sunshine2 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Hello, I am new to this forum and thought I would just reach out. I was dating a man I met on line for 2 1/2 months before he had a big family tragedy happen to his child. Before this we texted or talked on the phone daily, didn't see each other as much as I wanted due to his childs weird schedule. So that was the first issue, but he was fun and we had a good time chatting. We were not official or anything but I was starting to fall for him. I thought he was too, but not so much I guess. During the first tragedy, I tried to support him, but he did withdraw from me quite a bit. If I didn't reach out, I probably would not of heard from him. I did ask him if it was okay to check in with him and he said yes. After about a month, he started to reach out again and things were getting back on track. The last time I saw him, he was wasn't feeling well. He was in lots of pain and I actually saw his stomach misshape as he was in pain. Long story short he has had issues and many surgeries. So, he goes home and texts me once that day and says he is not feeling well and going to bed. Next day, I reach out, he is feeling worse. He finally goes to the Dr and gets bad news, but won't know the full details till that next week. He told me that he is scared and worried about what is happening and he really does not want to go through surgery again. I keep trying to reach out, his responses are delayed and he stops contacting me altogether again. I reached out to him last Sunday asking him what was up and why he was being so distant. He tells me that he is not feeling well and wants to be left alone right now. He doesn't really answer my question, but I decide that I have to give him space. I haven't heard from him since. Its been 8 days. I see him on FB, as he is posting things which makes me upset. I know that posting on FB isn't dealing with a relationship, but its still feels odd that he can do that, but not text or call me. Im hurt, feel abandoned. We had talked about letting the other person know if they didn't want to see them anymore. I am in shock that he just went dark. He is obviously emotionally unavailable, goes cold when he has any trouble in his life and the hardest part for me is feeling like he must not care about me at all as he isn't reaching out at all. This sucks. I want to ask him one more time why, but I also think its best to just let this go. I unfriended him on FB last night because of the hurt I feel every time I see him post, and deleted his phone number from my phone and deleted all the texts I saved because I don't want to reminisce. I feel sick and sad. I think this "relationship" was pretty much a FWB or maybe a FB. I didn't want that but thats how it seems now that he is not contacting me at all. How long should it be to get over a 3 month relationship where there was constant contact via text? My phone is so quiet now.
Elle1975 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 How long is pretty much up to you. Allow yourself a week of "grieving", and get back on the horse. I am not talking about dating, but resume your life, and don't mope around. Mopping doesn't serve any purpose but delaying your healing, and is just not productive at all. By productive I mean that it's time that you could spend enjoying yourself, whatever you like doing.
Ralph79 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Not knowing the nature or the severity of his medical problems, it occurs to me that he might be trying to establish some distance until he knows what's going to happen. You said he started becoming increasingly distant after he got news from the Dr. after his surgeries so I assume he wants to avoid getting close to you, to spare you the pain of any possible (and maybe inevitable) tragedy. He could be posting on FB because he wants to rely on people that already know him. But again, I don't know the severity of the situation he's going through. In any case, in regards to your question: "How long should it be to get over a 3 month relationship where there was constant contact via text?"... I'd say it depends on how you feel over the whole experience once you know all the facts.
Author sunshine2 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 Not knowing the nature or the severity of his medical problems, it occurs to me that he might be trying to establish some distance until he knows what's going to happen. You said he started becoming increasingly distant after he got news from the Dr. after his surgeries so I assume he wants to avoid getting close to you, to spare you the pain of any possible (and maybe inevitable) tragedy. He could be posting on FB because he wants to rely on people that already know him. But again, I don't know the severity of the situation he's going through. In any case, in regards to your question: "How long should it be to get over a 3 month relationship where there was constant contact via text?"... I'd say it depends on how you feel over the whole experience once you know all the facts. Im not sure that I agree, but it is a interesting theory. He had his Dr appt last week to find out what was really going on after his xray an cat scan but didn't contact me to tell me how it went. Since he asked me to leave him alone, I didn't want to ask him and won't reach out at all at this point. His last surgeries were a few years ago, not recent. The new symptoms may be something bad and may need surgery, but Im just guessing now since I have no idea what is wrong since he has not spoken to me in 8 days now. I would think that if he cared about me, he would at least tell me whats up even if it is to say, I can't be in a relationship with you or see you because this is what is wrong or surgery is going to happen... I guess time will tell.
Ralph79 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 You said he has a child and that his surgeries happened years ago. Maybe his surgeries had something to do with the failure of his relationship with the kid's mother. If that was the case, then it stands to reason that he might have trouble trusting people when he has these issues, thus his petition to be granted some space. I'm not trying to justify him or judge him either. But some people have problems coping with these things and maybe he's one of them. Point is, you've been in this relationship a really short time and this looks like it could be a recurring problem. Are you sure you'd be willing to invest yourself completely in a man you've known for less than 3 months who is unfortunately unable or unwilling to rely on you for support? At the risk of sounding cruel, I think this is an opportunity for you to make a break for it. And part of me thinks this is his intent to be honest. Again, just an opinion. I just wanted to convey that maybe you weren't simply used as a FB. Don't feel bad based merely on assumptions, as obvious as they may seem to you. We have a bad habit of seeing what we want to see, and not what is, sometimes. Hope you feel better and emotionally recover soon. 1
Author sunshine2 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 You said he has a child and that his surgeries happened years ago. Maybe his surgeries had something to do with the failure of his relationship with the kid's mother. If that was the case, then it stands to reason that he might have trouble trusting people when he has these issues, thus his petition to be granted some space. I'm not trying to justify him or judge him either. But some people have problems coping with these things and maybe he's one of them. Point is, you've been in this relationship a really short time and this looks like it could be a recurring problem. Are you sure you'd be willing to invest yourself completely in a man you've known for less than 3 months who is unfortunately unable or unwilling to rely on you for support? At the risk of sounding cruel, I think this is an opportunity for you to make a break for it. And part of me thinks this is his intent to be honest. Again, just an opinion. I just wanted to convey that maybe you weren't simply used as a FB. Don't feel bad based merely on assumptions, as obvious as they may seem to you. We have a bad habit of seeing what we want to see, and not what is, sometimes. Hope you feel better and emotionally recover soon. Thank you for reply. You may be right on all levels here. There are many red flags on this short term relationship already and yes I think the best thing to do is to make a break for it! I would hate to be in a LTR with him and have this happen time and time again. Its certainly not fun. Im working on emotionally recovering now. Slept a bit better last night and trying to replace thoughts of him every time they come up to something more pleasant. Again thank you for your reply. 1
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