Marshbear Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 This is my first post and the first time I have been on this "information highway". I am glad to have found it and I hope I can get some valuable info and also give some as well. Here is my problem. About 3 years ago I met a woman at work whose name is "Sara". Sara and I hit it off and became good friends over about a 2 year period. We talked and had a very full-filling friendship. Well, I started to develop feelings for her over time and I also started to tell her about them in little playful ways. She knew I liked her as a friend but would want more if she did also. I should add that she was divorced from her husband when I met her and was not looking for another relationship. I also fought my feeling because she had a ex and also 2 children from him. I wrestled with this for awhile but my feelings won out over the problems this would create. I finally sat down with her and told her I liked her and wanted to know if she felt the same way. She told me she liked me as a friend but nothing more. I told her I would accept this but I needed to think about it to see if I could handle this situation. I finally decided I could not just see her as a friend and it would be better if we became fellow associates. When I told her this she became very upset and said some very nasty things ( like, she does not have any interest in me, my pursuit spoiled our friendship and various other insulting things ). I accepted this but I thought she was out of line and very childish. What she said hurt me deeply and I think this was her intent. I told her I would still speak to her if we saw each other and I hoped we could have some level of communication. Well, she totally would not speak and the hate in her eyes if we saw each other was very evident to see. I did not understand her reaction because she didn't have any romantic interest so it should not be such a problem for her to say hello. I thought things would improve over time so I left her alone and acted as she did to me. Well. this has been going on now for a year. She still will not speak to me and still doesn't like even seeing me. I have accepted her decision but I am at a loss to understand why she still can't get past this situation. She even turns around and goes the other direction if we see each other in the hallway. We occasionally have to go to meetings and if she knows I will be there she will not show up to it. We also have some contact in a business environment and if we happen to be in the same room she will leave. She totally avoids eye contact also and will not even look in my direction. I can handle the situation as it is but it really doesn't have to be this way ( at lest I think so ). It would be so much easier for us both if we could speak ( to reduce the tension) when we are around each other. She seems like this will continue for ever and shows no sign of giving in. I think she is trying to punish me for spoiling our friendship but why she can't get over it is a mystery. Can anyone give me any insight is to her reaction to me....
Gottabestrong Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Dear Marshbear, I am sorry, but I can't give you any insight into her reactions. I think she is way overreacting as you both never had a relationship and she was not the one who asked for more but actually turned you down. I have no idea what her problem is, but I think that you should not feel guilty at all, but just be happy you escaped having a relationship with her. Good luck!
sunshinegirl Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 I have to wonder if you're leaving something out of the story because otherwise her reaction seems way out of proportion to what happened. Especially since you knew her for 2 years prior and didn't mention any evidence of other similar behaviors beforehand. I was in her shoes once, though the guy was just a friend (not a coworker). It was tough to tell him that I wasn't interested, and it set our friendship back for a few months, but we're now back to pretty much normal.
Author Marshbear Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 Thanks Gottabestrong. I too think I escaped a very weird person and and I am glad we didn't get involved. I don't feel guilty but I can't understand why she feels this way. As to your question Sunshine. Yes there is some other things to our relationship which I did not mention but they are not that serious as to explain her behavior. About a month after I told her I couldn't just be her friend I tried to make a truce with her and asked her if we could talk about it. Her response was " I don't think so because you get to mad. She also said for me to think about what I had told her". I should also mention that I knew her before she married her ex ( through a uncle of hers ) so we have a history but I really didn't get to know her until about 3 years ago. At the time before she got married her uncle told me that she was interested in me and that I should ask her out. I did this but she had plans for that weekend but told me to ask her another time. We had lunch a couple of times but I wasn't getting positive vibes from her and kinda stood her up one time. I went back and tried to talk to her but she froze me out and was done with me. When we started working at the same place and I found out she was divorced I guess I thought we might get together. We talked a lot and enjoyed each others company. I even tested her interest in me by talking about another girl I was interested in to see her reaction. Well, she got pissed and told me that a BF she had one time told her about a girl he liked and she got really mad. She said this was a guy she liked and it hurt for him to talk about another girl to her. I took this as interest in me because she got mad when I talked about another girl to her. She did tell me that she was not interested in a relationship when we were talking but just wanted to have sex without obligation because it was safe. This did not appeal to me because I didn't want her to be with other guys and I told her so. She then over time started to change our relationship by shutting me out of her life and avoiding me. When I asked her about this she got mad and said she wasn't changing but it was me with the problem. This was also the time she told me we were friends only. I finally had had enough of her behavior and this was when I told her I couldn't be just her friend. I said I would still speak to her but I couldn't be her buddy. This was when she got so mad and stormed out of lunch ( we ate lunch together ) and then said the nasty remarks to me. She is a difficult person to understand even to her friends. They don't know why she is acting this way after all this time. I do know she was very bitter after the end of our friendship and was mad at everybody. She now seems Al right with everyone but me. A friend of mine told me about a month ago that she actually bristled when we both had to attend a meeting and I came in the room. She will not look in my direction and will not even speak my name to anyone. I hope this helps......
Craig Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 She is crazy and there is no understanding what crazy people do sometimes. Don't waste another second thinking about what could be/could have been--she isn't capable of having a reasonable relationship. Now aren't you ecstatic that you didn't date her?
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