LSMr Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 My girl and I (19 & 21 respectively) had been going out for around 10 months, but she broke things off with me two weeks ago. It's really hit me hard and left me spending a lot of time reflecting over everything. In the breakup she said her reasons were over college pressure and not getting to see me enough leaving her confused, and that this feeling had been bugging her. Now I love this girl to pieces, so of course I told her that even though I believe she's making the wrong move, that this won't help things, that I would give her space to think about what she really wants. Her response was "We'll pick things back up, I promise..." as she stroked my face. But now I'm starting to doubt if I believe her, though I can't be sure this doesn't stem from my own insecurities. Thing is, I know she's been going on tinder since we broke up, and going out drinking a lot. We've been on/off texting since, and didn't talk at all from Wednesday 'til last night where we facetimed. I told her what I'd been thinking about, and that I think we need to work on talking things through with each other as it's something we still haven't really done through our relationship. But she could only say that she wasn't ready to get back into having a relationship yet. It was quite clear she was more ready to listen than to do any talking herself. Other than that we chatted for about an hour as if things were completely normal, as if nothing had changed. So, I sit here more confused than ever. One half of me says "Dude, you love the girl, support her through this and if it's meant to happen you'll be back together in a couple of months" The other side of me thinks I should focus on myself instead of her, and if she wants to be with me then she'll show it for herself. It seems like a bit of a russian-roulette ultimatum, throwing the dice isn't something I wanna do over someone that I truly care for and has had such an impact on my life in such a short space of time Any thoughts?
Ruby65 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 The problem is, as she's already told you, she wants to be single and free to date other guys -- and her actions back this up. She broke up with you, she's been on dating sites, she's out drinking and socializing (not home alone pining over you.) You're trying to hold on to someone who doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. And ironically, by being there as her safety net, you're actually making yourself less attractive to her. Ten months of dating isn't a marriage commitment. You don't owe her a lifetime of loyalty, you don't owe her throwing yourself on the sword and sucking it up while she goes off and dates whoever, hoping and waiting for her to come back to you someday.... nope. IF she ever changes her mind, you won't have to do a thing to make it happen -- she'll do all the work. She'll realize it on her own and come back asking for another chance. You're not doing anyone any favors by hanging around as her Plan B option, suffering and waiting while she's out enjoying herself. Accept the breakup. Wish her the best and walk away. Then focus on YOU, on your healing, on your life. There IS someone waiting for you out there, I'm guessing someone much much better suited to you than this girl. 1
mammasita Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 She doesn't want you or a relationship. Harsh truth. Everything she says and does at this point is to ease her guilt and keep you waiting in the wings in case nothing else pans out. Now, ask yourself if you want to be that fall back guy or if you want to man up, leave her in your past and find a woman who WANTS TO BE WITH YOU.
Author LSMr Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 I'm starting to believe you're right... Despite how nice it was chatting to her Sunday night, her actions over the past couple days are in complete contrast. I tried texting her twice Monday only to get no response. When I asked today if we could talk, she flaked out, gave me an excuse, and then later asked if she could come pick her guitar up. I didn't reply. I think going NC is my only option here. If she should ask what's up, I will explain that I'm not going to wait for her to realise her mistake (which I do believe she will, when I'm not there anymore). She did tell me she had this thought a couple days after the BU... There's so much going on in other areas of my life right now, and it's irrational of me to be thinking that this love is THE love for me, no matter how much I want that to be the case. I will get stronger and live my life, with or without her. My only fear at this stage, is that this feeling that's starting to grow in me now will turn to anger. I don't want to be a **** to her when we do inevitably speak at some point, as that'll only be destructive for the both of us. Do you have any tips on what my focus should be during any communication between us?
Ruby65 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 First, immediately return the guitar and anything else of hers that you have so there's no longer any *legitimate* reasons for future contact. Then, yes.... sorry but it's best to let this one go. As for the anger, sadly that's part of the process. Check out the Stages of Grief model online.... you'll see there are 5 stages that most people go through when processing a loss. Anger is one of the stages.... as is Bargaining, when you're trying to negotiate your way back in. You'll probably vacillate from anger to sadness and a bunch of other feelings as well.... you're only human. Most important right now is to cut off contact -- to shield yourself from any fresh new pain coming down the pike if you maintain contact. It's only a matter of time before she's dating someone else -- do you really want to be around to see that? So, no -- no tips on how to "act" during any future contact. You should simply wish her the best and let her know you need time with no contact so you can heal and move on. She's not going to miss you if you don't go away! For you, contact is a lose/lose. It keeps you from healing and it keeps her from missing you. For her, contact is a win/win. She gets the comfort of having you in her life while she transitions to singlehood and she gets to keep you around as a Plan B option in case it doesn't work out with anyone else. Basically, every time you have contact with her, you're holding her hand and helping her to get over you. You're making it easier for her and helping her feel less guilty and less lonely.... while she looks for her next boyfriend.
quattrob Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I'm starting to believe you're right... Despite how nice it was chatting to her Sunday night, her actions over the past couple days are in complete contrast. I tried texting her twice Monday only to get no response. When I asked today if we could talk, she flaked out, gave me an excuse, and then later asked if she could come pick her guitar up. I didn't reply. I think going NC is my only option here. If she should ask what's up, I will explain that I'm not going to wait for her to realise her mistake (which I do believe she will, when I'm not there anymore). She did tell me she had this thought a couple days after the BU... There's so much going on in other areas of my life right now, and it's irrational of me to be thinking that this love is THE love for me, no matter how much I want that to be the case. I will get stronger and live my life, with or without her. My only fear at this stage, is that this feeling that's starting to grow in me now will turn to anger. I don't want to be a **** to her when we do inevitably speak at some point, as that'll only be destructive for the both of us. Do you have any tips on what my focus should be during any communication between us? You are still young so I can understand your worries. You might feel anger and resentment towards her, this is all normal. Your emotions are protecting yourself from hurt. It is ok to be angry but try to not to be rude to her. This is why before you can have any form of good communication, you need to go NC and get to a point where you've moved on. If you don't do this, you're just holding on to a hope that 99% of the time is foolish. Don't wait for someone to figure out if she wants you or not. The fact is she left you and doesn't want to be with you. Perhaps she'll come back to you once she realizes something, but by then you'll probably look at her differently and you probably won't take her back.
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Get her to come and get her stuff, and move on to a better girl. The right one won't play games like that.
Author LSMr Posted February 20, 2015 Author Posted February 20, 2015 So she called me out yesterday for having re-activated Tinder, I called her out for having had it this entire time in response. Her reaction was "Only 'because the girls have it, it's banter / a laugh". Her tone in her texts keeps giving me mixed signals, sometimes it seems jealous, sometimes friendly, other times idgaf. Maybe I'm over-reading them because I want to see something... I've told her she can come and collect her stuff next week, I just hope I can keep the poker-face strong... That'll be the last time we speak for a while. There is a night out in around 4 weeks that we'll both be going to, so I suppose we'll see if she comes over to talk to me there. Otherwise, I'll just have to learn to accept that this chapter has finished and start writing the next one :\ Thank you for your advice/support
Ruby65 Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 As long as you stay in contact, you'll continue to get treated as an option -- and receive what seems like *mixed signals* from her. I'm sure she'd much rather have you stick around than face dating without a safety net.
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