OctopusJane Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) Hello to you all I just wanted to share my experience with you, guys. Maybe, if you have a similar one, please, i will be happy to hear it too. You see, I just broke up with my boyfriend after a two year relationship. The first year was just marveleous, and though i knew he liked to drink a bit too much, I really didn't care, my love was so big... After a year I started to realize it was a real problem: he had heavy hungovers, didn't do important things because he felt lazy after drinking, he even ruined his brother wedding.... It was so sad to watch. We worked on it for a year, i gave him a few numbers were he could start treating his habits, and though he didn't go, he did strted to consume a bit less.... But always with eventual relapses and drunk calls in the middle of the night. As the months passed, i felt my love started to diminish... Then , suddenly, just a month ago my mom felt really sick, and i decided it was time to break up. It was a sad moment, and he promised to change. Every now and then he writes me to tell me he is attending the meetings at the places i told him, he even started to study again... But i cant't feel the same love.... Last time he called he was crying, saying that without me being next to him he wasn't going to be strong enough to continue his treatment. I care for him so much, I really want him to continue with it, but to be honest, i also feel so relieved after the breakup. And my mom needs me so much now. My heart is broken, but i cant seem to love him anymore. What if he relapses again? Would it be my fault? I just want him to be good and happy...... I am so sad. Please help me. I need an advice, desperatly. Edited February 17, 2015 by OctopusJane
Flabreakup Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) Pretty interesting. I have a post o. Here called, fiancé left and gave back ring. Your point of view would be my exs of two weeks now. Although our issues weren't just drinking. I would drink beer abut every other night til I ran out or passed out. Not all the time but every once in a while I would say or do something stupid and we would argue for less than a minute and my girl would go into another room for the night. We also had a two year old. She left Super Bowl night. Keep in mind this wasn't our only problem. She said I treated her like a mother instead of partner. Which was true. I was either drinking or hungover every day. I'm 35 and this has been going on for four years or so. A lot of people on here say no one can really change but I beg to differ. I haven't touch a drip since she left and never will again God willing. There are hundreds of thousands of people in aa that have quit and many more that do it alone. This is no defense of his behavior or how you feel. My ex of two weeks says the same things as you. We do have a two year old so might change things but she says she loves me but I destroyed the love in her for me. This hurts every minute of every day and I deserve all of it. However, if your relationship was great outside of the drinking and you give him time. Like months to show he is changing it may be worth it. If of course the alcohol was the only main problem. Part of me says this because I would love to have the slightest chance to have my family back. But also this very same thing happened to my aunt and uncle when they were young. She left and moved out got her own place and waited six months just to see how he would react. Never letting him know she actually wanted him down inside but like you, she too had had enough. Luckily she did give him the shot. They have been happily married for 35 years and the cutest thing you can imagine. Sometimes drastic situations like losing the love of your life have a profound effect on people and result in drastic change. Either way I'm happy to see your prospective. I know what I've put my own love through and like you she did what had to be done at the moment. Edited February 17, 2015 by Flabreakup 1
PinkElephants Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I've been there, done that with an alcoholic before and I'd suggest you leave while you can. It's great that the previous poster is going to quit drinking due to his experience but unless Flabreakup is an alcoholic then his experience is going to be different than your ex's. We worked on it for a year, i gave him a few numbers were he could start treating his habits, and though he didn't go, he did strted to consume a bit less You worked on it for a year. You gave him numbers that he didn't bother looking up. He didn't go to treatment, he didn't try to find resources, he didn't do anything. I tried this with my ex; he felt nagged, pressured, and like I was trying to change him. He just wanted to be accepted for the drunk he was and that's that. But always with eventual relapses and drunk calls in the middle of the night. Do you expect this to change? You say "always" and "eventual" like you've already accepted that he won't change. It was a sad moment, and he promised to change. Has he ever changed in the past? Being with you didn't motivate him before so why do you hope it will now? Last time he called he was crying, saying that without me being next to him he wasn't going to be strong enough to continue his treatment. MANIPULATION! He's making it your fault if he relapses and not taking any responsibility for himself. He wants to guilt you into staying by him while he cleans up as much as he has to in order to keep you and then the cycle continues. What if he relapses again? Would it be my fault? Nope. He can't force you to dye your hair green any more than you can force him to relapse. It's 100% his decision to drink or not so don't take that upon yourself. I get what you're feeling and I know how hard it is. It seems so simple to us; stop drinking and everything will be fine, but they don't see it the same way. I also thought I loved the alcoholic I dated but you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved and you can't make yourself responsible for their bad choices. Sometimes the only thing you can do is save yourself because otherwise you're going to drown with them. And in your case, your mom is going to drown too. The pain of ending it is not what you lost but what you could have had if they'd just sobered up. It's also detoxing from some serious co-dependence because somewhere along the way you turned into his mother instead of his equal and you slowly took on responsibility for his life. The relief is also immense. As soon as I ended it I realized how much free time I had! Hours per day were wasted worrying about him. All of the sudden I could go out to lunch with my friends, I could enjoy an evening without being annoyed by one of his ridiculous stories. It was such a feeling of freedom although I did feel sorry for him that while I was free of him, he still had to deal with himself. You already know what you're singing up for if you stay; don't expect that it'll change. It might even get worse if you're distracted by your mom and he's feeling ignored or unmonitored. Do you want more of what you've been given or would you rather take your chances and cut ties? Unfortunately, those are really your only options because you haven't been able to love him into sobriety and he's proven he won't make his changes permanent. 1
WrinkledForehead Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Of course people change. It can be a long process, however, and that person has to be strong enough to fight every single reason there is not to change. And there will always be a million reasons not to change. It's not your obligation to be strong for him. This is his path and his journey, and I promise you that if he's looking hard enough, he will find every therapeutic support he could ever want while attending these meetings. I've been clean for almost 10 years. It took me years to get to the point that I even felt close enough to be stable to date. The strength to continue his treatment needs to come from inside of himself, not from you. Imagine this: you take him back, he gets sober, things are okay in his life. Something traumatic happens and his old demons come beating at his door as an old coping mechanism, but you're at work and aren't there to be strong enough to fight his demons for him. Does he then blame you for his relapse, because he's not strong enough to do it alone?
Author OctopusJane Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Thank ypu very much for your answers. I feel more relieved now, I guess it is better to kust let it go, at least for this month... We will see what happens up on april, but for now on, it is better to work on our own things apart. Thank you again, dear friends. And good luck to you all in your own relationships as well. Bye bye!
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