I find it hard to be apart from my bf

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hi all,

 

Me and my bf have been together for nearly a year. The majority of our relationship was long distance. Now we are living in the same home and spend most of our time together.

 

I find that any time where we have to be apart makes me feel upset and anxious. I am quite good at hiding this. Of course I'll tell my bf that I've missed him etc but I won't turn into a wreck but inside it can be a different matter. There are times I tell him when it gets too much for me but largely I try to deal with it.

 

For example today we went to the beach and had a lovely time together. His friend texted as he was back in town and said that he was going to pick us both up so that we could go back to his and drink. I can be quite introverted and didn't feel in the mood to drink so I asked if I could be dropped home to sort some things out and maybe join them later. My bf said of course, we hugged and kissed and all was well.

 

So why even though I don't want to be there drinking (I don't feel I'm missing out) do I feel so anxious? I trust my bf, it's just him and a mutual friend that I know well, I'm honestly not concerned about something 'bad' happening. And I don't even WANT to be there.

 

It's just that if my bf isn't around I feel sad/anxious. I think I'm scared that if he is apart from me and doesn't miss me that he'll realise I'm nothing special to him. You know how during the infatuation stage you really achingly miss each other? I'm afraid he won't feel that I guess.

 

I don't know.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some comfort.

People often tell me about attachment styles. I think I'm anxiously attached but I was raised very lovingly so I'm not sure when this style came into play or why.

 

I've also had this in EVERY relationship; i've hated to be away from a partner - it makes me incredibly anxious and sad.

[preraph]

Maybe you truly have a psychological anxiety that you need to see a psychologist about. You sound rational, but then you get the unexplained anxiety. It might be all you need is an anti-anxiety drug to be much happier, and there's not anything wrong with that and they aren't a dangerous category of drug either. You ought to consider it.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Maybe you truly have a psychological anxiety that you need to see a psychologist about. You sound rational, but then you get the unexplained anxiety. It might be all you need is an anti-anxiety drug to be much happier, and there's not anything wrong with that and they aren't a dangerous category of drug either. You ought to consider it.

 

Hi preraph, thanks for your post. It's funny you mention this as I do have generalised anxiety disorder. I've tried medication but any meds I've tried have left me numb/cold/empty. I'd rather try to deal naturally with the anxiety although if there was a medication that could really do the trick it would be worth trying. It might be worth looking into. Thank you

[preraph]

Well, that sucks. I don't know how many you've tried, but I've known people who really benefited from them. I wouldn't stop trying different ones or combinations. I know everyone is different, but there are so many out there it just seems like one would work for you. Also, not saying you didn't, but some may take longer to build up and work right than others, not sure. So whatever you do, always follow the instructions from the physician to a T and then report any bad effects back to him without taking it upon yourself to make changes or take less, etc until he says to. Maybe you only need a mild old-school one like Valium or maybe you do better on a newer more complex one. I hope you were getting them from a psychiatrist or psychologist (referring you to get them) and not just a general doctor. They can handle the transient things, but not a real disorder, I wouldn't think. Anyway, I can only imagine that's what's going on, because you know you shouldn't feel that way because logic tells you that, but yet it happens. Well, good luck with it. Do not give up! There are new things on the market all the time.

[d0nnivain]

What you are experiencing is extreme. It must be quite difficult to live with and is no way to live. Speaking to a doctor to get it addressed is a wonderful idea. Good luck.

[Got it]

Hi all,

 

Me and my bf have been together for nearly a year. The majority of our relationship was long distance. Now we are living in the same home and spend most of our time together.

 

I find that any time where we have to be apart makes me feel upset and anxious. I am quite good at hiding this. Of course I'll tell my bf that I've missed him etc but I won't turn into a wreck but inside it can be a different matter. There are times I tell him when it gets too much for me but largely I try to deal with it.

 

For example today we went to the beach and had a lovely time together. His friend texted as he was back in town and said that he was going to pick us both up so that we could go back to his and drink. I can be quite introverted and didn't feel in the mood to drink so I asked if I could be dropped home to sort some things out and maybe join them later. My bf said of course, we hugged and kissed and all was well.

 

So why even though I don't want to be there drinking (I don't feel I'm missing out) do I feel so anxious? I trust my bf, it's just him and a mutual friend that I know well, I'm honestly not concerned about something 'bad' happening. And I don't even WANT to be there.

 

It's just that if my bf isn't around I feel sad/anxious. I think I'm scared that if he is apart from me and doesn't miss me that he'll realise I'm nothing special to him. You know how during the infatuation stage you really achingly miss each other? I'm afraid he won't feel that I guess.

 

I don't know.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some comfort.

People often tell me about attachment styles. I think I'm anxiously attached but I was raised very lovingly so I'm not sure when this style came into play or why.

 

I've also had this in EVERY relationship; i've hated to be away from a partner - it makes me incredibly anxious and sad.

 

I experienced this while in college dating my first husband. I will tell you it is codependent, unhealthy, and you need to address things.

 

What are you doing to establish your own identity, interests, etc. You have to be a separate person from him. I highly recommend therapy and addressing this issue. For me, it was tied to an eating disorder, abandonment issues, and self esteem issues. I was so bad I couldn't even go to the grocery store alone. It is not healthy. ((((((((((((())))))))))))))))

[Nikki Sahagin]

I experienced this while in college dating my first husband. I will tell you it is codependent, unhealthy, and you need to address things.

 

What are you doing to establish your own identity, interests, etc. You have to be a separate person from him. I highly recommend therapy and addressing this issue. For me, it was tied to an eating disorder, abandonment issues, and self esteem issues. I was so bad I couldn't even go to the grocery store alone. It is not healthy. ((((((((((((())))))))))))))))

 

Well it's weird because outside of a relationship, despite my GAD, I am quite independent. I've travelled the world alone twice, eaten at restaurants alone, gone to the cinema alone, to conventions etc. Generally I prefer to do things alone as I'm quite introverted; I'll walk alone, do yoga alone etc.

 

In relationships I tend to lose much of my independence. I have a lot of fear around not being around my partner.

 

What if he meets someone else?

What if he doesn't miss me?

 

Part of me feels that its irrational but another part of me doesn't.

[preraph]

It's not all necessarily irrational, of course. Everyone has some fears, but because these contrast so sharply with what else you've said about your independence and the fact you know you shouldn't be anxious, a good bit of it is anxiety you need to get rid of clinically. It's great you have been able to feel your independence despite it, but think how far you could go without that little worry in your head.

[Got it]

Well it's weird because outside of a relationship, despite my GAD, I am quite independent. I've travelled the world alone twice, eaten at restaurants alone, gone to the cinema alone, to conventions etc. Generally I prefer to do things alone as I'm quite introverted; I'll walk alone, do yoga alone etc.

 

In relationships I tend to lose much of my independence. I have a lot of fear around not being around my partner.

 

What if he meets someone else?

What if he doesn't miss me?

 

Part of me feels that its irrational but another part of me doesn't.

 

What if he does? What does hoovering do to prevent that? It is dealing with the fear of abandonment and knowing that even if you get hurt you will be okay. That it doesn't define you as a person. I get it but those are things that you need to work through. You can't use him as an emotional buoy to keep you afloat. You have to learn to do that on your own. You will suffocate the relationship if you continue doing this and you won't be happy.