep jumping from relationship to relationship, searching for "the one". *Even as a dumpee, I've experienced this. I tend to introduce things that me and my ex did together to my new girlfriend, probably to fill they void. While it probably be healthier to only experience new things together, it feels good that some things are what they used to be, even though I share them with a different person now. However, the new person will never be able to completely fill the void, and I guess that's why many exes want to come back after the attraction with new partner wears off. 1
Kinetica84 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Do they stay together? I guess that can depend on the neediness of your ex and their ability to function alone. Either way don't focus on it. As for the email thing you just have to stop. I've not looked at any accounts of my ex since we split and blocked all forms of communication. It's double hard for me because I do know a bit of hacking but I have zero interest in snooping around. It will just feed my anxiety.
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