Belle88 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Ugh. I had no idea where to post this. I've tried to talk to my friends about this but they have no advice and think it's strange. So I've been dating this great guy since the end of November. He's pretty awesome. He's nice, sweet, fun, and generally we have a lot in common. Here's the kicker..he's older than me and has only had one sex partner. That's fine but then recently he dropped a bomb and said his ex and him only had sex once. He said it didn't go well and she was friends with one of his family members and she went into graphic detail and said awful things about him in bed so he never wanted to have sex with her again. We've been sexual together with everything besides actual sex. Everytime we get close he gets nervous and doesn't want to. We had planned a special night together and that was going to be the night we did it but he came down with the flu and now wants to push sex back even further. I don't want to pressure him but I think it's weird. Help
Buddhist Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) Not particularly weird when you consider he has been ridiculed and humiliated for his past efforts and now has a mental block about it. Don't plan sex with him, that is just going to make his anxiety about it go through the roof. You've added performance anxiety to the list of stuff to freak out about. Forget it, continue having your foreplay sessions and let it go into sex in the moment when he feels comfortable. Women generally deal with emotional disappointment and humiliation early in life, so we learn to deal with it better through practice. Guys get particularly hung up on it, if this is only one of the few times they've ever had to deal with shame. The worst thing you can do is make him feel guilty for his shame. Read up on parenting tips for helping a child deal with shame and you will have some good strategies for helping him deal with it. Not implying he's a child or immature, merely stating the appropriate response to that kind of internal turmoil is pretty much the same for children and adults. And all of the above is of course subject to ruling out more obvious things like sexual preference. Since you said he doesn't shy away from touching you in a sexual way I've ruled out that possibility. Edited February 17, 2015 by Buddhist 4
jazzybones Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I can imagine that being very traumatizing for your first sexual experience. He has no way of being emotionally sure that sex with all women won't be that way. The best you can do is be supportive and take off the pressure. Maybe offer him a massage as part of any foreplay to help him relax, compliment him on his kissing style etc (if you're sincere about it!)... it'll help build up his confidence. 1
Author Belle88 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Thank you for all your suggestions. To the last post.. I highly doubt he's in the closet because he is always wanting to touch me or give me oral or get me naked to fool around it's just that he nervous about the actual sex. He is a very shy reserved person so I can understand why he has a limited dating background and he was brought up extremely religious but says that doesn't influence him. I've tried to be supportive and I've praised him for his skills whether it be massage, kissing, oral, or touching. I've told him that I'm not the same person as his ex and that sex is always awkward the first time or with a new partner but that doesn't seem to help. The only thing I've noticed is that he ejaculates very quickly if we are fooling around, or if I touch him, or if I give him oral. Like beyond fast. So maybe that could be a reason.
preraph Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 He's either not heterosexual or he's impotent. He's probably only telling you a half-truth about him getting turned off because his ex said something. The truth is she probably, like you, went to a friend or family member because he was sexually dysfunctional. If he can't even own up to what's really going on, this relationship is going nowhere. He can't fix a problem he won't acknowledge. I have known guys like this. I was in love with an impotent one. The caveat was that he could do it with real drunk short blond girls but not anyone he viewed as lucid and anyone he respected. It stemmed from something in childhood and took him decades to sort out. We only did it once and it as after we weren't together. It was a freak accident that happened upon my breakup with someone else and my weakness and crying enabled him to do it with me. Normally, I'm super strong, which he loved out of bed but couldn't handle sex with. We talked about it all 20 years later. The other is a family member who seems to be asexual. He never dated and then a workmate encouraged him to basically get a mail-order bride. He wanted someone traditional because he had this uber-mom who would have been hard to match. Anyway, they're married, but all she does is spend his money and sent it overseas. No kids and I doubt seriously sex is happening. By staying with someone who has a big problem they have to deal with you are only enabling them to live in denial. They always want all the trappings so no one suspects. 5
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Not particularly weird when you consider he has been ridiculed and humiliated for his past efforts and now has a mental block about it. Don't plan sex with him, that is just going to make his anxiety about it go through the roof. You've added performance anxiety to the list of stuff to freak out about. Forget it, continue having your foreplay sessions and let it go into sex in the moment when he feels comfortable. Women generally deal with emotional disappointment and humiliation early in life, so we learn to deal with it better through practice. Guys get particularly hung up on it, if this is only one of the few times they've ever had to deal with shame. The worst thing you can do is make him feel guilty for his shame. Read up on parenting tips for helping a child deal with shame and you will have some good strategies for helping him deal with it. Not implying he's a child or immature, merely stating the appropriate response to that kind of internal turmoil is pretty much the same for children and adults. And all of the above is of course subject to ruling out more obvious things like sexual preference. Since you said he doesn't shy away from touching you in a sexual way I've ruled out that possibility. Pretty much this. Although I find the whole situation kinda weird.
KatZee Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I think you already know the issue. He's a premature ejaculator and probably has it in his head that he won't be able to please you during actual sex-- that's why he spends so much time with oral/massage/hands. For some guys this is severely crippling. Women take much longer to achieve orgasm and if he's shooting a minute in, he's going to feel like a failure. Maybe give him a bj/hj and make him come then go for round two. Second Os take longer to achieve. Perhaps you can boost his confidence that way. 4
PogoStick Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Well if that's the case there is now a Rx for premature ejaculation. Look into Dapoxetine. Also, control is quite trainable, in my experience. This is something you two should be able to work through. 1
Gloria25 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Well if that's the case there is now a Rx for premature ejaculation. Look into Dapoxetine. Also, control is quite trainable, in my experience. This is something you two should be able to work through. What about sex therapists?????
PogoStick Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 What about sex therapists????? I don't know, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn last night. 2
joyyu22 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you want him to respect your comfort levels? I didn't feel comfortable until half a year into my relationship and his respect for my decision really let me know how much he is worth it.
Jethro Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker for me personally. Sounds like this is a case of that. 1
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Perhaps give him some time? How long have you two been dating? It sounds like he's nervous to be ridiculed again...
Author Belle88 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Thank you everyone for all your thoughts, suggestions, and opinions. I think I'll give it some time and see. My one close friend dated someone in a situation like this and it turned out that he was impotent and unwilling to see a Dr about the situation. I'm hoping that is not the case since he is able to get hard. I think my biggest issue is that he is acting sexual and spending lots of time on foreplay but then it's nothing so I'm left all hot and bothered. I do really care about him so I will wait it out. We started dating around Thanksgiving and became official in the beginning of January. He wanted to be official almost right away but I wanted some time to date him.
mightycpa Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Ok, the most compelling reasons I've read so far are that he's a two-stroke Charlie or he has trouble with impotence. There are types of impotence that only involve intercourse. It's completely mental. I don't buy the ridicule story. It sounds like a cover story, and not a very good one. If you can do the "other stuff" and not get ridiculed, it is not a big step to go a little farther at a time. Especially if you can coax him along. I don't think that's really it. There's a third possibility. He likes some really weird something during regular sex and he's holding back. 3
Diezel Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I think I'll give it some time and see. Don't let it drag on for months. But you probably will. This guy either needs therapy or he is lying. Either way, it seems like a no-win situation for you. Why? Because if he needs therapy and hasn't gone on his own, he's not going now. If he is lying, then duh, definitely not a good situation AT ALL. I'd just start over with someone else. 3
Popsicle Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) Sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker for me personally. Sounds like this is a case of that. This. I really don't care what the guys reasons are. The R will be over, as far as I'm concerned. Loving/liking someone is great, but you will waste years (or months) of your life that you could be enjoying and having sex, waiting for someone to overcome their issues. You have to learn to make the most of your life. I read a very true post a while ago by "old shirt". Although the subject and gender is different, the principle still applies to everyone and every situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/512692-i-love-my-wife-but-have-no-sexual-desire-towards-her#post6127368 (Post#14) Edited February 18, 2015 by Popsicle 1
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Does he ejaculate ie during oral, hj, foreplay? or is it just that he doesn't want to/isn't able to have sexual intercourse? Does he try to have sexual intercourse and his erection fails or is he just not willing to try? Are you both left hot and bothered after prolonged foreplay sessions or does he seem perfectly happy with the situation? Can he masturbate? Is he addicted to porn? I get the ridiculing was unpleasant, but I have a feeling there may be deeper issues here. 1
wb1988 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I think the part that the OP forgot to mention is that she's like 17 and the guy is 19 right?
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I think the part that the OP forgot to mention is that she's like 17 and the guy is 19 right? Belle88 is in her mid twenties according to her other post.
preraph Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 From your last post, it does sound like premature ejaculation. But you can't rule out some other thing going on in his head. If its premature ejaculation, don't you do anything foreplay but let him do foreplay on you and then see what happens. I have had guys tell me to stop foreplay for that reason. But you wouldn't think as long as a guy was getting off, it would stop him from sex that much.
Author Belle88 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 I thought I'd give an update to the situation. There still has been no sex. I think the situation has gotten worse. It seemed before that he wanted to do it and now that I've been understand I don't think there is going to be sex any time soon. I've tried everything from talking to trying to get him in the mood. We'll do everything else but he gets so anxious and nervous and then we stop. I really like him but I'm starting to feel like I'm missing something from my relationship.
ascendotum Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 It sounds he wasn't going all the way to the finish line with you, and from your last post it sounds like he gets anxious before he cums. Is that right? I'd put $ on PE, but who knows. Three months in, I thought he would be getting disappointed in himself. If he's in his 20s he should be good to go again in a little while, so you should just have an interlude and then hopefully he wont be so anxious on the next session. As for you, can't you just push his head or hand back down when you are on the home stretch to an O? Not sure what you mean by this "and now that I've been understand" as to how its changed things. Tell him you want to do something a little kinky and tease him then tie him to the bed, and hop on. Have a heart to heart chat with him about you getting frustrated. Its game playing but maybe spin it back on him, and let him know you are now feeling insecure and sad over him not loving you because he wont have intercourse and see if that stings him into action.
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