lovelylady Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 I’m going to miss him and I love him, but as I said to my mom last night – what am I really losing? I’m not losing someone who wanted to ravish me all the time. I’m not losing someone who wanted to spend a lot of time with me. I’m not losing someone who wrote me poetry, or who told me he loved me, or who gave me a flower or a little gift or even a card. I’m not losing someone who could say – or I guess who even thought, that I was their girlfriend. I’m not losing someone who made me dinner. I’m not losing someone who talked about a future with me. I’m not losing someone who wanted me to meet their family. I’m losing someone who accepted as much energy as I was willing to give as long as I didn’t expect anything in return or pressure him for a return. I’m losing someone who never told me that he loved me. I’m losing someone who seemed to not really want to be sexually intimate with me. I’m losing someone who could not, for whatever reason, be affectionate with me, or touch me, or hold me unless I made the move to touch him, or hold him first. I’m losing someone who always disappeared at the slightest pressure he felt from me – whether it was real or imagined. I’m losing someone who couldn’t call me his girlfriend. I’m losing someone who wouldn’t talk about a future with me. I’m losing someone who never talked about living with me or marrying me. As a non-Jew, I’m losing someone who’s Jewish. I’m losing someone who always wanted to talk about what he was dealing with and going through but hardly ever asked me what I was dealing with and going through. I’m losing someone who cheated me, even if he didn’t mean to. I’m losing someone who wouldn’t call me when he said he would. I’m losing someone who wouldn’t discuss me romantically with his family (though I am not sure of this, I am 99% positive of that being the case.) I’m losing someone who could not express his feelings for me. I’m losing someone who could not communicate effectively with me. I’m losing someone who saw me waiting and giving but could not step up to the plate. I’m losing someone that I waited over a year for. I’m losing someone who even at the the thought or reality of my moving away, still was unable to step up to the plate. I’m losing someone I loved, that I continually had to face, didn’t love me nearly as much, if at all. That’s what I lose. I lose feeling as though I’m losing every day. I lose a strong feeling I had daily of loss. I lose a daily, bitterly heartbreaking sadness. So instead of looking at all that I am losing, I have to look at all that I must be gaining.
Aguardiente83 Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Your not losing anything, in fact, you had nothing to lose inthe first place!
Author lovelylady Posted April 4, 2005 Author Posted April 4, 2005 I want to feel that. If I felt that, it would be much easier for me to say "no" when he's keeps saying "I know this hasn't been fair for you, I know you need more, but please leave the door open." Please leave the door open....he just kept saying he understood, but to please leave the door open.
Author lovelylady Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 "leave the door open" in other words, "waste the rest of your life on me."
Fallen_Angel Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 In that case, you're gaining your life back by getting rid of this guy. What could be better than that?!? Open the door to something better...I'm sure it will happen for you.
Author lovelylady Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 Thank you Fallen... I just got home from having a drink w/him. He wanted to discuss things...he wanted to get together....but then said to me that he couldn't deal w/discussing things...that he needed time to think about this more. I am helping him move out of a house tomorrow. Being there for him...yet again. And now says he wants to drive cross-country w/me on my move. take two weeks and drive cross-country. why. why is he doing this. i have to remind myself of all the ways in which my needs are not being met. I have to remind myself of all the ways in which i gave which he wouldn't (and i realize perhaps couldn't) I really have to move on from this. I can't do this anymore. I love him and I can't do this anymore. This is so sad.
vickimonster Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 It is a vicious circle isn't it, you go round and round unable to get what you want and need from this person, yet you still love them, and you keep going back, trying again because maybe this time it will be different. You do deserve more, than this.
Tonia2 Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Your insight is superb - you are very nearly there - it sounds like you are so nearly ready to let go of this selfish and f*cked up man. Do it - you won't regret it. I have been there and it doesn't change when it is this deep-rooted, even if they panic about what they might be losing briefly. He is emotionally (and physically by the sounds of it) unavailable and you are hanging on to a fantasy. Good luck, you sound like you won't make this mistake again. I hope you won't.
Author lovelylady Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 Thanks Vicki and Tonia I'm doing much better today (amazing how a sunny day can help get things more in perspective) You know, my initial post yesterday was a portion of the journal entry I'd made (journals are indispensable during periods like this - actually, at any period they're indispensable - but especially periods like this) and I'd thought about reading to him what I'd written. But then I thought better of it and instead figured that maybe I just needed to get it out of my book and so I wrote it here. Nothing was to be accomplished by him reading it...basically because - as you said vicki - he is unavailable. He knows it, and to hear all that would have just made him feel really bad. Even if he wants to change, he really doesn't know how and I know is not ready to - and quite possibly may never be ready to, as he is 41....and if change hasn't come about yet (though I hate to be pessimistic, and really want him to change because i think it would make it more possible for HIM to be happier - regardless of whether he's with me) I realize that it may never. It's really hard when you love someone who has so many deep-seated issues that they are actually UNABLE to allow themselves to love. You want to be the one....I wanted to be the one.....to hold on, and wait, and give, and provide a safe place...but unfortunately I found myself, in the meantime, feeling more and more empty, needing, REALLY NEEDING, to get more back from him emotionally. And I wanted some sort of security...that my waiting would ensure his eventual coming around. That all I was doing would eventually pay-off. But there is no guarantee to be had in relationships like that. Hell, there's no guarantee in any relationship...let alone a relationship that is so challenged to begin with. Anyway, thanks again for reading....and responding. Support is always good. I know that I'm doing the right thing.
Ty Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 I’m not losing someone who wanted to ravish me all the time. I’m not losing someone who wanted to spend a lot of time with me. I’m not losing someone who wrote me poetry, or who told me he loved me, or who gave me a flower or a little gift or even a card. I’m not losing someone who could say – or I guess who even thought, that I was their girlfriend. I’m not losing someone who made me dinner. I’m not losing someone who talked about a future with me. I’m not losing someone who wanted me to meet their family. Damn, minus the poetry, I did all that with my ex, and she broke up with me because she needed to be free and independent... She even still loves me.. Wander if she will come around and realize what she gave up? But yea leave that dude alone, sounds like a terrible boyfriend. You'll find someone that cares more about you and wants to make you happy, and doesn't always think about themselves.
flowergirl Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Damn, girl: Have you been readin' my diary? Nosy! Just kiddin' That is exactly what I'm going through. Everyone always told me to just be patient, he'll come around, but some things and people just don't change, no matter how hard you close your eyes and wish. All those problems you listed in your post were the very same issues I had with my most recent ex. We went out for a year eight years ago, were friends for a long time, then got back together for 5 months before I couldn't take it anymore, waiting for him to call me, waiting for him to make time for me, and getting real tired of wondering when I was gonna met his family. Some guys seem to think these basic things are so difficult! It does hurt knowing that someone you love is incapable of relationships, but that's life and us wonderful girls derserve better.
Author lovelylady Posted April 6, 2005 Author Posted April 6, 2005 Ty - she may....i hope that she does. People generally get a better understanding of what they want as they mature. I'd had boyfriends who had done those things for me before, but my feelings weren't there. This is the first time that I've truly ached for such expressions to be there. I think it's about that match - two people who want to do things for each other, with both sides feeling deeply appreciative and thankful (and loved) If it's only one sided, it's not good - for either person. Maybe the lady you were with will come around - but certainly you don't want to continue giving your heart to someone who can't see or appreciate all that they are receiving...right? "And of course, who can't return their heart to you flowergirl - - i'm beginning to think this situation is very common - - which doesn't make it any better, but maybe does make it a little bit easier. yes, anyone in this situation deserves better. what's hard about a situation like this is the terribly mixed signals that keep on coming. he has to purchase some property and yesterday he said to me that instead of buying in upstate new york, he is thinking of buying property in a city in the bay area- the *small* city that i am moving to. entirely across the country. where he has no family. where he has no friends. just me. and when i lightly laughed and smiled at him, he looked at me with a straight face and said - "No, I'm VERY serious." and i don't know what to do with information like that. i believe he's trying to be clear about SOMETHING - but i have no clue what. it makes me feel like he truly WANTS to be able to communicate with me - but just doesn't know how...so he says (and will do) strange and beat-around-the-bush type things. he wants to communicate something - but i don't even think that he know WHAT - and i certainly don't know either. it takes real effort to turn off hopefulness.
clone Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 was he alwasy like this or did it become like this over time?? just curious
flowergirl Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Yeah, Lovely, I know what you mean about the mixed signals. I wouldn't hear from my ex for days at a time, and see him once a month while he was out being a workaholic and carting his family around, keeping me a secret, when I would complain about about, he would make small gestures that made me think that things would improve, but then it would start all over again, and I knew in my heart that that would never change, or at least not soon enough. If you really care for or love someone, you wanna tell the whole world, or at least your family members. Guys make too many excuses for their behavior, and, although it's difficult, we have to stand up and say we won't take it. Now, I'm gonna go sing "Tear in my Beer". Haha.
Author lovelylady Posted April 7, 2005 Author Posted April 7, 2005 Clone - yes, he has been like this since the beginning. Actually, and this is what makes it more difficult, he has made progress - he had become better at things (after my expressing dissapointment )like calling when he said he was going to and other things....but it just wasn't enough. and frankly, on the one hand, i feel like a jerk because i can't wait longer....i feel like i should be able to wait longer - because i do love him enough to wait longer. but on the other hand....i feel like i just need more. i've waited a year - how long would i have to wait? i'm still struggling with my decision of the other night. now i'm beginning to feel like i acted too hastily. but i can't think that....i KNOW that i didn't. if he wants to come around, he will. if i'm important enough to him, he'll make it clear that he doesn't want to lose me. and that's it.
flowergirl Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 Lovely: I'm right there with ya, girl. I tto feel I was hasty, however, I also feel I made the right decision for myself, because it's terrible waiting around for a guy. If he really does care, he'll come around, but go out and enjoy life in the meantime.
cubbbb Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 I would do one LAST thing for him. Help him move his stuff out of your house. You'd actually be doing something for yourself. Don't go on the trip to move with him. Just help him get his crap out of your house, then your one step closer to moving on with your own life.
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