StringsAndSticks Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Well, I don't know why I haven't seen this posted yet, but.... Sex isn't important.
katiegrl Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Thank you everyone for all your thoughts, suggestions, and opinions. I think I'll give it some time and see. My one close friend dated someone in a situation like this and it turned out that he was impotent and unwilling to see a Dr about the situation. I'm hoping that is not the case since he is able to get hard. I think my biggest issue is that he is acting sexual and spending lots of time on foreplay but then it's nothing so I'm left all hot and bothered. I do really care about him so I will wait it out. We started dating around Thanksgiving and became official in the beginning of January. He wanted to be official almost right away but I wanted some time to date him. Why are you left all hot and bothered? Some of my most intense orgasms result from oral or even manual stimulation! Not penetration. True for many other women as well...not just me..
johncarl Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Interesting posts and interesting challenge. It sounds like this guy has a major insecurity now because of the ridicule he experienced. To be ridiculed for any reason is a very crushing and hurtful experience. I haven't experienced "sexual" ridicule but I haven't experienced it professionally and it's a terrible, terrible, painful and crushing blow. So in that regard, I would suggest just being supportive. If it comes up, tell him it's going to be okay. Give him some reassurance by telling him what you like about him and what you think makes him a great guy. A lot of people need reassurance, to be validated, to be acknowledged - it's a tough thing for people to ask for because we're generally taught that we shouldn't expect compliments, and that sort of thing. So be reassuring to him, and be open with him about what you like about him. I was involved with a woman for close to a year and she told me I think.....maybe 5 times that I was hot or handsome and that I made her hot. Over a year. And she told me that I should know I make her hot and she likes me. Well, that's not a reasonable thing for people to assume..... With regards to pre-mature ejaculation: that's a common challenge. I've had experience with it myself and it can be really embarrassing. I've found what helps is an emotional connection and reassurance that it's ok. Let him know how he can please you without penetration, for instance, and experiment together. It's difficult for a lot of women to experience orgasms through vaginal sex any how, so sexual satisfaction for women typically involves a lot more than simple penetration. Massages, fingering, cunnilingus, communicating, etc. In my experience, a lot of women enjoy a man telling her how wonderful she is during sexual intimacy, and really - men like it too. Does it turn you on when he ejaculates? Tell him. Does it make you hot when he touches you, or goes down on you? Tell him. Be open with each other, if you can't be then there is a lack of trust, comfort and chemistry: for those things to come takes some work on the part of both partners if it doesn't come naturally. 1
LifeandPerseverance Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Ugh. I had no idea where to post this. I've tried to talk to my friends about this but they have no advice and think it's strange. So I've been dating this great guy since the end of November. He's pretty awesome. He's nice, sweet, fun, and generally we have a lot in common. Here's the kicker..he's older than me and has only had one sex partner. That's fine but then recently he dropped a bomb and said his ex and him only had sex once. He said it didn't go well and she was friends with one of his family members and she went into graphic detail and said awful things about him in bed so he never wanted to have sex with her again. We've been sexual together with everything besides actual sex. Everytime we get close he gets nervous and doesn't want to. We had planned a special night together and that was going to be the night we did it but he came down with the flu and now wants to push sex back even further. I don't want to pressure him but I think it's weird. Help I personally don't think it's weird. Based on what happened to him in the past--that kind of stuff can really get into a guy's head and hurt him. He's got a lot of performance anxiety. I think you trying to "plan a night" will probably result in this a lot. Sex should be prepared for, but spontaneous enough. Just keep doing what you're doing. Assure him you care about him, make sure you ARE actually getting an orgasm when you two are otherwise sexual, and that you LET HIM KNOW that, and if he's doing sexual things you like--tell him. Maybe also mention these things on the phone or over text, too, when you're not with him. Build up, build up, build up. This guy needs to be able to trust you before he can have sex with you. This happens so frequently with us women, it's not even funny. I completely can see where he's coming from. Makes my heart hurt from him. His ex sounds like a $$%#^^$. Just hang in there with him, if he's an otherwise great guy and good partner, and it should smooth out eventually. 1
johncarl Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Why are you left all hot and bothered? Some of my most intense orgasms result from oral or even manual stimulation! Not penetration. True for many other women as well...not just me.. Exactly, good advice. I "spoke" to that a bit in my response as well. Most women (from what I've read and experienced) don't experience orgasms from vaginal intercourse but require other stimulation. So he can still satisfy you sexually even without having vaginal intercourse with you. Communication is a big thing - let him know what you like, what you would like him to try, etc. Let him know what makes you hot, what you like about him, etc. And learn about different ways to experience an orgasm because it's really satisfying when it happens even when it's not because of vaginal intercourse. Personally, I am so satisfied even just performing oral on a woman until she orgasms: at that point I would be fine finishing myself off manually - being there and giving my partner an orgasm is a major turn on and satisfaction for me. I think only about 25% of the women I've been with have experienced orgasms through vaginal intercourse. About 50% didn't experience orgasms and about 25% experienced them but it was from other stimulation: she either stimulated herself while we had vaginal sex, or I stimulated her during; or I played with her clitoris and/or performed oral on her. And it was really "hit and miss" - and you have to communicate. It's not like in the movies where people pick each other up, go home together and have great sex right of the get go - that almost never happens. Out of the 75 women I've had sex with: that has happened maybe......five times. And everyone I've spoken with, it's about the same. Great sex doesn't "just happen" - that's basically a myth.
LifeandPerseverance Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 I thought I'd give an update to the situation. There still has been no sex. I think the situation has gotten worse. It seemed before that he wanted to do it and now that I've been understand I don't think there is going to be sex any time soon. I've tried everything from talking to trying to get him in the mood. We'll do everything else but he gets so anxious and nervous and then we stop. I really like him but I'm starting to feel like I'm missing something from my relationship. Wowowow wait--this "everything else" foreplay and workup he does--do you actually get to the point of orgasm? Or he's just teasing you and getting you hot and bothered and then quitting? 1
johncarl Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 I thought I'd give an update to the situation. There still has been no sex. I think the situation has gotten worse. It seemed before that he wanted to do it and now that I've been understand I don't think there is going to be sex any time soon. I've tried everything from talking to trying to get him in the mood. We'll do everything else but he gets so anxious and nervous and then we stop. I really like him but I'm starting to feel like I'm missing something from my relationship. Okay, I gotta ask, but of course you don't have to share: how many times have you had sex and how many partners? And how many times have you had an orgasm? You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and him. I lost my virginity with a young lady when I was 17 and she was 16. For the first while I was an "8-second miracle." And before we had sex we played a lot sexually. It takes a lot of communication and a lot of interaction together. Like I said in another post, it's not like tv or the movies: there is almost never a hookup that mind-blowing off the bat. that rarely happens to people.
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