nicegirl619 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) I have been in my first relationship for over 4 years now. The first 2 years were great, it was so great even without sex in our relationship. He respected me when I told him I was a virgin and I wasn't ready to do it with him. After over 2 years, I finally gave in because I felt that he loves me and he respects me, in short, he gained my trust. Last year, he started being cold, basically, he doesn't text or call or want to see me as much. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said "Something is missing" and that he just can't figure it out. He said he loves me still and wants to stay and work things out and so we did. Things have been better, until recently, he started acting the same way he did last year. I tried to just ignore it and let him be, I figured it's been over 4 years of relationship and that he's entitled to feel how he's feeling. My friends tell me that I shouldn't be with him because I'm too good for him and that I have so much more to offer, but I really don't care about that. I don't care if I'm too good for him in so many ways. He lacks motivation, he just wants to stay home and game and when I try to do plan something, he's too tired to do things and I tried to understand all that. I am the type of person who doesn't like drama, I let people do what makes them happy even if in the process, it's hurting me..As my friends would tell me, I'm way too nice. I didn't mind about what other people say, I didn't care when people tell me I can do so much better than him, when people ask me why I'm with him. Truth is that, he's the only person who successfully gained my trust. I have never wanted to be in relationships in fear that I would get hurt. I have never been in relationship till I was 30 yrs old so I'm not an expert on this. Last night, we had a talk and he said the same thing "Something is missing" that he can't figure out what it is. It's hard to decipher a problem if you don't know what the problem is. I have told him that I am ready to let him go if he is unhappy. He said its not that he is unhappy, he feels something is missing in our relationship. I honestly don't know what to do, I'm so confused. I am smart and good at handling things with my career but I'm a sucker when it comes to dealing w/ my personal issues. I love him so much and if it were up to me, I want him to be my first and last but I won't let myself be selfish. I know I have to let him go but he said it's not what he wants.. I don't know what to do. Please help me. I feel that if I tell my friends about this, one, they would be mad and tell me to leave him. Second, their opinion will be biased because I am their friend. I need someone who doesn't personally know me and my bf to give us their humble advice. I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much in advance. Edited February 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
lucy_in_disguise Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Are you married? If not... be the bigger person and break up for him. He's taking you for granted and his inability to communicate his issues is not fair to you at all. If he hasnt proposed in 4 years and is having doubts now i dont see this ending happily. If you leave chances are he will regret it but it will take time and personal growth for you to have a shot at a sustainable future. 1
Author nicegirl619 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 No, we aren't married. We have not talked about marriage. I guess it's something we both don't believe in. I do feel that I need to breakup with him even though he says it's not what he wants. I feel that he feels comfortable having me around. I feel that he's with me because I'm loyal to him, that's something he's never had in his past relationships. I do know that being loyal to him shouldn't be the reason why he stays with me. I love the guy so much and Idk how I will handle a breakup, something that I never have or had to deal with. This is the very reason why I never wanted to be in relationship and still I ended up in one
loveboid Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I recommend couples counseling. It'll give you both help problem solving this. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I honestly don't know what to do, I'm so confused. I am smart and good at handling things with my career but I'm a sucker when it comes to dealing w/ my personal issues. I love him so much and if it were up to me, I want him to be my first and last but I won't let myself be selfish. I know I have to let him go but he said it's not what he wants.. I don't know what to do. In one sense, I think relationships are like people in that they reach a point in their timeline I'd call "Is that all there is?" Without growth - marriage, children, home, etc - you can only hang out and watch him game like 18 yr olds for so long. And if none of the above are for you, you have to determine your own growth markers or there can indeed be "something missing". Most relationships follow a path, your post doesn't give much sense of yours... Mr. Lucky
Author nicegirl619 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Thank you for the advice. It's good to hear other people's perspective on this. It just confirms that what I have to is the right thing to do. I've always known what's the best approach on our relationship, I guess its the pain and hurt that I have been avoiding but in this case, it's inevitable :(
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Unfortunately, imo "something is missing" means I want to break up with you but I don't want to hurt your feelings so I'm going to be cold to you until you can't take any more & dump me. Sorry. Listen to your friends. When 1 friend doesn't like your SO, it's a personality thing. When they all say he's bad for you, listen 4
Author nicegirl619 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 I am so torn right now. When I was about to have a "talk" with him last night. He called me first and said he wanted to have dinner. I told him that it may not be a good idea for us to see each other as I was giving him sometime alone to think about things. He said it's just dinner. So, we did and had fun as if there's nothing going on w/ our issues. Then, we watched movie as well. I had a great time and he said he did too. I told him he can talk to me about anything that bothers him and he did brought up some points. He said he's got some insecurities in him because he has a hot gf with good career and he feels inferior at times. I told him I have never once made him feel that he is. He said he doesn't like it when I dress sexy and gets attention etc.. I told him the only time I do is when I go out with him and he knows I'm very loyal to him. I am just confused at this point if I should give our relationship a chance or just move on. I love the guy but I feel like when he gets into his insecurities mode, he blames it on me or the relationship and says something is missing. idk, I'm so torn...
BluEyeL Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I really think you should move on, OR try couples counseling. You don't even live together after 4 years?
HereTodayGoneTomorow Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Most people only value relationships when they lose the person..
mightycpa Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I love him so much and if it were up to me, I want him to be my first and last What's missing is the part where he loves you so much and if it were up to him, he would want you to be his first and last. That's what's missing.
Author nicegirl619 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 No, we don't live together. We spend the night at each other's place now and then but we never lived together. We planned on moving in this year but idk if that's a good idea at this point.. I love him and I want to give our relationship a chance but I'm afraid I'd wake up one day with him saying "something is missing" again..
preraph Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 What's "missing" is he's not doing anything to merit having any self-respect. He's a do-nothing and he knows it and no one like that is ever happy and content. They're always missing something but not enough to make them get up off their asses and do something about it. In order for someone to maintain their self-esteem, you have to do things and accomplish things so they can say, I did that. Instead, he's just unplugged. 1
Author nicegirl619 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 What's "missing" is he's not doing anything to merit having any self-respect. He's a do-nothing and he knows it and no one like that is ever happy and content. They're always missing something but not enough to make them get up off their asses and do something about it. In order for someone to maintain their self-esteem, you have to do things and accomplish things so they can say, I did that. Instead, he's just unplugged. Thank you so much guys for hearing my vent and sharing your opinions. It means a lot and I'm grateful. To "preraph" everything you said is something that some of my friends have told me and you're words just confirm that they may actually be right. He just sent me message right now saying he wants to work this through and that he's been feeling strange and kept it all to himself. In some ways, I feel somehow responsible because I never pushed him to be motivated and talk to me. I'm very accepting of how people are and don't try to change them because I believe that people should try to change for themselves and not for someone else. Perhaps I need to be less nicer and push him more, idk if I can do that because it's just not my personality. I'm undecisive and torn about making a decision...
Adele0908 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 You seem like a religious/spiritual person...due to you holding on to your virginity and whatnot...So I assume you believe in a higher power. I really think you should pray about this situation, and ask to learn the reason why this relationship isn't working out. When you ask, you receive. It's hard to guage from the outside because I'm not in your shoes. But I do have an opinion on what I think "is missing". There's no lust or desire present in the relationship. You probably have spent so many years suppressing your libido and sex drive, by probably avoiding men in some way, that you can't express your raw sex drive with him. Proof of this is found where you say that you don't trust him, question him, and spend a lot of time analyzing the relationship. So if you're in your head a lot, how can you feel raw passion and attraction? He might just want to feel some real passionate desire for him and his body. He might want your full surrender. It's actually really sexy.
Ebelskiver Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 What's missing in this relationship is a backbone.....yours. You let him be his unmotivated, boring self, even though it bothers you, and he is finally getting bored of himself as well. Relationships thrive on shared experiences and adventures, this is scientific fact. If you want to liven up the atmosphere go DO things together. Build memories.
anika99 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 This guy sounds like a doufus. He sits around the house playing games and then whines about something missing? So I guess he expects an amazing relationship without being expected to contribute anything? What an ass. What's missing is his participation and his not participating is by his choice. Then when you ask him why he subtly turns it around on you and sort implies that it's your fault because you are attractive and have a great career. This is the type of man who will slowly erode your self esteem and use subtle passive aggressive tactics to tear you down, because he is jealous and threatened by you. I'm guessing you had to give him some extra assurance and ego strokes last night to make him feel better about treating you like a jerk. Does he even care about your feelings? Does it matter to him that you have needs and that he hurts you when he goes cold? I don't see this turning into a happy relationship for you. He sounds lazy and self absorbed. What kind of future do you see with him? Even if you don't believe in marriage what kind of partnership do you picture yourself having? Do you want kids? Travel? a house? Can you picture this guy ever being able to contribute to those things? I can't. Most people don't stay with their first love forever and it is painful to let our first love go but the pain isn't forever, it's just temporary. Once you get away from this person you may find yourself having a lot of fun rising to new challenges and chasing new adventures and you just might find yourself getting over him a lot faster than you ever dreamed you could have.
Versacehottie Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 in all honesty, he sounds slightly depressed, stuck and lost. I think that he's transferring that overall feeling (in himself) to his relationship. Sometimes when people are stuck like this they blame the feeling they have on the closest people to them. Fairly or unfairly they just can't pinpoint the source of their discomfort and unease but don't quite have the motivation to figure out exactly what it is or fix it. I was gonna say this before I read that it sounds like he is coming around to this sort of conclusion himself. The hard part is unless he gets hit with a wave of energy and motivation to make changes quick it will probably be quite a struggle to turn his life into something different, especially without your relationship taking some major hits along the way--that it may not survive and may just be wasted time. I think you should do a little research on people that game a lot, can be linked to depression and lack of motivation and very hard to break. Anyway, why would you want to stick around for that??? I would take a break and see if that's motivating to him. Also agree that if ALL of your friends don't like him then they are probably picking up on something that shouldn't be ignored. Even if he is not undateable, it sounds like you are at way different stages in life and may not ever sync up. Good luck
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I am so torn right now. When I was about to have a "talk" with him last night. He called me first and said he wanted to have dinner. I told him that it may not be a good idea for us to see each other as I was giving him sometime alone to think about things. He said it's just dinner. So, we did and had fun as if there's nothing going on w/ our issues. Then, we watched movie as well. I had a great time and he said he did too. I told him he can talk to me about anything that bothers him and he did brought up some points. He said he's got some insecurities in him because he has a hot gf with good career and he feels inferior at times. I told him I have never once made him feel that he is. He said he doesn't like it when I dress sexy and gets attention etc.. I told him the only time I do is when I go out with him and he knows I'm very loyal to him. I am just confused at this point if I should give our relationship a chance or just move on. I love the guy but I feel like when he gets into his insecurities mode, he blames it on me or the relationship and says something is missing. idk, I'm so torn... Sadly, what is he saying is, he doesn't feel the passion for you that he should be feeling. He has been rejecting you, in and out of bed. It's put the blame on you because of the way you dress, you're hot and have a good career so it makes him feel inferior? Do you believe him? From what you've said about him so far and what he's told you doesn't add up. He would rather game and be lazy instead of taking you out to dinner more often or spending romantic evenings in bed with you. Instead of bringing out the best in each other it's brought out insecurities in him and sadness in you. You are a gem, loyal, loving and giving. Instead of ending it, maybe taking a real break to think and have time apart to see how life is...Maybe the passion can be brought back, maybe figure out what it is he feels is missing.
Standard-Fare Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 It's obnoxious to whine that "Something is missing" without being able to point to concrete problems. It's not really fair, because it doesn't give you the opportunity to help work on solutions. It's basically just saying: "I want you to know I'm kinda unhappy. And no, you can't change that." It seems like the relationship has hit a point of boredom and malaise where there's no progress, growth, excitement. You two aren't trying new things together or stretching yourselves. You aren't challenging him to be a better/more interesting man and break out of his lazy routines. I'm not saying that's your job at all, but maybe deep down that's more of the type of woman he needs. If you do want to stay with him, I'd suggest that you guys shake things up a bit. Plan a long road trip, or a trip to a new country. Try a new activity together, like rock-climbing or scuba or surfing. Something like that. See how you respond to each other in new environments.
J21 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I think "what's missing" is him having a career and self esteem. I think it was a poor choice of words saying the relationship was missing something rather than putting it on him. Nobody likes admitting fault, so give him some slack there (not too much slack though). He needs to find a career and hit the gym. The lack of a career makes him feel inferior in a social and financial aspect. The lack of self esteem makes him dislike you dressing sexy (fear of getting attention of other men I presume). 4 years is a long time, give it a honest shot in repairing it before letting it go. Once you let it go, it's likely gone forever. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I agree. What's missing is from his own life, not your relationship. He's doing nothing & going no where while you have your act together. His self esteem is in the toilet but he's trying to convince both of you that somehow the problems in the relationship are your fault. They aren't. He will feel better & the missing element will be found when he starts to live an adult life. You can't do that for him & you are your own worse enemy if you settle for a man-child.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 OP, ask yourself if you think the relationship is worth saving. If yes, find out if he's willing to work through your issues - and takes it seriously. If not, dump him. Don't stay with someone who makes you miserable. Honestly it sounds like he has no ambition or motivation and his life is stuck in Neutral - that's pretty hard to salvage because he's the only one who can fix himself.
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