Dating a gamer

[MissBee]

Gaming is in the eye of the beholder. If you are not a gamer, you shouldn't really date a gamer because gaming is a part of life. He plays late because that is the only time when he can play. I do the same myself because at night I'm watching TV with my husband. Since he plays on a consol and can't use text chat, may I suggest you try using ear plugs. You can pick them up at any hardware store or safety supply. See if that helps.

 

 

I think this is a good point. Here, gaming is a lifestyle choice and a huge part of life, versus a casual thing you do sometimes. I have never dated a gamer. I have dated men who occasionally play games but it's not their lifestyle choice and they don't consider themselves in those terms because it's not a huge chunk of their free time. Actually, losenga, I did date one guy who played video games a lot during a period where he was having lots of stress and emotional issues and it was an escape and he was emotionally unavailable for that time. We broke up. But yes, in his case he never used to do it but when he got stressed it was his "drug of choice" so to speak to forget, and like all addicts, every other relationship comes second to the game.

 

I watch Netflix (as someone else mentioned as an example), it's not a lifestyle choice though which is the big difference. I generally do so when I am alone, not while I'm with a SO. It is something casual and if I'm with a SO (especially one I don't live with like in your case) I'm not going to ignore them to watch Netflix. If you lived together I'd sort of understand but when you don't and the person comes over and like you said you don't stay over all that much, then it's strange you have to be up all night playing a game.

 

However, short of it is: if this is his lifestyle choice and it doesn't sit well with you, weigh if it is something you can deal with or not. I think worrying that it may point to escapism and emotional unavailability is legit. Many people are addicted to things like video games, Facebook, porn, the game Second Life, I mean there are all kinds of things like that which dominate people's times where the escape into that virtual world of the game, porn, FB, Second Life, or whatever it is overrides all other forms of intimate engagement.

 

Also, I find it absurd that people think that not wanting to be with someone who plays video games for hours esp when you're trying to sleep means you don't want them to have hobbies and just be all about the relationship...that is ridiculous. I have lots of hobbies and obligations and date men who have a life and hobbies...guess what though? My hobbies don't keep them up at night where they are forced to wear earplugs because of my hobby and I do my hobbies on my own time not when we're together hanging out.

Edited February 17, 2015 by MissBee

[Els]

My SO and I both game.

 

That being said, you certainly should not be content with 'playing second fiddle to gaming'. Like any other hobby, it shouldn't take over someone's life. And in relationships, typically some sort of compromise is needed.

 

So I guess the question is, ARE you playing second fiddle to his games? The way you describe your relationship, he still spends time with you and goes out with you on dates. The only actual negative things you've mentioned in this post are that he declined going out again that night, and that he stays up late gaming. IMO the second is a valid point, but the first is really not a big deal, as it's quite common for people, especially homebodies, to not want to go out twice a night.

 

So, about him staying up late... I don't think you necessarily need to get on his case for playing til 3am, if it isn't affecting his work. Lots of late shift or work-from-home people stay up late into the night. But if it affects YOU because his noise makes it difficult for you to sleep, then there needs to be compromises made. Given that you don't live together, this one is fairly easy - he shouldn't stay up til 3am playing on the nights that you are there with him.

 

If/when you live together then probably there will either need to be further compromises made for weekday nights, or you decide you aren't compatible at that point. Some of my old guildmates would say they couldn't use Ventrilo (the program typically used for voice communication in games) because their partner was sleeping so they didn't want to wake them, and that sounded like a good compromise to me.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Hook him up with BlackOpsZombieGirl.

 

 

 

Well, I've dated a gamer (who is now my ex-boyfriend) and was in a relationship with him for six years before I broke up with him last August. His gaming wasn't why I broke up with him; but that's another topic altogether.

 

I didn't mind my ex's gaming because I was/am a gamer myself. The only time I did mind was for the reason you stated - when you were trying to get some sleep to get up for work the next morning. There were a few times when he was between jobs and he would take special measures to "try" to make it as quiet for me as possible so I could fall asleep while he played on his xbox. However, even though he lowered the brightness on the flat screen, completely muted the volume of the game itself, he did wear headphones. And whenever a player pissed him off, did something in error during gameplay or whenever they did something that was funny to him, he would either yell at them, talk really loud or laugh loudly.

 

One night, he got pissy when I asked him to please STOP playing and turn the damn thing off so I could get some sleep. I had to wake up at 5:30am!! He turned it off but I could tell he had an attitude towards me. Oh well. But, when he started working again and it was HE that went to bed early and it was HE that had to wake up early, *I* had to be quiet - and he got pissy whenever I made any noise(s) that awoke him from his precious slumber. Good thing that he didn't make a habit of gaming on weeknights too often. I guess he finally understood how disruptive it was of him to game in our bedroom while I was trying to sleep. I told him he couldn't game in the livingroom (where the other tv was) because then his yelling and laughing would've woken up my two kids who were also trying to go to sleep because they had to wake up for school the next morning.

 

Are you a gamer? If not, then um...idk if things are going to work out between you and this guy. If you are a gamer, then maybe you two can compromise, like me and my ex did. I LOVE gaming (and so did/does he), so, I think our love for gaming was one of the things that made our relationship fun to be in. There were a few times when he managed to play very quietly (while he voiced on the headset) while I was able to fall to sleep. The measures that I saw him take on those nights to make sure it was quiet enough for me to sleep endeared me to him...and it let me know that he really cared about making his late night gaming as quiet for me as he possibly could. Thinking about it now, I do miss gaming with him. Although he could be somewhat bossy and condescending at times while we played games together, most of the time it was a lot of fun. I loved playing in a virtual world with him, whether we were sitting right next to each other or whether we were 800 miles apart (we had a LDR before he moved to the state I live in).

 

I think it was inconsiderate of him for him to tell you that he was "too tired" to go out for a few drinks with you at the bar but then he had no problem staying up until the wee hours of the morning gaming. Um, he didn't want to hang out with you - he was more interested in gaming (and talking to other people on the headset). It's a good idea for you to observe him a bit longer before arriving at a conclusion as to whether you should dump this guy or keep him around in your life. If he continuously shows you that he'd rather spend time on his gaming life than in spending time with YOU in real life; then you're either going to have to live with it (he's NOT going to change and will NEVER give up gaming! j/s) or you're going to have to dump him and look for a guy who isn't a hardcore gamer like your current bf is.

 

Good luck and let us know what you decide with regard to keeping him around or dumping him.

[losangelena]

Hook him up with BlackOpsZombieGirl.

 

Sure I'll be accused to be uptight, but posts like this are not helpful.

[PegNosePete]

If he has a regular "gaming night" then that's one thing, but if it's just pick-up-and-play then he is prioritizing gaming over you, and by organizing your life around that. you're enabling him.

 

We don't live together, so on nights he knows he's gonna play, I can just not stay there.

You've got that backwards. On nights that you want to stay over, he can just not play. I'm sure he has plenty of playing time when you're not staying over.

 

My concern and questions are more along the lines of, is this the sign of someone who's emotionally unavailable for a relationship?

It is a sign of someone who'd rather shoot his mates than snuggle up with his gf. I would talk to him about his priorities and how it makes you feel. I am an avid gamer, and I would never stay up until 3am when my gf is (potentially naked) in bed!

[Gaeta]

How old is he?

 

When I met my ex-husband he spent a lot of times watching sports on tv and playing video games all night long. When we were in our 20s it was not a big deal because at that age you can stay up all night and get up the following day and be energized enough to have a nice day doing things together.

 

Then we got married and got older. Here is what our life looked like: He played all night till 3 a.m., went to bed, got up after 3 hours of sleep and went to work. After work he'd get home and fall asleep on the couch. I'd get home at 6 pm to a husband sleeping on the couch and a daughter eating cup cakes. I was unable to wake him up for dinner and he slept through dinner and through the evening. He'd wake up around 9-10 pm and got back to playing games. It was worse on weekends, he basically slept during the days and played all night.

 

When I left him he was horrified and I said of course you didn't see it coming, you slept through our 15 years of marriage.

 

So, my point is, it's not that huge of a problem now but if you are planning on marrying this man and having children together, I'd think twice about it if I were you. He won't always be young and full of energy to keep up this life style and you will be the one paying for it.

[smackie9]

It's like any other addiction. Yes, you have to be that type of person who becomes addicted to begin with, just like alcoholics and drug addicts. Other people can do things in moderation or even in excess and then quit. It's all about escaping and anesthetizing so you don't have to feel anything real. In addition, gaming gives you a completely false sense of empowerment, which makes it more addicting in many ways than substances alone. Anything done to excess amounts to the same thing. It's addiction, plain and simple. Like any other. All gamers who put gaming above the real things in their life are addicts. They let it disrupt their relationships, as it has done here, and sometimes work and everything else.

 

I have been gaming for about 11 years, and I'm going to be 51 this year. I play because it's a form of cheap entertainment, and it keeps my middle age brain sharp, because it challenges me. I don't have that type of ego that it makes me feel "empowered" or I "lose myself". I'm still able to be a human being, cook dinner for my husband, perform properly at my job, and keep a normal social life. And I work with a lot of people who are gamers and they are able to maintain their marriages and support their family just fine.

 

Just because you had one bad experience doesn't mean the rest of the billions of people who play world wide are in danger. If it were so the whole world economy would collapse and the social structure of man kind wouldn't exist anymore.

 

The OP's BF is just a normal guy enjoying his hobby. If he had a problem he wouldn't have met her, he would be too busy playing to go out and date.

[preraph]

When it interferes with the rest of your life or supplants it, it's no different from gambling or shopping addiction. You just told me that it isn't interfering with YOUR life, but it is clearly interfering in the OP's life, who is questioning whether she can live being second to gaming. And she shouldn't, and no one should. If a person is playing hours and hours a day, then you can't very well say it's cheap entertainment since they could be working instead and bringing in another paycheck but for wasting all that time.

[Standard-Fare]

I think a lot of this will boil down to your fundamental attitude about "gaming" itself.

 

We can all agree that hobbies are healthy and important, and that both parties in a relationship should be allowed their time to pursue them. But if you fundamentally don't understand and respect the hobby itself, that's going to be an issue.

 

For me, gaming would be a problem because, being honest, I don't necessarily respect it as a defining hobby for grown adults. Sure, maybe 3-4 hours a week as a way of letting off steam, that's fine. But if it's eating up hours and hours of the week, if it's their main outlet for stress, if they're staying up til 3 am for it... that's not for me.

 

But I recognize this has to do with my own attitude toward gaming. If the partner had a hobby I respected more, like running or another sport, or art, music, etc., I'd be fine with it.

 

So, OP, I guess you have to figure out your attitudes toward gaming and whether you can respect that as a consuming hobby.

[preraph]

I would also just add for the parents sitting around playing games for hours on end, is this what you want for your children? Is this who you want to groom them to be? Because you're modeling this behavior for them when you could be working more hours and bringing in more money that you could use (or doing almost anything else, such as a physical activity) to improve your family's quality of life.

[losangelena]

Hey thanks everyone.

 

I don't have an attitude about gaming in and of itself. He's well-rounded. He goes to the gym, is into photography, bar trivia, etc. I also have other friends who game.

 

I'll reiterate again, because some people seem to be missing this point—my issue here is NOT that he games. Cool, honey, game. My issue is more along the lines of, is gaming a way for him to not have to deepen our relationship? To keep me at arm's length and avoid emotional intimacy?

 

Of course, I know the answer is to talk to him about this. He doesn't think there's anything weird about how much he plays, so I'm expecting this to be something of an uphill battle.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I think if you lived together you would need to accommodate his gaming and he would have to probably make some compromises for you but since you are dating and from your OP I get that you don't stay over all that much I think it is NOT appropriate for him to be gaming instead of spending that particular time with you, or interfering with sleep either!! PS I have no problem with gaming and I know a person can be a gamer and still function right in a relationship!!

[lovexocoach]

If gaming is not the issue then the only question you have to ask yourself if whether you're happy in the relationship the way it is or do you want or need more from it?

 

 

If you're happy the way things are and you don't need anything more from him then his gaming "addiction" doesn't seem to be an issue or the issue.

 

 

If you're not happy with the way things are and his gaming is infringing on your getting what you want from the relationship, then it seems to me it is an issue.

[Standard-Fare]

My issue is more along the lines of, is gaming a way for him to not have to deepen our relationship? To keep me at arm's length and avoid emotional intimacy?

 

My guess is the opposite -- that it's a time-consuming hobby he's consciously trying (and maybe struggling) to cut back on for the sake of the relationship. My guess is if you weren't there this weekend he would have spent the majority of it gaming.

 

I would keep that possibility in mind for the way you approach this. If he already feels like he's holding back on his natural habits for your sake, he'll probably resent any suggestion of criticism.

 

But the real question for YOU to figure out is, has this just been a temporary effort to "be good" and hide his habits, that will just end up cracking at some point? Or is this a conscious lifestyle change that he's committed to?

[gaius]

I don't necessarily think he's addicted. The friends he plays with tend to be on at that time. Plus, he can go long periods without playing. Maybe that's not an indication of anything, I don't know.

 

Again, it's not the fact that he plays that bothers me. We don't live together, so on nights he knows he's gonna play, I can just not stay there. My concern and questions are more along the lines of, is this the sign of someone who's emotionally unavailable for a relationship? He has so many other great qualities, that I hope against hope that it's a hobby and nothing more, but when he plays, I do get memories of when my dad played, and knowing how unavailable he was, and I get anxious that I'm still carrying on in my habit of being attracted to unavailable men.

Maybe a little bit, but I don't think you should have to strive toward this therapeutic ideal of what a relationship should be. =/ You have a history of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men, but you've found one who can manage a job fine, comes up with a decent valentines day for you, I'm assuming your sex life is fine too since I don't see you complaining about that.

 

Basically he's available to the point you're managing to have a pretty decent relationship and the base attraction is still there for you. Which is a good thing. Don't let what you think you're supposed to have start messing up the good thing you do have in your head. =/

[Gaeta]

My issue is more along the lines of, is gaming a way for him to not have to deepen our relationship? To keep me at arm's length and avoid emotional intimacy?

 

Lets say the answer is no, that your boyfriend has no problem with emotional intimacy. What does it change? Not much. He is still spending hours playing that game and letting you go to bed on your own.

 

I have this mental picture of a man sitting in front of his tv playing video games for hours with dirty dishes around him, 2 day beard, sweaty from not showering, deeply concentrated in his game and next to him his girlfriend proudly saying: We have an amazing relationship, my boyfriend is not afraid of emotional connection.

 

Sure he can be emotionally open and available but he's busy by his obsession.

[smackie9]

Hey thanks everyone.

 

I don't have an attitude about gaming in and of itself. He's well-rounded. He goes to the gym, is into photography, bar trivia, etc. I also have other friends who game.

 

I'll reiterate again, because some people seem to be missing this point—my issue here is NOT that he games. Cool, honey, game. My issue is more along the lines of, is gaming a way for him to not have to deepen our relationship? To keep me at arm's length and avoid emotional intimacy?

 

Of course, I know the answer is to talk to him about this. He doesn't think there's anything weird about how much he plays, so I'm expecting this to be something of an uphill battle.

 

Like I posted before, it's not the gaming that pulls them from the relationship, but they withdraw into gaming to avoid the internal issues of the relationship or they are too much of a coward to end it properly. It would be no different than a husband working late all the time, or hanging out with his buddies more often leaving you at home, etc.

[smackie9]

To add a partner isn't there to revolve around you and to be available when you feel fit. Too many of you young ones seem to need the attention when you need it in order to chase away your insecurities. It's all about perspective here. If you don't like his gaming habits then stop complaining and date someone else. It will truly only work if you both play, or have a strong life outside the relationship.

[losangelena]

To add a partner isn't there to revolve around you and to be available when you feel fit. Too many of you young ones seem to need the attention when you need it in order to chase away your insecurities. It's all about perspective here. If you don't like his gaming habits then stop complaining and date someone else. It will truly only work if you both play, or have a strong life outside the relationship.

 

When did I ever say that I expect him to be available when I feel like it? That is so far from reality it's laughable. His gym schedule makes him unavailable for most early weekday evenings and weekend days (unless he takes a day off to do something specific). Do you hear me complaining about that? No—we work around it.

 

I'm not complaining about his gaming habit. I'm simply wondering if there are deeper implications because of it.

[losangelena]

Maybe a little bit, but I don't think you should have to strive toward this therapeutic ideal of what a relationship should be. =/ You have a history of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men, but you've found one who can manage a job fine, comes up with a decent valentines day for you, I'm assuming your sex life is fine too since I don't see you complaining about that.

 

Basically he's available to the point you're managing to have a pretty decent relationship and the base attraction is still there for you. Which is a good thing. Don't let what you think you're supposed to have start messing up the good thing you do have in your head. =/

 

I agree with you, and in starting this whole line on inquiry, I'm trying to parse out what's reasonable of me to expect and not reasonable. I don't want to jettison a good thing because of one issue that's not really an issue.

[losangelena]

My guess is the opposite -- that it's a time-consuming hobby he's consciously trying (and maybe struggling) to cut back on for the sake of the relationship. My guess is if you weren't there this weekend he would have spent the majority of it gaming.

 

I would keep that possibility in mind for the way you approach this. If he already feels like he's holding back on his natural habits for your sake, he'll probably resent any suggestion of criticism.

 

But the real question for YOU to figure out is, has this just been a temporary effort to "be good" and hide his habits, that will just end up cracking at some point? Or is this a conscious lifestyle change that he's committed to?

 

You're right. I do not want to belittle, I don't want to accuse, I don't want him to feel "less than" because he enjoys this.

 

My feeling is that before now, he has downplayed how "into" gaming he is, and now that we're a little further on in the relationship (~ 6 months), he's revealing more his "true self."

[Standard-Fare]

My feeling is that before now, he has downplayed how "into" gaming he is, and now that we're a little further on in the relationship (~ 6 months), he's revealing more his "true self."

 

Exactly. Everyone tries to present their better self during the first part of relationships, and over time, that facade starts to crack.

 

This happened to me once when I was dating a huge pothead. For almost a year he was successful in concealing the extent of his habits from me, and I truly believed he was just a "casual recreational smoker." Eventually it became clear to me that he was high nearly waking hour of every single day.

[Omei]

Im an ex hardcore gamer and most of my bfs were gamers too I can tell you now hes not going to change his gaming habits.

 

its their hobby their free time he won't see a reason to stop enjoying his hobby less.

[smackie9]

When did I ever say that I expect him to be available when I feel like it? That is so far from reality it's laughable. His gym schedule makes him unavailable for most early weekday evenings and weekend days (unless he takes a day off to do something specific). Do you hear me complaining about that? No—we work around it.

 

I'm not complaining about his gaming habit. I'm simply wondering if there are deeper implications because of it.

 

 

OK lets get back to basics here.....he didn't go to bed when you went to bed. He instead, stayed up till 3am gamimg. This obviously triggered something in you because here you are spending the night, and this is, in your mind, quality time that should be spent together....fair enough, most would agree with this too. This is a matter of comminication. YOU need to tell him how this makes you feel, which you are entitled to do. If you don't take responsiblity to communicate to your partner your concerns, or expectations, or voice an opinon then you will just have another failed relationship. If he is a good guy and honestly cares, he will understand and comply, then work out a compromise. Most guys just don't think about or are totally oblivious to these things and if you don't say anything they think what they are doing is OK. He's not a mind reader, just talk to him about it.

[Els]

I'll reiterate again, because some people seem to be missing this point—my issue here is NOT that he games. Cool, honey, game. My issue is more along the lines of, is gaming a way for him to not have to deepen our relationship? To keep me at arm's length and avoid emotional intimacy?

 

Uh, I sincerely doubt this is the case. Most gamers have been gamers all their lives - they don't all of a sudden pick it up to 'avoid deepening their relationship'.

 

In fact, this hypothesis is so odd that I have to ask you, IS your emotional intimacy with him lacking?