Hesjustnotthatin2u Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I'm a virgin by choice, choosing to wait until marriage. I'm in a new relationship and falling in love. We have been dating for 4 months now. We have so much fun hanging out together and we have a lot of chemistry physically too. I'm not opposed to doing other things physically when the time is right, but for me, sex will wait until marriage. Things get heated fast when we start to make out, and we've already done some things that I usually don't do this fast. I'm afraid that he will become bored of these things and these things won't be enough anymore. In fact, I was actually going to consider talking to him to take a step backwards and slow it down a bit. If at 4 months in, we already are doing this much physically.. how will we wait to take that last step until marriage? It's not that I don't want to do these things.. but we're running out of things to do, besides sex. This is my first 'adult' relationship at 25, and I guess I'm just afraid about how this whole abstaining thing is gonna go at this age, opposed to when I was 19 in my last relationship..
travelbug1996 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 What does he want? If you know you want to wait until marriage you have to stop getting him so worked up. That's not fair to him and he has no idea you want him to wait until marriage. Does he even want to be married. You have to tell him the truth and stop teasing him. 3
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 It's going to be hard, but you should do what you feel is right for you and your body. Not many people wait for marriage anymore, so its a lot harder trying to find a guy willing to wait.
Author Hesjustnotthatin2u Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 What does he want? If you know you want to wait until marriage you have to stop getting him so worked up. That's not fair to him and he has no idea you want him to wait until marriage. Does he even want to be married. You have to tell him the truth and stop teasing him. I told him on the third date I was waiting until marriage and he respected that. The next day, he told me that he actually liked it because it would mean we could spend more time bonding in different areas. I've been honest with him. And yes he does want to be married. 1
travelbug1996 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Awesome. You should tell him you want to slow the physical stuff down. Don't go to each others homes or keep your dates out in public most times for a while. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I told him on the third date I was waiting until marriage and he respected that. The next day, he told me that he actually liked it because it would mean we could spend more time bonding in different areas. I've been honest with him. And yes he does want to be married. Sounds like you're doing things right. Good luck. 1
Buddhist Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Stop making out so often in private places. Because I'm pretty sure even you will be tempted to just keep going. 1
Els Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) When you say you are waiting for marriage to have 'sex', do you mean just intercourse, or is oral sex and such off the table as well? The latter is likely to be much more difficult than the former - lots of couples where I come from wait until marriage for intercourse due to the culture and complex laws re: abortion and such, but they usually engage in other sexual activities prior. I know you've said the two of you 'do other things physically', but I'm not sure whether you mean just making out, or actually bringing one another to orgasm. Anyway, given that you have told him early on that you are waiting for marriage and he has continued to see you, it's likely that he's okay with the concept. What are your reasons for choosing to wait? Edited February 17, 2015 by Elswyth
rocketman122 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 haha dating someone for so long and no sex, then after marriage you realize they suck in bed. seems to me the divorce will be just after the marriage. 2
PogoStick Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 haha dating someone for so long and no sex, then after marriage you realize they suck in bed. seems to me the divorce will be just after the marriage. It's funny, some require sex after marriage. I definitely require sex BEFORE marriage. OP, how long until you will get married? How long do you expect him to wait?
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 What is his opinion on waiting? Most guys (actually all of them that I know) usually do not want to wait...but if you found one that will, you found a good guy that loves you! 1
PogoStick Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 What is his opinion on waiting? Most guys (actually all of them that I know) usually do not want to wait...but if you found one that will, you found a good guy that loves you! Or a guy who is so lacking of self-esteem that he feels he has no other options. 1
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 He said he respected that blah blah blah....don't believe it. In the back of his mind he's thinking you will cave into it sooner or later. He wasn't stopping these make out seshes right? He's not going to wait.
Photofinish Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Doesnt matter how long he is willing to wait, it's how long YOU'RE willing to wait. Dont let anyone (people on this forum included) pressure you into changing your mind. I've been in 4 relationships (including the one im in now) and I'm still a virgin Out of all of those, only one ended because of sex. Longest relationship was 2 years . My last boyfriend before the one I have now didnt want to wait, made it seem like he wanted to wait for me to be ready and in the end tried to manipulate me during my time of need (my dad died the week prior and I saw it all happen) for sex. please please be careful with that kind of guy. I told him I wasnt waiting for marriage but that I did want to wait a while and I constantly found myself putting a countdown on my virginity because of this douche bag. I was lucky and managed to get him out of my life before he took it. My current boyfriend puts not pressure on me what- so- ever and told me we dont need sex in our relationship and that he wants to wait until we fall in love as he has never had sex with someone he didnt love as well. There is no count down, no expectations, just us enjoying each other and our bond growing stronger. Just stay firm for what you believe and there are many many guys who are willing to wait! My friend and:o her boyfriend just celebrated their one year anniversary and they're waiting until marriage. He made her a scrap book and everything . It was super cute . I've known of people who were together for years before they had sex. Love is not just sex. The same way people can have sex without love, you can have it the other way around. It's completely possible and not out of this world. Goodluck 3
mightycpa Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I waited a pretty long time for a couple of girls. What helped me wait so long were the other girls who didn't want to wait. You might want to think about that too. 1
rdet123 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I waited a pretty long time for a couple of girls. What helped me wait so long were the other girls who didn't want to wait. You might want to think about that too. If you could give some insight on why you chose to get some from other girls while pursuing the girls who wanted to wait that would really help me. Not bashing you or your decisions to do that, but i'm just curious as to why you didn't just wait for said girls. Did you not really feel a connection with them, or did you not see anything happening with them in the future? Please give your insight into your thought process on this. Thanks!
Photofinish Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 If you could give some insight on why you chose to get some from other girls while pursuing the girls who wanted to wait that would really help me. Not bashing you or your decisions to do that, but i'm just curious as to why you didn't just wait for said girls. Did you not really feel a connection with them, or did you not see anything happening with them in the future? Please give your insight into your thought process on this. Thanks! Because he is a dirt bag for cheating lol . Simple as that. 1
mightycpa Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Sure. Having written this a couple of times, it doesn't seem to make any sense without a little background. Like most people, I fell in love pretty young, we had sex, which kinda makes you fall even harder, and then the day inevitably came when she found another guy. Heartbreaking! As a part of my coping mechanism, I found casual sex to be soothing to my pain, ego, etc. I think this is where I learned to disassociate sex from emotions. In a way, it was a lot better. Had a lot, with a lot of different girls/women, some only once, some many times. I felt a spark with a lot of women, but it would fizzle out for one reason or another, and I'd move on and try again. Five years after heartbreak, I fell in love with another one, and two years later, I got dumped again! I thought she broke my heart, it turned out that she didn't (another story) but I was definitely disappointed. That sets the stage for my thinking at this time of my life. In the aftermath of all that, it occurred to me that I hadn't been very careful about falling in love. My pattern was I'd date somebody, and if the feeling was mutual, we'd go exclusive and I'd stop seeing anybody else. That approach always led to an end that felt like failure, and I think that was because at some level, we were incompatible even though we were at first compatible from a personality perspective. But a RS entails other things, and I was becoming aware of this through both small and large failures. I wasn't bothered by the failure so much as I seeing it in a light that my process led to failure. If I wanted a different outcome, I needed to change something. So what I decided was that even if I felt that spark, I wasn't going to bite right away for an exclusive relationship. I'd date multiple women at the same time, and I had no compunction about sleeping with all of them. What I found was that doing this kept my emotions at bay. I genuinely liked everybody I dated, and by continuing to date them, I actually found it more difficult to choose between them until I figured out what I liked and what I didn't. Everybody had their good points and bad points. What I also liked was that it was efficient, because I never went for more than a couple weeks without a date, and rarely that long. Breakups didn't bother me nearly as much. For the couple of women who were holding out, I didn't mind, it wasn't cramping my style, and it didn't mean I didn't like them. It was just a facet of our dating that took some time. I didn't sleep with every girl that held out, but that was because one of us would move on before we got there. I know that's frowned on around here, but doing that was good for me. I was able to better evaluate the people I would see in terms of whether they were good for me or not. I had some perspective because of how I decided to do things. I guess it is like looking for a job by working for a temp agency. You get to try a lot of places and you get a better feel for where you fit. I ended up having three more long-term relationships, and even though two ended, I'd call them all successful. I probably could have married any of them, and it would have worked. Feelings were hurt at the end, but all of us ended up ok. These are the only two that I remained friends with after a little NC time. So I know that's a little long-winded, but I hope my explanation makes some sense to you. Or you could go with Photofinish's assessment. Classic. 1
mightycpa Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Because he is a dirt bag for cheating lol . Simple as that. :lmao::lmao::lmao: yes, that too!
rdet123 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Sure. Having written this a couple of times, it doesn't seem to make any sense without a little background. Like most people, I fell in love pretty young, we had sex, which kinda makes you fall even harder, and then the day inevitably came when she found another guy. Heartbreaking! As a part of my coping mechanism, I found casual sex to be soothing to my pain, ego, etc. I think this is where I learned to disassociate sex from emotions. In a way, it was a lot better. Had a lot, with a lot of different girls/women, some only once, some many times. I felt a spark with a lot of women, but it would fizzle out for one reason or another, and I'd move on and try again. Five years after heartbreak, I fell in love with another one, and two years later, I got dumped again! I thought she broke my heart, it turned out that she didn't (another story) but I was definitely disappointed. That sets the stage for my thinking at this time of my life. In the aftermath of all that, it occurred to me that I hadn't been very careful about falling in love. My pattern was I'd date somebody, and if the feeling was mutual, we'd go exclusive and I'd stop seeing anybody else. That approach always led to an end that felt like failure, and I think that was because at some level, we were incompatible even though we were at first compatible from a personality perspective. But a RS entails other things, and I was becoming aware of this through both small and large failures. I wasn't bothered by the failure so much as I seeing it in a light that my process led to failure. If I wanted a different outcome, I needed to change something. So what I decided was that even if I felt that spark, I wasn't going to bite right away for an exclusive relationship. I'd date multiple women at the same time, and I had no compunction about sleeping with all of them. What I found was that doing this kept my emotions at bay. I genuinely liked everybody I dated, and by continuing to date them, I actually found it more difficult to choose between them until I figured out what I liked and what I didn't. Everybody had their good points and bad points. What I also liked was that it was efficient, because I never went for more than a couple weeks without a date, and rarely that long. Breakups didn't bother me nearly as much. For the couple of women who were holding out, I didn't mind, it wasn't cramping my style, and it didn't mean I didn't like them. It was just a facet of our dating that took some time. I didn't sleep with every girl that held out, but that was because one of us would move on before we got there. I know that's frowned on around here, but doing that was good for me. I was able to better evaluate the people I would see in terms of whether they were good for me or not. I had some perspective because of how I decided to do things. I guess it is like looking for a job by working for a temp agency. You get to try a lot of places and you get a better feel for where you fit. I ended up having three more long-term relationships, and even though two ended, I'd call them all successful. I probably could have married any of them, and it would have worked. Feelings were hurt at the end, but all of us ended up ok. These are the only two that I remained friends with after a little NC time. So I know that's a little long-winded, but I hope my explanation makes some sense to you. Or you could go with Photofinish's assessment. Classic. Thanks for going into such detail about that. Gives a little more insight on a guys perspective, and granted I know not all guys are like that, but it's interesting reading your thought process
Els Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Just stay firm for what you believe and there are many many guys who are willing to wait! My friend and:o her boyfriend just celebrated their one year anniversary and they're waiting until marriage. He made her a scrap book and everything . It was super cute . I've known of people who were together for years before they had sex. Love is not just sex. The same way people can have sex without love, you can have it the other way around. It's completely possible and not out of this world. I agree with this. It probably varies widely with culture, but I also know several couples who waited (either for intercourse or for sex in general), some for over a decade as they got together in high school. A few of them are married now, a few others are not married yet but still going strong. Of course some of them didn't work out, but that is the case for all relationships, really, regardless of sexual decisions. Also, desiring to wait isn't necessarily a female trait - some of the men I know desire to wait of their own accord, especially with a woman they plan on possibly marrying in the future. It's very old-fashioned, sure, but if it's what works for them and their partners, who is anyone to tell them no? I think it's really sad that we have fought so hard for people to have the right to have sex before marriage without it being a crime, that now the opposite happens - some people attempt to insult or ridicule others who choose to wait. Really I wish everyone could just seek compatible partners and mind their own business without judging other couples for doing what makes them happy. 1
Revolver Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 It depends on his options. Desirable men never have to "wait".
RedRobin Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) Some people prefer to wait because they want emotional intimacy to come before physical intimacy at that level. I only date men who don't pressure for early sex and don't have a history of casual sex/FWB because that is the easiest way for me to determine what their values are. I want a guy who bonds through sex... and I want to preserve my ability to bond through sex... No, I'm not one to wait for marriage. I will probably never get remarried. I do know what real intimacy and care is though... I know what commitment looks like. I've never had a problem with waiting for a few months while we get to know each other and establish a relationship. What I've learned is that lots of guys really aren't looking for a committed relationship, as much as they say they are... and that's fine. I'm glad I didn't have to sleep with them to figure that out. For the guys who think they are being cagey...I always know when a guy is sleeping with other women while he is getting to know me, and I dump them because our views on intimacy are not compatible. Then again, I'm not 20-something either. I feel very sad for young people today... and the rest of us who are seeking real love while having to swim through this dating mess. Edited February 18, 2015 by RedRobin 1
Teraskas Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Some people prefer to wait because they want emotional intimacy to come before physical intimacy at that level. I only date men who don't pressure for early sex and don't have a history of casual sex/FWB because that is the easiest way for me to determine what their values are. I want a guy who bonds through sex... and I want to preserve my ability to bond through sex... No, I'm not one to wait for marriage. I will probably never get remarried. I do know what real intimacy and care is though... I know what commitment looks like. I've never had a problem with waiting for a few months while we get to know each other and establish a relationship. What I've learned is that lots of guys really aren't looking for a committed relationship, as much as they say they are... and that's fine. I'm glad I didn't have to sleep with them to figure that out. For the guys who think they are being cagey...I always know when a guy is sleeping with other women while he is getting to know me, and I dump them because our views on intimacy are not compatible. Then again, I'm not 20-something either. I feel very sad for young people today... and the rest of us who are seeking real love while having to swim through this dating mess. Personally, I'm not one to wait for marriage, but I'm not one of those '20 and up' type of guys who pushes for sex either. Last GF I was with admitted that she waited 2 years with her previous BF before having sex. No offense, but if that situation proceeded I would've been sexless for 5 years. I'm FAR from the type of guy that cheats, but a situation like that certainly would have been pushing it. If anything, I think that in this day it's absolute must with regards to relationships (unless it's their personal choice, or religion forbids it, I'll respect that.) As pointed out above, as situation like this could be a potential deal breaker. The irony is that I KEEP encountering women who admitted to casual sex or FWB, yet claimed that they 'did it too much' in the past. :/ With regards to the bolded part, you have literally read my mind ! xD The irony is that I'm a hybrid to that regard. Yes I'm young, but I have the mindset of someone in their mid 30's. I feel sad as well, sometimes often disgusted when I encounter yet another woman who admitted to casual sex or fwb. From experience, it's near impossible to find a woman my age who's genuinely looking for something serious, and isn't playing mindgames 24/7. I've mentioned this several times before, but I will be glad when I'm married (and find a woman who shows GENUINE and MUTUAL interest for once in my life.) so I don't have to wade through this mess anymore that dating represents these days. xD
kendahke Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 has he directly told you that he also wants to wait until marriage to you to have sex with you? You might want to get clear on that. He may just be saying what he's saying right now thinking that you will give in eventually and that you're just challenging him--with an end goal in site: you having intercourse. You need to ask him point blank if he also wants to wait until marriage to have sex because he may not be marriage minded with you--he may enjoy hanging with you and likes your friendship, but isn't of the mind to settle down any time soon. If he is sexually experienced already, he may look outside the relationship for sex and then that will be a whole 'nother can of worms when he's out screwing other women because he never had any intention on waiting for a marriage he had no intention on getting into with you.
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