Dating a gamer

[GravityMan]

Hobbies (even one or two hobbies that he's hardcore about...yes, that includes video games) = good

Passions = good

Obsessions (about anything...video games, football, other people, cats, liberals, strawberries, weed, etc.) = very, very bad

 

Having hobbies, passions and perhaps even a bit of "me time" are essential parts of what constitute a well-rounded, balanced person. I also don't think there's anything wrong with someone having an occasional means of escapism...as long as it doesn't interfere with his life responsibilities (social and otherwise). Obsessions on the other hand can be destructive to a person's romantic, platonic, familial and professional relationships.

 

Based on what you wrote, OP...it doesn't quite seem like your BF's gaming is in "obsession" territory. However, I also think that he's being rather inconsiderate by gaming so late at night while you're trying to sleep. The well-being of the relationship and his GF's feelings should take priority over any solitary hobby. Him wearing headphones doesn't matter; this is not merely a "noise" issue. I understand that he doesn't have to get up early for work, but nevertheless the whole "he's losing sleep" stuff is an issue...yeah he may be doing fine now at work/gym/etc...BUT insufficient sleep has a tendency of catching up to a person health-wise once he gets into his 30s and beyond. It can eventually lead to increased stress, crankiness or moodiness.

 

Have a sit-down chat with him about his late-night gaming. Be serious but not accusatory...the idea is to come to a compromise that is genuinely satisfying for both of you, not get into a fight about it. Emphasis on "mutually satisfying compromise"...you don't want him to turn into a doormat just to quickly sweep this problem under the rug. If you two can't arrive to a decent compromise for this, then that doesn't bode well for getting on the same page about even more serious subjects down the road, such as finances (esp. if you marry this guy).

 

As for him gaming as a means to "avoid deepening the relationship"...there's no way to know for sure but based on what you wrote, I seriously doubt it. (If he starts acting distant, restless, distracted, or worst of all - passive-aggressive...then that's a bigger concern.) Most gamers, myself included, started gaming between the ages of 5 and 10. Also, there are couples and families out there that have bonded closer together partially due to games.

 

I'm just thinking that your boyfriend is almost, but not quite there when it comes to maturity.

 

The bigger concern here is that he wasn't up-front with the extent of his gaming habits from the beginning, and that he gets cagey when you ask him about it. That's a sign of insecurity. And, assuming this isn't his first relationship, it makes me wonder about his prior relationship experience...in particular, whether his gaming had something to do with the deterioration and breakup of his last relationship. If it is his first rodeo, then well...maybe your talk with him can lead to him having a learning experience about priorities with regards to the relationship.

[PegNosePete]

My issue is more along the lines of, is gaming a way for him to not have to deepen our relationship? To keep me at arm's length and avoid emotional intimacy?

I would say, that you have "cause" and "effect" backwards.

 

I very much doubt that he is gaming as a way of avoiding emotional intimacy.

 

He has an addiction and the effect of his choices (ie. shooting things rather than being with you), is that your relationship is lacking emotional intimacy and it seems like he's keeping you at arms length.

[Omei]

He's a gamer I dont think there's going to be a underlaying discovery here.

 

It was inconsiderate to play when you're supposed to be spending time together but night time is his game time and it will always be, you can talk to him and im sure he'll settle it down to impress you but make no mistake the future if you lived together he will be gaming in the night. He prob didnt even realize what he was doing might have seemed inconsiderate to him its him enjoying his free time and hes prob not going to stop gaming less for anyone. Hell prob tell you to just not sleep over if hes not going to join you in bed you might as well not so you can get a good sleep at home.

 

The reason why he may of not of been upfront about it is because gamers pretty much know the issues it causes in a relationship.

 

You can ask him to play less but in the end he will be unhappy with how hes going to feel game restricted

People who dont game don't make good partners for those that do they need someone who will join in with them or play as much as they do so when hours of gameplay has gone by neither parties are upset about it.

 

When I was in hardcore gamage the time my ex spent on it didn't bother me when I decided I wanted more from life activity wise it caused a lot of issues and id be told "you knew this about me when we started because you changed doesnt mean I have to make the same change" and tbh thats pretty true.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Omei

[Els]

It was inconsiderate to play when you're supposed to be spending time together but night time is his game time and it will always be, you can talk to him and im sure he'll settle it down to impress you but make no mistake the future if you lived together he will be gaming in the night. He prob didnt even realize what he was doing might have seemed inconsiderate to him its him enjoying his free time and hes prob not going to stop gaming less for anyone. Hell prob tell you to just not sleep over if hes not going to join you in bed you might as well not so you can get a good sleep at home.

 

Not necessarily. When he lived alone, my SO would sometimes play late into the night, but after we started living together, he usually stops when I go to bed and goes to bed with me. It's been a few years now, so I doubt this is just 'early behaviour to impress'.

 

Not everyone prioritizes gaming over a relationship. To be honest someone who declines sleepovers with his gf just to be able to play games all the time, would be what I would call an addict, not just a gamer. We don't know which way the OP's bf is, though - you may or may not be correct in his case.

Edited February 19, 2015 by Elswyth

[Omei]

Not necessarily. When he lived alone, my SO would sometimes play late into the night, but after we started living together, he usually stops when I go to bed and goes to bed with me. It's been a few years now, so I doubt this is just 'early behaviour to impress'.

 

Not everyone prioritizes gaming over a relationship. To be honest someone who declines sleepovers with his gf just to be able to play games all the time, would be what I would call an addict, not just a gamer. We don't know which way the OP's bf is, though - you may or may not be correct in his case.

 

You could be right but I have to ask did your SO do that totally on his own without your asking or you expressing you would prefer he did? My ex slept with me too im going to use the same word as you *usually but I would have to ask my ex was an addict and eventually he fell into that habit but it wasn't without discussion. So many times on games I hear "guys the gfs going to sleep I g2g" aka if i dont she"ll be upset with me.

 

To be fair tho I dont think people in relationships need to go to bed at the same time, sleep when your tired, eat when your hungry...etc

 

I think OP's guy may be an addict too having a girl stay overnight in your bed and you play video games when you could do that the other 6 nights of the week when shes not there screams addict to me.

Edited February 19, 2015 by Omei

[losangelena]

I think OP's guy may be an addict too having a girl stay overnight in your bed and you play video games when you could do that the other 6 nights of the week when shes not there screams addict to me.

 

You know, I'm not sure. After-all, this was:

 

After three full days of not playing at all while I was over

During such time as I had work to do on my laptop, so was busy anyway

After we jointly determined that neither of us felt like going out again Sunday night

After he asked if I minded if he played and I said no I don't

 

Again, it's not that he plays at all that I mind. What I'm pondering is what the extent of this hobby is, and if it's a sign of emotional closed-off-ness and how that bodes for the continuation of the relationship. I'm especially sensitive to gaming, because my own dad went through a period of video game addiction.

 

Side note: he told me last night he went to a club to watch a jazz band—a good sign, considering he could have just stayed home and gamed. It seems to me, if there's something else going on during an evening, he'll go do it. I've also told him I don't mind if he wants to spend some of our time together doing our own thing, as we're both introverted, and I personally don't mind doing things side-by-side, or in different rooms or whatever.

 

What I explicitly minded last Sunday is that it kept me awake, despite the use of a fan for white noise (it hadn't the week before, I suppose I was more tired that night), and the fact that he downplayed exactly how much he played when we first met.

 

To respond to a different poster, this is his first relationship. He just turned 31. His friends tell me that before he hit the gym last year to bulk up, he lacked any kind of confidence to meet women. Because of that, I don't know if a lot of his behavior is due to either:

 

inexperience

insecurity

disinterest

unavailability

 

I also know, and have said before, that I'm not the most emotionally open person, either. That's something that I'm working on. I also know that a lot will be resolved if I speak to him and tell him that his playing keeps me awake—after all, he can't know it bothers me unless I tell him. I simply have not seen him since Monday morning to have a proper conversation about it. All I know is that unless we can come to some sort of compromise about it, I won't be spending the night at his place on another Sunday.

 

Thanks again for all the input, everyone!

Edited February 19, 2015 by losangelena

[Omei]

You know, I'm not sure. After-all, this was:

 

After three full days of not playing at all while I was over

During such time as I had work to do on my laptop, so was busy anyway

After we jointly determined that neither of us felt like going out again Sunday night

After he asked if I minded if he played and I said no I don't

 

Again, it's not that he plays at all that I mind. What I'm pondering is what the extent of this hobby is, and if it's a sign of emotional closed-off-ness and how that bodes for the continuation of the relationship. I'm especially sensitive to gaming, because my own dad went through a period of video game addiction.

 

Side note: he told me last night he went to a club to watch a jazz band—a good sign, considering he could have just stayed home and gamed. It seems to me, if there's something else going on during an evening, he'll go do it. I've also told him I don't mind if he wants to spend some of our time together doing our own thing, as we're both introverted, and I personally don't mind doing things side-by-side, or in different rooms or whatever.

 

What I explicitly minded last Sunday is that it kept me awake, despite the use of a fan for white noise (it hadn't the week before, I suppose I was more tired that night), and the fact that he downplayed exactly how much he played when we first met.

 

To respond to a different poster, this is his first relationship. He just turned 31. His friends tell me that before he hit the gym last year to bulk up, he lacked any kind of confidence to meet women. Because of that, I don't know if a lot of his behavior is due to either:

 

inexperience

insecurity

disinterest

unavailability

 

I also know, and have said before, that I'm not the most emotionally open person, either. That's something that I'm working on. I also know that a lot will be resolved if I speak to him and tell him that his playing keeps me awake—after all, he can't know it bothers me unless I tell him. I simply have not seen him since Monday morning to have a proper conversation about it. All I know is that unless we can come to some sort of compromise about it, I won't be spending the night at his place on another Sunday.

 

Thanks again for all the input, everyone!

 

Sounds like you answered your own questions by observation.

 

One thing tho if its his first relationship you're going to find many things he won't take into consideration regarding you and its not going to be because he doesn't care he will just be really unaware. That at times could be hard to deal with.

 

Ive dated many guys as me being their first gf and thats the one thing thats always the same they're still slightly set in their selfish ways so try to be patient. Just saying this as a tip might help im the future

Edited February 19, 2015 by Omei

[losangelena]

Sounds like you answered your own questions by observation.

 

One thing tho if its his first relationship you're going to find many things he won't take into consideration regarding you and its not going to be because he doesn't care he will just be really unaware. That at times could be hard to deal with.

 

LOL

 

It already has been I quickly had to realize that nothing he was doing was intentionally inconsiderate, he just had no clue. Which, on the one hand is frustrating, but it's also forcing me to learn how to be very direct (yet gentle) in my communication and stating wants and needs. I'm not good at that (everyone has a weakness), but I'm realizing that for the sake of the relationship (not to mention my mental health), it needs to happen.

 

Also, I know that I always have the option to step away if I don't want to deal with this kind of relationship anymore.

[smackie9]

A strong woman needs to be strong for her relationship and make sure her wants and needs are met as well as his.

Sounds to me you both just need to "adjust" into this relationship, which is perfectly normal. Now that you see that he isn't this emotionally detatched jerk, but a nice guy with promise, you do have something to work with.

[losangelena]

A strong woman needs to be strong for her relationship and make sure her wants and needs are met as well as his.

Sounds to me you both just need to "adjust" into this relationship, which is perfectly normal. Now that you see that he isn't this emotionally detatched jerk, but a nice guy with promise, you do have something to work with.

 

I totally agree with you. And several people have said the same thing, that these are "growing pains."

 

For the record, I've never, ever thought my BF was an uncaring jerk—never. And I never meant to portray him that way, either. In expressing my concerns, I didn't intend for it to sound like I was complaining, because I was not. He's a great guy with promise—but whether he's the one for me, that remains to be seen.

 

If you'll allow me to fret a bit, I now find myself feeling like he may be pulling away a bit.

 

I already know this is going to sound stupid, so bear with me.

 

Monday morning, after he was up until 3:00 playing video games, I had to get up at 7:00 to work (one of my jobs is as a freelance copy editor). I was tired, and still worrying/pondering the gaming, so was a bit cranky and knew I wasn't in the best place to have any kind of decent conversation.

 

He got up at about 8:30 and asked A) are you going into work today (yes; I have two jobs), and B) when do you need to be there? (10:00). So, at about 9:00, he goes into the bathroom, and after he's in there a while, I begin to fret, because I know we need to leave by 9:30 or else i could potentially be late for work.

 

Anyway, he finally showers and gets out of the bathroom at 9:20 and asks if I'm going to take a shower. I snapped at him a little bit and was like, there's no time, we only have 10 minutes. I was annoyed that he monopolized the bathroom time, and on top of that was still tired from the night before and just not in the best of moods. I know he sensed that, but I just couldn't bring myself to bring it up, knowing that I would get super emotional.

 

Caveat: I know some of you will say, "well why didn't you get into the bathroom sooner? Why didn't you tell him you needed to be in there before he went in?" Well first, I was working, and secondly, jeebus, why can't the guy ever be expected to ASK? I feel like it's straight common decency to be like, "hey, it's 9:00 and we need to leave by 9:30. Maybe I shouldn't take 20 minutes in the bathroom."

 

Anyway, he drove me to work, I could tell he was nervous, and he kept putting his hand on my knee. I wasn't feeling terribly generous, but because I didn't have to ability to say something about it and keep my cool, I just put my hand on his leg as a way of saying, hey we're on the same team, it's fine.

 

When he dropped me off, I asked when we're going to see each other next, and he said, "I don't know," and then, "it depends on when you're available." I said I was busy Friday, but was free pretty much the rest of the week.

 

Tuesday, he sent me a photo of a box from Amazon saying, "something came today, and this time it's for you." I thought it was cute. We joked around about what it could be. I think it's the free weight set he got me as a belated xmas gift, but when I asked if it was very heavy, he said, "not really."

 

Then he asked what I was up to that evening, and I said I was going to a friend's house for dinner. Then I said I was free Wed/Thurs night if he wanted to hang out then instead, and he said sure. We talked about maybe going to see Birdman.

 

Wednesday, I hadn't heard from him much, but sent a video of puppies going down slides (we share a love of cute animals), and several hours later he got back to me saying, sorry it's been a busy day. He asked what I was up to and I said I didn't have any plans. Then he said his elbow had been hurting and that he had some work to do later, but that I was "free to come over, if I wanted." I said I would love to come, but I didn't have my overnight bag, and that weeknights were better planned ahead at least a day, so I could be ready. It takes me over an hour to get there by public transit, so it was not feasible for me to run home, get my overnight bag, and come back. Also, even though he's said I can stay over anytime I want, it's still his place, and I'm not going to simply invite myself over.

 

Anyway, I said, what about tomorrow (Thursday), and he said, sure that should work, but I think I'm just going to stay in, that his elbow was hurting and that (ironically) he was wanting to get up early for work. So I said, well do you want to make dinner at least, or just wait til the weekend, and he said, I think it'd be better to wait.

 

So, I KNOW I'm 99% sure I'm overreacting, but to me it feels like he's pulling away. Like, what about an injured elbow and needing to get up for work is precluding him from spending time with me? And I'm thinking, did he get turned off because of my attitude on Monday morning? Is that a break-up-able offense? But then I'm like, why show me the gift that came, and ask to spend time with him Tuesday and Wednesday, if he was losing interest? He's really only pushing me off a couple of days. Logically, that doesn't sound like a guy who's looking to break up, I don't think. Today, we chatted for a bit and I asked how his elbow was doing, and he said it felt better, but was going to need a few more days to heal. Of course, in my head I'm interpreting that as, "I won't end up seeing you this weekend, either."

 

Ugh, I absolutely hate that my brain works this way. My fear is that, as he gets to know the "realer me," he's not going to be able to handle what he sees, and that he's going to just ... fade out. My therapist said it sounds like I'm creating in my mind reasons for why he shouldn't care about me. It's true, and I hate that I do that. But still, this is quite a sudden change of pattern.

 

At this point, I'm just going to give him space. Part of me wants to tell him that I miss him, but maybe he just needs a couple of days to himself and he'll swing around again and everything will be fine.

 

Thanks for reading this. I'm sorry I sound so neurotic and probably completely out of touch. Please be gentle in your feedback. I don't need snark or people telling me I'm stupid. I know I have relationship anxiety. I see a therapist once a week. I'm working on it. I know that also need to practice asserting my needs and wants more in a relationship, too. I want to be better at that.

 

No one else seems alarmed or thinks he's going to just disappear. Besides, a jacket and those free weights are at his place—I still need to go over there at some point.

 

Thanks.

[losangelena]

To add:

 

This has happened once before, several months ago. I opened up to him about some stuff about me, which he said he was fine about, but of course I didn't know if that was true or if he was just being nice. He ended up being sick the rest of the week, and I was so freaked that he was pulling away. I ended up seeing him a few days after, once he was feeling well and everything was fine.

 

If we hadn't had that bad morning this past Monday, I don't think I'd worry about what's happening now.

 

I guess it's the sudden change in routine that has me freaked. Last year, I went out with a guy a few times who, the night before, was telling me how much he liked me and all that jazz, just to get distant the very next day and simply fade out (we hadn't even had sex). My BF and I have been seeing each other almost six months, so I guess that's less likely to happen, I'm just so scared.

Edited February 20, 2015 by losangelena